She Calls Herself God
Rating: G-PG
Summary: On being Kara Thrace
Spoilers: Act of Contrition, Flesh & Blood
Disclaimer: I don't own Battlestar Galactica, Kara, or Leobon. I don't even wish I did, although I'd be making a lot of money. But they're doing just fine on their own. I do, however, own this story and all ideas contained within.
Lt. Kara Thrace, callsign Starbuck, has called herself God. Maybe she is God to her pilots. They hear her voice coming down to them from above, or at least from the speakers in their helmets, which is almost the same thing. And while she knows she isn't a perfect pilot, she comes closer than anyone else on Galactica, or anywhere, really.
She doesn't feel like God, though. She never has. It wasn't possible, living with her mother. He was right about that, although she doesn't know how he knew. Even Zak didn't know, and if she was going to tell anyone, it would have been him. But she doesn't want anyone to know. She is ashamed of that part of herself.
Besides, her mother could have been right. Maybe suffering was good for the soul. Maybe her soul liked it. Kara never speaks to her soul, so she doesn't know what it thinks about that particular subject. She doesn't think her soul liked it very much, because her soul didn't complain when she left home as soon as she could. She was 15, and just barely so. It felt good.
The minimum age for flight school was 18, and so Kara was 18. It wasn't as hard as she thought it would be. Maybe they didn't care, or maybe they just needed pilots. It didn't matter to Kara, because she was where she wanted to be and she wasn't at home. But still, she knew from the very first day that she had to be the best.
Being the best wasn't hard. Plenty of guys didn't even notice her, and the ones that noticed didn't think she was worth worrying about. So by staying quiet, she was able to put in extra hours on the flight simulators, and no one thought anything of it. And when she finally got good enough to outshine everyone in her class-and people in the classes above her-she learned that a little attitude would get her far. And soon enough she was on top. She was a legend. She was sought after and in some cases, adored and idolized. Kara liked it that way.
After the Cylons destroyed most of the human race-and her mother, for which she was thankful in a disturbed sort of way-there was no question she was the best pilot flying, if there had ever been. She liked that, for the most part, and she never failed to remind certain people of that fact, but it also hurt. Pilots were family, and when members of the family died, parts of Kara died too. There are a lot of parts that are no longer there. She has learned how to survive as only part of a person. It couldn't take her very long to learn, so it didn't.
Lt. Kara Thrace, callsign Starbuck, has called herself God. But she knows she isn't.
Leobon says he is God. He says everyone is God, and if everyone is God, Kara is God, even if she knows she isn't. She wants to ask him, how can a person like me be God? How can a person like me even be a part of God? She wants to ask him why he thinks he can be a part of God. She is the best pilot flying and she is a soul who has suffered and she uses attitude to keep the first true and hide the second. He is a Cylon and he is a soul who wants to be real and he uses insanity because of the first and to hide the second. They are the same and yet they are different. They are two sides of the same coin.
Lt. Kara Thrace, callsign Starbuck, isn't sure if she likes her side of the coin. Could he have spoken truth somewhere in the middle of all his lies? Maybe at one time he really was the interrogator and she the prisoner. Why can't that be true now? Why can't she be on the other side of the coin?
She has no choice now, because the other side of the coin is blank. But Lt. Kara Thrace, callsign Starbuck, who has called herself God and has been called God, wishes it were her side of the coin that had become blank.