Heya! This was a little something that I thought of after updating my own CV last night. It's just a little bit of randomness as a break from all the romantic and angsty fics that are plaguing me lately. Each profile will be as short and sweet in template as this one. This series will therefore be the only fic that I can update whilst I'm trying to settle into University life in Cardiff. Enjoy! x

Disclaimer: The series is most definitely the property of the BBC, Russell T Davies, and Starz. Personally, I think the fans should write the show instead. x

By Decree of (Her Imperial Majesty Queen Victoria Regina - Deceased) (Ms Yvonne Hartman - Deceased) Captain Jack Harkness, all Torchwood Institute employees are bound by lawful contract to submit a full and detailed personal profile for analysis. This is mandatory and must be updated upon a regular basis. At the Director's discretion, a more detailed report will be forcibly submitted if concerns arise. Failure to comply will result in appropriate discipline before ejection from the Institute.

Name: Captain Jack Harkness. Emphasis on the Captain. Don't ask questions.

Species: Human, mostly. I think there may be Catkind and Judoon in there somewhere. At least my ancestors didn't get round to the Daleks – I only know one person who would want to have sex with a Dalek, and he's an ex-boyfriend.

Gender: Male. Give me a few millennia before I have the op.

Sexual Orientation: N/A

Date of Birth: XXXXXXXXXXXXX (It's rude to ask me my age.)

Relationship Status: Depends who you ask. On some planets I'm married to members of two warring species from back when I was mortal; now that was interesting! Or there was the time when….no, I'd probably better not put that – currently being glared at for taking too long editing this bit. I'm sure that one counts too, but there is a risk of Ianto reading this so let's just say that I'm with someone. Happy, Ianto? Perhaps I'd better confirm that. I'll finish this later.

Torchwood Employment History: Right, back to business then; Ianto will start making more unreasonable threats if I don't. In the late 1800s I was accosted by some PMSing lesbians in Cardiff who proceeded to blackmail me into joining. Once I was a freelance field agent, I discovered that Emily and Alice never actually stopped PMSing, although they did in fact have a torture kink. The next hundred years could fill several pages, and I don't want the paperwork.

Current Role Within The Institute: In short, I'm the boss. I run the place, I hire the people, and I catch the bad guys with said people. I can't remember what else I'm officially supposed to do as director – the manual went in the rubbish bin with the harassment folder. Whilst I'm in charge, we do things my way.

Special Skills: I can use a hell of a lot of weapons and drive/fly anything, but at the moment I stick to my Webley pistol and the SUV. The others refuse to let me play with much else and I can't be bothered to sit through hours of the 'just because you can't die doesn't mean we're immortal too' lecture. In spite of this, I am pretty good at what I do.

Useful Contacts: UNIT, Home Office, MI5, Prime Minister, and every bureaucrat under the Sun (and some under different stars). I hate the lot of them, so technically they're Ianto's contacts. He's better at fielding the calls than I am, and I can't be bothered most of the time.

Next of Kin: The Doctor/Martha Jones.

Lover or Fighter? : Can't I be both?

Live or Die? : How can I have a choice on that one…?

Interests: Sex, if Ianto's offering; naked hide and seek, if anyone is offering; Glenn Miller; Torchwood; my team.

Additional Notes: That's my years' worth of paperwork done now, so hopefully Ianto will stop withholding sex. No doubt he'll do the same thing in a year's time, or force me to do this 'properly', but until then I think I'll send everyone else home early…

Last Edited Nov 2008.

Let me know if you like it – next up is Gwen! Reviews are adored. MC. x