Eternal Empress: Hello everyone! This is my one-shot/character study/headcannons for Akashi Seijuro. I need to take a break from writing Forbidden because writing Akashi Seijuro is one hell of train ride. To me, Akashi Seijuro is the most complicated character ever! He's like one of the deepest characters I've encountered, y'know.
For all of the Forbidden readers, I think I would be able to post the chapter this week (or tomorrow. I'm half-way there c: ). I just need all of you to wait just a little bit :) Btw, thanks for all of your patience c:
EDITED (8/1/2015): Edited this oneshot to make the story more fluid and less with grammatical errors. A French version will be translated by Sacaly Amroma \(^ _ ^)/ This shall be part of the Complicated GOM series :)
Warning: Spoilers for those who don't know the end of the manga, but the summary is a spoiler itself. LOL. Also "pretty thing" is a term of endearment in this story, okay :) Yeah, being called a "thing" might be an insult, but in this perspective, Akashi uses it as an endearment. Also, there might be grammatical errors because this is my first time writing in present tense.
Anyway, enjoy~
Summary: Excellence has become akin to him as breathing and living. He needs to win and succeed so he can play basketball, and basketball is the only thing that keeps him from being choked to death by his family. But, when Akashi gets his first taste of defeat, he learns he doesn't have to. Akashi-centric. Warning: Spoilers. Akakuro...if you squint.
The Pretty Things
奇麗な物事
The moment his bright, crimson eyes opened to the world and his mouth opened to taste the air of the earth, Akashi Seijuro was head-over-heels in love with his mother. She is the prettiest and nicest person present in the room. The way her brown locks cascaded on her milky shoulders, her skin glowed and shone in the gloomy room, her eyes twinkled, her voice radiated warmth, and the way she safely cradles him onto her chest, so he could hear her comforting heart beats louder made him happy and giddy inside. He felt so comfortable and safe around her that he doesn't feel the bemused expressions of his other paternal relatives inside the room.
When his paternal grandmother scooped him from the safe cradle of his mother, he wailed and wriggled against the cold arms of his paternal grandmother, who had smiled on how strong and persistent the young Akashi Seijuro would become, while his paternal grandfather watched and commented that this might be the first signs of rebellion. His father scoffed – his voice is gruff and it does not make him feel safe and sound around him – and told his paternal grandmother that Akashi Seijuro will grow out of it.
The young Akashi Seijuro ignored his father and continued to wail, cry, and wriggle free from the arms of this lady because her arms are so cold – there is no warmth, no comfort, no love. It burned against Akashi's skin and that made him cry louder.
Sensing his discomfort, his mother, so sweet, so innocent, so naïve, plucked and shielded Akashi Seijuro from the cold, cold hands of his paternal relatives. The young Akashi Seijuro is buried into his mother's bosom, into his mother's heart, where, once again, he is reunited with the sweet beats of his mother's heart that comforted him. He does not understand why his paternal grandparents scowled at him for loving his mother - His mother is very pretty thing, a rare diamond among the ore. How could anyone hate such a pretty thing?
Even though his paternal relatives hate how he is being rebellious by being dependent on his mother, he is a child - he does not know anything yet - and they pardon it.
But, Akashi Seijuro doesn't care about it at all because he is cradled by a pretty thing, which is his mother, and that's all that matters.
The three-year old Akashi Seijuro found many pretty things around him – at the garden, at the front yard, even at the stables where everyone does not like to go – but he cannot be around them. Since Akashi Seijuro was destined to become an impeccable, wise and charming heir of the Akashi clan, of the Akashi corporation and of the Akashi blood, his father, his paternal grandparents, his paternal relatives have shoved all of the responsibilities, all of the expectations, all of the burdens on his tiny shoulders years before Akashi could even understand the meaning of the words 'responsibility', 'expectation 'and 'burden'. As a result, he does not have much time to explore the garden, the front yard, or the stables because he needs to learn and develop many skills at an early age to become a proper Akashi heir. Sometimes he gets sad that he cannot see the pretty things he found in the garden or at the front yard, but his mother lovingly tells him about those pretty things every day and Akashi is entranced. At every story, he feels as if he has touched and possessed the pretty things he saw outside without the disappointed, burning stares of his paternal relatives or the weight of the studies he has to accomplish before dinner time.
Despite the choking atmosphere in his home, he feels free around his mother because he is free whenever he is with his mother. He is a snot-nosed child who is expected to be submissive to his elders, so he has a no voice or a choice when his paternal grandparents started enrolling him into supplementary and advanced classes 'to develop his intellect' or when his paternal relatives started dictating and controlling his childhood. In contrast to him, his mother has the power and the voice in this household, and, much to his liking, she is always on his side in arguments. As a result, she becomes his voice against his nosy paternal grandparents whenever the latter became too controlling and, when he asks nicely, she coerces his homeschool teachers to let him go early.
When his mother pulled him out of the violin class his paternal grandmother proudly enrolled him in, he and his mother – always hand-in-hand together, never apart from each other – visited the stables to see Yukimaru, a three-year old foal who is as close to his dam as Akashi Seijuuro is to his mother. Although everyone says that Yukimaru will die because the poor foal is too sick and too tiny for his age, Akashi's mother would say that Yukimaru will grow into a strong, white and beautiful stallion that will serve as Akashi Seijuuro's faithful companion someday. As they groomed Hanamori, Yukimaru's mother, his mother started telling him facts and stories about horses. Akashi is delighted hearing these stories and is thankful that his mother pulled him out of that boring violin class because this is better than the former.
Later on, his grandmother spots them 'loafing around' at the stables and her face immediately starts to turn into a nasty shade of red. His father, who came with his grandmother, told him to go to his room, leaving his mother in the mercy of his grandmother.
A few hours later of reading books and writing essays for his literature class assignments, his grandmother visited his room and gave him a very calm talk that unnerved Akashi. His grandmother was never one of those people who has explosive temper, but she still gets angry when things aren't perfect and her anger brings out the monster inside of her. She tells him, in a calm and threatening manner, that he is an Akashi and thus, he should act like one.
Despite his fear, Akashi asks further because he does not understand, and his grandmother elaborates. In the end of the lecture, he learns that an Akashi is like being his paternal relatives and being a simpleton plebian is being like his mother. Akashi makes the mistake of telling his grandmother that being like his mother is easier and more fun because he gets a backhand slap on the head afterwards.
After that, Akashi is comforted by his mother and his grandmother was never allowed five feet near Akashi Seijuro whenever the latter was with his mother.
His father was not around when that happened.
Five years old, and Akashi Seijuro has his eyes focused on another pretty thing. It may not be as pretty as his mother, but this object is more important than his mother – his grandfather tells so – and much more profitable, because it can buy him respect, acknowledgement, reverence and anything else he desired if he played his cards right.
His grandfather called it excellence.
Unlike his mother, excellence is an entity without warmth, without comfort, without love. It has to be achieved by being the best in everything, and by fulfilling his responsibilities and the expectations laid down on him without flaw. Excellence cannot be won if he commits mistakes, by being meager, or by being like himself, which greatly contrasts to his mother who will always accept him for who is and what he has done.
However, Akashi admits that even if excellence may not be as pretty as his mother, it is still pretty and it is very useful. He wants to have excellence – but not as much as his mother's love – because his grandfather had made him believe that it can buy his father's love. All throughout his existence, he always wanted his father's respect and affection, and just one instance wherein his father would hold his hand affectionately and gazed on him lovingly.
So, Akashi Seijuro finally refuses to run away from his classes through his mother and accepts the responsibilities, the expectations, the burdens that were put onto his shoulders, and balances them like the books on his head as he walks. There were times when he committed some mistakes and errors, and in consequence, his paternal relatives frowned at him for that, but he is getting there – maybe a little slow for their liking, but he can almost grasp it.
One year and a half later, he has become a prodigy in the eyes of his paternal grandparents – he is excelling in academics, in music, in art, in sports, in everything that his paternal family laid upon him. He finally feels and sees the promises of excellence his paternal grandfather told him – he has become somewhat of a star role-model in his elementary classsed, his teachers had always admired and praised him, and his paternal relatives have finally respected and accepted him as part of the Akashi clan. Even his father, who he had always seen with a stoic expression, had dawned him with a small smile when he showed his report card and the medals he had won. At those merits, Akashi realized that excellence is absolutely, a very pretty thing.
He has taken a great liking in excellence that he has become almost obsessed achieving it.
At seven years old, Akashi fully realized that people don't just win pretty things, but they earn it, they buy it. When Akashi had fully come in terms with the value and function of money in society, he realized that pretty things also work the same way – he spends his time, his effort, his skills and his intellect to get good grades or win challenges.
But, one early morning, he learned that he isn't just spending time, effort and intellect for excellence.
One early morning, he learned that excellence also feeds in his mother's sadness as Akashi Seijuro has stopped needing his mother's love, has stopped spending so much time in his mother's shadow. In just one early morning, he had seen, for the first time, the tears of his mother as she argued with his father about keeping him away from her only because she is not an Akashi.
Maybe excellence was not as pretty as he thought it would be.
After coming in terms with his mother, Akashi Seijuro saw another pretty thing – maybe even prettier than excellence: Basketball. His paternal relatives may not see the value of basketball, but his mother does, and after watching some basketball games on TV and watching his mother play it, he does too.
It's the only sport he deems fun because he can feel pure excitement in his bones as he dribbles past his mother and the true satisfaction when his shot goes through the high basket, despite his meager height. He likes challenges and basketball seems to like challenging him because his physical stature puts him in a disadvantage. This challenge does not deter him, Akashi Seijuro muses, because he also learns that basketball is not just a physical sport, but an intellectual sport as well, when his mother began pointing out the advantages of different team play patterns as they watched a basketball game in TV, and Akashi realizes that he could put his strategic mind into his advantage in this sport.
After watching more recorded basketball games, Akashi Seijuro becomes a fan of Kagetora Aida and dreams – no, practices – to become someone like him.
His paternal relatives disagree and Akashi is put into a compromising position. His father resolves the argument by telling – not asking, because he never asks, he commands – Akashi Seijuro that the latter will be permitted to continue basketball if he continues to excel in his studies and extracurricular activities – yes, even in basketball. At that point, basketball becomes part of the heavy things shoved onto Akashi's shoulders, but it's alright, because basketball is pretty and excellence is pretty as well. He also has the utmost confidence he can balance them because he believes he has enough time, energy and skills to spend for these two pretty things.
He completely forgets the first pretty thing he has ever received and regrets it afterward.
At age 11, Akashi wonders if excellence will earn his mother's sweet and melodious heartbeats back.
Akashi's mother – bless her sweet soul – dies because of an illness she developed by being stagnant around the mansion. Akashi Seijuro knows it's not only because of being stagnant, it's also because she became lonely for being separated from her son that she forgot to take care of herself and died. During the funeral, Akashi Seijuro is seated next to his father, whose presence is expected to give him comfort and solace, but instead, it only procured hundreds of thoughts that swirled around in his mind.
'Why did she have to die?'
'Why didn't she tell she was lonely?'
'Why didn't anyone do something about it?'
'Why is my family so quiet in the funeral?'
'Why aren't they crying?'
'Why couldn't they care for my mother when she was in a fragile state?'
'Why couldn't they accept her?'
'Why couldn't they be a normal family for once?'
'Why do they want me to win everytime?'
'Why do they want me to be perfect?'
'Why don't they understand that I am human?'
'Why couldn't they just be happy for me?'
'Why couldn't they understand I need my mother?'
'Why do I need to win if my mother will die of loneliness as a result?'
'Why do I care if I fulfill their expectations or not?'
'Why do I care if I excel or not?'
'Why did I start to see excellence as 'pretty'?'
'Why did I start becoming their slave?'
'Why didn't I just stay with my mother from the very beginning?'
'Why is everyone so quiet?'
'Why is everyone not talking?'
'Why is everyone not mourning?'
'Why are you quiet father?'
'Why are you not mourning?'
'Why are you just staring at her like that?'
'Why couldn't you be there for her?'
'Why couldn't you understand I need her?'
'Why couldn't you say 'I'm sorry'?'
'Why couldn't you say 'I love you' in her final moments?'
'Why are you not acting like a father?'
WHY WON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?!
"Shiori was a faithful and loyal wife to the very end." His father spoke at the podium. "We will never forget her."
His relatives clapped and Akashi fought the urge not to cry out of anger for his father.
A day after her funeral, everything went back to normal. He returned to his business of hunting for excellence while his father returned to his business of not being a father. Akashi Seijuro didn't know why he couldn't just rebel against his family and run away, but he had eventually realized that there was nothing to run away to, if ever he decided to rebel, because his mother is dead and he has no friends. The only pretty thing he has left is basketball – excellence has lost its original luster when his mother died – but he can only play basketball if continues to win and succeed.
From that moment on, he starts breathing excellence because, in the end, he has no choice not to.
Two years later and excellence has grown akin to him as oxygen. He needs to win and succeed so he can play basketball, and basketball is the only thing that keeps him from being choked to death by his family.
In some nights, he imagines how his life would be if his mother didn't play basketball, then he realizes that he would not be alive in this moment if there is no basketball. Now that his mother is gone, basketball is the only thing keeping him alive, keeping him from giving up, because he desires to live for basketball, to keep this only pretty thing safe and sound.
He enrolls in Teiko because their basketball team is formidable. He is permitted to enter into their basketball team because he has convinced his family that basketball won't interfere with his studies - he'll even become better at it, he reassures. He also promised that he will bring his team – his team – to victory at the Wintercup finals.
His father allows him only because his father believes that it will push him to be a better heir and he enjoys his freedom even if it has an expensive price.
Akashi Seijuro imagines his life again if his mother didn't introduce him to basketball, and then he agrees with himself again that he would not be alive in this moment if there is no basketball. But, at this moment, just the thought of not being in Teiko's basketball team makes it painful to breathe because if he didn't decide to enter the Teiko basketball team's tryouts ,then he would not meet this odd-ball of a team he calls friends.
They were very pretty things to begin with. Their talents make them shine and glow the brightest in the whole court, and people - including him - look up to them as if they were gods. They are the perfect team, and after he has become captain, they become his perfect team. Despite their contrasting personalities, they follow his every command because he excels as a leader and as a basketball player, and at the same time, because he has this knack of keeping them from killing and maiming each other every time they do something stupid.
At his 15th birthday, he begins to call them family after Kise smashes a cake onto his face and proceeds to run screaming through the hallways as he chased the blonde idiot, only to be led into a secluded room where he is met with confetti,streamers, balloons and a poorly synchronized "happy birthday!". He receives short but meaningful speeches from each of them. His most favorite would probably be from Kuroko because Kuroko told him that without Akashi, then the Generation of Miracles won't be the Generation of Miracles. Kuroko also clarified that Akashi does not need to be perfect because all they need and want was Akashi – without the title, without the perfection, without the victorious motto. The others agree, especially Midorima because he is the one who is most saddened by Akashi's tearful story about his family (and Midorima empathizes with Akashi's relationship with his father because Midorima's father had abandoned their family when Midorima's younger sister was born). Aomine adds that even if Akashi wasn't born into a prestigious perfectionist family, Akashi would still be their leader because he would be born as a natural leader either way – Murasakibara pipes in that he has the gut sense of it – and he will always be their friend no matter what universe they are in.
Although Akashi wants to disagree, he has no words to say and reply because deep in the recesses of his mind, he wants to hear those words again – that he can be with mistake, with flaw, with in terms of his true self. In the end of the speeches, he tears up enough to leave a trail of cream at his cheek and Momoi gently wipes the tear from his face. They all went frenzy in his party because they are idiots after all, which causes Kise to accidentally smash his cake onto his face again – they bought so many cakes because one cake might not be enough for everyone and Murasakibara – but Akashi lets it go and the frenzy continues.
Akashi realizes that he feels content and happy once again, just like when he was with his mother, because with his team, he can feel warmth, comfort and love.
He feels freer than ever.
And just like his mother, his team breaks apart and dies.
But, it's alright, Akashi's other self muses, because he has brought victory to Teiko, to the Generation of Miracles, to his father, and that is enough. The words of the 'other Akashi' remind Akashi of his father's eulogy and Akashi tells his other self to shut the hell up because he does not want to hear thost words again. Akashi is upset with everything, upset that he couldn't do anything, upset that he still breathes and thirsts for victory even if it fed off from the bonds of his team – his family.
Akashi tries to stop breathing, but his other self does not let him.
Akashi lets his other self take the lead more often because it is more obvious and more apparent that this Akashi is the Akashi Seijuro his family wants. His other self doesn't mind, but for some strange reason, his other self shares the same hatred for his paternal family members.
So, Akashi and his other self decided to go to Kyoto and enter Rakuzan – the long-standing Emperor. The school's motto is the sweetest sounds to Akashi's other self, while the school's theme and color scheme comfortingly reminded Akashi of Teikou.
During the try-outs, Akashi becomes a regular. A few weeks later, he becomes captain. He plucks out the unnecessary regulars from the bench and chooses those who are the closest to the Generation of Miracles as possible – skill-wise and personality-wise. Akashi's other self thinks it's a waste of time, but he participates anyway, and in the end, they both agreed on the three Uncrowned Kings. They respect him as much as the Generation of Miracles respect him, but there is something missing in them. Akashi's other self comments that the Uncrowned Kings are not the Generation of Miracles, so there bound to have some changes. Akashi agrees, and he embarks into an unnecessarily long journey to find a copy of his favorite player – the phantom sixth man.
He wishes the original phantom sixth man was here instead, but he has yet to receive news about his whereabouts and welfare.
And it's all his fault.
Akashi admits that its hard trying to find someone who can be at par with Tetsuya. After watching some 2nd and 3rd string matches, he finally finds him, but this person still has so many rough edges that needs polishing before he can be set off onto the court.
Akashi's other self comments that this person's personality needs polishing too because both Akashis do not really like the novel this person was reading and both do not like the way that this person's eyes were nonchalant. Akashi misses the fire in Tetsuya's eyes and Akashi's other self reminds him that he was the one who extinguished that fire.
It is enough for Akashi to shut up and focus on polishing this person – Mayuzumi Chihiro. Akashi promises Mayuzumi that he will become Rakuzan's ultimate asset and wild card on the day they've me, and Akashi gives the latter no choice to argue. After three months of training, Mayuzumi becomes a diamond, a perfect carbon copy of the Phantom sixth man, but Akashi did not feel any pride, only relief.
When Akashi heard of Seirin's light and shadow duo, Akashi is both happy and sad – he is happy because Kuroko has finally set foot on a basketball court again, and he is sad because Aomine is not Kuroko's light. He starts thinking on how Aomine took this whole matter altogether because he knows Aomine has explosive temper and he hates other people touching what is - or was - his.
Akashi's other self reminds him – once again – that this is all his fault and that immediately stops Akashi from thinking about the whole matter entirely.
The Winter Cup opening ceremonies come off as a blur and before he knew it, he was standing on court, facing off against Midorima and his team. After an intense match, Rakuzan won against Shutoku and Akashi takes a big breathe of excellence this time.
He is relieved to see that excellence did not feed off from Midorima's sorrow of losing, and he is overjoyed to see that the fire in Midorima's eyes has grown brighter. Midorima has also became shinier, became prettier – everyone in the Generation of Miracles are shinier and prettier, most especially Kuroko. Akashi ponders if his team – his family – would ever be this pretty if they were under his wing, but Akashi's other self pipes in and tells him that it doesn't matter anymore because what's done is done.
Midorima reached out his hand to shake hands after the match, but Akashi does not do so because his other self told him not to. Afterwards, Midorima later on sends him a message via email, congratulating him, and asking him about him and his family.
Akashi is delighted that Midorima is still concerned – in Midorima's message, Midorima states that Aomine, Kise, Murasakibara and Kuroko are concerned too, even if the other four did not explicitly say it, but they were still too shy, too embarrassed, too guilty of contacting anyone in the Generation of Miracles after what happened in Teiko. Akashi clarifies that he is well – I miss all of you – and bids Midorima 'Thank you' – I am happy that you all have become prettier, and less ephemeral, at least, to your high school team.
Midorima does not reply after that and Akashi is thankful.
As expected, his team faces off against Seirin.
What he does not expect, however, was Seirin winning the basketball match and everything came crashing down.
For some reason, his life – mostly his childhood – flashes in his eyes. Most of these memories were his paternal family members telling him to succeed at all costs, because excellence can buy him anything.
And then, for some reason, his other self tells him that was all a lie.
He realizes soon, afterwards, why.
After the match against Seirin, his life does not come falling apart and his team was still by his side. Even if Seirin won, the members of the Generation of Miracles went down the stadium - fighting off some guards at the process - to congratulate Kuroko and him. Seirin came to congratulate his whole team, despite his team losing, and Kagami Taiga happily comments that he'd like to play against them one more time. Their words echoed in the recesses in his mind, erasing the words of his paternal relatives about excellence.
And Akashi, for the first time, becomes happy after losing and smiles to Kuroko as he shook hands with the latter because he is thankful that he lost. He finally realizes excellence cannot buy his friends because even after losing, they are right beside him, ready to support him. He also learns that excellence cannot buy the elated feeling of removing all the heavy, impeccable expectations that has strained his shoulders for decades. But, most importantly, he now knows that excellence cannot buy the life supporting his lungs because, for the first time ever, he has stopped breathing excellence and has started breathing oxygen like a normal human; he is not choked down to breathe excellence any longer and anymore, but he is finally free.
His other self reunites with him and Akashi realizes that his other self is just a manifestation of the fear of losing his pretty things if he gets defeated. But, now, he learns his defeat didn't cost him his pretty things, but only his miserable life, and that is all what mattered to his other self.
Akashi meekly cries out of happiness and tells Kuroko – sincerely and truthfully – on how happy he is to have met him and have played basketball.
When he gets home, he is sure to have an earful from his paternal family members.
But, Akashi Seijuro doesn't care about it at all because he has pretty things that are long-lasting, which are his friends and teammates, and that's all that matters.
Eternal Empress: Yay~ My character study/oneshot/headcannons fic is finally done! Whew. That was mentally exhausting. Anyway, I apologize any grammatical errors and I hope you leave constructive criticisms to help me improve it! I'll post the chapter 7 of Forbidden this week, so stay tuned ^^
Leave a review and share your headcannons of Akashi~ We all love our little complicated shrimp.