Lily sat down on the wooden chair at the little table in their kitchen, gripping the glass of warm water a little tighter. She took a deep breath and took another sip of water to drown the queasy feeling in her throat. She frowned as she set the glass down, thinking about what had happened.
This was the third time within a week that she'd had an incident like this. No more than six days ago, she and James had apparated home after a raid of another suspected Death Eater's house. The suspect had fled early on and they had not faced any serious dangers yet Lily had all but collapsed in James's arms the minute they appeared in the living room of their own home. Just yesterday, they had been at the Order's headquarters, planning and analyzing how best to protect innocent muggles that lived in close proximity to wizarding villages when she had yet again found herself losing sight of the room from where she was standing. Her knees had been about to give away when Remus had steadied her and asked her if she was alright. A very concerned James had flooed her home right after. She had spent the next few hours trying to convince him that she was fine, and that it was probably the stress and exhaustion of dealing with an ongoing war that was getting her down and not some deathly illness as he suspected. After pampering her with lots of tea, comforting hugs and gentle kisses, he had insisted that she stay home the next day and rest while he went off to an Order meeting alone. Lily hadn't had the heart to disagree seeing the concern in his eyes and had agreed with every intention of refusing to stay home in the morning.
When she had woken up this morning however, her head had been spinning and she'd had to let James leave alone. After spending most of her morning in bed, she had finally come downstairs to find something to eat. Then she'd suddenly had to rush to the bathroom to almost be sick as a nauseating feeling overcame her.
She took another sip of warm water and set the glass on the table. Despite what she had told James last night, she was starting to feel concerned about her health as well. Was it really the stress? Was it her fear of the constant danger hanging over their heads that was showing itself through her body? Or had she caught the flu or something? It was winter after all and she and James had indeed been running around doing auror and order duty in turns and she was fairly exhausted as well. It could be anything really. It could even be a little bit of everything.
Still thinking, she looked up at the clock on the wall in front of her to check how much time was left till James could come home for lunch. She didn't like being alone in the house. She hated knowing that the people she loved, especially her beloved husband James, was in danger while she was at home, alone, doing nothing to help. There was still an hour left. She sighed and let her gaze wander around the kitchen noticing things that she needed to clean or buy or fix. Her eyes fell on the calendar that hung next to the window. The picture showed children playing in the snow and the last two weeks of November and the first two weeks of December showed underneath it. She stared at it for a minute or two before a frown fell on her face. She scanned the past month in her head trying to remember the date she needed but failed. Her frown deepening, she hurried upstairs to their bedroom to find her little personal calendar/journal where she regularly noted down the important days of her cycle. She flipped through the little book counting the days backward and forward. After several minutes of counting and checking the pages Lily finally looked up from the book, her heart racing, breathing fast. There was no denying it, she had missed her period. She was more than a week late. And now she was feeling nauseous and having fainting spells and it was all suddenly making sense.
Lily reconsidered the possibility thinking about her marriage. After getting married, Lily and James had hardly been careful about contraceptive potions and spells. Not only were they young newlyweds who were very much in love, but with everything else that was going on in their world, it had been such a relief each day to come home to each other, to be alive, to be in love, to be together that they'd paid little attention to preventative measures. With both their parents no longer with them and Petunia as good as non-existent, each other were all they had. They had needed their love and passion to keep them alive. Being together was the only comfort and escape they had from the horrors they continuously faced.
Lily took in a deep breath as she realized that her assumption was the most possible explanation. "ohh" She gasped and dropped her hand onto her stomach, trying to feel if it felt any different; almost expecting to feel a kick or a sound of confirmation from inside her womb where (she was now positive) there was a small fetus growing.
She looked at herself in the mirror and her terrified face stared back at her. She wanted kids of course, but it had been the last thing on her mind lately. She'd thought kids would come eventually, when they were sure they were ready. When they felt that their world was safe enough for their child to grow up in. She and James had only been married for just over four months and they were both just nineteen, hardly the ripe age for parenthood. They were in the middle of a dark war, in which they were both fighting as aurors and as Order members. They hardly knew what their life would be like next week let alone in the future. This was not how Lily had expected to be a mother. She had wanted so much more for her children. She had wanted them to grow up in a safe world, not one where they didn't know if their parents were coming home after a mission.
Breathing deeply she sat down on their bed, closing her eyes to think. She calmed herself down slowly. She had to make sure first,before thinking too far ahead. She had to tell James, and they would go on from there. After a long time of just sitting there thinking about various possibilities and concerns and repeatedly having to calm her thoughts and hold herself back from panicking or being overwhelmed she went downstairs again, now very hungry.
She was fixing up some sandwiches while her mind was still considering all possible situations and outcomes when James suddenly stepped out of the fireplace, dusting his clothes. Lily went and hugged him, a little tighter and a little longer than their usual greeting.
"How are you feeling?" James asked gently holding one side of her face before he gave her a quick kiss.
"Better" Lily smiled briefly, unable to hide the whirlwind of emotions she was feeling inside. "How was the meeting?" she asked while returning to the sandwiches she was about to bring to the little table.
James grunted which Lily understood to mean that there had been bad news, murders or disappearances and the Order was going to be busy in the upcoming days trying to deal with it all.
"Let's eat first," he said and sat down at the table. They ate in silence. Lily's mind was too busy to think of anything that she could say out loud. As she started cleaning up the plates, she could feel James's eyes on her, but she couldn't bring herself to meet them, knowing he'd see right through her and she'd have to tell him. She felt that voicing her thoughts would only make them more real and more terrifying so she avoided his gaze and focused on the dirty dishes instead. He followed her and helped her clean up. He knew something was wrong, but he was always patient until she chose to tell him. When they were done she leaned against the counter, still avoiding his eyes.
"Lil?" James walked closer to her, "what's wrong?" his voice was full of concern. He stepped in front of her placing his hands on the counter behind her and looked down trying to meet her eyes. "What is it love?" he asked again. His voice was quiet and loving.
"Do you have to go back for duty now?" Lily asked finally meeting his eyes.
"No, I have the rest of the day off, why? What's the matter Lily?" His voice sounded even more worried now.
"Let's go to our room" Lily said and took his hand leading him upstairs.
Once in their room they both sat on their bed and James held Lily's hands looking at her expectantly. Lily finally met his eyes and took a deep breath.
"James" , She started " I…I think…I think.. I might be pregnant!" She finally let out.
James's eyes widened as he just stared right back at her. "What?" he finally spoke, "are you sure?"
"No, not entirely but, the fainting and I almost was sick today and I've missed my period and we haven't exactly been careful with the potion and I think this is the only thing that makes sense and its very possible and I'm positive coz I think this sounds exactly like what happens when someone is pregnant" Lily said all of it in one breath and stared back at James who had a huge smile on his face.
"Oh Lily! that's amazing! Its wonderful!" he almost yelled and pulled her into a tight hug. He let out a gasp of joy and started laughing a joyful and high-spirited laugh. "Wow Lils!...just wow!I love you! Wow!" he started kissing her head while he still hugged her.
Lily was even more confused than she had been before. She clung on to James wondering if he had heard her right, because being pregnant didn't sound wonderful at all to her at the moment.
James pulled her back holding onto her shoulders and looked at her. Confusion crossed his face as he saw her utterly worried expression.
"Why aren't you happy Lily?" He asked. "You.. didn't you.. don't you want kids?" He looked even more confused remembering the times they had talked about this before when Lily had been very much in favour of kids.
"I do James! Of course I do! But I..I'm… It's just so soon and so unexpected and…and" Lily looked into his eyes, "I'm scared James", she admitted.
James looked at her and understood. He understood exactly what she was afraid of as he thought of how young they were and how unprepared they were to be parents. He thought of the war going on all around them which they were very much involved in and with an internal shudder he thought of the disappearances he'd heard about today.
"We are in the middle of a war James! I barely know if I'll be alive tomorrow!, and a baby...I... I just I dunno …. !" Lily tried to explain but the knot in her throat stopped her as tears rolled down her cheeks. James pulled her close again. "I'm not sure I'm ready for this." Lily muttered against him as more tears spilled out of her eyes. She hid her face closer in his chest as he held her close and pressed kisses into her hair.
"I know Lily! I know this isn't the ideal time but think Lil" James tilted her head up to look at her "our baby…. we will be a family, just our own! and that is just too incredibly wonderful to be ruined by anything!" He said. "I know that the future is far from secure, but that's all the more reason to cherish everything we have now! Isn't it?"
Lilly thought about it. She could see the pure love and joy in James's eyes. She thought of the child inside her. Their child, she thought. A product of their love; their own child; their own family; hers and James's, and she understood the joy that James felt. Slowly but surely sje felt it too. James saw the expression on her face change from fear to relief to happiness and he smiled at her again. This time she smiled back nodding.
"you're right!" she said "you're right James! I love you!" She cried throwing her arms around his neck to pull him closer.
"Oh I love you too Lily!" James exclaimed before he descended his lips onto hers. As he deepened the kiss she knew that James understood her fears; he felt them too, but his bravery, his determination, his hope and most of all his love, was greater than his fears. Love would survive, love would overcome all fears. And as they fell down to their bed she immediately wished her child to be a boy. A boy who, like his father, would put love before his fears. Lily wished for a little James!
A/N: I was reading a lot of Lily and James stories recently and I realized that they had gotten married really young and had Harry right in the middle of a wizarding war. I'm not saying Harry was an 'accident' :P but I thought it would be unlikely that they'd want to have a baby in the middle of everything going on, so I thought about what Lily must have felt to find out she was pregnant. This is before Voldemort decides to come after them which is why they are not exactly in hiding. This is my first HP fic just because HP is THE ULTIMATE BEST STORY EVER and I don't feel like I would do it justice to write fics about it but I had to try this. So please read and review! it would mean so much to me!
Disclaimer: I obviously do not own Harry Potter or any of their characters!