Title: Guilty Free
Author: Wordless_angel
Email: Wordless_angel@hotmail.com
Spoilers: .and Jesus Brought A Casserole
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: The characters mentioned in this story are not mine and in no
way belong to me. No money is being made from this work and no offence is
meant to the creator.
Summary: Max thinks about Zack and what he gave up for her.
Guilt is such a powerful emotion. I never felt it back at Manticore. Guilt was as alien to us as love. All we had was duty, discipline and Mission. But things are different now. Now I'm back here. A place full of so many bitter memories. In every hallway I can see a familiar face. In every classroom I hear a familiar voce. I can see Jack, falling to the floor, his whole body shaking. I can see my own hands, clenched tight in balls, to hide the same thing. I can hear Ben, telling his stories, everyone crowded around. I can see Eva, conferring with Zack about the best way to complete a mission.
I never realised until I was forced back here, how hard it must have been for Zack. Even back then he would worry and try to protect us. But he had Eva to help. She wasn't as controlling as Zack, so she would take over when it got to hard for him. I never thought what impact her death must have had on him. She was his fellow commander. She was closer to him than any of us. Sometimes I wonder if she's the reason he was so determined to protect us after the escape. Because he didn't save her. Because he was saving me.
Saving me always got him into trouble. On the night of the escape, when I went to help Brin, or even when we went to find Tinga. And when we blew up the DNA lad. The hardest thing was that I could believe every word that Bitch told me. I knew how much Zack loved me, and that had got him killed. If only I'd not returned to talk to Brin, if only I'd kept going. Maybe Zack would be alive. He'd laugh at me for thinking like this. Zack always said the past was that past, you couldn't change it no matter what you wanted. He never went on about forgetting the past. Maybe because Zack couldn't forget his own past and he knew ideas like that were useless.
The time Zack turned himself in for me, I remember the look he gave me. Like he wanted to see something on my face. Something that wasn't there. Took me a while to understand what he wanted. I felt guilty and I hurt because I'd lost my Big Brother. But he wanted love. I don't love him, not in the way he wanted. I love Logan but I would have done anything to stop myself from hurting Zack. I spent almost my whole life looking for him. If I'd know what it would do to him I never would have tried. When Zack turned up at Jam Pony, I would have ignored him and pretended not to be Max. He's not dumb, he would've known I was lying but have taken the hint and stayed away.
The hardest part of all this is making myself understand that Zack is dead. He is, was, such a fighter. I can't believe that he ended it. I think I'm just tying to make myself feel better but other times, when I look up, I can't feel him watching over me. I don't believe in a higher power, or god or any shit like that, but I always thought he'd be there. I can feel Tinga, Ben, Jake and even Eva with me. But I can't feel him. Maybe Ben was just more forgiving than Zack.
But wherever you are Zack, I just want you to know that I will always fight. I will be strong and fight. Manticore will never bring me down. And I will always, always, try to be the person whose heart beats in my chest. I will hear it beat and remember what I promised. Love you, Big Brother.
Guilt is such a powerful emotion. I never felt it back at Manticore. Guilt was as alien to us as love. All we had was duty, discipline and Mission. But things are different now. Now I'm back here. A place full of so many bitter memories. In every hallway I can see a familiar face. In every classroom I hear a familiar voce. I can see Jack, falling to the floor, his whole body shaking. I can see my own hands, clenched tight in balls, to hide the same thing. I can hear Ben, telling his stories, everyone crowded around. I can see Eva, conferring with Zack about the best way to complete a mission.
I never realised until I was forced back here, how hard it must have been for Zack. Even back then he would worry and try to protect us. But he had Eva to help. She wasn't as controlling as Zack, so she would take over when it got to hard for him. I never thought what impact her death must have had on him. She was his fellow commander. She was closer to him than any of us. Sometimes I wonder if she's the reason he was so determined to protect us after the escape. Because he didn't save her. Because he was saving me.
Saving me always got him into trouble. On the night of the escape, when I went to help Brin, or even when we went to find Tinga. And when we blew up the DNA lad. The hardest thing was that I could believe every word that Bitch told me. I knew how much Zack loved me, and that had got him killed. If only I'd not returned to talk to Brin, if only I'd kept going. Maybe Zack would be alive. He'd laugh at me for thinking like this. Zack always said the past was that past, you couldn't change it no matter what you wanted. He never went on about forgetting the past. Maybe because Zack couldn't forget his own past and he knew ideas like that were useless.
The time Zack turned himself in for me, I remember the look he gave me. Like he wanted to see something on my face. Something that wasn't there. Took me a while to understand what he wanted. I felt guilty and I hurt because I'd lost my Big Brother. But he wanted love. I don't love him, not in the way he wanted. I love Logan but I would have done anything to stop myself from hurting Zack. I spent almost my whole life looking for him. If I'd know what it would do to him I never would have tried. When Zack turned up at Jam Pony, I would have ignored him and pretended not to be Max. He's not dumb, he would've known I was lying but have taken the hint and stayed away.
The hardest part of all this is making myself understand that Zack is dead. He is, was, such a fighter. I can't believe that he ended it. I think I'm just tying to make myself feel better but other times, when I look up, I can't feel him watching over me. I don't believe in a higher power, or god or any shit like that, but I always thought he'd be there. I can feel Tinga, Ben, Jake and even Eva with me. But I can't feel him. Maybe Ben was just more forgiving than Zack.
But wherever you are Zack, I just want you to know that I will always fight. I will be strong and fight. Manticore will never bring me down. And I will always, always, try to be the person whose heart beats in my chest. I will hear it beat and remember what I promised. Love you, Big Brother.