He's gone. He's really gone. Matt. Gone. It just doesn't make sense. Twenty four hours ago he was in this very room, smoking his damn cigarette and smirking while he went around killing people on his video game. In his games, everyone died so easily, no one really minded dying, they just respawned somewhere. But what am I talking about? This is real life. The real world. But I still did expect Matt to barge in here and fill me with relief and tease me for worrying so much and kiss my tears away. When I need him most, he's gone. Dead. He and I always thought I would be angry at him when he died, if he died. A person like Matt seems to great to just dissapear, but like anyone else, he will eventually pass away. Damn, he won't get out of my head. The smell of smoke is fading from the room, i always hated that, but now its the thing i need most. I need to hold on to him, maybe just for a while. Hey Matt? I want you to know that i love you. I regret never saying it, but i figured you knew. You always knew. And you know what? I always knew that you loved me. But now i feel like it being an unspoken thing just wasn't enough. I wish i would've said it to you every day, every second of every day. And even that isn't even close to how much i love you. But i guess you knew that too huh?
Matt? I miss you. I miss not being able to sleep at night beause of your video games, and how when i did wake up you would be crashed out on the floor, controller in your hand. You always talked in your sleep. When you ever left , i wasn't able to sleep. It felt so quiet. So lonely. No one to randomly mumble incoherent shit. The only thing i ever understood was when you said my name. You said it almost nightly, and it was the best thing ever. Knowing that you thought about me even when you didn't know it. But i also thought about you when i slept. I always dreamt of you. Always. You were my fucking world, and hell, you still are. I miss you so much it hurts. I've cried for you so much it hurts. I hope you don't feel bad for making me hurt so much. It was my fault. I got you into this mess. All my fault. Mine. Please forgive me. I never thought you'd be killed. You didnt even have a chance. But neither of us had a chance in this anyways.
Matt? I hurt you. Real bad. In the worst way possible. You were killed. And it was my fault. I guess for doing that to you, letting you go on the mission with me, that I deserve all the pain im feeling right now. My hands are shaking, im really scared Matt. I need you in my life, you cant just leave me. Not now. We had so many things we were going to do together. We had more arcades and candy shops to visit, more late night movies, more everything. Atleast give me one more kiss. But thats even too much to ask for. Everythings too much to ask for. My life was perfect with you. It's only fair that i go through this pain. Only fair. You were the one to save me from nightmares of my parents' death. From the teasing from the older kids. You made me strong when i needed to be, and didn't care when i let down my facade and cried. I cried a lot. You went through all the same shit i did and i never, not once, saw you cry. You got teary eyed, but you held it back. You were always strong, even when i wasnt. I feel so lost wothout you. No one to trash the apartment with those nasty lime chips and Dr. Pepper. But now, i don't think i could ever bear to pick those up. To erase any traces of you being here. If i do that, I would really feel alone. Alone. It's starting to feel like that's the only word i know any more. Alone.
You know how when someone dies, everyone says that you need to let go and time will fix everything? They can all go burn in hell. Thats bull. Someone truly special, like you, can't just be forgotten. Time cant fix me. I promise that i will never let you go. I'm being selfish. You probably want me to carry on, forget the pain and misery, the longing to be loved again. But i never will. Never. You are the only one who can make me better, Fix me. Matt, promise you'll wait for me. Wherever it is that you may be, wait for me. You'll probably be in heaven right now, playing video games and smoking to your heart's content. Matt? Now that you're in heaven, you wont get hurt from those cigarettes. You'll have as many video games as you desire. But you probably won't see me again. I've done more than enough to go to hell. All the people i've killed, the things i've stolen. I never told you about the cocaine. I didn't want you worrying, i wanted you happy. I wanted my sweet, innocent puppy dog Matt, who followed me everywhere. I still do want that. I've never wanted it more. I want my goggle wearing, comperter hacking, nerdy ass dork. I want all of that. And I won't get it. I've thought of suicide, but thats almost promising to never see you again. I want to be with you. But i'll never be in heaven. I hope you're happy, wherever you died so easily. All they had to do was pull the trigger. I never thought about how easy it was to kill. Never. But you were never phisically strong, you never needed to be. Anyone who pissed you off got their ass kicked by me. I protected you.
I hope you can hear me, I really do. I'm letting my heart just pour out here. But, suprisingly, instead of feeling emptier and lonlier, I feel a little better. Thank you.
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Bwaaaaa! The sadness!!! I cried while writing this TTwTT
BTW, i wrote this a long time ago, before i read the story 'Hey Matty' By XlookingXforXaXwayXoutX,but they're REALLY similar!
You should go read tht story. its really good!
But review and all that jazz! oh, and im having total writer's block w/ hot pink TwT...
-Hannah 3