Title: Shades of Grey
Author: Hartsbound
Spoilers: S4/5
Disclaimer: No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Notes: I've always hated that tunnel-vision Clark Kent suffers from, it's always annoyed me about him, seeing things in terms of good and evil, black and white. That's why for me Lex Luthor has always made Smallville, he's a lot more abstract, hence the title of the story.
Feedback: All and any remarks are welcome.
Shades of Grey
He had always welcomed the darkness; in moments passed he had craved its safety, its absoluteness. It was the constant friend, the companion who allowed one to hide as much from themselves as everyone else.
But lately he had learned to become fearful under its influence, though the mysteries of the shadows of the night still seduced him; the darkness seemed to have taken on a life of its own. It was a living entity almost, a being with stretching, probing tendrils that had inspired something further in him of late, a new sensation, one equal to falling into a pit, a dark hole with steep sides, and every time he fell the hole got deeper until he got to the point where he thought he couldn't see the light and find the strength to climb out.
And this new sensation that had him at once fearing and confused? Guilt… he felt guilty. Lex Luthor felt…guilty. He was stood watching the firelight, it was the only source of light in the room and it cast familiar shadows across his face. The Luthors didn't feel guilty; his father had long taught him that. The end always justified the means…always. Whether it was a ruthless take over of another multi-million dollar company, or…winning the heart of the only woman he had ever loved.
His interest in Lana Lang had initially always been in lieu of his best friend Clark Kent, whatever Clark was, however noble and honourable, he was nonetheless a dolt and painfully shy when it came to women and when it came to Lana Lang in particular. He had worked so hard to push them together, but somehow the fool had always managed to screw it up. Had always managed to leave her broken hearted, his insistence on keeping his secrets and lying to her saw to that.
Lex believed he could almost pin point exactly when and where he had realised Lana meant so much more to him than just the object of Clark's affections. It was after she had returned from Paris, she had come to see him straight away and as Lex looked at her he suddenly realised he was catching his breath, Lana was beautiful! He hadn't reasoned on how much he would miss her, losing Clark's friendship after his father's trial had meant those old feelings of bitterness and isolation had returned, consequently when she had turned up at his door and embraced him in that all enveloping manner solely hers, the world, his world seemed at peace again.
But she hadn't returned alone, Jason Teague had followed her. And Lex Luthor, the brooding billionaire, the man with just about everything in the world was jealous, insanely, maddeningly and frighteningly jealous of the new man in Lana Lang's world. She hadn't broadcast their relationship, he was the high school football coach and she was still at high school, but he knew, Lex knew. He could see it, and he had seen it in the way Jason had sat looking down at her in the hospital, he had looked at her in the way Lex hoped he might be able to one day.
His jealousy had pushed him to do the only thing he could, Jason Teague was fired. Clark had asked him for the reasons behind his interference but Lex hadn't replied, it certainly wasn't because he was taking the moral high ground as Clark had suggested, Lex doubted he had enough morals not to render him dizzy if he ever got that high. No, he was tired of pushing Lana towards Clark, and tired of seeing her with someone else. He had finally realised he loved Lana Lang, and she would be his. But he had confessed for some reason, even now he couldn't fathom his reasoning behind that, but he had told Lana of the part he had played in Jason's dismissal, and consequently he had lost her.
And then there had been that mess with the stones, and she seemed further from him than ever. Even as he had avowed to protect her from Jason and then his own father, somehow he had managed to drive her yet further from himself. She thought him selfish and deceitful, and yes he had been all of those things and more, but not with her, certainly not when he had held her, comforted her and told her he would take care of her. He was sincere, then and now. But she had found her way back to Clark and he was forced to smile and be pleased for them. The façade was not difficult, as a Luthor he had long learned to hide his sentiments, to disguise his hand, what the world knew would always be what was on the surface.
Then why the guilt? Had they remained friends Lex would have been, if not pleased at least resigned to the fact that Clark had finally gotten the girl. But that friendship had fallen apart, and with an added tinge of bitterness Lex had set his plans in motion.
He had sworn Lana would be his, and had taken the Luthor mantra to heart; 'the end always justifies the means'. The means had involved subtly undermining his once best friend, Clark; and securing Lana's partnership with regards to the spaceship. They worked closely on that project and slowly Lana began to trust him again. It only served to assure him that Lana Lang was exactly the girl for him, the only girl for him. He still had sweet remembrances of that dream, in which it seemed all his prayers had been answered and he was married to her. They were the very picture of connubial felicity, with a beautiful son and a child on the way, the vision, kindly supplied by his mother had had an ethereal, luminous quality, marred only by the bitter and tragic ending. He had turned away from it then, it hurt too much, it would cost too much to see the woman he loved die. Consequently he had played dirty in the election run and he had still lost.
But Lana then was what she had always been, the comfort, the assured sense in his life. Her presence when he had suffered the indignity of losing the state election to Jonathan Kent was invaluable.
And that had been the first time he had kissed her, she had claimed to have had her last fight with Clark, and Lex had been drunk, but sober enough to know what he wanted. But she had pushed him away, confused and embarrassed. But Lex's mind was made up, he could not go a lifetime without tasting those sweet lips again, and the next time he was determined to make sure she would kiss him back.
So Lex had undermined Clark's loyalty, and planned further seeds of doubt in her mind regarding his honesty, and then Lex had even gone as far as to contract the services of Simone. She had played her part perfectly, hypnotising Clark and driving a wedge between him and Lana. But Lex had certainly not counted on the farm-boy telling Lana he no longer loved her, and breaking her heart in the process. Seeing Lana so broken and wretched brought on the first twinges of guilt for Lex, he could not have anticipated his plan working so well, and the taste of success had shown itself to not be at all sweet. Her current despair was all due to him, and she in her loneliness had turned to that loathsome serum. So far down was she that she had consented to being killed and brought back to life in order to catch a few glimpses with parents who had long been dead.
He had comforted her then, as was always the case, telling her gently that they both had to learn to let go of the past and look to the future. The guilt however, refused to leave him alone, Lex was convinced he had all but killed whatever was left of poor, misused Lana Lang.
But she had a way of surprising him, continually surprising and inspiring him in turns. When he saw Lana again, she was back to her usual self, cheerful, warm and infinitely wonderful. She seemed determined to leave the past behind, and threw herself wholeheartedly into solving the mystery that was Milton Fine.
It was strange, now as he looked back at the day's events, how indebted he was to Chloe Sullivan of all people. Her journalistic tendencies to interfere in other people's lives had led to a talk between Lana and himself, they had both tried to deny any hint of a romance but…
'Your friendship is very important to me Lex; I don't want any misunderstanding to get in the way of that.'
He had assured her there was no misunderstanding; they were on the same page, friends, close friends and nothing more. He had walked over to the fireplace, and she had followed him, laughing slightly at the absurdity of their discussion.
'Talk is nothing but a bunch of noise, as long as we both feel the same way…'
And then it happened, it was the way she had said, 'That's all that matters…' She felt it too, he knew. He caught his breath, and turned to face her. She looked directly up at him, frightened but anticipating.
He leaned in to kiss her, and closed his eyes awaiting the eager sweetness of her lips brushing against his. It was the lightest of touches and she pulled away almost immediately, leaving them both disappointed.
He could not disguise the hurt tone in his voice, as she turned away from him, 'It's just something that happened…' He wanted to say so much more. But she refused to look at him. When at last he despaired of her ever say anything, she turned back to him suddenly and placing her hands on either side of his face, pulled herself up to kiss him again. It was more than a brush this time; it was a thorough exploration of skin, hands, lips and tongues. The passion and intensity rendered him smilingly breathless, and before he could pull her yet closer, she broke away and ran out of the room.
And now he was stood in front of the fireplace, trying to fathom the depth of this guilt. It came in swathes now, and slowly he had come to realise why. When she had kissed him, Lex knew just how much and how far he loved her, but looking into Lana Lang's eyes, it suddenly dawned on him, that God help her she was falling in love with him as well.