My heart was beating faster than my lungs could fill.
I sat up quickly, realizing the realm I had entered. I must have slipped into the subconscious with out realizing it, and already into the paradoxical zone none the less. This was the depth of psychological sleep needed in order for dreaming, and in this case lucid dreaming, seeing that I had already realized it.
Out of habit, I looked immediately to the sky. The symbol I trusted to clue me in as to whether I was indeed dreaming, or had simply fallen from the sky into a parallel universe. Who said it couldn't happen?
But I had never done this before. Never unintentionally found myself in this place. And for the first time, I didn't know what to do.
After some time of thinking in circles, I remembered. About that night, about the things I had heard, and unfortunately, about the iceberg.
I wasn't asleep, I was unconscious. Physically unconscious.
Which wasn't to say that I didn't try to awake, I most certainly did. For my biggest fear had always been the inability to simply wake up, to be trapped in my own mind for eternity.
The only difference was, I had never even had to go so far as to say it. To tell myself to open my eyes. Just thinking it had always been enough. But not this time.
"Wake up." I said once, twice, louder, while jumping up and down. It was no use. As surprising as it was, I had actually forced myself to dream. Against my own will.
I was in mud. Wet and deep red mud, and it had already covered most of my body.
I was in the clearing in the woods, I could see overgrown aspen in the distance. And I was almost to the cliffs, right where the glacier was melting around me. Write where I probably lay right now. Only colder, and hurt.
I checked over my body for any signs of serious injury. But of course there were none. Only large splotches of red mud, and a glob of it dripping from a spot on the side of my head.
Had I really hit my head? Did I have a concussion? How serious was this?
I stood up quickly, scowling. None of this was my fault.
But I didn't have a clue what to do with myself. And I was too disgusted to even consider thinking about what my brothers had said.
They were lying. I was sure of it know.
"They're lying." I repeated to myself, throwing clumps of mud from my body. But each time I brushed some off, more of it showed right back up again.
"Liars! Always lying. I don't want to be here!" I screamed. Partially to myself, maybe to anyone who would listen. To nobody. Why couldn't I wake up?
And who wouldn't cry? Well, I did. I cried. Really, I cried. Even though in doing so I was breaking the one law I had avoided so carefully. The sole law that made my dreams such a safe heaven. That they were reserved for happiness only, and the absence of it confused me. Frightened me.
"Just come find me already! " I yelled, stomping my foot in the mud and losing a shoe. How could I be forgotten so easily?
I began to shiver, suddenly the air was cold.
"I give up!" I cried. But, what was I giving up?
"Wait!" I yelled, looking at the stars above me. Why were they so far away? I had never felt so alone.
Something was weighing me down, squeezing me. It was the mud. Covering my whole body now, under my fingernails and in my ears. Like water, smothering me and drowning me.
Or, was I dieing? I couldn't remember. Was I in hell?
As I began to sink deeper into the cold and chalky clay, I could only close my eyes and try to forget.