Gretel and Hansel

Once upon a time there lived a very poor housewife in a tiny cottage in the forest with her two teenage children, Hansel and Gretel. Her husband was a useless drunkard, and spent majority of the monthly social welfare that they received on alcohol and drugs.

When he was not in one of his highs, he would often nag at his wife to abandon their children in the forest, so that they might not starve. "There is not enough food in the house for us all. There are too many mouths to feed! We must get rid of the two brats," he declared. And the wife would simply shake her head at this nonsense and get back to managing the household like a responsible, independent woman.

However, there came a day where the wife had to leave the home in order to obtain some means of income, lest the family run out of food. Her husband, upon seeing his chance to get rid of his burden, grabbed the two teenagers by their arms and forced them to walk at great length into the forest, whereupon he left them there to starve.

However, Gretel had overheard her father's devious plans long before he implemented them, and being the resourceful young lady that she was, had thought to bring along in her pockets a map of the surrounding area as well as some basic survival equipment. She then forged through the forest and made it safely back home, with her brother in tow. The wife rejoiced that night, for her two children had not only returned home safely but she had also found a permanent job with stable income and could now perfectly well support the household by herself. The husband, however, gritted his teeth in frustration and vowed to get rid of the children the very next day.

When dawn came, the husband sneaked out of his bed and tied the two children up. He then deposited both of them deep in the forest, confident that they would not make it back home this time. Gretel patiently waited until her father was out of sight, then utilized one of the seven rope-escape techniques she had learned from the book, "Seven Rope-Escape Techniques Every Fair Lady Should Know in case Her Husband Ties Her Up and Abandons Her in the Woods like the Unfaithful Idiot that He Is". She then proceeded to free her struggling brother from his bonds.

Once they had fully recovered their senses, they realized that this area of the forest was a portion unknown to them, and before he left them their father had made sure to remove Gretel's survival kit from her pocket. However, Gretel was unfazed and was excited at the prospect of adventure and exploring her newfound possibilities, having been freed from the prejudices of dominant male stereotyping. She skipped lightly through the forest, marveling at its sights and sounds while her clumsy brother lumbered behind her.

Not long after, they came upon a strange cottage in the middle of a glade. Gretel was cautious and did not approach too close; her brother however walked right up to the cottage and after sniffing it, broke off a piece of the windowsill and ate it. He grinned delightedly. "This gingerbread is delicious!" he exclaimed, before the sleeping powder in the bread took effect and he dropped like a sack of bricks. The front door then opened and a wizard stepped out. Before Gretel could do anything he seized Hansel triumphantly and cried "At last! A person stupid enough to eat my drugged gingerbread!" and upon saying so threw him into a cage and locked it.

Gretel was furious with the wizard, and her honor demanded that she avenge her brother immediately by choking the life from the wizard's body. "Oh no, you don't!" said the wizard craftily. "I can kill your brother in his cage with a snap of my fingers, and because I am male and you are a lowly female, you have to listen to me!" This speech, if anything, only served to make Gretel angrier but she held her tongue and kept her temper in check, for she was a respectable young lady of high virtue.

She pretended to give in to the wizard and, curtsying slowly, enquired how she might be of use. "Hmm… since the only thing women are good at is housekeeping, you can start by cleaning the entire house!" the wizard sneered at her. Gretel could not take his chauvinist remarks any longer and as the wizard turned his back, she seized the opportunity, drew the dagger concealed in her sleeve all this time and struck at him. "You sexist pig! How dare you assume that all women are supposed to be passive in the house? You shall see that all women deserve the right to their own dignity and honor."

The wizard was enraged and immediately commenced in a furious battle with Gretel. The two attacked one another with such force that part of the house was destroyed, leaving them fighting in the open. The two seemed evenly matched at first, but Gretel's agile female body bestowed upon her the advantage, for she tired less quickly. Eventually the wizard was brought down with a reverse roundhouse kick and dealt a fatal blow by Gretel.

"Alas, how sad it is that I have been brought down by a woman; a female no less!" the wizard lamented with his dying breath. "And as you fade away from this world, let it be known that you have paid dearly with your blood for humiliating me and violating my private space" said Gretel coldly as she promptly beheaded him.

Gretel then proceeded to search the house of the recently deceased wizard for any valuables that might be of use. Once she had filled a sack to the brim with gold and jewels of every color, she then remembered that her brother was still in his cage and freed him. He tumbled out, frowned and said to her "Why did you not let me deal with this situation? I deem that girls should be passive and they should let men lead the way rightfully, for I believe that I can solve anything using my masculinity!" Upon saying this he flexed his biceps and was duly rewarded with a cramp for doing so. Gretel sighed and thought "Men, always stuck in their own little chauvinistic world."

At last, Gretel filled up a basket with food and together with her brother set out for their home, relying upon Gretel's excellent sense of direction and bearing to navigate through the forest. When they finally reached their house their mother ran out to greet them, weeping with joy. "Fear no more my children, for your lousy father is dead. I strangled him with my apron when I could stand no more of his bigoted remarks. Come home with me now, my dear children!" And they lived happily ever after on the riches taken from the dead wizard's house.

The End

Moral of this story: Never, ever underestimate a hardcore bitch with a sleeve dagger.