Title: "The art of cleaning guns"
Rating: well PG-13 for innuendos
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon is the man and I worship his godliness.
WC: 1,085
Summary: Simon's mind is a bit discombobulated
A/N: First fanfiction guys, whoo hoo. Finished March 27, 2007
Simon needed a doctor, and not just any doctor, he needed a shrink…psychiatrist…whatever. Bottom line Simon needed help…professional help. Because cleaning a gun should not be so sexy he wanted to rip of his own clothes and beg to be…whoa there tiger, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Let's begin at where it all started.
It began making itself known after he and Kaylee had sex for the first time. They did it, la di da, and afterwards as they lay side by side staring at the ceiling (which had a cute little mural of furry happy creatures in a forest), that Kaylee turned to him and said,
"You're sly, aren't ya Simon."
This progressed into Simon spewing gibberish as he tried to form words to make a coherent statement and Kaylee smiling at him, all knowing and still just as sweet as pie. This then led to the end of any kind of sexual relationship, reverting back to being best friends, and Simon spending a few months trying to diagnose this madness. Because seriously, how could he have been sly his whole life and not known it, because someone of his intellect can't not know these things. It must be this gorram ship, with its sputtering engine, moldy protein food, captains wearing too tight pants, burly men in tight shirts and big muscles that you just wanted to…
Stop. Just stop. We must stay on track and focus. Breathe in, breathe out.
Alright so Simon being sly could explain why he stared a little too long when Ja…a crew member worked out or when he put newly 'retrieved' cargo away or when he ate his food or when he cleaned…no, not going there. It also could explain why sex with Kaylee had been so awkward and why his dreams were plagued with a big burly Ja…man. But honestly, it just doesn't make sense. But if there's one thing this ship has taught him is that the things that don't make sense don't matter, just keep flying. Just keep flying with a crew composed of a crazy captain, a registered companion, a warrior woman, a funky pilot, a too young mechanic, a Sheppard, and that sexy merc you just wanted to…why can't he go two minutes without thinking about sex, my god.
So okay, Simon's sly, woo hoo let's have a party to celebrate that epiphany, now for the tricky part…what to do with this new found knowledge. It's not like Simon liked anyone on the crew, sexually that is…not really…no, shut up.
Well okay, maybe there is one person whom a relationship with isn't all that appalling but it's not like Ja…this person would ever go for it. And they are so not compatible. Let's compare shall we. One uses his smarts, the other his instinct (if you could call it that). One was raised in a fine, respectable home with values and morals, the other in the butt-crack of no and where. One liked opera, the other like weapons. One took bullets out of people, the other put them in. One has wonderful hygiene, the other couldn't even identify what soap looked like. Okay that last one was harsh, Simon was sure Ja…that man bathed regularly, besides the sweat and dirt was part of his appeal…kinda sexy…
All right, let's be serious here.
In reality it could possibly work except for one small factor. Simon didn't know if this man was sly, or even remotely interested considering the spats the two of them have had and the whorehouses he tends to frequent planet side, which by the way was so rude. Simon barely gets to leave the ship while this ape…man gets to go off wherever he likes once business is done. Simon is not jealous…well okay, he's jealous of the fact that he can leave the ship while Simon cannot and for no other reason, Simon isn't jealous of those whores not in a million years…nu-uh...shut it. He is not jealous that those women get to feel those big callused palms run over their bodies or the scrape of that goatee as that mouth descends into every nook and cranny…whoa, is it hot in here…so anyway, Simon is not jealous of those whores, period.
So this whole thing will now lead back to where we started which is in the sexiness of cleaning guns. Simon was minding his own business, taking a stroll, when he came upon Ja…this guy, cleaning guns on the kitchen table. Simon had frozen in the doorway watching when this whole inner dialogue came about, kinda came out of nowhere…well kinda out of nowhere anyway. He stood watching the gentle stroke of an oiled silk rag clutched in a large hand as it slid sensuously up and down the barrel of the gun. Up and down, stroking and clenching, sliding along that hard…shaft…oh my god…
Simon stood, brain malfunctioning for a few moments in arousal override before he came to his senses and turned on his heel and left. Any more time in that room, facing that exhibition and he would have knocked that gun clean out of Jayne's hand and spread himself out on that table, waiting to be devoured. So Simon left to go fix his head on straight, masturbate, and find a solution that didn't involve him losing face, or at least any more than necessary.
If Simon had been as smart as he claims though, he would have looked back one last time before leaving the room and catch the sight of Jayne's smirk. A predatory and calculated smirk, revealing there was more in that head than the man-ape-gone-wrong-thing let on. A smirk that waited for Simon to turn around and see it so they can stop this game and get on with the sexin'. A smirk that said 'I'm gonna fuck the living daylights out'a ya, once you admit ya want it though.' Jayne will wait and be patient, like he has been since Kaylee came to him and told him the good news; the doc is gay and has a sweet spot for Jayne. She warned him to go slow on him and not scare the doc off or she threatened most unspeakable things would happen to his guns. Damn that girl and her cleverness.
Ah well, for now it's kinda fun to watch the doc squirm, kinda like torture but without the blood. He knows that in time Simon will come around.
It won't be much longer now.