the harsh reality of the red pill
Summary: Post!Reichenbach Fall. Johanna Watson and her therapist, Ella. Johanna has an epiphany...and it's not a breakthrough it gives her, just another breakdown. Fem!Watson.
A/N: I like Johnlock in all shapes, genders and forms, but I just write better from a girl's prospective...I need to work on that. The indented text comes from Lana Del Rey's "National Anthem" and the inspiration of this story comes from a Johnlock fanvid. Writing this when it was raining did not help my Reichenbach feels...Anyways, the author's rant is over.
"This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back. You take the blue pill: the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill: you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes."
-The Matrix
She sat there, in the same leather armchair she'd sat in millions of times before, her cane resting against the arm of the chair. Everything about her read saturnine; the limp ponytail, the dark, somber eyes outlined with dark circles, and the rumpled, mismatched clothes. None of it was normal Johanna Watson...but at the moment, she was not normal Johanna Watson. Which was the reason she had called up her old therapist, of who was sitting adjacent from her, trying to analyze Johanna like Ella was Sh-
"Well?" Johanna said sharply, breaking the rut of silence the two had long since fallen in.
"Well, judging from your appearance, you haven't been sleeping or eating or even living well. And, I see we're dependent on the cane again."
Johanna just made a noise of discontentment, her slim fingers ghosting over the handle of said cane.
"And to get to the root of the problem, we both know what's caused this setback."
"We do." Johanna agreed, giving a curt nod.
"How do you feel about what happened with Sher-"
"Don't," Johanna cut her off sharply, before sighing. "Don't...say his name."
Ella gave her a disapproving look. Johanna looked back at her, sounding somewhat desperate. "Please."
The therapist sighed, but nodded. "Alright, one step at a time. How do you feel about what happened with him?"
"I think that's rather obvious, don't you?" Johanna replied.
"But why? I must say, your grief is more profound and heightened than most cases about losing a friend of only what-a year or two? Was there more between you two than you've told anyone?"
Johanna snorted. "No, he was...he made it clear the second day we met that he wasn't interested in any sort of relationship-with anyone, for that matter. I don't even think he's been with anyone before in his life, nor had any wish to..." she gives a humorless chuckle. "He and I-despite the belief of many-we ar-were not together."
"Okay, you and him were not a couple. Is there by any chance, Johanna, that you might have felt anything more than friendship with him?"
Johanna just looked back at her.
"Dr. Watson, I promise you that this is completely confidential, and only for your benefit. I want you to be as honest with me as you can."
Johanna hesitated for another moment, the shaking in her hand becoming more prominent. She glowered at it, before tucking it beneath her leg. "Fine."
Some more time passed, and Ella was just about to make another comment when Johanna spoke again.
"I remember when I met him, it was so clear that...he was the only one for me. We both knew it, right away."
Yes, Johanna remembered meeting the world's only consulting detective. It was all thanks to a rather helpful old friend, Mike, desperate to aid her. It was rather obvious-written all over Johanna's face-that she was down on her luck and slowly giving up. She found that the world was not so kind to anyone, really, not even an injured "war hero". She told Mike about her problem with finding a roommate, but not mentioning the many other troubles.
Reluctantly, she allowed Mike to lead her to him. The first thing Johanna had noticed was just how attractive he was. Tall, dark, and handsome...with eyes so breathtaking. He'd been somewhat aloof, a little bit arrogant, but even underneath that, Johanna had seen something in him that she'd never seen in another person. In that first moment that she'd laid eyes on him, there was a understanding that her path led to him, and would be laced with him for the rest of her life. And even when he tactlessly announced that her limp was purely psychosomatic, it only made her more sure.
And when she'd offered her phone, he'd looked at her. Really, looked at her. And maybe it was wishful thinking, but Johanna saw that he felt it too. They were linked in some unspeakable way. And despite both their tendencies to be a loner, they accepted each other. And it was perhaps the best decision Johanna had ever made. He introduced excitement back to her life, made her feel like she meant something to someone again. He made her remember that she mattered, and gave her the time of her life doing it.
"And as the years went on, things got more difficult-we were faced with more challenges."
But it wasn't soon before their rather light-hearted adventures became more dangerous and edgy, with the introduction of Jim Moriarty. The so called "puzzles", the Semtex, the whole fraud thing...It took his toll on him, he had tried not to show it, but Johanna could always see through things when it really mattered. She knew him better than anyone else.
And it hurt Johanna, too. The world had given up on her hero; turned their backs, called his miracles "lies", told him that he wasn't a genius but a fraud. It was everywhere, on the telly, in the papers, radio, and spoken not-so-discretely between people who simply could not mind their own business. It hurt Johanna to see him try to continue to be him, even though he was so lost and on the verge of just giving in to everything.
He even tried to push her away, to protect her even as he was going through so much pain. But she couldn't leave him, not then, not ever. But in the end it wasn't the other way around, was it?
"I begged him to stay. Try to remember what we had at the beginning."
Even in such hopeless, Johanna wouldn't give up. And she begged and pleaded for him not to give up either. She went around London, sticking up posters reading; "I believe in Sherlock" and "Moriarty is real", and even managed to get her own following, who dubbed themselves 'Watson's Warriors'. But none of it mattered, not really.
"He was charismatic, magnetic, electric and everybody knew it."
He was...one of a kind. So amazingly brilliant, a mind that no one else could ever hope to understand. He could both amaze and irritate them with his 'scans'. And even though he also managed to either get on people's bad side or hurt their feelings with his unknowingly tactless, prideful way, no one at all could deny how luminous he was. Johanna didn't mind being the person who frequently reminded him that he was "amazing" and "wonderful" because everyone else was too stubborn to do so.
"When he walked in every woman's head turned, everyone stood up to talk to him."
And when he really wanted to, he could be the most charming person you'd ever meet. He knew how people thought-or rather, what they didn't but should think-and he could use it. It didn't hurt that he was also rather attractive. Perfect cheekbones, those eyes...it wasn't lost on him, nor Johanna, that he could get any girl he chose if he wished. But the ones that openly expressed their attraction were shot down thoroughly and repeatedly.
"He was like this hybrid, this mix of a man who couldn't contain himself."
Yes, this miracle of a man who denied any romantic attention, only craving recognition. He once had told Johanna the frailty of a genius was that it needed an audience. He'd also described himself as a "high-functioning sociopath". That was also true. Still the most intelligent person she'd ever met, he had a sense of ignorance about elementary things and could not fathom even the simplest of social norms. Johanna couldn't count how many times she'd had to stop him from the edge of saying something bad or chastening him when she wasn't quick enough.
"I always got the sense that he became torn between being a good person and missing out on all of the opportunities that life could offer a man as magnificent as him."
Johanna knew him the best of anyone in this world. Therefore, she couldn't shake the nagging thought that he was always torn between being the good person that she and the rest of those who cared about him wanted him to be, and just letting himself go and become just like his arch-nemesis.
Johanna had somehow managed reel him in(somewhat), give him a reason to be good. He wanted to impress her, he wanted her to be proud of him, to like him. He not only wanted it, he needed it. And they knew that she needed him just as much, to keep her from losing all hope, from becoming that shell she was before she met him. Their co-dependence on one another kept them alive, keep them sane, and kept them good.
Their co-dependence threatened their lives, threatened their sanities, threatened to take away everything that he'd made for himself. Without it, without her, he could've been even more. He could've become something the world had never fathomed. But yet he gave that up, for her and the ones he'd come to love and cherish.
"And in that way, I understood him and I loved him-" Johanna froze, staring hard at her therapist, but looking through the woman. That couldn't be true. No, it could and it was. It had been there since their first meeting, that feeling. She'd simply ignored it or mistook it for platonic or adoration...
"Repeat it, . I want you to say it again," Ella encouraged, leaning forward somewhat.
"...I loved him."
His face, his height, his hair, his hands, his eyes, his scent.
"I loved him."
The way he spoke, his mind-blowing intelligence, his wit, his courage, his tactlessness, his protectiveness.
"I loved him."
Every single thing about him, she loved. She loved him so much.
"And I still love him."
Even after that phone call, how she could only watch as he flung himself off a building, running to his lifeless body. He jumped off a building in front of her eyes, just after apologizing and saying goodbye...She never got to tell him goodbye.
Tears slowly began to run down her face, and her lip trembled. She bowed her head and let out a sob, her head was spinning and nothing seemed to make much sense anymore. "Sher-My best friend in the world, Sherlock Holmes, is dead..."
They say that the truth will set you free, but Johanna Watson felt more caged than ever.
"I love him."