It's still so amusing that I'm the only one who has thought to cross Glee with Kick-Ass. Go me :)
This bit is a little less Kick-Ass and a little more Glee. And it's still totally random.
Also, Kurt isn't quite as foul-mouthed as he is in the other ones. He still swears rather a lot, but not as much in previous random Glee/Kick-Ass stories.
Just to set the scene – Finn and Kurt have both retired from being superheroes (for now...) and Kurt now goes to McKinley High. I've decided not to make this one from Finn's POV, as most of this is happening to Kurt so it was just easier to make it in the third person. There are also other characters besides Kurt and Finn in this one.
Reviews are love, Humble Readers, so review like crazy.
The Untitled Glee/Kick-Ass Crossover Slashfic III
"What the hell are you wearing?"
That was how Finn greeted Kurt that morning when the smaller boy sauntered up to him in the hall.
"And hello to you too, Finn," said Kurt, with his usual smirk and arched eyebrow.
Finn momentarily forgot that he was standing with his two friends, Mike and Matt, at his locker. He was so overwhelmed by the sight of Kurt Hummel standing in front of him that everything else sort of faded into the background. That was the usual response whenever Finn caught sight of those beautiful bluey-green eyes or that devilishly angelic face. But today something different had Finn picking his jaw up off the floor.
"Are – are you wearing a Cheerios uniform?" Finn said in disbelief.
"How observant of you, Finn," Kurt drawled. "You're really doing a lot to make me think you're not a complete fucking retard."
"But..." the taller boy began, still shell shocked. "But there aren't any guys on the squad. How did you even get in? Why did you even try-out in the first place?"
The angel-faced ex-superhero flashed his trademark evil smirk.
"I have my ways," he said. "And my reasons."
Kurt knocked on Coach Sylvester's office door a few days ago, waiting until he was told before he entered. He could be obedient when he wanted to be. The formidable cheerleading coach looked Kurt up and down with the usual contempt in her steely gaze, before telling him to sit down in the small and uncomfortable chair in front of her desk.
"So, what can I do for you?" she said, still glaring at him.
"Coach Sylvester," Kurt began pleasantly. "I would call you 'Ms' but, after hearing about your reputation, I feel that would be a bit of an oxymoron. I'll get right to the point. In case you haven't heard, I've just transferred here after being home-schooled my entire life by my recently deceased father. This school doesn't appear to have any kind of gymnastics team, and I heard that your squad has a vacancy..."
Coach Sylvester shook her head. "I'm going to stop you right there. My Cheerios are an all female squad. You may look and sound the part, but you're still a guy where it counts. No sale."
Kurt narrowed his eyes, trying his best to block out the various ideas of how to kill her that had naturally popped into his head. He really wasn't used to being said no to, but killing a member of the faculty on his first day at a real high school wasn't the way to go. Instead, he decided that honesty would be the best policy.
"Let me level with you, Coach," he said, no longer trying to sound nice. "I've seen the way that the so-called 'losers' at this school are treated; mercilessly thrown into dumpsters, slushies chucked into their zit-ridden faces, and so on. The fact that I am new here, not to mention one of the very few openly gay kids at this school, it would seem, means that I'm likely to be a target for this horrible behaviour, and I cannot have that. I understand that high school students fall into certain ranks. The jocks and the popular kids are at the top, and those poor, unfortunate, socially-retarded freaks are at the bottom, hopelessly begging for scraps of attention. And I refuse to rank bottom. The only reason I wish to join your squad, besides the fact that I downright refuse to join a sports team, is to boost my popularity and gain the respect and authority at this school that I rightfully deserve. Now what am I going to have to do to get you to cooperate with me?"
Coach Sylvester stared at him, the usual cold look failing to mask her surprise. Then, quite suddenly, she smiled.
"I admire your honesty, kiddo," she said. "What did you say your name was?"
"I didn't," he said. "It's Kurt Hummel."
"Well, Hummel," said Coach Sylvester, sitting forward in her chair. "I've got to say, I like that attitude. Your feistiness, your directness, your unrelenting lust for power. Why, you remind me of a younger, more effeminate Sue Sylvester."
She paused for a second, smirking, before saying "You're on, Lady Face."
"Don't you need me to try-out?" Kurt asked.
The champion cheerleading coach sat back in her chair, her fingers pressed together under her chin like a bad guy in an James Bond movie.
"My Cheerios are under the sad impression that they are in a democracy. They think that their opinions actually mean something to the fate of the squad, and I like to make them think that's true. Stops them from turning against me. But the truth is that the Cheerios are a dictatorship, and I rule supreme. Now as far as I'm concerned, you're on this squad. I think you bring a lot to the table, and it'll finally get Figgins off my back for not making my Cheerios more diverse. But you can have a little try-out in front of the rest of my girls so they feel like they're involved in the decision, and I can see what you're made of. Might even help to make them like you a little more."
Kurt stood up and offered his hand to Coach Sylvester, who shook it with an evil smirk to match his.
"I appreciate that, Coach," he said. "A pleasure doing business with you."
Finn was still gawking in disbelief at Kurt standing there in his bright red top and track pants, 'WMHS' plastered across his chest. He was so used to seeing the baby-faced boy in front of him decked out in designer clothes or, failing that, his purple Hit Boy costume. Seeing Kurt – the beautiful, foul-mouthed, badass killing machine – as a cheerleader was just... weird.
Also, he'd only been at McKinley about a week, and already he was technically more popular that Finn. How the hell did that happen?
"If you're quite finished coming in your pants, dumbass," he said. "I need to get to lunch. I don't want to keep Brittany and Santana waiting."
"You're... friends with them?" Finn asked, astounded.
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Yes, I'm friends with them, being fellow Cheerios and all. Although I say 'friends' in the loosest possible sense of the word."
"What about... Quinn Frabray," Finn blushed a little bit. Even though he had the biggest crush on Kurt, he still couldn't help but have a bit of a thing for Quinn. She was hot.
"What about her?" said Kurt, starting to sound bored.
"Well, are you friends with her? Because you guys don't seem like you'd have a lot in common."
Kurt laughed. "Oh no, that little God-botherer and I don't exactly get along. She hates me. It's hilarious, and understandable."
Kurt stepped out of the bathroom cubicle and was met by the cold stare of the head cheerleader, Quinn Frabray, with Santana and Brittany flanking her either side. Kurt couldn't help but smirk at the situation he was in; it was the ultimate high school cliché.
"Well, well, well," he drawled as he walked over to the sinks. "If it isn't Quinnie Von Holier-Than-Thou, and her loyal subjects, Dumb and Bitchy."
Quinn narrowed her eyes even more as she watched Kurt wash his hands.
"What are you doing here, Hummel?" she sneered. "Shouldn't you be in the boys' bathroom?"
"Have you ever been in the boys' bathroom?" he replied. "Excuse me for not wanting to catch hepatitis."
Quinn paused for a second, continuing to glare at him, before saying "You know, just because Ms Sylvester likes you, doesn't mean that the rest of us Cheerios do."
"I like him," Brittany said quietly.
"Shut up!" Quinn hissed.
Kurt laughed to himself, shaking his head.
"Oh, Saint Frabray," he sighed. "I find you're jealousy delicious, and the limited hold you have on the opinions of your cronies is highly amusing."
"Don't mock me, Princess," she said sternly, stepping up to him. "You don't know who you're dealing with."
"Oh no, sweetie," he said, confidently staring her down with his hands on his hips. "You're the one who doesn't know who you're dealing with. You may be the Queen Bee around here, but that doesn't mean shit to me. So unless you want me to rip your pretty bleach-blonde hair out and shove it down you're fucking throat, I suggest you show me a little more respect."
All Quinn seemed to be able to do was stare at him, her mouth opened slightly. After a while she managed to compose herself, and went back to glaring at him, although she couldn't quite hide the apprehension in her eyes. Santana and Brittany gave each other a nervous but meaningful look.
"Fair enough," she said, suddenly trying to smile pleasantly. The overall effect wasn't that pleasant. "If you insist on continuing to be on the squad, then I think that you should consider joining the Celibacy Club too. It would be a great way for us all to get to know you a little better."
Kurt didn't even try and stop himself from laughing in her face.
"The Celibacy Club? Are you shitting me?"
He continued to laugh as Quinn looked hurt.
"Please say you're just fucking with me!" he said as his laughter died down a little bit. "This school doesn't really have a Celibacy Club! No way!"
"For your information," said Quinn angrily. "I happen to be the president of the Celibacy Club, and all the Cheerios are members. I suggest you become one too. I think you need saving more than the rest of us."
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Thanks for the offer, sweetie, but I'm going to hell anyway, being a proud sodomite, amongst... other things. It's a little too late to save me."
Santana and Brittany giggled before hastily stopping when Quinn glared at them.
"Whatever," she said, pretending not to be phased. "The offer's still open if you change your mind."
"I would tell you not to hold your breath," he said. "But I think it would be funny as fuck to see you pass out."
She narrowed her eyes at him once more, before storming out of the bathroom. To Kurt's astonishment, Santana and Brittany didn't follow her.
"Aren't you ladies going to follow your brilliant leader?" said Kurt, confused as to why they were still standing there.
"We have minds of our own, thank you very much," said Santana, folding her arms.
"Yeah," said Brittany. "We follow whoever we want, and you're way cooler than Quinn."
Santana gave her ditzy blonde friend and quick sideways glare, before addressing Kurt again.
"Look, Hummel. Everything as McKinley is really ordered. Really... set in stone. It's refreshing to have someone finally square up to Quinn like that. She's like, crazy religious and none of us are really down with that. We just go along with it all because she's head Cheerio and everything."
"I didn't really know what celibacy was," said Brittany. "And when Quinn finally explained what it meant, I'd already had sex with like, most of the guys in this school. And a lot of girls. And a few teachers. One of them got fired."
"Do you know what the Celibacy Club motto is?" said Santana. "'It's all about the teasing and not about the pleasing.'"
Kurt shrugged, smiling at the memories of teasing Finn. "That doesn't seem so terrible.
"Yeah, for a while!" the Latina Cheerio continued. "Pretty much every guy I meet wants to tap this and, sure, teasing them and driving them wild is fun and everything, but I have needs! Quinn keeps going on about how we should all save ourselves for marriage. Screw that! All that celibacy crap that she's always preaching about it just depressing."
"Her bible stories confuse me..." Brittany quietly added.
Kurt arched an eyebrow at the two girls in front of him as they continued to rant at him. It sounded as if they'd wanted to say this all to someone for a while.
"You know, she doesn't just hate you because you're the only boy one the Cheerios and Ms Sylvester likes you better than her," said Santana.
"Oh really?" Kurt said. "What else have I done to incur the wrath of Saint Frabray?"
"Well, we've all seen the way that Finn Hudson looks at you," she said, smiling.
"And what, she's jealous?" he asked.
"Totally!" the two cheerleaders said in unison.
"He was always checking her out," said Santana. "And trying to ask her out and stuff. She totally loved the attention, but would always turn him down, which would just make him want her more."
"I don't know why she said no to him all those times," said Brittany, more to herself than anyone else. "He's like, super hot. I wouldn't say no to him. But then, I wouldn't say no to anyone."
"Ever since you came along," Santana continued regardless. "Quinn's been lucky to get a second look from him, and she's way more pissed about that than she lets on. I mean, she even told us one time that Finn like, belongs to her."
Kurt laughed. "Listen, I knew Finn before I came here, and he's been dying to fuck me senseless since he met me. We've already made out before and everything. Trust me; if Finn belongs to anyone, it's me."
Just then, the bathroom door opened and Quinn herself stepped in, looking extremely annoyed.
"Where the heck were you guys?" she snapped at Brittany and Santana. "I was two halls away before I realised you two weren't behind me. I thought you were just being really quiet. Well?"
Neither girl said anything. Brittany looked at her feet. The silence was broken by the sound of the bell signalling the next class.
"Well, I'd love to stay and chat," said Kurt with a smirk. "But I don't want to be late for Spanish."
He walked towards the door before stopping in his tracks and turning to look at the two silent Cheerios behind him.
"You ladies are in my class, aren't you?" he said. After they nodded, he said "Want to walk with me?"
Both girls instantly perked up.
"Sure, okay!" said Santana.
"Totally!" said Brittany.
Kurt left the girls' bathroom, Brittany and Santana walking eagerly behind him, leaving on outraged Quinn behind without so much as a goodbye.
"Y'know, I just don't get you sometimes," said Finn.
"I wouldn't expect you to," said Kurt, clearly losing interest.
"But after..." Finn gestured aimlessly as he tried to think of a way of saying 'killing bad guys' without actually saying it. "Doing you-know-what, I figured you'd just want to keep you head down and stuff."
Kurt laughed slightly. "Oh Finn – my poor, simple-minded little dumbass – you really don't know me at all, do you? This is my chance to step out of the shadows. As rewarding as my... previous vocation was, I was essentially anonymous. Now is my chance to shine and get all the slightly fearful admiration from all these nameless fuckwits and losers that I deserve."
Kurt stepped closer to the taller boy, looking flirtatiously up at him.
"And you've got to admit," he purred. "I look pretty damn fuckable in this uniform, don't I?"
Both boys' faces were so close that they were almost kissing. Finn almost forgot to breath, and had completely forgotten that they weren't exactly in a private place. He wasn't sure how he didn't see it coming, but what happened next was almost painfully inevitable.
"Well, anyway, I better go," said Kurt casually. "Don't want to keep the girls waiting."
He smiled cheerfully and stepped around Finn. "See you around, dumbass. Friends of dumbass. Always a pleasure."
He walked away, his hips swaying teasingly, leaving Finn to question why he always seemed to fall for the worst possible people.
Fans of this random fic (you crazy bunch) and requested more action and more smut.
So I'll try my damnedest to make the next one of these weird stories as smutty and action-y as possible. Just for you, my lovely Humble Readers :)
Review, my pretties! I need applause to live!
xxx