Right! I have little time update anything at all, but I thought this is something I must write down, lest I will forget them. This is my first post for Dynasty Warriors, and is also the first work of mine that is not in story form. I hope you'll enjoy it!

They are really stupid parodies I've made for Dynasty Warriors. This first one is a cross between Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith and DW5 Battle of Yiling.

Disclaimer: Don't own Dynasty Warriors, nor do I own Star Wars.

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When Star Wars and Dynasty Warriors mix

The soldier ran into the room frantically, hastening to crouch in front of Liu Bei. Zhuge Liang and Zhao Yun turned around, interested.

"My lord! During the attack on Fan castle, the Wu army attacked Duke Guan from his ass and General Zhang Fei was murdered in his sleep!" The soldier rattled immediately.

There was stunned silence. Liu Bei was staring with popping eyes at the soldier, who seemed to be quelled under the stare, while everyone in the room went quiet.

"Wow...blunt much..." Zhao Yun remarked, trying to break the silence.

"We lost the damn easy battle? What the blazes..." Zhuge Liang muttered, rolling his eyes.

"No...it can't be...my brothers..." Liu Bei stuttered, before banging his fist hard on the arm rest of his throne.

As Zhao Yun and Zhuge Liang turned around in alarm, Liu Bei growled, "Bring me my lightsaber at once."

He stood up slowly and declared, "Everyone! Begin preparing for war!"

"No, my lord!" Zhao Yun exclaimed. " Our enemy is the Sith Wei! You're walking down the path of the Dark Side! It's not the Jedi way, my lord!"

"You must not let your emotions take control of you, Xuan De. (That's Liu Bei's style name) Vengeance and anger are Sith emotions." Zhuge Liang reinforced, standing in front of Liu Bei. "Please, reconsider." He added, bowing respectfully.

"None of that matters to me any more!" Liu Bei yelled, Force Choking Zhuge Liang and hurling him five yards away. "No one understands my pain!"

Summoning his lightsaber from the soldier's hands, he ignited the emerald-green blade, feeling the Dark Side surging through the room. "For the death of my brothers, Wu must pay!"

As Zhuge Liang slowly got up, he said to himself, "What can we do? He's our leader. It's not like I can stop him with a lightsaber or something..."

The battle will soon begin at Yiling.

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"My lord has turned to the Dark Side." Zhuge Liang stated plainly before the Wu commanders, fanning himself with the peacock-feather fan casually, as if this was just some ordinary parlay session. "I feel Shu will be doomed if I continue to serve him." He added, looking at each of the Wu commanders' faces.

"So, why are you calling us, your enemy, to a secret meeting?" Sun Quan asked.

"Well, I would like to conspire with you in terms of strategies for defeating my lord in this battle" Zhuge Liang said simply, earning him many surprised looks. "He has become evil, and I think he must be deposed." He pressed again, justifying himself.

"Wow, Master Kongming, disloyal much?" Lu Meng raised an eyebrow.

"I would like us to work together in defeating my lord during this battle." Zhuge Liang repeated, not saying anything else. A smile appeared on Sun Quan's face.

"Excellent! With you on our side, we will surely win!" He exclaimed, before feeling himself punctured by Kongming's next words.

"Remember I am still your enemy in a long run; I am only working with you temporarily." Zhuge Liang said, taking out a little scroll from his bag. "So, here's my plan." He added.

"Hey! I'm the Wu strategist!" Lu Meng and Lu Xun both yelled simultaneously.

"Do either of you have a better plan that this?" Zhuge Liang said dubiously, unrolling the scroll, revealing a diagram of a meticulously planned battle strategy.

Sun Quan, Lu Meng and Lu Xun just stared in silence.

"Alright here's what we do." Zhuge Liang said businesslike. "There is a fatal flaw in the Shu army, and that is during this time of the year, and taking into account all the materials and battleground, they are extremely vulnerable to fire."

He was cut off by an overly-excited Lu Xun, who instantly yelled, "FIRE! I LIKE FIRE!"

Lu Xun calmed down, coughed twice and tried to look as dignified as possible, while Zhuge Liang continued.

"I have ordered five thousand barrels of wine and petrol for the Shu army. During delivery, the soldier are going to accidentally spill some on everything we own. Then someone sets fire, and we can win easy."

"That would be no problem." Lu Meng said, amused, pulling out a matchstick from nowhere. Lu Xun made an involuntary movement, as if halfway to snatching the matchstick.

"Setting fire needs meticulous planning." Zhuge Liang began to correct him. What can a matchstick do to an army of seven hundred thousand? He thought.

"Not true for the Kingdom of Wu!" Lu Meng declared jovially. "We have a top-notch pyromaniac in Wu. All we have to do this give him a matchstick, unleash him on the enemy, and THAR SHE BLOWS!"

"You have a pyromaniac in your army?" The master strategist of Shu questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"He is the most extreme of us all. And a terrific one at that." Lu Meng said proudly, waving the matchstick about in the air as he spoke.

Meanwhile, Lu Xun was staring hungrily at the matchstick in his mentor's hand, following its movements with his beetle-black eyes.

"Alright. I'll slop the petrol and wine all over my place, while you set us on fire." Zhuge Liang said with a tone of finality. Lu Meng and Sun Quan agreed with curt nods. "I will give the signal when the fire attack is good to go." He added, turning to leave.

Before Zhuge Liang took a step, Sun Quan blurted, "What's the purpose of the petrol?"

"Oh! Well, I have invented a big armored vehicle complete with cannon and tracks and all. It needs a ton of petrol; trust me, they don't come cheap." Zhuge Liang muttered conversationally, almost off-handedly. "I call it the tank." He smiled at Sun Quan's shocked expression.

"What's it do?" Sun Quan pressed.

"It fires an incendiary mortar that explodes in flames upon contact with the enemy ranks, setting everything ablaze. Typical for the Wu style."

Every mention of "fire" made Lu Xun jerk involuntarily.

"Spectacular!" Lu Meng yelled, waving the matchstick vigorously in the air.

Something in Lu Xun seemed to snap. He pounced on Lu Meng, screaming, "GIMME THE MATCHSTICK!"

"OI! MY MATCHSTICK!" Lu Meng roared, fending his student off and keeping the matchstick away from Lu Xun's crazy-starved rage.

"I WANT THE MATCHSTICK!"

"NO! NO! NO! MINE! MINE!"

"GIMME! GIMME! GIMME!"

The resulting struggle between all four persons in the tent – Zhuge Liang and Sun Quan trying to stop the fight – set the tent ablaze. Within five seconds, the entire tent was burnt down to the ground.

The looking-very-much-like-a-piece-of-charcoal Zhuge Liang attempted to put the fire out with his fan, saying, "Yes. Very smoothly, this fire attack should go."

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As a result of Lu Xun's crazed matchstick kung-fu and the clumsy "accidents" within the Shu forces including spilling two barrels of petrol right over Liu Bei's head, the entire area of Yiling was consumed by a raging inferno. Liu Bei was totally owned.

Stuck in his main camp, he let out a furious Force Scream that knocked out Zhou Tai, Zhu Ran, Gan Ning and Ling Tong all at once.

"Damn! He's too strong!" Gan Ning yelled desperately.

"WU! YOU ARE NO MATCH FOR THE POWER OF THE DARK SIDE!" Liu Bei bellowed, making the entire Wu army back off.

"...strong..." Zhou Tai muttered.

Then Liu Bei unleashed a bolt of Force Lightning at Sun Quan, who was in the base during the final assault.

"Gaaah!"

"TREMBLE BEFORE MY VENGEANCE!"

Then Sun Shang Xiang stepped forward and declared, "Damn it fight me, Liu Bei!"

"Shang Xiang?" Liu Bei said, softening. He fired up almost immediately and glared at Sun Quan.

"You brought her here to kill me! You know I wouldn't kill her because she's my wife!" He screamed, Force Choking him.

"No...no...I didn't..." Sun Quan tried to say.

"Darling! Let him go!" Shang Xiang ordered. Liu Bei kept strangling Sun Quan.

"Let him go." She repeated. Liu Bei dropped him, watching the unconscious Sun Quan hit the burning ground like a dead weight.

"YOU TURNED AGAINST ME!" He roared at his wife.

"You have done that yourself!" Shang Xiang reprimanded. "You have allowed your grief to twist your mind until now...until now you've become the very thing you've sworn to destroy."

"Don't lecture me, Shang Xiang. I must avenge my brothers. By killing y'all, I have brought peace to my brothers' spirits!"

"Peace?" Shang Xiang yelled

"Don't make me kill you."

"Darling, my allegiance is to the Light Side, TO THE JEDI!"

"If you're not with me, then you're my enemy."

Shang Xiang knew her loyalties lie with her family, not her now-evil-Sith husband. "Only a Sith deals in absolutes. I will do what I must." She readied herself for a duel.

"You will try." Igniting his Lightsaber, Liu Bei jumped attacked his wife with a Sith snarl.

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"It's over, darling! I have the high ground!" Shang Xiang warned, watching her husband.

They had been dueling for the last four hours, neither besting the other.

"You underestimate my power!" Liu Bei threatened.

"Don't try it!"

Liu Bei did, charging her with his lightsaber held high. But Shang Xiang was too quick for him. She swung her weapon as he approached, and the next thing she saw was Liu Bei backing off, kneeling down, clutching at a bloody fatal wound that sliced through his guts. He seemed shocked coming to terms that he was going to die.

Shang Xiang stood up and screamed, "You were a Hero of the Han! It was said that you would destroy Cao Cao, not become him! Bring balance to the Force...I mean, to China, not leave it to darkness!"

Liu Bei got up unsteadily, but he was too weak to walk any more. Stumbling a few steps, he fell to his right and collided with a barrel of petrol, knocking it over and drenching him in gasoline.

BOOM!

In an instant, Liu Bei was set alight. All the Shu officers (including Zhao Yun and Zhuge Liang) watched him burn in horror, the Wu officers quietly celebrating their victory but too disgusted by the immolation to party.

As Liu Bei was screaming in agony, Shang Xiang tearfully imparted, "You were my husband, Xuan De. I loved you."

Liu Bei stared up at her with flaming eyes, screaming, "I HATE YOU!"

The battle was over, and Liu Bei's life was now left in the hands of the gods, or more appropriately, the Force.

Zhuge Liang clapped his hands twice and announced through a loudspeaker, "Alright! Let's clean up all this mess!"

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I might consider putting down Liu Chan's redeeming his father from the Dark Side, but that might be a bit hard to write. This is supposed to be comedy. Oh well, I hoped you liked it!

I am not as skilled in comedy as I am in other areas (see my profile), but I'll be extremely grateful to receive any remarks about this mini-story. Love it, hate it, needs some editing, anything will do. You can flame it for all I care; I know this is not my best. (LOL, don't let Lu Xun catch you flaming him!)

Gracias!

Terrorking Tragedian