Jacob Black has come to hate his life. He remembers a day when he was sixteen, when he'd told Bella Swan that he would probably still love her even after her heart stopped beating. Then he thinks back to when he was twenty and the (now dead) girl that had owned his heart for what seemed like forever had broken the treaty and come to his house to say she that she'd realized her mistake and was so happy he had told her that he would still love her, even in this awful form. He remembers smiling brightly at her and kissing her (now cold) lips, completely forgetting the "probably" that was once tacked on to that sentence. Back then he had figured he would just phase forever, fight the urge to kill his mate and they would live a happy life – or existence in Bella's case. Now he finds it hard to believe that his twenty year old self hadn't thought harder about what would happen by accepting Bella, because everything comes with a price and Jacob Black has really come to hate his fucking life.
Their mornings are awkward, for him at least. His wife watches him eat. Sometimes they talk and he tries to ignore the disgusted faces he's getting from her. He knows it's the smell of the food, but it bothers him anyway. Other times she just sits there. Sits and stares. In the beginning, she would cook his food in the morning. He remembers one morning when he had exclaimed "Damn, Bells, this is so fucking delicious! Sure you don't want any?" and his wife sighed. "I can't eat what you eat, Jacob." Oh yeah, he remembers thinking, she's a damn bloodsucker. Time passed and Jacob remembered to stop offering food. Time passed and Bella forgot how she used to cook. She tried a handful of times to duplicate her recipes but they never tasted the same. Jacob makes his own food now.
He hates having sex with her. For one, she's his mortal enemy. Second, she's cold. She had been cold as a human too, but not like this because he can't warm her up with a hug now. The first time, Jacob was kind of excited. Sex with Bella Swan had been his dream for-fucking-ever! When he slid into her though, he realized he could never ever have sex with Bella Swan because she was soft and kind of warm and would've sounded different calling out his name, and his dream is crushed. They've only spooned a couple of times afterwards. They don't anymore because Bella ruins it.
She would talk about what-if. "What if I hadn't become a vampire, Jacob?" or "What if I hadn't been an idiot and chose wrong, Jacob?" or the question that's always whispered, "What if we could have children, Jacob?" That's the one that gets him most because it's what he's always wanted. On the day of the fight with the newborns, when Bella had asked him to kiss her, he had seen what she had and now he wanted it so badly. He wanted to experience what it was like having a pregnant wife and the anxiety of being in the delivery room and the joy of seeing his son or daughter for the first time. He wanted to go insane with Bella while they learned to be first time parents and he can't believe she would be heartless enough to mention something so sensitive. When she asks about kids, he mumbles a "Shut up, Bella," storms out of the room and sleeps on the couch.
He doesn't enjoy sleeping anymore. He tells Bella it's because he has nightmares, but that's not the real reason. It's partly because he can feel her watching him sometimes. Most of it is his dreams though. They're not really nightmares. He calls them what-could-have-been mares. Maybe they could've gotten married in a church somewhere with friends and family instead of a court house if she hadn't said she didn't want to go through the embarrassment of two weddings. Maybe they could've slept in late on Sundays instead of Jacob taking a run to forget his shit life if she could sleep at all. Maybe he could've talked to their child inside of her instead of staring at her stomach nearly in tears if she wasn't a barren fucking leech. Maybe they could've built a house in La Push to raise their family instead of moving every ten years because people might start to notice they weren't aging. Maybe in the afternoons they could've taken walks on the beach, holding hands and showing off their love to other couples if she didn't fucking sparkle in the sun. Maybe he could've left her a long time ago if his sisters and father weren't long gone instead of holding on to her because she was the last piece he had of his old life.
Jacob really finds it hard to believe that his twenty year old self hadn't thought harder about what would happen by accepting Bella. He glances over at his wife and sees her smile at him through the moonlight. He smiles back tightly. He never thought he would see the day that he would start to hate Bella Swan, but he does and has for a while because he can't stop loving her so damn much.