FF ︰ Love just ain't enough
Disclaimer : Show and characters are not mine, they belongs to CBS and TPTB.
A/N : It's the sequel to "Lost It All", thanks SJ for the beta, you're the best!
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I slapped him.
I slapped the man I loved with all my heart in life when he told me he loved me.
I slapped Grissom.
I didn't jump into his arms and kiss him everywhere I could have found in the way that I've been dreamed of. I didn't yell "I love you, too" back to him in the way I've pictured in my mind for these years. What did I do when he told me he loved me? I slapped him.
What kind of women was I?
I left my best friend because I loved him and I thought there would be no chance for us. There would be no chance that he would love me back. I kept myself away from him as far as I can. Even my heart hurt like hell because I didn't think he would return my love for him. But when he came such a distance to say he loved me and said these words that I've been longed for, I just clapped him.
I was really crazy, wasn't I?
I knew I should tell him. I knew I should tell him the truth, I should tell him I have loved him as long as he has. I should hug him tight and never let go. My shattered heart screamed to me to do it, to take his love and we will live happily ever after.
But my mind stopped me, my crazy mind told me I can't, why?
Because fear is above love. Because sometimes love just ain't enough. Because what you want is not always what you will have.
Because happy ending just doesn't happen in the real world. Because nothing in life is permanent.
People change. We all do. I learned it from my past in a hard way.
And I can't stop the thoughts and questions running through in my head.
How can he say he loved me when he's with Sara? How can he just leave Sara like this and say he follows his heart to come to me? And said he loved me? How can he just like Eddie to leave a woman for another woman, for me?
I don't want to be the other woman. I know how hurt it is. How can I just let Gil hurt Sara like Eddie hurt me before?
I can't.
And what if he just missed his best friend too much to think things straight? What if one day he just realized he didn't love me at all? What if it's just in the heart of the moment? What if he left me just like the way he left Sara to come to my door? What if he left me just for another woman in the future?
I've already lost Grissom once in Las Vegas, I don't think I can stand this "maybe" and that I will lose him again in my life.
I can't.
I can't let it happen.
I feel I think too much but I can't stop thinking.
My heart is still in pieces after leaving him because he was with Sara. The pain still hurts so much I have to remind myself of breathing when I think of him.
I don't think I can go through it again, not again, I can't let it happen. I need to stop it. I need to let Grissom know not to love me. I need to make myself not love him. It sounds so wrong, but I know that's what I have to do it now. It's the thing I have to do.
"I think you should leave now."
Please don't let me say it again, Gil. Just leave me alone and go back to Vegas. Please.
"I don't understand, Catherine."
Of course you don't understand, after all, you're a man, Gil.
"You can't love me, Gil."
God, just saying it out loud hurts more than just thinking of it, it hurts so much.
"Why not? I've been in love with you for twenty years."
But it won't change the fact that there will be a chance you may stop loving me someday, my dear Mr. Grissom.
"You have a girlfriend, Grissom! Don't you dare forget it!"
And you should go back to Las Vegas to be with her, Gil. You hurt me already. Don't hurt Sara, she is a good girl. She can take care of you.
"Not anymore, I didn't love Sara."
I hold my breath.
" I love you, Cath."
Those words hit me so hard that I want to scream, so I did.
"Stop saying that!"
Now I become an angry and frustrated woman because the man I love keeps saying he loves me, I'm really crazy, aren't I?
"I'll say it again and again. I'll repeat it as many time as I can until I convince you to believe me. Catherine, I love you."
You can't convince me, Gil, you can't, and I won't let you.
"You're saying it now, but how about one month later? A year? How can I be sure you won't leave me for another woman in the future? Just like the way you left Sara to come to me?"
There.
I said it. I told him my biggest fear that I just can't hide any more. I see the pain and shock in his beautiful blue eyes. I didn't mean to hurt you, bugman. But I need to protect my heart from you. Please understand.
"You think I will leave you for another woman?!"
I think you will stop loving me one day, Gil. And I don't think I have enough strength to let you do that to me.
"Don't tell me that you won't because you just did it to Sara!"
And the fact of you standing here just proved my fear already, Gil.
"That's different! I will never leave you for another woman, Cath! You should know that!"
But I don't, Gil.
"Never say never, Grissom."
So far, I think my bitchy attitude works very well, the unbelievable shock on Gil's face is turning to stormy angry.
"How could you think of me like that?!"
Because the past taught me the hardest lesson, Gil, sometimes love just ain't enough.
"You're a man, Grissom. I learned it from my ex-husband. And I won't make the same mistake again."
You already broke my heart once, Gil, and I don't think it will ever be healed.
"I'm not Eddie. I will never hurt you."
You already have, Gil, more than you think, that's why I can't let you hurt me again.
"Please, just...leave. I don't want to say anything more that will make both of us regret. Please, Gil...just go."
I hear my voice breaking now, I need to make him leave soon.
"Cath..."
He wants to win the battle, I can't let him.
"Don't Cath me! Don't you dare Cath me again! You already broke my heart for once, I'm not going to let you do it to me again!"
I can't believe I just told him the truth, the truth of letting him break my heart. And the silence between us just made me want to shut the door in his face.
"What did you just say?"
The truth, my dear Grissom, the truth of my loving you.
"I love you, Gil. There, I say it, you hear it. I love you and I have been in love with you maybe as long as you have. But I'm not going to let you hurt me again, I can't let you love me, don't you understand? I won't be survive if you leave me and break my heart again. I can't let you love me, Gil. I can't. I'm sorry."
There was nothing but silence. He just stared at me like he never knew me, but I don't have the strength to look away. Just let him understand, please, make him understand.
"I'm sorry, too. "
And I feel my heart stop for a second.
"I'm sorry that you can't let me love you. I'm sorry that I can't take your fears of love away. I'm sorry that I can't make you believe in love again. I'm sorry that I'm not the one who you can trust. But I do know one thing and one thing only. I love you, Catherine, there's nothing will change it. And I know I will never hurt you again."
That were his last words. Then he just turned around and walked away from my life. It seemed like a slow motion in a movie. I didn't speak a word. I didn't say goodbye. I didn't even move at all but just stared at his back. I thought I was protected my heart from breaking. I thought my heart won't be broken for Gil when I let him not love me.
I was wrong.
My heart just shattered all over again for him and more than I can bear.
And I know my heart will never be healed.
The End