April's Fools

Chapter 1: On a Showerless Day

So many of our dreams at first seem impossible, then they seem improbable, and then, when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.

- Christopher Reeve

It's been a long time since she has felt genuine sadness, an emotion she had though she had forgotten sometime between her first love and her grandmother's death. After that, everything had seemed dull, forced, as if she were constantly on stage, a rehearsed smile her mask concealing her lack of feeling.

That wasn't right though, not completely. She did love her parents, incredibly so; she had been so overjoyed when she learned that her curse did not affect them that she cried for the first time since she learned that crying and wishing hard enough for something was never quite enough to get what you want, save for in dreams.

She loved Tanpopo as well, for the same and yet different reason. Her parents, loving as they were, would never have abandoned her. They would have died, they had proclaimed after they had discovered, for the fourth time that she wasn't a victim of demonic possession, if they could be with her, make her happy. That was love, parental love, but Tanpopo had never been so bound; he could have left whenever he so chose, but he didn't and Himawari loved him all the more for it.

Or maybe he really had been bound to her; he had been born for the sole purpose of being her companion, to make her smile, after all. Maybe Tanpopo had no will of his own, his mind warped by magic to be a willing slave, a pet to a depressed girl who hadn't smiled truly for many years.

Or maybe Tanpopo was just a bird and she was over thinking things. It was all a matter of perspective after all, but she liked to believe in Watanuki, believe that Tanpopo had been born from a wish, one that Watanuki had imparted upon him, and that he - no they - were truly made happy by making her happy.

Watanuki. Every time she thought of the shopkeeper she almost couldn't stifle a wistful sigh. The girls she had tentatively become acquaintances with often teased her about having a star-crossed lover, a forbidden, epic romance, and then sigh themselves in envy.

Himawari didn't think her situation was as pleasant as the girls fantasized. It wasn't amazing to be in love with someone who she could see once a year, whose very existence in that damnable shop that woman owned hurt her so much. It was painful that he didn't love her anymore, didn't love her in that all-consuming, fits-of-passion kind of way that she had never fully appreciated when they had all been teenagers. It wasn't right that he longed for a dead woman, that he clung to the dead instead of the living, that he had shut himself up, away from those that loved him, wasting away under silk and smoke and shattered hearts.

It wasn't fair that she still loved him after all of this, but she did, and there was nothing she could do.

April first. His birthday, though he no longer aged like they did. He would probably look the same as always, as if time had washed over him like a current, barely wearing him down while it swept others away. She had changed, just like everyone else: she had gotten her hair cut short and was only now growing it out again; she had gotten laser eye surgery to finally fix that annoying nearsightedness of hers; she had finally given up her dream of being a teacher and now wasn't quite sure what to do with herself.

Doumeki had probably changed. He had to of, even if it was only a little. Perhaps he had grown again and she could tease them about their new wife-and-husband comedy routine, even though she had done that the other three times they had gathered to meet. Maybe he had switched majors too.

Maybe he had begun to stop loving Watanuki as well.

Himawari tossed the idea around in her mind as she finished packing her suitcase. The trip from Hokkaido to Tokyo was not one to go into unprepared, which she had the first time she had returned from college. What a sight she must have been that day to Doumeki and Kohane, stumbling somewhere along the edges of Shibuya, trying to remember if that woman's shop had been somewhere close by.

Doumeki...

Himawari smiled ruefully, zipping up her suitcase mindlessly. No, Doumeki would never stop loving Watanuki. Perhaps it was a fruitless, futile love destined for heartbreak, but maybe...

Well, she could pray for them, as she had for the past six years. Perhaps they would have better luck then her.

Himawari paused, her luggage placed by the door of her apartment, and looked around the place she called home. It was small, filled with textbooks, and slightly smelly, since she hadn't Tanpopo's cage when she was supposed to. Nevertheless, it was home, and she loved it as much as she could anything else; as much as she loved her parents, and Tanpopo, and Mokona, and Kohane, and Doumeki, and Watanuki.

That woman's shop… It didn't feel like a home at all. It was cold, filled with regrets and the subtle scent of death, and mysterious in a way that did not tempt the curious but instead ward away all but those lost of all hope. She wasn't sure whether it was that woman or Watanuki who had made the shop that way, but she feared that it was the latter. Or maybe it had always been that way, and she had been blind to it, too caught up in that woman's amusing drunken fits and maternal smiles and Watanuki's blustering and soft eyes; when he wasn't yelling that is.

Still, even though it scared her, angered her that it was making Watanuki into something she didn't understand anymore (she would almost say he wasn't human, but he was, he had to be) she still loved him, fruitlessly, futilely, but loved all the same. Even if the shop endangered her, she would still go for Watanuki.

Because she loved him, and there was nothing she could do.

Yay, introspection.

Seriously though, xxxHoLiC? Whenever you want to stop tugging at my heartstrings, feel free to do so. I'd like a happy ending, but… It's CLAMP, you know? The characters might, if their lucky, get 'happy' endings, but happiness is subjective, and I'm afraid us readers aren't going to get our happy ending.

Reading xxxHoLiC has become an exercise in disconsolate sadness, especially now that I'm not getting a new chapter for over two months. /Rage/

Anyway, I wanted a piece of Himawari angst in light of the most recent chapters. Every time she's mentioned, I can't help but think how the ears have changed her. Does she harbor negative feelings for Yuuko because of what happened to Watanuki (I certainly think she'd be upset, but would get over it with time)? How much is her love for Watanuki (familial or romantic? I suppose you can see my stance on that issue)? How about how she views Doumeki (tragically, much like herself) or even Watanuki (slight fear maybe? But for him or because of him?)?

Ah, the wonders of speculation. Then again, it's all I can really do for the next couple of months.

Ah well. What can you do? It's CLAMP, I'm sure they'll be back with something amazing and question-provoking when xxxHoLiC Rou recommences.

Don't forget to leave a review! …I'll write a fluffy xxxHoLiC fic if you do. Promise!

Ariaeris~

Ps: This fic was partially inspired by the fact that spell-check insists that Himawari should be Homeward, which was a veritable font or inspiration when it came to this fic