Author's Note: I am such a random writer. How on earth do I think these stories up?(By the way, thanks to everyone who read and review my last story!)
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. (Duh!)
Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave. . .
Alfred Pennyworth always tried not to complain. He had more on his plate than the average butler, but he always attempted to rise above any challenge thrown his way.
Unfortunately, most of these challenges were thrown his way by a certain bat. It was after this change, that Alfred had come to realize that he was no longer just a butler but a spy, surgeon, a co-conspirator, etc. It actually hurt his brain to think of all of it.
But of all this, a liar, was the role he despised the most. He had actually gotten pretty good at it, much to his horror. But he comforted himself with the knowledge that, all in all, it was for the good of society.
This still did not take the pain he felt when he did.
Lying to Dick's teachers to get him out of school when Bruce needed him, lying about whatever Bruce needed him to . . . it was really quite something. After awhile, it just kept mounding up inside of him—guilt. But Alfred was not one to give up. Whatever needed to be done, would be done. Until, that one day . . . .
"Alfred have you seen my tie?" The English butler looked up over the top of the book he was currently reading to survey the young man.
"Which one?" He asked. Dick gave a sheepish grin and scratched his head.
"At this point I would settle for any color." He replied.
Alfred withheld a sigh. He loved Dick like a son, but would it kill the boy to develop better organizational skills? Checking the page number of his book he shut it methodically and set it down on the table next to the armchair.
"Well, let me go see." He offered politely.
"Thanks Alfred, I have no idea where they all get to." Dick said honestly. "I swear, once they get washed, they never come back."
"IF, they get washed, Master Dick. I have yet to see such a miracle occur." Alfred said dryly. Dick gave a grin and didn't deny it.
"And furthermore, Master Dick I would appreciate if you would start these searches sooner, then with twelve minutes to go before Miss Gordon shows up." Alfred said scolding gently as he got up from his seat.
"Yea . . ." Dick said with a guilty expression on his face.
Alfred led the way to Dick's room with the boy trailing behind.
After a few minutes, a tie was discovered.
"Directly behind the laundry basket" Alfred announced as he handed it over to Dick who thanked him gratefully.
"So that proves that I tried, right?" Dick said with a bit of a grin on his face as Alfred gave him a cold look. It quickly melted into a smile however.
"Well just try better next time hm?" Alfred suggested as he watched Dick go through the motions to tie it around his neck.
The phone in Dick's room rang. It gave off the noise that meant the call was coming from inside the house. Alfred moved with practiced precision and picked it up.
"Yes Master Bruce? Yes, yes, I'll tell him." Dick turned around to catch Alfred's eyes giving him a regretful look as the butler hung up the phone.
Dick gave a long sigh and held out the end to his tie.
"Here, pull." He instructed.
"Whatever for?" Alfred wanted to know.
"She is going to kill me any way. What better excuse for me not being here then my death?"
"Master Dick please do not joke about such things, it does terrible things for my nerves." Alfred reminded the young man. He watched as Dick undid his tie and deposited it onto the bed.
"Seriously Alfred, what am I going to do? This will make the seventh time in three weeks that I've had to cut off our plans. She was pretty much going to kill me last time too I think. Good thing we talked over the phone last time or she might have." Dick said rubbing his neck as if he felt a pair of hands there already.
Alfred watched the boy's distress.
"Try not to worry about it Master Dick, I shall come up with something."
Dick gave a small smile and said, "You're good Alfred, but I don't know if even you can lie my way out of this." The phone rang again. Dick snatched it up before Alfred could get it.
"I'm coming!" He said angrily into the phone before slamming it back down in place.
"One day, for just one day could my life not be interrupted by . . ." Dick paused to stare at Alfred. "I don't know why I'm complaining it's you who is going to have the really tough job."
Alfred gave a brave smile.
"It shall all work out never fear; now go on, before he calls up here again." Alfred shooed a still angry Dick out the door.
Alfred sighed and went to stare out the window. Perhaps Master Dick was right, there was really nothing harder than telling a lie that Miss Gordon would believe. "Maybe I should go after the criminals tonight." He said absentmindedly to the empty room.
She arrived precisely on time as always. Like perfect clockwork, Barbara Gordon never failed to show up when she set a time. Alfred rehearsed the speech in his head. It had taken him longer than usually to come up with a good one. He passed by the usual standbys that were good enough to fool the average person. For Miss Gordon, something a bit more complex was required.
The door bell rang. He went to answer it putting on a warm smile that would give nothing away. He pulled one of the large French doors open.
"Miss Gordon, how are you?" He said with ease. She entered into the hall with a smile of her own.
"Thank you Alfred, how are you?" She asked genuinely.
"Quite good actually. You look very nice to night as always." He commented. She smiled and gave a shrug, but looked pleased.
"Thanks . . . so where is our circus brat?" She said turning around glancing through the various openings to other rooms. Alfred prepared himself.
"Well, to be honest . . ."
"He's not here." Barbara said suddenly. Her shoulders dropped as she turned to face Alfred who was not quite ready for her to find that out yet.
"Oh, ah, well," Alfred said slowly as he stared into her face which was now set with a frustrated expression.
"I cannot believe him!" She exclaimed. "Could he just . . .for one time. . ."
Alfred broke in quickly. "Miss Gordon, I am very sorry, but he . . ." Barbara held up a hand.
"Please don't waste your breath Alfred. It's not worth it. I'm sure what ever the reason is, it was very urgent, or important, or something noble sounding that just had to be done right away." She said.
Alfred felt that lump of guilt crawl into his chest.
Indeed, those usually were the type of excuses he gave her. Barbara gave a sad sigh, but then straightened her back and set her jaw firmly.
"Never mind, I have better things to do, as apparently, does he." She fixed her purse strap around her shoulder.
"Could you not at least stay for a bit?" Alfred tried to persuade her. "I am hoping that he will be back so. . ."
Barbara shook her head. "He never is." She said with sadness creeping into her voice. She cleared her throat chasing the lump away. She resolutely walked back over to the door and opened it up. Alfred followed quickly.
"Miss Gordon, please." He begged her as he followed her out the door onto the front stoop, shutting the front door behind them. She stood there looking at him.
"You're very sweet Alfred, but there is really nothing you can say this time." She said kindly.
Alfred swallowed.
He knew there was, but it was the one thing that he, that they, were never supposed to reveal. He couldn't let Dick down, that was for sure, plus he had had it with all this lying, especially to this young lady. How much was the poor thing to take?
Master Bruce certainly would not be happy, but he could get used to it Alfred thought. Besides, Barbara was a very nice respectable girl who could keep a secret. Especially, if it was a secret that would keep people safe.
Alfred stared decisively back at the green eyed girl who was still looking sadly back at him.
"Miss Gordon, I have something to tell you." He announced.
"Alfred, I really . . ." She protested.
"It won't take long and I assure you that you will want to hear it." That's a good way to start. He thought to himself.
But perhaps he shouldn't just blurt it out. If he could lead her to the answer, he could just tell Master Bruce that she figured it out on her own. It would be mostly true—mostly true. That meant another lie.
Lying was really quite bothersome. It was one continuous loop that once one got in, it was hard getting out. But perhaps it was for the best this time, he would lead her to the truth, and then he would only need to tell one last lie.
"It is not really as simple as you think it is. It's not really as simple as I've tried to tell you. I guess I was hoping that you would figure it out for yourself." He started by saying. Barbara's face grew a confused expression.
"I don't understand. What am I supposed to realize?" She asked.
"Well, that is just it. It's hard to come out and say it; I'm really not supposed to tell you." He hoped that she would understand.
"You've lost me Alfred." Barbara said pushing some of her red hair out of her face.
"It's just . . . sometimes there is a time for things to end, and once you realize it, then it will be over." He was starting to confuse himself at this point; he just wanted her to see that there was something bigger going on.
"All the times he is never here, I just hoped that it would click." He tried to put it more plainly. He watched her face hoping that she was putting the pieces together.
The confusion on her face melted away to be replaced with sadness.
"Oh." She managed to get out. Alfred frowned. He had not been anticipating this reaction.
"I though that . . ." He began.
"No it's fine. I do realize it now. I'm sorry to have made you go through this trouble." She said softly.
While Alfred was pleased that she understood, he was now the one who was confused. She gave him one last small smile and turned to walk back to the driveway.
"Miss Gordon!" He called after a moment as she walked down the path. He had expected her to have been happy on being let in on the great secret. Perhaps she was upset that Dick had not told her sooner. He was about to walk after her when a voice called out.
"Well, I'm done; everything is up and running again."
Alfred turned as he heard the gate to the backyard close.
The pool repair man. He had quite forgotten that he was still at the Manor. The slightly overweight man made his way up the steps to the door.
"The problem wasn't too big, not like the problem over at the O'Conner's, now their pool . . ." He rambled on.
"Yes, well thank you." Alfred said interrupting the man. "Do you need anything else?" He asked watching Barbara get into her car and start it up.
"Just a signature on the bottom line please." The man said holding out a clipboard. Alfred took it and glanced over the top of it as Barbara's car drove out the gates.
"That's tough you know? But like I always tell my daughter, there are always more fish in the pond. Or the pool." The man added jokingly. "See? Because I'm a po . . ."
"I'm sorry what were you saying?" Alfred asked only catching the end of the man's sentence. The repair man thumbed in the direction of where Barbara had drove off.
"The girl."
"Yes, what about her?" Alfred asked. The man fixed his baseball cap.
"Well, I didn't mean to overhear, but that can be a tough blow to take."
Alfred stood there alarmed. Surely this man hadn't of put the pieces together as well! This could be a disaster! Telling the truth, at this point, was not supposed to cause this!
"What blow would that be?" Alfred asked carefully.
"The breakup." The man said simply. Alfred blinked.
"What breakup?"
"With whatever his name is. That can be tough you know? But when you know a relationship is not working out, you need to do what is right. Quite honestly, I think that he could have told her sooner and not just never show up and hope the poor girl figures it out. That could have been handled better. Just my humble opinion though." The man rambled on as he took the clipboard from Alfred.
"Wait, hold on a minute." Alfred stopped him. "Who has broken up?" He demanded to know.
The repair man looked confused.
"That girl and whoever she was dating. You just said so yourself."
"I certainly did not!" Alfred said now indigent.
"Yea you did. Something about 'time for things to end' and something like "realizing that it is over' like I said I just over heard bits and pieces that pool's filter is kind of loud." The man explained.
Alfred stood there frozen stiff.
"Ah, sir? You okay there?" The man asked. Alfred snapped back to life.
"Yes thank you, we'll call you again if need be." The man tipped his cap and headed off to his truck. Alfred turned to face the front door.
Surely that is not what Miss Gordon thought. It could not be. She must realize that. Alfred put his hand on the doorknob, but then turned around to look back at the road.
She did seem awfully sad.
Alfred quickly went back into the house and grabbed the keys to the Rolls-Royce. He had to track down, Miss Gordon and set everything to right again. He quickly made his way to the garage hoping that neither Batman nor Robin would need his assistance from the cave this evening. This evening, he had a much more important mission.
Quickly merging into traffic, Alfred tried to ponder all the places that Barbara would go. He decided that her apartment was the best bet. Driving there as quickly and as legally as possible, he found no one at her apartment, and her car was no where to be seen.
He sighed in frustration as he tapped his fingers against the steering wheel. Where else would she go if she was distressed? Thinking back on a conversation he had once with Dick, he recalled Dick saying that Barbara would often retreat to the library no matter what mood she was in.
Turing the car around, he headed off in the direction of the Gotham Public Library.
The library was an impressive structure to say the least. Standing firm with it's columns in front; the building had withstood the tests of time.
Finding a place to park was not very difficult that evening. Alfred quickly parked and got out. He walked around the building on the sidewalk staring at the structure as he went. He wasn't really paying attention until his feet stuck in something wet.
"Hey, buddy! We just poured that!" A man wearing a hard hat called out stepping out of a truck.
Alfred stared down at his feet and pulled each foot out of the sticky cement and onto the grass.
"I'm terribly sorry sir, I'm in a bit of a rush, and . . ." He tried to explain.
"Yea, yea, walked right through our barrier of tape. Listen, you better go get sprayed off, head over there." The man pointed to a green truck. "I think they should still have some water left in the tank from the clean up."
"Oh, yes, thank you." Alfred hastily walked over, not wanting to be permanently stuck outside of the library.
Thankfully, there was some water left, and in a few seconds he was thoroughly drenched on both pant legs from the knees down. The water was quite chilly to say the least.
Consequently, he thanked the men and promised to keep better track of his feet next time. He left the workers to re-pour the spot.
That is how Alfred Pennyworth came into the library, with a pair of loud squeaky shoes.
"Shhhh!" Was how the first librarian at the front desk greeted him.
"I'm very sorry." Alfred whispered. "Do you know if Barbara Gordon is here?" He was pretty sure that all the librarians knew who she was by this time. No one else had even come close to the record number of books that she had checked out.
The librarian fiddled with the glasses on her nose.
"Barbara?" She repeated. She put a hand to her mouth and looked around the room and up above to the second level of the library. She looked back at him. "You know, I do think I saw her in here a bit ago. She returned something."
"How did she seem?" Alfred dared to ask. The librarian tapped her fingers against the counter quietly.
"I suppose she seemed as if she was in a cloud. I asked her if she was going to take anything out and she said she didn't feel like it." The lady finished saying as a boy came up and handed her a copy of The Wizard of Oz.
"Two weeks young man. Have a good evening." She said waving to him as he left. She turned back to Alfred.
"So is something wrong?" She inquired.
"Oh, nothing that can't be fixed I do believe." Alfred said confidently.
At that moment another librarian walked up from the room behind the counter.
"Laura," The first librarian asked, "Have you seen Barbara this evening."
"She was here not too long ago." The younger librarian said, "But I think she left. She was dressed up nicely, so I think she was heading out for the evening. She looked downcast though." Both the librarians exchanged a shrug and looked back to Alfred.
"Oh, ah . . ." He tried to say.
"Have you tried her phone?" The younger one asked him.
Alfred paused. He hadn't thought of that.
He owned a cell phone of course, but always tried to avoid using the infernal device. It had more buttons then necessary, and if he bumped it accidentally sometimes it would even start talking to him. He was convinced that the phone was borderline possessed.
"Well, maybe I'll try that, thank you ladies for your time." He gave a nod of his head and left, squeaking all the way out.
After passing the men, who were once again done with pouring the cement, he climbed back into the car and opened the glove box. He eyed the phone warily. It took a few tries, but he finally hit the correct sequence of buttons. He listened to the phone ring and ring. No one picked one.
He got her answering machine, but didn't feel that what he had to say was the kind of thing that you just leave a message about. He shut the phone and placed it back into the glove box. He stared out the window as the sun began to set.
"Where could she have gone?" He said out loud to himself as he drummed his fingers against the steering wheel again.
He halfheartedly thought about calling Dick and asking him, but he quickly dismissed the thought. He didn't want to upset him as well, and that would only make Bruce irritated since they were on the job.
So once again it was just him, trying to solve this mix up that he created all by himself.
Leaning back into the driver's seat, Alfred pondered giving up for the day and trying to catch her tomorrow. The thought was quickly dismissed.
There was no way he was letting that poor girl go to bed thinking that Dick no longer cared about her. And there as also no way he could go home and tell Dick what had happened. The boy would probably have a heart attack.
So there he sat with now where to run, and no idea where to go.
That is until an idea formed in his mind. It was most likely a long shot but he was going to try. Barbara and Dick were supposed to go to a fall festival that the city had ever year by the lake. Was there any chance that she went anyway? Alfred prayed that it was so.
He shifted the vehicle into gear and smoothly pulled away from the library. The drive was not too long, but long enough for the sun to just about set. He pulled into the makeshift parking lot, which was the park's lawn, along side all the other cars.
The trees in Gotham were in the process of turning color as autumn was getting closer. The evening was warm with a slightly cool breeze that hinted that fall was indeed here to stay. There was a lovely smell of apple cider that swirled in the air and the faint sound of music coming from the band in the gazebo.
There were many groups of people out walking down the path by the lake that was now lit up by the street lamps and the many lights that had been hung in the trees.
It all looked rather pretty—like a postcard even.
However this was still Gotham, so as always there was a strong police presence.
Alfred started down the path trying to spot out Barbara. If she was there of course. He looked every which way: on the park benches, near the food stands, anyone standing by the lake, he stopped and took a look around again. All his luck, she had already been there and left.
He quickly turned around to head in the opposite direction when he stumbled over something on the ground.
"Ahh!" He let out a small cry as he fell over. He stood up quickly as the object in question started barking at him.
It was just a dog. A very small dog. A very small brown Chihuahua dog on a leash. Holding onto that leash was a rather heavyset woman who did not look at all happy.
"Oh, Princess! Is mommy's little darling alright?" She cooed leaning over to pet the dog while shooting a glaring look up at Alfred.
The little dog promptly bit her.
"Ahh!" She shrieked and threw her hands up causing her to let go of the leash. Both the lady and Alfred watched as the dog sped away into the crowds of people.
"Well, don't just stand there!" The lady thundered as if he had caused the whole thing to come about. Alfred looked down the path that the dog had taken. He quite felt like defending himself to this obviously unrefined woman, but the gentleman in him rebelled against the thought. He meekly nodded and walked briskly down the path.
How far could a little dog go anyway?
Apparently far enough.
He finally spotted the creature sitting by one of the food stands. Hoping to catch it by surprise, Alfred snuck around to try and creep up upon it.
Unfortunately, the dog turned around at the last possible moment barking at him before taking off once again.
"I will not spend this entire night chasing around a little dog!" Alfred said out loud. It was hard enough to find people the dim lights let alone a small animal.
He followed the dog however straight to a bench where a woman bent down to pet its head.
"Young lady!" Alfred called out walking forward. "Could you hold onto that animal please?" The lady leaned over and secured her fingers under the dog's collar as Alfred came to a stop in front of her.
"Alfred?" The young woman asked in surprise.
"Miss Gordon?" Alfred asked in equal surprise.
The Chihuahua turned its head to stare at Alfred and then back to Barbara.
Barbara stood up picking up the dog.
"What are you doing here?" She asked. Alfred glanced pointedly at the dog.
"If you will allow me to take the animal from you and promise not to move from this spot, I shall tell you."
She nodded and handed the dog over. Alfred handled the creature like it was a Ming vase.
Turning around, he quickly sought out the ungrateful woman and quickly turned back to find Barbara.
She was thankfully still on the bench.
Alfred sat down and turned to see an amused smile across her face.
"You do not want to know, and I do not feel like repeating it." He told her before she could ask.
"I'm not sure about that." Barbara told him. "I would love to know why the Alfred Pennyworth was chasing a Chihuahua through the park. It sounds like something that Dick could tease you about for months."
The smile that had been on her face up to this point fell.
"Oh, yes!" Alfred said quickly, taking her hand. "That's what I came to talk to you about." Barbara pulled her hand away.
"I told you earlier Alfred, its okay. I don't need you to spell it out any further." As she spoke her features became set again.
"You don't understand, that is exactly what I must do!" He exclaimed emphatically.
"Alfred," Barbara said firmly. "I am a big girl. I'll get over it okay? I'll be fine." She choked out the last part. She quickly looked away from him, and turned her attention over to the band still playing in the gazebo.
"This is all my fault." Alfred told her. She didn't respond, but he couldn't help notice how her hands balled up scrunching the fabric of her dress pants.
"Alfred," She finally said quietly, "I'm sure that none of this is your fault."
Alfred, at this point, lost his patience.
"Miss Gordon, if you think I drove all the way to the library, walked through wet cement, and then drove here while walking around in a pair of wet shoes for something that was not my fault you would be mistaken." He took a breath. "Oh, and the dog. Believe me; I was not doing that for the joy of it." He added dryly.
Barbara managed a smile. She took a deep breath and looked at Alfred. He could tell that she was trying hard not to lose her composure.
"I'm sure that D . . . Dick has . . ." She tried to say.
"He hasn't broken up with you!" Alfred said quickly. Barbara stared at him dumbstruck.
"He . . . hasn't?" She asked carefully almost as if she heard him wrong.
Alfred nodded frantically as he watched her take in the news.
"I was well, trying to . . . I was explaining something badly, and I didn't realize that you interpreted it the wrong way." He tried to explain.
Barbara sniffled and brushed a hand past her face to keep a tear from falling.
"I was afraid that he . . . you're sure?" She asked him once again making sure that what she was hearing was true.
Alfred looked at her fondly.
"Miss Gordon, the day that Master Dick decides that he no longer likes you is the day I have the men in the white coats come and take him away." He said with authority.
Barbara's face lit up immediately with joy.
"And if you will not mention this whole incident to him I would be extremely grateful." Alfred said leaning back against the bench.
"I won't." Barbara said happily.
Alfred smiled as he saw the burden fall from her shoulders. Alfred looked around the lake with a happy feeling.
"It's very pretty here. I'm not surprised that so many people come out here." He commented.
Barbara nodded as they watched the people walk past.
"I love it out here during this season." She said.
Alfred agreed. They both got up and slowly made their way to their cars.
"Hey, Alfred?" Barbara asked before they parted. "Can you tell Dick that I'll call him tomorrow?"
Alfred smiled.
"I'm sure that he'll be most happy to hear it." He said giving her a smile and a nod goodbye.
He watched her car pull away, this time with a much happier heart.
He realized that through all of this she had not actually asked him what he was trying to say. For this he was thankful, for tonight he did not have the heart to lie or even try not to lie.
He made his way quietly home and found his way back to his chair and the book he had been reading.
At a quarter to one, he heard footsteps coming quickly into the room.
"Alfred? Alfred?" A familiar voice called.
"In here still Master Dick." Alfred said.
The young man entered the study, his hair still wet from the shower he had taken after getting back. Alfred noticed the question on his face.
"How did it go?" Dick asked wearily not sure if he wanted to hear the answer. Alfred gave his response a moment of though before answering.
"It went well enough; she said that she would call you tomorrow which I suppose is technically today." He told him.
Dick's face shown with amazement.
"Wow, Alfred you can work miracles!" He said in awe. Alfred gave a modest shrug and Dick left the room shaking his head.
Alfred turned back to his book and realized that he had just fudged on the whole truth. That is, that he had lied—again.
"Oh, bother!" He muttered. "One of these days, one of these days . . ."
The next time Barbara came over, she tried to work the word "Chihuahua" into as many conversations as possible which amused Dick to no end as he realized that the inside joke had something to do with Alfred.
Barbara, however, would never tell him what the joke was all about. Perhaps it was better that way.
Author's Note: See? How goofy is this story? I hope it is at least good goofy. Let me know!
Advice, and (gentle) [be nice please! :}] criticism, would be appreciated. Or a haiku if you feel like one.