.
He opened his eyes; his surroundings were dark, and silent. In the perpetual gloom, he could make out a poster tacked on the wall opposite him: BUY SMART, WITH EISUKE GROCERIES (Found in a Nami-chuu location near you!). A cartoon effigy of a man winked and smiled below, as if agreeing with the tacky slogan—the ink was starting to wear off from the paper, and half of the man's right ear had been replaced with a dull grey blotch.
Below the poster lied a small pile of discarded cigarettes, a tarry substance smeared over the end that reeked of petroleum oil and nicotine. He was sitting close enough that he could read the labels on each wrapper, in faded English: Vongole Incorporate CLASS A CIGARETTE. The words seemed eerily familiar, although he could not remember why, or how.
He tried to move closer to the other side of the wall to study the cigarettes closer, but his clothes felt sticky, and uncomfortably warm. He grabbed at his jacket to take it off, frowning when his hand met with something wet. It was too dim to see anything clearly, although he could make out the liquid was dark and thick. Gasoline, perhaps, or even—
"That's a lot of blood you've lost there," someone commented lightheartedly, from above him.
He looked up in panic, scrambling back against the wall behind him; it was old brick, and the stone cut into his back painfully, but he was too terrified to care. The other man—woman?—ambled leisurely closer, their figure enclosed within the shadows, although it was obvious to him that they were smiling.
"Who—who are you?" he asked, his breathing rapidly increasing.
The person crouched down slightly, as if they were examining something particularly interesting. He froze, not quite daring to move, but they only chuckled, bringing one hand to gently rest on his cheek.
"Shh... just close your eyes."
.
.
.
bronze sun vaulting in
1
a lucid dream, or perhaps reality
.
"Tenth!" Hayato yelled, and Tsuna woke up.
He was sprawled over on his desk, a small puddle of drool staining an important document that would orchestrate a vital trade agreement with some bigshot yakuza gang in Tokyo. Hayato's fingers were clenched tightly around his shoulders, pressing down with such force that Tsuna was sure there'd be bruises there for weeks afterwards.
"Tenth!" Hayato yelled again, more urgently this time. His grip increased, sending sharp sparks of pain shooting through Tsuna's mind.
"I'm awake, I'm awake," Tsuna said, trying to clear his head as he patted lightly at one of the arms still holding onto his shoulder. Hayato flushed, pulling his arms away, although there was a faint throbbing remaining afterwards.
Tsuna faintly wondered how long he'd been asleep for Hayato to be so worried, and then realized that he would rather not find out. Going by his friend's expression, it had been a while.
"Sorry," Tsuna offered sheepishly, slowly trying to stand up, although his head was still too fuzzy for him to think straight. Coffee. That was exactly what he needed right now. "It's been a rough few days. I'll try not to slack off anymore."
He bit hesitantly at his lip, staring at the mountain of paperwork that threatened to engulf him entirely. Reborn had given—i.e. threatened at gunpoint—him a week's time to finish it, although it looked just as imposing as it had when he first started.
Hayato opened his mouth, closed it, and then opened it again. "That's not—that's not the problem, Tenth," he said, and his voice was gentler than Tsuna ever remembered it to be. It was a weird thought, enough to warrant a strange look to Hayato, although his right hand man seemed undeterred.
"Problem?" Tsuna asked, confused. Had something happened when he was asleep?
Hayato sucked in a breath. "Did you have a nightmare?"
Tsuna thought back to his dream, although it had already turned into a blurry set of images and was slowly fading from memory. "Y—yeah, I think it was a nightmare. I've been having them for a while, but it's probably just stress from after the Ring Battles."
Hayato looked slightly askance. "Actually, Tenth..."
Tsuna turned to him, expectant.
"You... well, you woke up screaming," Hayato said, his tone gentle, although his face looked like someone who had sat front row to a heavy death metal rock band and was now suffering permanent hearing deficiencies.
"Screaming?" Tsuna repeated dumbly. His hand went to his throat, but there wasn't any raw soreness in the area.
Hayato's expression became even more uncomfortable, something Tsuna hadn't even known was possible. "You were screaming earlier, about, well," and here he paused awkwardly, as if he was afraid to continue.
"Well?" Tsuna prompted.
What was I so afraid of?
"Well," Hayato echoed. He wetted his lips. "You said you couldn't breathe, like someone was choking you."
"I don't—I don't remember that happening," Tsuna said, trying to put a smile on his face. Going by Hayato's expression, it was a pathetic attempt, and Tsuna couldn't really blame him for that. "Yeah, it must have been another nightmare. I think this was the first time I screamed, though."
"Boss, you were saying things like," Hayato hesitated for a brief moment, "like how you couldn't save them. Are you—are you still dreaming about Kawahira?"
Tsuna froze. Gokudera capitalized in his reaction, worriedly hovering closer.
"It's," Tsuna said, trying to think of something to say. "I mean, it was hard to forget him, right?" He wasn't lying: the first few dreams had been about Checker-Face coming back and reneging on his agreements. The ones afterwards, however...
"You have to forget about him, Tenth, it's clearly affecting you," Gokudera said, eyes concerned. He gingerly inched closer again, and set a hand on Tsuna's shoulder, who did his best not to flinch. "You'll be succeeding the Vongola in a few years, there's already enough on your plate."
Tsuna's breathing stilled, and suddenly something was clawing his mind, screaming for release.
vongola vongola those traitors why they killed her they killed her
Something was creeping at the edge of his mind, almost unnoticeable. He felt its presence imperceptibly, whispering against his skull.
why is he here wake up wake up oh god it's not a dream he's going to kill
"Shut up!" Tsuna shouted, enough to shock even himself with how severe he sounded. Hayato flinched away, a hurt expression on his face, although Tsuna could only see flashes of a bloody alleyway and oh God, he was going to die, wasn't he (he was so young no his Guardians his brothers don't hurt them don't hurt them no stop no no no)?
have to fight back kill him before he kills me no stop lambo needs his brother
"Te—mmgh—th!"
He blinked, and the alleyway was gone. He was in his office, the dull hum of the air conditioner in the background, and his friend was looking at him like he had slapped him in the face, except instead Tsuna was choking him and when had he gotten out of the chair?
Tsuna released his hands in shock, and Hayato dropped to the floor, wheezing slightly. There was fear in his eyes, and somehow the inside of Tsuna's psyche was screaming because he had just hurt Hayato, oh god, he had been choking his friend—
"No, no, no, no," Tsuna whispered, staring at his hands (except they weren't his hands, because his hands would never touch a single hair on Hayato's head). "No."
"T...tenth?"
"No, Hayato, I didn't mean that," Tsuna said, rushed, but his words seemed to fall flat. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened, I promise I would never hurt you on purpose. It's—", he paused lamely, searching for an excuse, any excuse, "—probably just a lot of stress. It'll, get better soon. It's just a nightmare. I get them all the time. I think... please don't hate me." He ended his spiel with a pathetic whisper, almost too afraid too look up.
What was wrong with him today? It had been just a dream, and suddenly he was out attacking allies with that same detached feeling he had when he was in Hyper Dying Will Mode.
Just a dream.
kill them kill kill vongola they killed her my beloved he's one of them
Hayato seemed to relax a little bit at the apology, although a resolute determination soon replaced the consolidated expression. "I think," his friend said, with a pause, "I should tell Reborn you need a break."
To Tsuna's complete and utter surprise, demon-willed Reborn relented.
"Go back to Namimori for the next six weeks," his (ex?)-tutor said, not bothering to look up when Tsuna crept timidly into his office. "Take some of your guardians with you and go visit Maman. Talk to that girlfriend of yours. Soak in the hot springs. We can't have the Decimo end up crazier than that Mist Guardian of yours."
Tsuna bristled first at the allusion of Kyoko as his girlfriend, and then the comparison to the Mukuro, of all people. He wasn't going crazy, and he didn't need the break.
"I still have so much paperwork to do," he said, imaging the infinite piles of paper on his desk; knowing Reborn, there'd be impossibly more after his so-called 'break'. "It's selfish to endanger Okaa-san or Kyoko-chan like that." Pause. "And it was just a nightmare. It must have been the shock from it that made me..."—choke Hayato—"...react like that."
It was all excuses, he knew, and Reborn finally looked up and gave him a deadpan expression that told exactly how unimpressed the older man was feeling.
"Since when has Dame-Tsuna asked for more paperwork?" Reborn said lazily, lounging against the desk chair. He was tall enough now that his shoulders were parallel to the top of the chair, making the scene even more intimidating.
So much for helping him with the Tri-ni-set, Tsuna thought bitterly.
Reborn snorted, as if reading Tsuna's mind. "You're acting like I'm forcing you to take a break." He kicked his feet up over the desk, exposing his impeccably-as-ever polished black dress shoes. "Isn't this what you've been begging me for for the past few months?"
"It's—it's not that," Tsuna said, slowly. "Look, I think Hayato's overreacting a little bit regarding my mental health. I just had a nightmare, that's it. It's not serious or anything. I'm not—I'm not going crazy, okay? I barely even remember what happened in it. It won't happen again."
"I'm sure screaming your lungs out and trying to choke your right-hand-man doesn't constitute as crazy." God, had Reborn gotten snarkier since the last time they talked? Was that even possible?
"I'm not crazy," Tsuna repeated, almost mechanically. "I don't know what Hayato told you, but he's wrong. Everyone has nightmares sometimes."
Reborn looked at him and frowned, dark black eyes burrowing into his mind. "This isn't about you going crazy, Dame-Tsuna."
Then what is it? Tsuna screamed internally.
"You should try and patch things up with Smoking Bomb. He's too important a resource for the Vongola for you to squander like that," Reborn said. As if he was reading Tsuna's mind again, he said, "And don't worry too much about things that don't involve you." He flung his hand, like dismissing a dog. "Now get out of my office."
"It has everything to do with me!" Tsuna said, slamming his hands onto Reborn's desk, half-exasperated, half-desperate. "Aren't you basically saying that I'm going crazy because I was in a state of shock after a nightmare and now you can't even trust me staying near the Vongola, let alone lead it?"
Bang.
Reborn blew the gunpowder residue off his gun, which shifted back to Leon a second later, crawling underneath Reborn's hat and out of sight. Slowly, meaningfully, he stared dangerously at Tsuna, who eyed the still-smoking bullet hole behind him with trepidation.
"Didn't I tell you to get out?"
Tsuna clenched his fists tightly, cheeks burning with the humiliation of being wronged. He would take the break, yes, and he would show everybody, especially his over-concerned guardians, that he was perfectly fine and there was nothing going with his head, that he wasn't crazy.
Just as he reached the door, Reborn's voice trailed lazily from behind, and Tsuna stilled, his hand half-gripping the doorknob.
"Giotto had nightmares too," his tutor said, and he sounded serious for the first time in the conversation. "There was a reason Ricardo was able to wrest control from him so easily, considering their power disparity at the time. It was no coincidence as well that Giotto escaped to Japan, of all places."
There was an awkward pause in which none of them spoke.
"Don't bother coming back until the six weeks are over," Reborn said finally. Tsuna bit his bottom lip angrily, and stormed out the door.
"Japan?" Mukuro muttered. He sounded doubtful. "I thought we came here to escape that wretched place."
"Please, Mukuro-sama," Chrome whispered, "it is imperative to Boss's health that we travel with him. Hayato-kun says that his nightmares have been affecting his ability to function in real life, and as Mist Users, we are best suited to serve him."
Mukuro made an annoyed sound under his breath. "Wouldn't it be better if I were to simply take control of his body? That way, everybody gets what they want, and no one loses."
"Reborn-san would be displeased," Chrome said. "He mentioned that Boss's health has to be maintained properly in order for him to successfully lead the Vongola long-term. You know what your possession does to people's bodies..."
Tsuna didn't know whether to laugh or cry as he listened to his two Mist guardians whispering to each other outside of his office, unaware that he could catch every word that they said. Chrome's concern over his health was sweet and all, but the fact that Mukuro even considered taking over his body meant that the older boy was questioning Tsuna's ability to properly lead the Vongola.
So. Both his Mist guardians thought that he was going off the deep end. Absolutely wonderful.
"Ah, but it wouldn't hurt to try," Mukuro said, and Tsuna shuddered instinctively. "Imagine all the power you could have, as Vongola Decimo. Ara~, it's so tempting as a Guardian; so close to the forbidden fruit, and yet so far."
"Mukuro-sama, please remember how much Boss has helped us," Chrome implored, and Tsuna really didn't deserve her as his guardian, did he. She was an absolute saint.
"Kufufufu~ of course, my dear Chrome, but it doesn't hurt to imagine."
Tsuna placed his head in his hands. He didn't deserve this, or—he did. Mukuro was probably atonement for every single mistake he had ever made, and Chrome was there simply because the heavens pitied him and no one should ever be stuck alone with Mukuro, god forbid.
The sound of footsteps signified that both of his Guardians were leaving the hallway, and his thoughts gradually drifted back to going back to Japan. He'd followed the unfortunate path his old man had taken and was now trying to return home as little as necessary, both out of a dislike of involving innocent civilians in danger and the aforementioned guilt of leaving his family and friends behind. It'd been two, three months since he'd last seen his mother, and there was a slight pang in his heart when he realized that he hadn't thought of her for a while.
Was this what that lazy, no-good bum felt all the time?
No, he wasn't like his father. He actually cared about the well-being of his mother and Kyoko and Haru and the others, and it wasn't like he completely cut them out of his life. There was the occasional letter, and he emailed Kyoko sometimes, and, and—
The voice in his head was back, whispering: who are you kidding you're exactly like him those dirty vongola bastards you coward
Tsuna closed his eyes, counted to ten, and by the time he finished, there was silence in his head.
.