It is the summer of his sophomore year that Kurt Hummel rediscovers fashion.
If he were to suppress his memories of his freshman year, it probably wouldn't be because of the bullying, but because of the complete and utter garbage he wears. The bullying of his freshman year is terrible, yes. The dumpster dumps, the pee balloons, the slushies- humiliating, but it isn't unbearable. It is obviously the idiotic "fun" of future college drop-outs (If they even attend at all, Kurt would scoff) who knew they wouldn't go anywhere or do anything with their sad, pathetic lives. Lima Losers and nothing more. It isn't torture, it's annoyance.
But Kurt is appalled at himself for what he wears. He can't believe he wears a plaid shirt with jeans and a tee enough that it becomes common. It's all so pointless, because he still gets bullied, even if Finn stops the football team from body slams. He can't imagine what high school would be like if he had to add the bruises of locker slams to the ones he already gets from dumpster dumps.
Kurt sometimes worries that Finn would stop telling the other guys off if he starts wearing more outlandish things. What if his pseudo-protection was conditional? Kurt falls for Finn wearing just that outfit. It is disgusting. It isn't even the least fashionable ensemble he owns. While it is tolerable for any standard associated with teenage boys and it is better put together than any other guy (and some girls) at McKinley, it is simply unacceptable for him. It lacked style, it lacked flare, it lacked Kurt.
Kurt tries not to wonder what it would be like if his mother was around. It isn't fair to himself and it makes him ungrateful for what little he has.
After his mother's death, the level of style in his disgracefully small wardrobe slopes down. While he still has his bow ties and button ups, he has the extraordinary misfortune of a growth spurt that year and many of his clothes no longer fit. Kurt tries many different ways to make them last, but the tea party with his father is one of the last glorious days he could wear the clothes he had meticulously chosen on shopping trips with his mother.
Kurt doesn't dare buy such flaming or girly or outlandish clothes with his father's money.
Kurt knows his father would do anything for him. He isn't afraid of his father's reactions, because they couldn't possibly be much different from his reactions to Kurt when his mom was alive. That was the thing, actually.
Burt wouldn't yell at him, or tell him to be manlier, or hate him. But Burt wouldn't understand. Burt would give his same confused frown, his same grunt in recognition, his same discomfort. Burt would tolerate it, but Burt wouldn't understand, and Kurt craved understanding more than anything. His mother was the only person who understood his need for fashionable clothes and a well-groomed appearance. His mom understood that it was who he was, even from the tender age of five. His mom didn't love clothing and his mom wasn't fashionable, but she understood that Kurt needed his styles and fashion, his patterns and colors, and his bowties and scarves. And she loved him for it in a way that only Elizabeth Hummel was capable of.
Kurt ignores the emptiness of shopping in the little boy's department and picks out graphic tees. He ignores how incomplete he feels every morning when he throws on jeans without looking in the mirror because he just can't bring himself to see someone who isn't him.
He finds his solace in singing. He sings in his room instead of creating fashionable outfits. It's an outlet of expression he can access without feeling guilty for not being the man his father must have wanted him to be when he was born (of course Burt doesn't want him to be like that now, even Kurt knows how weird that would be). Singing isn't exactly masculine, but Kurt pretends his dreams in singing are to become a rock star instead of a Broadway legend.
Singing also becomes a precious form of bonding with his father. Some of Kurt's fondest memories are of watching American Idol with his dad. Burt watches it for the comedy of the train wreck first auditions and Kurt watches because he loves it (and because who doesn't love nitpicking the first contestants? Burt agrees that Kurt would do a much better job than Simon Cowell). Burt will occasionally mention that Kurt is a better singer and Kurt blushes because his father's pride in him is one of the only things he desires. Kurt would place praise from Burt above a trip to Broadway at that point in his life (at any point in his life).
His other comfort (and guilty pleasure) is designing. Kurt doesn't believe at this time that what he is creating will ever be great. It's better than average for an amateur like himself, but he is nowhere near becoming professional. He buys a cheap sketch pad from a nearby crafts store and finds some of his mom's old chalks in the attic. Sometimes he watches fashion and designer shows to get tips on figure and details when his father is at work and won't catch him. Despite the precautions, Burt doesn't seem even a little upset when he walks in on Kurt watching America's Next Top Model, though Kurt barely has enough time to hide his sketch pad that he uses to practice body shapes. He cannot comprehend the mortification he would have experienced if his dad had found his outlines of naked women. No. Just no.
Sometimes Kurt sighs wistfully at his sketchpad when he thinks about his future. He lays on his stomach on his bed and lets his head fall onto his pillow. He would never have the balls to wear anything like that anyway.
Things change, of course, when he falls in love with Finn Hudson. Kurt has heard the sentiment that girls look prettier when they're in love, and he now knows why. It is because they themselves dressed better and wore more make up when they were in love. It is conscious and an unconscious desire to impress your love, whether they reciprocate or not. Kurt knows, logically, that dressing more flamboyantly would only drive a self-proclaimed straight boy away, but he can't help it. His freshman year he begins buying more accessories, such as ties, cufflinks, and kerchiefs. He even buys a few scarves, but he can never bring himself to wear them to school. It does feel good to wear them around the house though, if only for himself. He wants to look good. He wants to be stylish and fashionable. Kurt also saves a small smile for his knowledge that girls look prettier in love because they're happier. Happiness is an attractive feature on anyone.
It is this summer that he really grows into himself again. That he finds the Kurt Hummel he hides away when his mother passes away. The Lima Heights Mall (from the ritzier side of Lima) becomes his new best friend. He begins spending his entire allowance every week on accessories and patterns, for once ignoring the music stores. He even begins wheedling fives and tens, occasionally even twenties, from his father when he wants a particular designer piece that he is just barely under-budget for. He saves for jackets and orders online every marvelous piece that dumpy old Lima will never be glamorous enough to sell.
He buys a fabulous new scarf about a month before school starts when he realizes he doesn't have anything to wear it with. Yes, he has a lot of accessories, like other scarves and his fabulously chic Marc Jacobs satchel, but not a complete outfit that would do this scarf justice. Not even the new Marc Jacobs jacket he ordered online that should come in the mail in a few weeks. This scarf, this classic Alexander McQueen scarf, this beautiful, glorious, glamorous scarf needs- deserves- an outfit that is just as fashionable and chic and stylish as it is. Kurt knows he would never afford be able to afford a whole new outfit. He barely has the budget for his accessories. All he has is the fabrics… His true self spoke to him. The sketches. Oh, but he couldn't make his own outfit. He couldn't. Of course not. But the scarf. As he contemplates, Kurt bites his lip. The siren call is too much to resist.
Once it is decided that he has to do what he has to do for the sake of fashion, Kurt sets himself to do it. The Hummels are stubborn men who refuse to back down to a challenge.
Kurt begins cutting fabric and adding stitches. He is creating an outfit. That thought alone, creating a whole outfit, has him on a high. Fashion. Style. Alexander Freaking McQueen. Kurt's head is spinning with the release and relief of being himself and expressing himself. Madonna would be so proud. Elizabeth Katherine Hummel would be proud. Kurt is proud.
Despite the nerves and anticipation, there is another reason he's doing this. Kurt convinces himself that this would be the best segue to his coming out to his dad. He is going to do it. He is really going to do it. The night before school he would go upstairs in his fabulous outfit and ask his dad what he thought of it. Burt would wear his uncomfortable, confused face, but give a generic, yet genuine compliment, and Kurt would explain that he is gay and will be wearing more of the like in the future. Naturally.
Kurt wants to do this. Things had changed since middle school. He had never really told his dad of his sexuality because he never needed to. As flaming as Kurt is, he doesn't even have a crush on a guy until Finn. Sure, he finds other males attractive, but there is no need to be hasty.
It's not as if his sexuality will be a surprise. Even with his dying wardrobe, Kurt was flaming. Even with a mostly dead wardrobe in freshman year, Kurt was flaming. Kurt needs fashion to express himself, not to remind the world he's gay. He was born gay, but he grew up to be fabulous.
So Burt must know, right? Kurt has faith in his dad. Even if his dad doesn't know, Kurt has faith that Burt will be accepting. Burt, the man who had tea parties with his son. The man who watched American Idol because Kurt wanted to and didn't judge his son's love of ANTM. Who didn't mind that his son had tassels on his bike, who let his son wear bowties and scarves, who bought him sketch pads and CDs, who took him to river dances and musicals and community theatre and chick flicks. That Burt. The Burt who Kurt loves more than anything and deserves to know the real Kurt.
Kurt pauses his sewing to swallow, as if to swallow away his fears. Burt wouldn't kick him out. Burt wouldn't hate him or yell or beat him. No. Kurt swallows again and resumes the stitching on the vest. Burt is too good of a man. Kurt wouldn't choose a hero who wasn't the best example of everything a man or father should be.
Kurt buys yards and yards of fabric with his allowances, but this first outfit is special. This first ensemble would be made from the nice cotton of Elizabeth Hummel's favorite sundress. The baby blue cotton would be used to create a form-fitting button up, altered to fit him perfectly. Her beloved dark blue plaid skirt would become a fashionable vest that would very subtly alert others to his sense of style (at least compared to his more grandiose ideas). The skinny jeans would be crafted from a jean material he bought, but to make them special, he used the zipper, button, and pockets from his moms faded denim.
Kurt doesn't know when or why he first thought to do this, but the more he thinks about it, the better idea it is. His mother would be there with him when he first came out. She would be there to support him in spirit and to hear it from him at the same time his dad did. His mother never cared much for fashion anyway. She wouldn't mind him tearing up her old clothes. Though his mother believed it was important to look one's best, even she never had the eye for style that Kurt had. Kurt assures himself that he isn't doing anything wrong.
Kurt saves the shirt for last. He tries to breathe evenly as he cuts the first shape. Sitting on the floor, he lets a wave of emotion pass through him. He's going to come out. He's going to wear his first handmade masterpiece. He's going to be himself for the first time in a long time, both at home and at school. He is nervous, for sure. Top of the list. He feels anticipation. He feels scared. He feels confused, giddy, vulnerable, excited. He adds dizzy to the list of emotions fluttering in him, which worsens the nerve-induced nausea.
The emotion that makes it all worthwhile is the pride. Pride in himself and his sexuality. Pride in who he is and what he accomplishes. Even if coming out becomes a terrible idea, his dad could never take away his pride in himself for successfully creating something he could wear or the pride in himself for having the guts to come out in the first place. Kurt has been ashamed of himself, he has accepted himself, and now is the time he takes pride in himself. For the first time.
No one can take that away from him.
This is what he believes until his dad walks down the stairs, not two minutes after the first cut into his mother's beloved, blue sundress.
When he hears his father's clunking steps down the stairs, his breath catches in his throat. He couldn't breathe, let alone shout what catches in his throat with his breath. Don't come down here! His mind panics. His dad came home early from work. Kurt usually has enough time to hide his progress before Burt comes down to say hi.
Oh Madonna, this isn't happening. It couldn't be happening. Burt needs to see the outfit together. He wouldn't understand if he didn't see it complete. Oh no, oh no, oh no. His face is frozen in an attempt to brace himself as he internally hyperventilates.
His father's voice cuts through his mental sobbing as Burt calls from the middle of the staircase, "Hey, Kurt, I know you've been spending a lot lately on clothing… School is coming up, I wouldn't mind if you were to…" He begins trailing off, as he frowns that one frown of confusion.
Kurt can tell when he recognizes the dress, because his dad becomes more and more upset. "Kurt, is that…" he couldn't finish. Kurt is terrified as his father's usually loving- if not gruff or confused- expression contorts into a mask of rage. Kurt has never been so scared.
Kurt chokes as his father begins shouting, "What the hell are you doing, Kurt! Is that your mother's dress!"
Kurt can't respond. He flinches as Burt continues, "That was your mother's dress, Kurt! That was her favorite! How could you just ruin it like that!"
Kurt feels sick. He didn't ruin it. He would never ruin anything of his mother's. His stomach churns and he responds the one way any Hummel teenager would know how.
Kurt leaps to his feet and shouts back, "I didn't ruin it!"
"Of course you did, Kurt! Look at it! It's in pieces!" Burt all but screams as points to the carefully, painstakingly, meticulously cut shapes Kurt had all but worshipped.
"No, I didn't! I'm making it into a shirt! To wear! To school!" Kurt yells back with as much ferocity. He layers an accusation into his voice without consciously thinking of it. He doesn't even know what he is accusing his dad of. Burt seems to know.
"Don't give me that, Kurt! I don't deserve it! I've seen the crazy shirts and pants you've been buying! You have a ton of clothes to wear! I saw the fabric you bought! Why the hell couldn't you have used that! Why did you have to tear up her dress, Kurt!" Burt looks wild, flailing his arms and gesturing at any direction.
Kurt retaliates, screaming, "Because she can't use it anymore! She's dead, Dad! She's dead and she'll never wear anything again! And you weren't going to throw it away! It's better if someone uses it! Even if I was only going to just shred it to pieces, because I'm bored in Nowheresville, Ohio, Population: Lima Losers Only, Please!" Kurt pants after he let it all out. He kicks himself when he realizes how many lines he crosses, but he can't bring himself to apologize.
He feels guilty and stupid and frustrated. Dear McQueen, he hadn't thought anything would have made him feel like this. He never thought he'd feel so sick about his once precious outfit. He didn't ruin his mother's dress. He couldn't have ruined his mother's dress. It wasn't possible. He had worked so hard. He had spent hours on this outfit. Hours and hours with the sewing machine his mother inherited from her mother. That ancient, dammed sewing machine. His father has to be wrong.
Burt's face flushes in anger. He let out a ragged, feral noise and slams his feet up the stairs.
Kurt nearly cries, but holds it in. How dare he say that? How dare he? Kurt turns his back to the stairs and continues working on the shirt. He skips dinner and Burt doesn't come down to check on him.
Kurt convinces himself he doesn't care by working on the shirt. I am going to show him. I am going to show him, his mind spits. I didn't ruin the damn dress.
Despite this mantra, Kurt still can't help but feel betrayed. Would he ever find someone who understood him? There was no way he could come out now. He just couldn't. His thoughts spiral into despair. No one would ever understand him. He would be alone and misunderstood and miserable his entire life.
He imagines his inevitable black hole of a future as he finishes the last stitch of the shirt.
This time, Kurt does cry. This is Kurt Hummel. This shirt, this pair of pants, this vest. This is Kurt Hummel. And even if he never finds someone to understand him; even if he never finds love or true friendship; even if his dad kicks him out the house or never speaks to him again, Kurt knows he deserves to be alive and to be himself. Kurt knows that no matter what happens, he can create things that no one else could. Kurt can't smile, because the moment is far too bittersweet, but he knows he will be alright. His face sets in determination. As long as he could wear his own creations and match them with fabulous designer accessories, no one could touch who Kurt was.
Kurt keeps this at the front of his mind as he and his dad skirt around each other for the next three days. Kurt stays mainly in his room and Burt works longer hours. When they see each other they look away and when they speak it's strained and tense. Both keep waiting for the moment they jump at each other's throats or defend themselves against the inevitable accusations and confrontations. The Hummel house is uncomfortably quiet and Kurt feels like he is going to suffocate. Facing his bullies at McKinley would be preferable to this and the first day of school cannot come soon enough.
Kurt wears his precious outfit the Tuesday after the fight, his first day of sophomore year. He, of course, compliments it with a fabulous pair of black ankle boots. Even he knows the knee high leather lace-ups were a bit too much to unleash upon McKinley so soon. Even if they were gorgeous. That level of fashion would give the population of McKinley an aneurism from the confusing and surprising display of culture.
Kurt walks up his steps, sick to his stomach, but he has to do it. He has to show his dad that he didn't ruin the dress.
Burt looks at him and grunts, "You look good, Kiddo."
Kurt stands there a moment with his eyes wide in shock. He lets it sink in before he throws himself at his dad and squeezes as tightly as possible. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry," he cries into his dad's shoulder.
Burt looks a little teary eyed as well. "I'm sorry too, Kiddo."
Kurt is grateful his dad doesn't mention that Kurt was now sobbing. He wants to say "I shouldn't have used her dress. It was stupid. I'm sorry," but he can't choke out anymore words.
Kurt wants to come out at this moment. It would be perfect. But he had just spent a week without talking to his dad, his favorite person in the world. Kurt is scared. Really scared. The past week had killed him. He really couldn't take it if his father stops talking to him for real. For good.
Kurt knows it's irrational to think his dad would reject him after everything they've been through. He knows his dad cares that it was his mom's dress, and not that he was doing something the closed-minded population would deem "gay." But he can't help that he was being irrational and had already connected the two ideas in his mind. He had thought he already lost his dad once, he wouldn't even allow the small chance for it to happen again exist. Because what if all this acceptance was only temporary? Or limited? What if Kurt eventually did something that pushed his dad too far?
Kurt knows that his father still doesn't understand him. In the Hummel home, Kurt is loved unconditionally, taken care of, and raised right, but he is not understood.
Kurt promises himself he wouldn't come out to his father until he was understood by at least someone.
He it's impossible for him to imagine that he'll find that sense of being understood in the glee club that doesn't even exist yet. He doesn't think it's remotely possible in any reality to connect with anyone at McKinley and make friends. It is beyond the impossible that he'd ever make a music video with two girlfriends because they were bored. Or that it'd lead to him playing football and some of his old bullies becoming his friends when he brought them to victory.
Kurt would come out then, when he finds a best friend in Mercedes, who understood his love of clothing. When he finds friends closer than acquaintances in Tina and Brittany who understand his love of dance. When he had finds an occasional friend in Artie, who understands what it's like to have the other guys doubt his masculinity, and who, as a bonus, understands the importance of education, intelligence, and witty satire. When he finds a guide in Mr. Schue, who understands his love of theater and music without it having to be about sexuality. When he finds a whole family in the club of people who understand what it is like to be an outsider and misfit. When he finds a crush and male friend in Finn, who knows what life is like without one of the two people a kid always needs- their parents. Kurt will come out when he is finally understood by the group of people he would soon call family.
Kurt doesn't know that he will stop feeling understood in his junior year, but even if he did, he would let it happen, because in junior year he would meet the one person to understand him the best. Kurt doesn't know he would meet the best friend he's ever had while spying in a desperate attempt to get away from more ignorance. Especially the kind his glee-family should know not to have. He doesn't know this Blaine character will become so close to him and get him in a way Kurt had never thought possible. Blaine, who will understand what it's like to be bullied and to be out and proud. Blaine who also knows the despair of straight-crushes and homophobic peers. Blaine who understands heartbreak and Vogue and singing. Blaine will understand Kurt- what makes Kurt tic, how he acts, how he thinks, why he reacts to the things he does. Blaine, who will even know his coffee order. Kurt highly doubts that he will ever have a boyfriend before he is a rich, powerful and a famous Broadway star or New York fashion designer. Let alone one who he will be so completely in tune with.
He probably could guess that the relationship won't be smooth sailing- at least, once he joins the Relationship Musical Chairs of New Directions, but even before he would realize relationship drama would be worth being able to love someone who understands him so completely.
And maybe he will imagine it, but they will be in each other's weddings (at least as each others' best men) though his fantasies often have them as the grooms.
No. Kurt doesn't know any of these things. He just knows that he is loved and accepted by his father, and that having at least someone in his corner is worth not truly being himself. Kurt enters his sophomore year with the confidence that no matter how bad the bullying gets or how mentally inferior his classmates are, Kurt Hummel is getting out Lima. Kurt Hummel is not a Lima Loser, because Kurt is going to New York for fashion or Broadway or something and he will never need to be back in Lima for longer than a week at a time after that. Kurt Hummel doesn't need friends because he is going places. Kurt Hummel will be successful.
Kurt struts through the doors of McKinley High with the bitch smirk he has been practicing all summer. He wears his masterpiece and knows it won't get slushied because even the Neanderthals aren't big enough assholes to make the first day of school any shittier by slushie-ing the "losers". He won't wear his beloved masterpiece again in the halls of McKinley- it is too precious an ensemble- but it signifies the dawn of a new Hummel era.