Amaranth
El Angel Caido
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Prologue
I hope you get to read this.
By the time you've read this, we could have patched things up. Or we could still not be talking to each other. Or worse, we're done. I am hoping against all hope that it's not the last one, but if ever we (or you - I know I wouldn't, if I had a choice) do end it, thank you. I guess it's better this way, before we get hurt even more.
Remember that time when we got lost in the forest after that mission in Kumo? You were lost and going in circles. I knew where the way was, but I didn't tell you immediately because… I don't know. Then you found it, and I said I kinda figured it was there, and you asked me why I didn't say so. "You're always like that," you said. "You never tell anyone anything until you're sure."
And it's been like that with me ever since. I more often than not tell things that I wouldn't think you'd approve of, things that would irk you or make you mad. I've tried to be very careful with what to say and with my words, when to say certain things, and when to just shut up.
At first I thought it was because I didn't want to hurt you. I thought by keeping these kinds of things to myself I was protecting you. I thought I liked you too much to never say what I really meant to say, and just let it go.
And then I realized it wasn't you I was trying not to hurt. It was myself.
I never told you straight up that most of our friends don't want this - what we have - for me. they have no qualms about you - some of them even think you're great, for putting up with me - but they're bothered with what kind of relationship we really have, and how I was doing, being in this kind of relationship. My friends have been telling me what I have been denying to myself, asking the same questions I've been trying to avoid answering. What are you two, exactly? Friends? Friends with benefits? Does your relationship have restrictions? Why are you jealous of Ino if there's nothing between you and Neji?
Always I'd put on a fake smile and say, "I don't know." That's all I can ever tell them, I don't know. I'd reason we're taking it slow, that you just came from a relationship that ended badly and it's taking you some time to open up again, that we're happy and contented with what we have now. And I believed all that, every single one, until that day in your house you told me, "I'm still confused." I guess it was that that woke me up from playing pretend.
I was afraid that maybe if I asked you about it, about us, you wouldn't have an answer. Worse, it wouldn't be the answer I was hoping to hear. Worst still, you'd tell me you're confused, because then I'd find out that all this time you weren't really so sure as I was. That would hurt. And it did.
I've taken solace in saying "I'm okay." There are times that I mean them; then there are those times I just pretend that I do. That's just how I am; when I'm happy, I celebrate with everyone else, but when I'm sad, I suffer alone. I am that selfish, distancing from everyone else at the time I know I need them the most, giving them all a hard time, trying to reach out to me. I have a habit of pushing people away, again, because I don't want them to see me hurting, and because I don't want to hurt them, too. People see me as an independent person with a strong attitude. I want to keep it that way.
But with you, it's different. Since we've been together, those times I'm feeling down, it's you I would look for. I want to just break down and cry in front of you, let you hold me and make me feel that you don't want to let go, that you wouldn't let go. It's just that I'm scared that if it does happen, that if I do break down in front of you, I'd get disappointed; that it wouldn't be a familiar embrace that could calm me, but rather just a momentary touch of comfort. I've always told myself how lucky I am to have someone like you, which is why I'm afraid you'd disappoint me, because I know how painful it would be.
The one and only time I've genuinely told you how much you've hurt me was that night I told you I love you for the first time and you said it all felt like just a joke. I was crushed. It was the worst kind of rejection I ever got (from you, no less), and nothing has ever made up for it. It's just sad to know I haven't had the same kind of courage to do it again, say when I'm hurting - to grow a backbone, to say the least. If you ask me now if I have regrets, I would give you this. I regret having said I love you too soon.
But that doesn't mean I never did. The first time I knew you weren't just anyone else to me, but somebody, was that first day of shoot. I couldn't understand why I was so affected, but I couldn't bear seeing you in bed with her, even if it was just pretend. It was a scary thing, coming into terms with the fact that I was jealous. I tried to stay away from you, but I couldn't. I didn't want to.
I've been falling in love with you every single day since then. And it still scares me, knowing that there exists someone I could not walk away from, no matter how hard I try.
I just wish you feel the same.
They say you would know that you truly love a person if you allow them to see you at your most vulnerable. I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. then again, I wouldn't know when I am at my most vulnerable; I think I've always been.
You just didn't notice.