Sometimes she was pretty sure she'd made the wrong decision—like when he'd hurt his nose somehow and hid behind the Degrassi sign to ensure she didn't see him (she did anyways). She was worried and she wanted to ask him how, why, who. But she couldn't. She wasn't allowed (because contact would only be a step backward—at least according to her therapist).
Other times she was almost certain it was the right one. Because she was Becky Baker and her dad was a preacher and she would follow all the rules of the Church, even (no, especially) when it hurt. He was just confusing her, trying to tempt her off the path to God and she'd almost fallen for it. Thank goodness her parents forced her to see sense again. It was for the best.
She thought this was true—until she saw him again and her heart broke in two (again and again and again). He looked good, not heartbroken, and that hurt her in some indescribable way (she hoped she looked half as happy as he did—she wasn't though). But then she'd remember how he'd looked when she'd ended it, the way he'd slammed the locker as she walked away from him and she wondered if he still felt that heart-wrenching pain (because even though she'd never admit it, she did).
The therapy kind of worked, but she wasn't entirely convinced she was gay in the first place (he looked like a boy, he acted like a boy, he smelled like a boy, he must be a boy right?). So she didn't tell her therapist about the way her heart sped up every time she passed him in the hallways, the way her breathing stuttered when they made eye contact, or the way her heart literally stopped whenever they brushed hands in science. She was pretty sure it wouldn't help anything (or she just didn't want to give him up completely yet).
"Becky, darling, time for dinner!"
There was the call. The call that forced her to get herself off her bed, shake the forming tears from her eyes, and put on a smile just for her parents. They needed to think she was happy, that the therapy was working, that she didn't resent them for it (because she was trying really hard not to but part of her refused to think the therapy was necessary).
"Ok Becky. You can do this. Stand up. Look in the mirror. Adjust the skirt. Now smile. Not like that. No grimacing. Smile, pretend it's Ad—Jenna and she's just said something really funny. Good. Downstairs. Dinner. Happy, perky Becky is ready to go."
Talking to herself might be the first sign of insanity but sometimes she thinks it's the only thing keeping her sane. Who else can she talk to? Mom, Dad—caused the problem (kind of) and wouldn't (maybe couldn't) understand. Luke—would side with Mom and Dad (good Christians would, she should too). Jenna—would just try to convince her that it was ok to love him (and she couldn't do that, not now, not after everything). Adam—probably hated her and would be the last person who would want to hear about it (even if he was really the only person she wanted to tell).
"Ah Becky my dear, how was your day?"
She takes her seat at the table, smoothing her skirt and smiling at her father.
"Wonderful. We worked on Punnett Squares in science today." She'd wondered if Adam's confusion was genetic, if he would pass it on to his children provided he was able to resolve it (was there really a problem to solve?).
"Fantastic. Anything else interesting?"
She tells him about the day, trying to describe it as she would have pre-Adam, with smiles and laughs and enthusiasm (she's not sure she succeeds—after all, she can't really tell them about the most important parts of her day, about how he'd looked at her and for a moment she'd seen a flash of the old adoration, about how he'd sauntered into the cafeteria with his friend Eli and she'd wished she was next to him, about how he looked stronger and manlier everyday and it just made her want to die, another sin she shouldn't contemplate but did).
Dinner finishes quickly and she helps with the dishes, acting her part once more. She politely excuses herself then, claiming a pile of homework and a headache. Her parents remind her to prayer and send her off with a smile (she's getting better everyday, forgetting about that Torres "boy"). She quickly flees to her room and curls up in her bed. She's already finished her homework but she's tired of acting. So for the first time since the break-up, she lets herself cry.
She wonders that no one can tell her smile isn't real anymore. Someone should know her well enough, someone should see the pain she's in (maybe they do and they don't want to admit it—she certainly doesn't want to). Or maybe no one cares enough; maybe everyone just needs her to be as she was (it's less complicated, easier for everyone...except her). She's trying and she thinks, knows that someday it will wear her out, that she will let her guard down, that everything will fall apart. But for now, she can and will keep going, keep pretending, keep ignoring him even though it kills her inside. She doesn't want to and she thinks it will someday destroy her but she'll do it (it's what her parents want, need...it's what God expects).
The next day at school, she's pretending again. There's a huge smile on her face and she's explaining her next fundraiser idea to Jenna. She wants Degrassi to host a volleyball tournament to raise money for the local homeless shelter. Right in the middle of her sentence, he walks by and his shoulder barely grazes hers. She stops, her eyes glazing over with tears, and she looks back at him just once. He's not looking, ignoring their contact but Eli is glaring at her and she's pretty sure it's not just because she tried to sabotage his play. She looks away quickly, hoping to pretend it didn't happen (but it did, and he didn't notice, and the opposite of love has never been hate but indifference).
Jenna notices (how could she not? Becky's frozen in the middle of the hallway, her eyes brimming with tears, and her hands shaking). But Jenna thinks this is what she's been waiting for since the break-up, if this is when Becky will finally breakdown and explain to Jenna what exactly is wrong. Then, Jenna thinks, she will talk some sense into the girl (because all anybody really wants (or should want) is for Becky to be happy and the break-up and therapy is NOT making Becky happy).
Becky looks at Jenna and sees the concern in her eyes. She forces herself to shake her head, banishing the tears from her eyes (she will not, cannot cry—Adam is a girl. Becky is not gay. Becky loves God, not Adam). She's surprised when this action doesn't lessen Jenna's concern (her frown only deepens and suddenly, Becky thinks it's just possible someone actually noticed what was going on).
"Becky—"
But before she even really starts her sentence, Becky is gone. The tears came back and she couldn't hold them in this time. It was too much. Too much to see Adam's indifference, Eli's hate, and Jenna's concern all at once. So she ran to bathroom. The girls' first but Clare was there and Clare is friends with Adam and he can't know about this, he really can't. So she goes to the handicap bathroom and locks the door and collapses against the wall, sobbing.
There's knocking on the door and then a voice.
"Becky, Becky talk to me. I know something's wrong. I've known for weeks. You need to let this out. It's not healthy to keep it in."
It's Jenna and she's probably right. But she doesn't want to talk now. She needs to cry.
"Come on out Becky and we'll skip science and go out walking or something."
She laughs because Jenna knows just what she needs (to skip science and not see him for one day, one peaceful day) but also just what she can't have (Becky Baker does not skip class). It's this fact that forces her to get off the floor and open the door.
Jenna smiles and then Becky notices the girl behind her. It's Clare Edwards, girlfriend of Eli Goldsworthy and friend of Adam Torres. Becky cannot deal with her right now, especially with that look of pity on her face (she smiles at Clare even though her eyes must be red and puffy, she's never been a pretty crier).
Becky sends Jenna a questioning look and Jenna answers, "She saw you run into the bathroom crying. She thought you might need help."
"I'm sorry. I know you probably don't want my help. If it's any consolation, I won't tell Ad" she thinks twice about saying his name "him."
She smiles, "That does make me feel better. Come on Jenna, we'd best get to science. I can't skip."
Jenna just shakes her head, "Becky if anyone's ever needed a mental health day, it's you. Now let's go down to the office and get you excused to go home sick. Then we will deal with the rest of it."
Clare and Jenna lead her down the hallway and Becky's just the slightest bit confused as to why Clare is still there but she thinks the two of them have just made some sort of weird deal not to leave her alone. She's too drained to consider it further.
Somehow, all three of them get excused (she thinks it may have to do with how pale she looks) and they head out together.
Jenna insists they go out for lunch (she's not really hungry but she won't argue). Then they go to a movie and then window-shopping. Surprisingly, Becky HAS fun—she hasn't had fun since Adam and she's wondering how she can be having so much fun with one of his best friends when she's still so heartsick and completely confused. She shouldn't be anymore but she's come to realize that's what it is and there's no point in denying it.
The day starts to come to an end and the three of them are sitting on a bench outside Degrassi (Clare needs to find Eli and Jenna and Becky are waiting with her). That's when Clare and Jenna finally decide to bring up the topic that began the whole day, confirming the idea with a look.
"You know, Becky, he misses you too." Clare starts.
"What are you talking about?" Her heart freezes. She can't. She doesn't want to. She's not ready yet.
"Adam. I'm talking about Adam. Don't play dumb. I just don't see why the two of you can't try again. You are both miserable."
"I'm not miserable. He confused me. I'm not gay. I don't like girls."
"Adam's a boy, Becky. You know that. You aren't gay and he's not a girl, not where it really matters."
"I thought you were Christian. How can you accept that?"
"I am Christian. But I don't believe that means I have to condemn Adam for something that he can't control. I believe in God and Jesus Christ and charity but I don't believe in bigotry or condemnation. Jesus taught us to love everyone as our brothers and that includes people who are different."
"God doesn't make mistakes. Why can't Adam just accept who he was born to be?"
"He has, Becky, he has. It's you who can't accept what God made him."
"Becky," Jenna joined in, "you know he's a boy. I know you do because I see the way you look at him when you think no one's watching. Why do you insist on hurting him this way? Why do you insist on hurting yourself with this?"
"It's for the best. He's a girl—he just needs to accept that. I'm not gay. I want to have children. I want to follow God's path for me and he's refusing to follow his which means by being with him, I am refusing to follow mine."
"What if this is your path?" Clare again, "What if you were meant to fall for Adam so that both of you could grow? Why would God give you such strong feelings for Adam if he only wanted you to deny them?"
"It's temptation from the Devil." They both look at her and she looks down at her shoes. In the distance, she hears the bell ring and she knows this conversation will be over soon, just as she knows that her last point is entirely untrue. It doesn't feel sinful when she looks at him and his smile makes her happier than anything else in the world. So why doesn't she stop this pretending? And why can't they make a new point that will finally convince her that loving Adam is right? Because the ones they've provided have already gone around her head a million times.
"Becky, it's ok to question your parents sometimes. They are human and are not infallible. Look, I have to go but all I'm saying is that you are only hurting yourself and him by doing this. If this was the right thing to do, I think you'd feel better by now." Clare leaves, joining Eli on the front steps. She watches her leave, seeing Adam standing with Eli.
He's looking questioningly at Clare and Eli looks like he wants to come over and yell at Becky for everything she's ever done wrong (which is a very long list in his opinion). Becky looks away, once again it's too much pain and she's not really ready to deal with it. But Clare's final words are still ringing in her ears.
She's home now and curled up in her bed. Her parents were concerned that she left school sick but didn't come home. She lies and tells them she was at Jenna's, promising to pray for forgiveness later. She thinks that maybe lying to her parents is the least of her problems. And Clare's words keep spinning around in her head.
She claims sickness during dinner and stays in her bed, still contemplating what Clare told her. Maybe she's right (her parents are human and therefore prone to error) but that didn't mean she could defy them (could it?). Honor thy father and thy mother. That's what the Ten Commandments said. But this was killing her, she couldn't follow her parents orders any longer without going insane.
Should she go to Adam and beg for his forgiveness? Could he forgive her? Did she really want him to? Because she had denied everything he was and she'd tried to force herself to believe it (but she couldn't because he was too much for her to ignore). Should she wait until tomorrow? Could she?
No, she decided. She was too miserable and she couldn't go another day without knowing. She didn't want to and she was tired of pretending to be happy. So she put on a coat and snuck out her window. Her parents wouldn't check on her until late.
She walked to his house, remembering the address from the party she'd gone to, the first time she'd ever spoken to him. She'd taken the uniforms to donate them to the needy (he'd protested, wanting to burn them). At that time, she never thought she would fall for the boy (because that's what he was, a boy).
She hoped he would be in the basement because it would be easiest to find him there and lucky for her, there he was, playing video games. She still thought he looked amazing but there was something less about him. Something was different than what he looked like at school. She looked at him a bit longer and then recognized the hunched shoulders, the half-lidded eyes, the defeated stance, the permanent frown. It was how she looked when she was alone in her room, before she checked the mirror for the return to perky Becky. So something was eating at him (some cruel part of her hoped it was their break-up).
She knocked softly at the glass door and he looked up, startled. He saw her and looked surprised, before slowly getting up to open the door.
"What are you doing here?" The tone is scathing and she knows she probably deserves it but it still hurts (just a little bit).
"I just wanted," she tries looking him in the eyes but chickens out and looks at her feet instead, "I just needed to tell you I was wrong. You were right. You are a boy, in all the places that it matters. You don't need counseling and I don't need to "de-program" myself. I'm not gay and you're not confused. You are exactly what you are supposed to be. Denying this is only denying what God wanted me to learn from you. I just needed to tell you that I need you Adam, more than I think I've ever needed anything in my life before. I miss you and without you, it's impossible to be happy" he scoffs "no it really is. I keep pretending, hoping I can fake it 'til I feel it but it's not happening and I'm too tired to try anymore. I love you Adam Torres and I'm incredibly sorry for the things that I said and did. They weren't right and I never should have said them. I knew they were wrong then and it's even more obvious now. So I should go but yeah. That's all I wanted to say."
She turns around to leave. She doesn't need to stick around for his rejection (she wants to for some strange reason but she's not sure she's ready to deal with it. Still, she'd loved to hear his voice again).
"Stop. You can't just say all those things and expect me to just let you leave." His voice is calm, no longer angry, and there's enough happiness in them to give her a bit of hope. She can just hear his footsteps in the grass behind her and then his hand is on her arm and he's turning her around.
"I never expected to hear anything like that from you." His eyes are bright, even in the darkness and her breath catches. She tries to look down again but he catches her face and forces her to look at him. "Nuh uh, you've looked away from me long enough. I need to see your beautiful eyes. Becky Baker." He says her name like it's exotic and beautiful, with just a tinge of the sadness with which she said his. "Becky Baker. What am I going to do with you? You say all those things and then you turn away, like I don't get to respond. You did that when we broke up, too. So this time you're going to stay and you're going to listen."
She freezes just a little and he smiles kindly at her discomfort.
"Do you even know how unhappy I've been the last few weeks? I should hate you. I really should—you made me feel worse than any other girl because you told me it didn't matter and then changed your mind completely. At least the others didn't pretend to like me after they found out." She tries to look down again but he won't let her. "It's weird though, no matter how hard I try, I can't hate you. Eli's been giving me lists of everything you've done wrong, to try to help me move on but it doesn't work because I like you too much. I love you and you've looked completely happy these last few weeks without me and it's like, did I really mean that little to you? One week and you're over me? Just like that. I didn't think it was fair and the idea that you missed me is almost too impossible to believe. But I love you too much to care because right now you're here and you just said you loved me and I just want to—"
He breaks off, kissing her full on the mouth. And then his hands are wrapping around her waist and her hands are in his hair and it's the best she's felt in weeks. She just wants to keep kissing him because she's been missing a piece and Becky is finally realizing he is that piece. She doesn't feel lost or confused or torn—she just feels happy and she would give anything to keep feeling this way.
She needs to breathe and she breaks away to catch her breath. His mouth moves to her neck and she wants to moan but she doesn't because Becky Baker does not moan (does she?).
"I'm not lying. I've missed you so much—please give me another chance," she manages to gasp it out because it's the most important thing to say right now because she wants, no needs another chance. She doesn't know what will happen if she doesn't get one.
He pulls away and gives her a smile (she thinks she sees in it yes, yes, of course, and a happiness that can only be rivaled by her own right now). Then his lips are on hers again and she's forgetting what happened the last few weeks and what her parents and brother will say. If she had enough concentration left over, she'd wonder why she broke up with him in the first place but all she thinks about are his lips on hers and maybe that's for the best.