Summary: Every time they are together, it feels like home. Just a little moment between Bianca and Marissa after they made love for the first time.
A/N: This is one of my favorite songs ever and a couple of days ago I stumbled across a Minx music video to it and it kind of inspired me to write this story, or at least write it in this particular shape and form, because I think it had been sitting inside my head for a while before that.
And even though the song and the lyrics are sort of what inspired me, you can read the story without the lyrics and you should be OK :) I hope you enjoy!
Feels Like Home
Marissa opened her eyes slowly, a little surprised that darkness still surrounded her and there were no rays of sun trying to break into the room. She had no idea what time it was, but she figured it had to be in the middle of the night. Middle of the night she was spending with Bianca. She was spending the night in Bianca and Bianca was now lying in her bed, breathing steadily, her hand on Marissa's hip and her hair covering almost half of her face.
Marissa smiled to herself at the feel of the gentle weight of Bianca's hand on her hip. Even such a simple touch could elicit indescribable emotions in her. She felt happiness, elation, serenity, exhilaration all at the same time. And she could never fully comprehend it, but she was done trying to grasp the extent of Bianca's hold on her. She just knew she loved it and she wanted to feel it for the rest of her life. And not that she had any doubts before, but after what had just happened between them, Marissa just couldn't imagine anything ever feeling that fulfilling. And it certainly wasn't just about sex, although she still blushed when the memories came to her, but more about the way Bianca would look at her. Amazement, love, passion, affection… No one had ever looked at her that way before, and she was sure no one ever could. Only Bianca could make her feel like this – loved, protected, self-confident , convinced that everything was going to work itself out, happy. Happiness, that's what Marissa had ever wanted and she finally found it. Real, true, happiness that not long ago she wasn't so sure was in the cards for her. But Bianca convinced her otherwise, and she knew she was never going to let that go. She and Bianca were meant to be together and it was as simple as that. The rest was just going to have to work itself out.
Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life
Marissa closed her eyes trying to fall back asleep, but after ten minutes she realized that sleep just wasn't going to come. She was too excited and too many thoughts were running inside her head. So instead of going back to sleep, she slipped out of bed, careful not to wake Bianca up, and after pacing around the room a couple of times, she decided to sit down and just relax in the serenity of the room. She contemplated going back to bed, but considering she had so much trouble falling asleep, she didn't want to disturb Bianca who looked so peaceful. And so freakishly stunning. She absolutely took Marissa's breath away, in a way that no one had ever been able to. Sometimes she would forget it, but when she would look at Bianca, really look at her, she had to take a few seconds to make sure her heart would be OK.
A while later Marissa noticed that Bianca was beginning to stir and she smiled to herself at how adorable the blonde looked just moments before waking up. And she felt a little creepy just watching Bianca like that, but she just couldn't look away, she couldn't stop admiring Bianca's delicate features, her beautiful eyes, her mouth that tasted oh so sweet… Everything about Bianca was simply intoxicating and Marissa never wanted that feeling to go away.
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
Bianca's eyes were still half-closed when she noticed that Marissa was no longer in bed with her. For a second she thought that maybe what had happened between them had only been a dream, but when she saw Marissa sitting in the chair, she realized that it really had happened. Although Marissa just sitting there and not lying in bed with her invoked certain uneasiness in Bianca. Why did Marissa leave the bed? Was she having regrets about what happened? Was it not what Marissa had expected? Did Bianca did anything wrong? Her mind was suddenly a whirlwind of emotions and uncertainty and as much as she tried to push those negative feelings out of her mind, she just couldn't. She was so afraid, for her sake and for Marissa's. For Marissa, because she couldn't stand the thought of hurting the other woman in any way, and for herself because she couldn't stand the thought that Marissa didn't feel the way she did about what happened. It terrified her that maybe it didn't mean as much to Marissa or that Marissa just got it out of her system and she was going to be back to being "normal".
And Bianca almost hated herself for thinking those thoughts, for doubting Marissa like that, because deep down she knew it was unfair. It angered her that she felt that way, because the last thing she wanted was to distrust Marissa, but she couldn't help the way she felt.
"Marissa?" Bianca finally spoke, her voice barely a whisper, but loud enough to make Marissa jump a little in her chair. Bianca was now sitting on the bed looking at Marissa intently.
"Hi." A smile spread across Marissa's face as she looked into her lover's sleepy eyes. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. I just couldn't sleep."
"It's fine, I don't think you're the one who woke me up." Bianca replied and for a moment looked at Marissa wondering if she should even bring up her doubts. Maybe it was just all in her head and there was no need to bother Marissa. But then again if they couldn't be honest with each other about how they really felt, what was the point of all this. "Is everything OK?" She finally asked, dreading the answer. Because whatever the answer was, Bianca knew that Marissa would never lie to her and if there was anything wrong, she would tell her.
"Why wouldn't it be?" Marissa replied with a question, not sure where Bianca was going with this. And why would Bianca even have to ask that after what happened between them?
"I don't know, you tell me. You're the one sitting in a chair after we made love, so is there any particular reason for that? 'Because if I make you uncomfortable, in any way, I can leave…"
"Wait! What? What the hell are you talking about?" Marissa was puzzled and she couldn't quite understand what Bianca was asking and it took her a moment to realize what Bianca was actually implying. And Marissa felt like hitting her on the head with a brick for thinking what she was afraid Bianca was thinking. "Bianca?" Marissa looked at the brunette meaningfully, getting up from her chair and sitting on the bed, expecting some sort of an explanation before she went looking for that brick.
"OK, I'm sorry, I know it's stupid, I know that… It's just…"
"It's just what?" Marissa asked and she was not going to let it go. Bianca was going to tell her what the heck was going in that pretty head of hers.
"It's just that when I saw you in that chair I felt like maybe you were there because you couldn't stand to be in bed with me. That maybe you regretted what happened or now that you know what it was all about…"
"What it was all about?"Marissa could not believe she was hearing this. She was fuming and hurt that Bianca didn't know any better. "So you think this was me crossing off sleeping with a woman off my bucket list or something? And now that I have I can move on? I cannot believe you!" Marissa shook her head in disbelief and looked at Bianca with so much hurt in her eyes that Bianca just wanted to find a rock and crawl under it. Marissa was right. Bianca could not even believe herself that she would say anything like that, or even think it. After everything that they had been through together, how could she not know what was in Marissa's heart?
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
Marissa didn't know whether to shake the crap out of Bianca or hug her. And she felt guilty that she hadn't been able to convince Bianca how sure she was of her feelings, but at the same time she didn't know what else she could have done.
She finally moved closer to Bianca and took the brunette's face in her hands.
"I need you to look at me." She almost ordered, making Bianca look deep into her eyes. "Did I not make it clear earlier when I told you that this is where I belong?"
"You did." Bianca answered, still wishing she was dead for making Marissa feel the way Bianca was sure Marissa was feeling now. Because Bianca could see in her eyes that she Marissa terrified that she had done something to make Bianca doubt her. And the last thing she wanted was for Marissa to feel like she'd done something wrong when all she did was love her. And Bianca knew that , she knew, which was why she was so angry at herself for letting her past insecurities get to her.
"And could you not tell how I feel about you when we were making love? Because if you couldn't then damn it I must be doing something wrong."
"No, look, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry… Please forget I ever said anything, please forgive me."
"It's not about whether I forgive you or not. It's about you having those feelings in the first place. Bianca, I don't know what else I can do to convince you how in love I am with you. And if you don't know that by now…"
"I know that." Bianca cut her short. "I do. When you look at me, like the way you're looking at me now, I can feel it. I really can." She smiled trying to reassure Marissa.
"Then why?"
"I don't know." Bianca sighed, trying to gather her thoughts to explain to Marissa as best as she could why sometimes she would doubt what others felt for her. "I guess after Maggie and Reese it's hard for me to believe that someone would ever care about me the way you do. And every time I feel this amount of happiness, those voices in the back of my mind keep bugging me and bugging me, making me look for things that are not there, making me doubt that we have is real."
A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light
"It is real, Bianca." Marissa smiled. "It's as real as it can get. And do you think it was easy for me to trust anybody after JR? I was sure I was never going to be able to do that, but then you came along and you make it so easy to trust you. And every time I look at you, I know that you would never hurt me. And I just hope that when you look at me, you see someone who would do anything in their power to make you happy and to protect you. I mean our lives are kind of a mess right now, people are coming back from the dead, JR is acting out, but what keeps me sane in all of this is knowing that you're by my side. That we're in this together." Marissa held her breath for a moment and looked at Bianca intently. "Aren't we?"
"Of course." Bianca reassured her as a big smile spread across her face. "I'm sorry I freaked out. I really didn't mean to…"
"I know." Marissa cut Bianca short by placing her finger on Bianca's lips. "I really do." She could feel Bianca shiver at her touch. "But if you ever, for one second, doubt my feelings for you, I will personally kick your ass. And don't think for one second that I wouldn't."
"Oh I have no doubt that you would."
"Oh it's a good thing you at least trust my butt kicking abilities." Marissa laughed playfully and Bianca couldn't help but laugh as well.
"I've seen what you can do to a hotel room." Bianca pointed out with a grin. "I wouldn't wanna get on your bad side."
"Well then don't." Marissa smiled as she leaned in for a kiss and Bianca was more than happy to oblige. And when Marissa's lips touched hers, she remembered what it felt like to be making love to Marissa , what it felt like to look into Marissa's eyes and feel so completely loved and adored. Bianca didn't really understand how or why or when, but she knew that Marissa had become her lifeline and she was never going to let her go.
"I'm such an idiot." Bianca sighed when they broke apart and she noticed Marissa's piercing eyes on her.
"Yes you are." Marissa agreed with a small laugh. "But I still adore you." Marissa stole one more kiss from Bianca before nestling comfortably into the brunette's arms.
For a moment they just laid their enjoying the warmth emanating from their bodies and the silence that somehow seemed to be saying so much. They knew they could both get used to this.
Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much
"How did this happen?" Bianca suddenly asked, amazed and almost scared at how happy and content she was feeling.
"How did what happen?"
"This. Us being here like this." Bianca explained. "I just don't know how we got here. I mean I tried so hard not to fall for you, but it just seemed that the more I tried, the more I kept falling and it scared me. Because I was still dealing with Reese and the divorce settlement and the last thing I expected was to feel what I feel for you."
"Well if you didn't expect it then what am I supposed to say?" Marissa laughed. "And to answer your question, I don't know how we got here. And I don't really care. I don't know if this was the universe or a combination of what we have been through and experienced together… But I do know that when I told you that I belonged here, I meant it." Marissa turned her head, so that she was now facing Bianca again. "I belong with you. And every time I wake up, I wanna feel the way I felt tonight when I felt your hand on me and I heard you breathe."
"Really?" Bianca's heart skipped a bit at Marissa's admission. God how amazing it felt to be holding Marissa in her arms, hear all the wonderful things she was saying and know that she finally found her place in the world. It was with Marissa.
"Yes, really." Marissa promised resting her head on Bianca's shoulder. And as she did, she realized that things were finally getting back on track for her. She still had JR to worry about, and God knows he was capable of anything, but she knew that somehow it would all be OK. Because her and Bianca were a team now, and together they were capable of facing anything, absolutely anything.
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong