Today is...well, to say that today is not a good day in the life of me is an understatement. So, this fic will be...well, angsty isn't quite the word. Y'all know me. If I think it's angsty, you know it's crazy. So...enjoy, I guess? This will follow 4x01 for a while, but when they get to the swing scene it will go AU.
Disclaimer: Castle and all its characters belong to Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC. "Broken" belongs to Lifehouse, "Country Song" belongs to Seether and "Santa Monica" belongs to Theory of a Deadman.
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The broken locks were a warning,
You got inside my head.
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead.
I still see your reflection inside my eyes,
They're still looking for purpose,
Still looking for life.
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating.
In the pain there is healing,
In your name I find meaning.
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It had all started on a brisk, early fall evening when he went to visit her for the first time.
He walked out of the hospital in a daze. She didn't remember. He'd finally told her that he was in love with her and she didn't remember a damned word of it. But, she was alive. Her heart was still beating, and she was still breathing. That was what mattered.
She had said she needed time. A couple days, and she'd call him. He could do this, right? He'd waited three years. A couple of days couldn't hurt, could it?
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Three months later...
"Kate, you can make it out to Kate." His eyes snapped up to meet her. Anger, hurt, excitement, and loved scorched through him at such an alarming rate that he was completely unaware what he was feeling.
He opened his mouth to say something, but decided to sign the book and hand it back to her wordlessly. A small twinge of sadness punched his heart at the hurt in her eyes as she took it and walked to the coffee shop in the book store.
She ordered a latte, walked to one of the overstuffed chairs in a corner, and curled up with his book to pass the time while she waited.
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When he finally finished the signing after what felt like an eternity, he glanced around the book store, but she was no where in sight. He couldn't deny the sinking sadness when he couldn't find her, but the anger won over again as he caught a glimpse of her leaning non-chalantly against the building.
Rick thanked a couple more of his fans before brushing past her. He tried to focus on anything but her hurried movement behind him.
"Castle," She huffed, jogging to catch up to him. "Wait!"
"I did." His voice was fridgid. "For three months. You never called."
"Look, I know you're angry, but-." That was the button he'd been waiting for her to push. He spun on his heel and leveled a steely glare at her.
"Oh, you're damn right I'm angry." His blood boiled. "I watched you die in that ambulance. Did you know that?" He refused to dignify her with the ability to reply. "Do you know what that's like? Watching the life drain out of someone you-." He stopped himself before he said something that would surely confuse the hell out of the both of them. "Someone you care about?" She gaped a moment before answering.
"I told you I needed time."
"You said a few days." She looked at his feet.
"I needed more." She whispered.
"Well," He threw on a sarcastic grin. "You shoulda said that." Rick turned and walked away.
"Okay, look Castle, I couldn't call you. Not without dragging myself into," She paused to take a deep breath, and he turned to face her, anger chisled into his usually soft features. "Everything I was trying to get some space from. Ineeded time to work through everything."
"Josh help you with that?"
"We broke up." He was shocked at the lack of emotion her statement yielded in him. She walked towards the swingset, and took a seat. It didn't take him long to follow. It never did. He was always with her.
Castle dropped onto the swing gently. He pushed himself back and forth a moment, dragging his shoes in the dirt beneath him. They were silent for a moment before she spoke.
"I liked him. A lot. But...it wasn't enough." She whispered, looking at the fraying material of his jeans. Castle looked at her curiously.
"I wasn't asking."
"Yes, you were not asking very loudly." She smiled gently, but the expression fell from her face when she realized he wasn't smiling.
"Why couldn't you let me help you, Kate? I said always. I meant it. But I can't keep doing this." He stood from the swing and paced in front of her, running his hand through his hair. He let his arms fall to his sides and he stopped directly in front of her. Kate toyed with the edge of her book.
"Keep doing what, Rick?" Her voice was quiet and laced with sadness.
"This!" He gestured between the two of them. "Whatever the hell you feel like calling this dysfunctional little relationship we have on any given day." He snarled, his blue eyes flaming with a white hot anger that was boardering on hatred.
"What do you mean what I feel like calling it?" She was on her feet in an instant, her nose almost pressing against his. The book that had been clenched in her hands was now laying discarded on the ground. Were the situation not so intense, Castle's sure that he may have found some humor in the metaphor. The book that had brought them together was now laying on the ground with the ruins of his soul. Of their partnership.
"I mean that everything about this, about us, is always under your terms. Never mine. Hell, Kate, you're that way with everything. Even the way you act with the boys. It's never about how something is going to affect someone else. Did you ever, for even a second, stop to think how this has been affecting anyone else?" He spat, stepping even closer to her. Her eyes flashed a moment, confusion blanketing her expression. "No, of course you didn't. Because this is all about you, isn't it Katherine. Always about the 'great Detective Beckett'. Your career. Your crime scene. Your shooter, you need time. Your emotions being out of whack. Your boyfriends, your meaningless waste of time fucking flings. Your mother's murder. News flash, Kate, everyone else has been with you through this too." He was no longer trying to contain the harsh tone of his voice, instead he let the venom seep through his teeth. He needed to make her see.
"Castle, I-."
"You always expect me to be there for you, don't you? You always think that you can treat me like the whipping-boy for your ridiculous mood swings." He gestured to her vaguely, his anger controlling his actions more than his active train of thought. "Well, guess what, I won't be. Next time you turn around, and you need that shoulder to cry on, that person to tell you that we can move the rubber plant tree, the person that holds you when you are grasping onto the last strands of life? It's not going to be me. You're going to turn around and all your going to see is an empty spot full of things that could have been and things that have been. All you're going to see is the 'what-if's." His chest was heaving by the time he finished his rant. "We could have been something wonderful, Kate. I could have been your one and done, and I know this because you've been my 'always' for going on four years. If you had opened up your eyes you would have seen that I've been here waiting this whole time. I thought that you were this extraordinary, wonderfully strong and brave woman. But, as it turns out, you're nothing but the coward that you have always thought you were." She stared at him, tears streaming down her cheeks and landing on her shirt.
"Rick, I," She choked on a sob. "I lied." He gave her a confused glance, his unruly bangs slightly falling into his eyes and making him look like something out of a Stephen King movie. "In the hosptial, when I said I didn't remember the shooting." Kate took a deep, shaky breath. "I remember everything." She lifted a hand to his cheek and brushed away the stray tear that had escaped his own eyes. "I heard you, Castle. I heard what you said." His expression went from confused, to realization, to anger as he batted her hand away from his face and took a staggering step backwards.
"Why?" He whispered, his voice harsh.
"I was scared, Rick. I'm so in love with you that it terrified me and I knew that if I admitted to hearing you then I would have to admit that I love you as much as you love me, and then I had to risk losing you." She cupped his cheeks in her hands and forced him to look into her eyes. His blue orbs captivated her for a moment and she allowed all forms of speech to run from her brain before regaining her thoughts and continuing. "But, I'm not scared anymore, Rick. I know what I want. And it starts with you and me going on a real date." She grinned at him and brushed the wild hair out of his face. She was, once again, surprised when she found his features completely emotionless.
"There you go again." When Castle finally spoke, his voice could have frozen hell over. "You, you, you. When is it ever going to be about what I want, Kate? Huh?" She jumped at the sudden jump in his voice.
"Rick, don't you want this?"
"You bet your ass I do, Kate." He replied. She smiled and leaned in to place a kiss on his lips, but he turned his head at the last moment and her soft lips collided with his stubbled cheek. She pulled back to look at him. "Just because I want something doesn't mean that it's something I'm going to get. There's too much that has gone wrong here, Kate. I wish like hell that you'd called." He whispered, brushing a strand of hair out of her face and placed a kiss to her forehead before quickly pulling away. He kept his fingers brushing against her hand, needing to maintain some form of contact.
"But, I..." She teared up again, a sob tightening her throat.
"Goodbye, Katherine Beckett." He dropped her hand, handed her the book, opening it to the page he'd signed in the back, and walked away. She stared after him, her arms wrapped around herself, as the sobs came unbidden. She heard a soft crack and, even though she knew it was a twig under her foot, she couldn't help but believe that it was an unrepairable fault line etching into her heart.
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Well, I can't stand to look at you now,
This revelation's out of my hands.
Still, I can't bear the thought of you know,
This complication's leaving me scared.
Stay when you think you want me,
Pray when you need advice.
Hey, keep your sickness off me,
Trying to get through.
Blame all your weakness on me,
Shame that I'm so contrite.
Hey, keep fingers off me,
Why can't I get through?
You think you have the best of intentions,
I cannot shake the taste of blood in my mouth.
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Six weeks later...
He'd told her not to call, he'd told her not to write. He'd severed all ties to the 12th Precinct. He didn't want a reminder that the one thing he wanted most in the world was the one thing that he'd pushed away in a fit of anger, entitled or not.
She'd told him that she'd broken up with Josh. She'd told him that she loved him and wanted to dive into it with him. And he'd walked away. He'd spent the past six weeks cursing himself out for being to completely stupid.
Castle groaned, running his hands through his hair and leaned back in his office chair, his laptop teetering precariously on his legs that were kicked up on his desk. He'd been trying, unsuccessfully, to write for hours that day. He had a deadline at midnight, and he knew if he didn't make it there were some angry phone calls already lined up to be made to him. A soft knock on his office door had him setting the laptop on the desk and crossing to the door, holding his jeans around his waist the entire way.
He'd stopped eating much since that day on the swings. He couldn't bring himself to eat a food that he knew what it was supposed to taste like, but couldn't taste it. Without Kate in his life everyday, tastes were gone, colors seemed dull, the magic had completely drained from him. He sighed and twisted the knob before pulling his door open. The sight on the other side of the door nearly stopped his heart.
"Kate." He breathed, his heart jumping into his throat. She smiled shyly at him and eyed him under half closed lids. "What...what are you doing here?"
"I came to tell you that we need to talk." She brushed past him into the office.
Good, now I can finally tell her how stupid I was to say all of that in the park. I can tell her that I've regretted it everyday since, and that I'm ready to dive into it too. He smiled, turning to watch her pace his office nervously, her eyes skating over the expansive book shelves.
"I put in a transfer to Los Angeles." She blurted finally. He stopped dead in his tracks and stared at her.
"You, what?" He gaped.
"I'm going to be trasnferring to a precinct in L.A." She repeated, stepping towards him. "I thought about what you said, and you're right. It's not fair for me to keep burdening everyone with all of my issues."
"I think that we are on completely different pages as to the connotation of my words that day, Detective." He chuckled humorlessly.
"No, Rick, you were right. I've been selfish to everyone. You, Lanie, the boys." She paused a moment before adding, "Montgomery. So, I'm leaving tomorrow. Just came to say my goodbyes. So..." She wrapped him in a tight hug, running her hands over his back that was nothing but muscle, tendon and bone. "Rick, have you been losing weight? You feel scrawny." She said, her voice muffled by his silk button down.
"Been working out. Trying to buff up."
"You may want to take a different tactic. You don't look buff. You just look like a sick person." She replied, pulling away from him. He immediately missed the warmth and smell of cherries she always provided. "So, I guess this is good bye."
"Kate, you don't have to-."
"Yes, I do, Castle." She sighed, putting a hand on his shoulder before turning and walking out the door. She paused at the edge of his office, her hand gripping the doorframe. "One other thing. Just in case I didn't make it clear six weeks ago, I do love you Richard Alexander Rodgers. Always." And with that she was gone, leaving Castle to try to collect his reeling mind. She was gone.
He watched the tail lights of the cab disappear into the rainy, New York night. The woman that he loved was gone, and there wasn't a damned thing in the world that he could do about it other than stand in his office listening to the words he couldn't say.
It had all started on a brisk, early fall evening the first time he went to visit her, but it had ended on an endlessly dark night the last time he let her walk away.
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She fills my bed with gasoline, you think I woulda noticed. Her mind's made up, the love is gone.
I think someone's trying to show us a sign,
That even if we thought it would last, the moment has passed.
My bones will break, and my heart will give,
Oh, it hurts to live.
And I remember the day that you left for Santa Monica.
You left me to remain with all your excuses for everything. And I remember the time you left for Santa Monica,
I remember the day you told me 'it's over'.
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Right, so...love it? Hate it? Think I should see a psychologist? Drop me a line. Much love, J.R. xo