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The Epic Showdown
By Renegade Raine
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It started out as a great day for Kenpachi Zaraki. Four Hollows were causing all sorts of havoc in Soul Society, which means there was just enough of them for Yachiru, Ikkaku, Yumichika, and himself to have the thrill in battle that they all had been lusting about for weeks. Sure, if it were up to him, he'd take on all four at once, but he knew that he would never hear the end of it from his subordinates, so he directed everyone in his group to take on one each.
"Surrender, Shinigami!" a Hollow shrieked as Kenpachi advanced toward it. Kenpachi only responded by grinning madly and extending his middle finger at it.
Then in the next few minutes, it was pure bliss as Kenpachi fought with the Hollow. He could have easily beaten it within the first two minutes, but it was not often that he had a chance to fight against an actual opponent, so he savored the experience. He could hear the faint sound of ringing, but paid it no attention as he focused on the beast in front of him. A few seconds later, Kenpachi was surprised as another Hollow scratched his arm.
"What the hell?" Kenpachi muttered as he momentarily took his one-eyed gaze off of his opponent to look at the one who attacked him. He also saw Yumichika dashing out of the battlefield.
"Sorry, Captain Zaraki, but I just got an urgent call!" Yumichika hollered. "Japanese superstar Gackt is going to have a performance in two hours and he can't remember the choreography for his first song!"
"You're leaving the battle to go teach some guy how to dance?!" Kenpachi growled.
"Well, god knows that the only moves that the guy can do by himself is dry humping on the stage!" Yumichika huffed before he left the scene completely. Kenpachi's original opponent then attacked him, causing Kenpachi to go back into battle mode.
"Oh well, all the more for myself, huh?" he commented and finished both Hollows off within five minutes. However, as he turned around, he saw both Ikkaku and Yachiru waiting for him.
"Geez Ken-chan, what took you so long?" Yachiru sighed. "Not only are you slow, but you got injured too!"
"If it wasn't for that damned fruitcake bailing on us, I'd be the one laughing at both of you!" Kenpachi countered. "And I barely got scratched!"
Both Yachiru and Ikkaku looked unimpressed, as they watched the blood trickle out not only his arm, but also from his abdomen.
"You'd better go so Uno-chan, that wound looks pretty bad." Yachiru suggested.
"Screw that." Kenpachi responded. "I'd rather die than go to the Fourth Division while I'm still conscious!"
"Hey Baldy…" Yachiru called out.
"Yeah, yeah…I know." Ikkaku said as he took out a set of chains.
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An hour later, Kenpachi was yelling as Yachiru dragged him into the Fourth Division headquarters by the chains that Ikkaku somehow managed to bound him with. Ikkaku was also in attendance as he silently walked by Yachiru.
"Let me guess…Captain Zaraki got injured yet again in the Hollow attack?" Isane asked, as she watched the three Eleventh Division members walk inside.
"Yep! Ken-chan is so reckless!" Yachiru said with a slight scowl.
"I keep tellin' ya, if it weren't for that damned Yumichika running off, it would've never happened!" Kenpachi yelled.
"Excuses, excuses." Yachiru groaned.
"I'll go fetch Captain Unohana." Isane said with a slight smile before taking off to find her superior.
"That's not necessary, dammit!" Kenpachi protested, but there was not much he could do about it, since he was still restrained by chains.
"Ikkaku, you know you're going to get it when we get back to our base, right?" Kenpachi growled.
"Yeah, but at least I'll be prepared for it." Ikkaku responded. "And quite frankly, I don't know if you or Yachiru is the scarier one."
Before Kenpachi could scold him even more though, Unohana came walking through the door, causing the man to groan in dismay.
"It would appear that you disregarded my advice to take it easy in battle." Unohana chided.
"Take it easy? That's bullshit." Kenpachi scoffed.
"Perhaps, but it is also not wise to sustain as many injuries as you do either." Unohana said.
"It's all a part of battle. But you Fourth Division weaklings wouldn't know anything about that, would ya?" Kenpachi challenged with a grin.
"Is that so?" Unohana said with a raised eyebrow. "It is true that my division is known more for it's healing powers, but it does not mean that we have not all had our own personal experiences in battle."
"The only experience you bastards probably have in battle is watching from the sidelines! Hell, I bet if I took you on right now, I'd defeat you on the spot!" Kenpachi argued.
Unohana frowned for a moment, as if considering something, but a few seconds later, her lips turned up slowly to form a smile. To Kenpachi, it seemed like a regular gentle smile, but it was absolutely terrifying to the others in the room who had a lower spiritual energy.
"Is that a challenge, Zaraki-san?" Unohana asked.
"Of course it is." Kenpachi grinned.
"Very well, but allow me to heal your wounds first." Unohana said, stepping back to survey the damage. She looked at his chains, and then turned her head to Yachiru. "It's not wise to bound a man with chains when his abdomen is already wounded."
"But Ken-chan is stubborn, it was the only way I could get him over here." Yachiru shrugged.
"I understand, but the chains are an obstacle for my healing. Could you and Ikkaku-san put the chains around his hands instead?" Unohana requested.
"Of course!" Yachiru said cheerfully as she went over with a less thrilled Ikkaku to transfer the chains to his hands.
A few minutes later, was still protesting as Unohana treated his wounds, while chains held his hands above him. After Yachiru and Ikkaku had adjusted the chains, Unohana went behind Kenpachi and healed the wound near his triceps area. That was already bad enough, but when she started healing his abdomen wound, Kenpachi protested more.
"This seems wrong, dammit!" Kenpachi grumbled as Unohana merely did her job. The fact of the matter was though was that the situation brought back a memory of walking around his division one day, when he saw a female member of his division showing something to a very confused looking Yachiru.
Out of curiosity, Kenpachi snatched the item that was being shown to his vice-captain and flipped through a couple of pages of it. But when he saw a page of a character that had a strong resemblance to the Sixth Division captain ravaging another male character that was bound by chains, he immediately shred it to pieces.
"I've healed you other times before, so I don't see why you are so upset about it this time." Unohana said calmly, as she finished healing the wound.
"So now that I'm healed, are we going to fight, or was that just an empty promise?" Kenpachi said, desperately wanting to change the subject.
"Of course. I have other matters to attend to first though." Unohana answered. "In an hour though, I will meet you outside of your headquarters to quell your misconceptions about my division."
"Take as long as you want, the fact of the matter is that I ain't losing." Kenpachi grinned.
"If you're so confident, why don't we put a little extra at stake?" Unohana asked.
"Like what?" Kenpachi said with a raised brow.
"Since this is a pride battle between our divisions, your subordinates will decide on what favor our division will do for you and vice versa." Unohana explained.
"If Ken-chan wins, then Uno-san will give him a kiss!" Yachiru immediately shouted out.
"WHAT?!" Kenpachi spat, nearly choking on his own saliva.
"Very well then." Unohana spoke, and then turned to Isane and Hanatarou, who were also in the room. "Have you two come with a decision yet?"
"Well, Captain…" Isane started.
"It's just that our feet get very tired, as we're tending to everyone and…" Hanatarou continued.
"I see." Unohana replied with an understanding smirk. "If I win, then Zaraki-san will give the entire Fourth Division a foot rub."
"Che…." Kenpachi scowled, not liking the idea one bit, but quickly masked it with his sadistic grin. "Doesn't matter though, since it ain't gonna happen."
"I am glad that you're confident." Unohana said. "As you'll need confidence in the battle to have even a chance against myself."
"We'll see now, won't we?" Kenpachi said as the Fourth Division walked out of the room. He then turned his head to Ikkaku and Yachiru. "Don't you two think it's about time that you let me out of these damned chains yet?"
Yachiru shrugged a little before walking over with Ikkaku and unfastening the chains. Finally free, Kenpachi stretched his arms a little before standing up.
"I'm goin' to go train for an hour." Kenpachi said. "I don't care what you two do, but stay the hell out of my way."
With that, Kenpachi left the Fourth Division headquarters. When they were sure it was safe, Ikkaku, Yachiru, Isane, and Hanatarou all turned to each other.
"I'm betting one hundred dollars on my captain winning the match." Ikkaku said.
"I wouldn't be too sure." Hanatarou said. "After all, it's true that Captain Zaraki hasn't achieved bankai yet, right?"
"You're the same person that nearly pissed his pants the first time you encountered him." Ikkaku countered.
"I didn't do that…but yeah, I was pretty scared, I guess." Hanatarou admitted. "Perhaps I should bet on him as well."
"Men…always betting on everything, aren't they?" Isane sighed.
"Yeah, I know." Yachiru said, but then turned to the men in the room with wads of cash in both of her little hands. "I'm going all in!"
"All of you are insane!" Isane groaned as she walked away from the betting table.
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An hour later, Unohana stood patiently outside the Eleventh Division headquarters. She had expected the more aggressive captain to already be waiting there. Oddly though, Kenpachi was nowhere to be found, and neither Yachiru, Ikkaku, nor Yumichika (who had since returned) knew nothing about his location either.
However, Unohana only had to wait a couple of minutes before a dust cloud seemingly appeared out of nowhere, and like a very stereotypical scene from a shonen story, Kenpachi emerged with the usual sadistic grin upon his face.
"It would appear that you are ready for combat." Unohana remarked.
"I always am." Kenpachi said. "Go ahead, make the first strike."
"No, I'm the one with a longer experience being a captain, so why don't you strike first, Zaraki-san?" Unohana responded and then slightly smiled. "Or are you afraid to hit a girl, such as myself?"
"I ain't afraid of nothin'!" Kenpachi exclaimed as he charged ahead and struck once at the female captain. The few spectators around gasped a little as Unohana looked down at the large wound across her chest, and touched a little bit of the blood before healing the entire wound within seconds.
"Would you like to try again, Zaraki-san?" Unohana asked politely.
"As I thought. You can just cheat and use your healing abilities." Kenpachi commented. "It's a good thing I've been training lately then."
"Indeed, but don't be too sure that it will ensure your victory in this battle." Unohana said. But the next word spoken caused everyone to look flabbergasted.
"Bankai!" Kenpachi called out and ripped his eye patch off. Ikkaku and Yumichika both looked at each other, as if to confirm that the other heard what their superior just said. But then everything was coated by an intense white light as Soul Society imploded.
Or rather it would have imploded if Unohana hadn't activated her Minasuki to somehow absorb the entire bankai. When the light faded out and Kenpachi saw that everything, including Unohana herself, was in perfect order, Kenpachi gave a troubled gaze.
"I pity you. I guess I should just end this now?" Unohana said with a slight smile before shifting into a more serious expression. "Bankai."
"Oh shi-" Kenpachi muttered before he passed out from the absolute energy.
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A day after the battle, Unohana had healed the injuries she caused and allowed him to rest the rest of the day before Yachiru woke him up the next day by pouncing on him.
"Go away." Kenpachi mumbled in his sleep.
"No way! You made a promise to Uno-chan that you'd give the entire Fourth Division a foot rub!" Yachiru exclaimed.
"There's no way in hell." Kenpachi grumbled.
"Don't be so grouchy, Ken-chan!" Yachiru chided. "Here, have some candy!"'
Kenpachi finally opened his eyes and saw that Yachiru was dragging around an enormous bag of candy along with her. Kenpachi silently cursed to himself, as he knew how hyper his vice captain could get when she ate large amounts of sugar.
"Where the hell did you get all that candy?" Kenpachi asked.
"From the money I won in the best, of course!" Yachiru answered.
"Wait…you bet AGAINST me?" Kenpachi scowled.
"Well yeah, everybody else put their bets on you, so I figured it would be the smart thing to bet on Uno-chan." Yachiru said with a thoughtful expression, and then put on a cheery one. "I'm glad I did now!"
"Great, now even my subordinates are against me." Kenpachi said dryly.
Kenpachi didn't get much time to bitch and moan about the situation though as Yachiru yanked on his arm, with her surprising strength, and dragged him out into another room where all the Fourth Division members were waiting. Kenpachi only scowled before kneeling down and rubbing the feet of the first Division member in line.
About an hour later after going through just about everyone (including Hanatarou, who had proven to be the most annoying as his feet were extremely ticklish), he finally reached Unohana's feet. He waited for a couple of seconds for her to slip her shoes off, but when she stood still, Kenpachi looked up.
"Take your shoes off, so I can get this over with." Kenpachi said.
"No, that won't be necessary." Unohana replied. "My feet are just fine. I was simply treating my hard-working subordinates."
"Fine with me." Kenpachi remarked as he stood up and turned to leave.
"Perhaps we can battle again sometime?" Unohana asked.
Kenpachi stopped and turned his scowl into a grin. The woman was the first ever to defeat him in combat, so naturally she had him intrigued. The answer was obvious for him.
"Of course." Kenpachi responded. "But I ain't losing a second time."
With that, Kenpachi started moving again, and Yachiru ran behind him to jump on his shoulder.
"Yeah, maybe next time you can win the kiss from Uno-chan!" Yachiru chirped. Instantly Kenpachi's grin was wiped away as he gritted his teeth and stuffed a piece of candy in her mouth to keep her quiet. Unohana only smiled as she watched the two leave her headquarters.
Even if that man was an idiot sometimes, he sure was amusing. Perhaps that was the reason why she felt so drawn to him. Or maybe it was something more. Who knows? Emotions were a strange thing that not even Retsu Unohana could understand.
But it was all a part of life that made it that much more interesting.
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Author's Comments
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To those of you going "WTF? That crazy Raine bitch is writing Kenpachi/Unohana when she's been obsessively writing GrimmHime lately? WTF man, W. T. F.?", this was written for the person who pretty much caught my 10,000th view at Deviantart. She requested a Kenpachi/Unohana humor fic, so here it is!
Coincidently, Kenpachi/Unohana is one of the pairs I ship, so I was happy to tackle the request! If you were confused by a couple of the references, they were probably references from my Worse Than Death fic (Yumichika being Gackt's manager and Yachiru coming across the Byakuya/Ulquiorra doujinshi).
Otherwise, I hope you guys enjoyed this oneshot!