It hurts, this depression. No one knows I am suffering, I smile and laugh when they are around, when they are gone I feel the emptiness of my life. Now she's gone it all seems pointless, saving the world when she's no longer in it, what is there really for me to save.
I can feel the blade in my hand, I can remember the times I've been here before, each time I've had more to drink just to get it over with. Each time pulling out of it like a sissy, not this time though. I can feel the tip against my wrist as I push against it, I pull it slowly across waiting for the pain that fails to come. The red fascinates me as it drips on the floor, there's a noise that doesn't quite fit with the dripping, not that I'm worried soon I'll see her smile again, if she smiles. Would she like what I've done to be with her, would she want me to be with her this way or would she reject me.
I felt the large arms surround me and the ground disappearing from beneath me, there's shouting but I can feel myself slipping away the darkness at the edge of my sight starting to take over. I can feel the hand closing over my wrist,
"TONY, TONY STAY WITH ME. FOCUS ON MY VOICE" I look to his face and try to keep my eyes open but they feel so heavy, I can see we've left the workshop, but where we are isn't important, I won't be here much longer. I shut my eyes and feel him jostle me
"KEEP THOSE OPEN TONY" I try to open them but I can't they're just too heavy, I want to look at him, tell him I'm scared, that I changed my mind. I want to stay, the darkness is coming too quick, it's no longer enticing, but it keeps coming and I can't stop it, his voice is there but it's distant, there are more voices but they're further away, becoming quieter until there's nothing, no noise at all. Just me and the stifling darkness.
I heard the beeping, I slowly opened my eyes and the lights burnt, I recoiled slightly in pain and felt the hand grab my shoulder. Steve's face appeared in my line of sight, worry and relief in his eyes, "Don't move" I nodded and he disappeared out my sight, his hand gone. I lifted my arm and felt the weight at my wrist, I looked down to see the cast, why the cast, it was just a cut. I went to touch it but a hand grabbed mine,
"Why'd you do it?" I dropped my hands and closed my eyes, "Tell me Tony"
"She's gone, I tried so hard to carry on, but she isn't here, Steve" I could hear my voice cracking, I tightened my eyes to keep the tears from spilling, "I just wanted to see her, but she wasn't there. She's left me and she can't come back, I just needed to see her smile again" I felt the traitorous tear escape, I quickly wiped it away, "Why have I got a cast?" I looked at him and he coughed,
"Well when I grabbed your wrist to stem the bleeding, I sort of gripped it too tightly and fractured your wrist" he sighed as I looked back at the cast, "Why didn't you talk to me, to any of us?"
"It wouldn't bring her back so why bother" I looked at him,
"We could have helped"
"How, you can't bring her back. Even this," I thrust my wrist in the air and let it fall back to the bed, "didn't let me see her again, so how could you have helped" tears were running down my cheeks but I didn't care anymore,
"You could have talked about it, let us know that it had affected you so much. We could have helped you see that this wasn't going to help" I heard the door open and quickly wiped my cheeks,
"I'm sorry Mr Rogers but you should leave him to get some rest. You can visit him again tomorrow" I heard him take a deep breath, his hand rested in my shoulder,
"Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone" I looked at his hand and he slowly removed it, "I mean it Tony, nothing stupid" I looked back to my injured wrist then at him and put on the best grin I could, my head starting to feel fuzzy,
"Nothing stupid" he gave a brief smile and I watched him leave, the nurse following him shortly after. I felt my eyes get heavier and I closed them, giving in to the sleep claiming me.
I'm finally allowed to get out that boring medical room, Steve had visited each day. Many times he had asked me to talk to him about it, only the last couple of times did he keep from mentioning it. His company was nice, it kept me from thinking about her, about what I had done. I waited for the lift a nurse with me, no doubt the good captains order for me not to be left alone has already started. The lift opened and there he was a worried look on his face quickly covered with a smile as he saw me,
"I've got him from here" the nurse nodded and left, I raised an eyebrow and got in the lift shaking my head,
"I'm not a child, I can catch a lift on my own. I've done it for years" his smile was still in place but it didn't reach his eyes,
"Sometimes Tony you act like a child, so it's best we don't take any chances" the list doors opened and I quickly got out, heading towards the lounge. The room was empty, not even Thor sitting in there watching a movie,
"Where is everyone, I would have thought they would want to see me. I am after all the highlight of everyone's day" I headed to the bar and he grabbed my arm,
"No drinks" I shrugged his arm off and carried on, I grabbed a glass, "I'm serious Tony, no alcohol" I narrowed my eyes at him as I pulled the chocolate milk out the fridge and gave a smug smile,
"No worries Cap. So where are the guys?" he watched as I poured the milk and went to sit on the couch,
"Thor is still on Asgard, Bruce went to help with a viral outbreak, Clint and Natasha are on SHIELD business" I snorted as I flicked through the channels stopping at a cartoon,
"Explains why they didn't visit" I put my drink on the coffee table, Steve sat in the chair and stared at me, I tried focusing on the cartoon but his gaze was extremely off putting, "something wrong Cap?" I looked at him and his smile was gone replaced with a frown, his head resting on his fist as he sat back in the chair,
"You're going to have to talk about it, you can't keep putting it off" I threw myself back in the chair and glared at the screen, it went black and I turned my glare to Steve, "I let it go the last few times to let you think about it but I'm not giving in anymore, you're going to talk to me"
"What does it matter. I failed and I'm not going to try it again, so from what I can tell there's nothing to talk about"
"Well I think there is, you made us all think you were coping with Peppers death, when quite clearly you were struggling. For all I know you're still struggling with it. You were willing to leave the team instead of talking to someone about it, even if you went to see a counsellor or some other professional, but no, you had to be you and keep everything bottled up until it ate away at you" he rubbed his forehead, as I looked at him in surprise,
"What do you want me to say? I'm sorry I don't feel the need to talk about my emotions to a bloody stranger in the hopes that I feel a little better. Well I am so sorry that not everyone thinks the same as the perfect Captain America, that I try and cope on my own because the only other person that I would normally have to help me with this can't help me because she died. She died and I didn't know what to do so I carried on as usual, just hoping that it would get easier to ignore and carry on playing the fucking hero that couldn't even help her"
"If that's how you felt why couldn't you just tell someone you know or trusted. You aren't the only person that was affected by her death, she was a close friend to us all." he sighed, "You can't carry on like this Tony, you have to accept what happened. I understand how much she meant to you and I want to help but I can't if you don't try to help yourself"
"Why would you want to help, we're not exactly close buddies. No doubt you only visited me due to your perfect little moral compass and to prove you're the perfect person to be the precious Captain America. So don't try and pretend you care about my fucking well being" I watched him cringe in pain just as he glared angrily at me, his voice was barely above a whisper and was filled with hate,
"Maybe I do care Tony, maybe I thought we had grown close enough to be friends, more fool me. If you want to wallow in self pity I wont stop you, but if you ever cared for anyone then get some help, because I can't watch you destroy yourself" he got up and left the lounge. I continued staring at the chair he had been occupying, his words running round my head. Sure we still had our banter but it was always in jest from both sides, it had grown easier being in his company, he didn't have any expectations of me other than doing my best as Iron Man. I kicked the table and left for my workshop.
I was playing around with a few ideas for a new suit that could reach lower depths of water,
Sir, Mr Rogers would like access, I snorted, shall I tell him you are busy
"You can tell him whatever the fuck you like" it's not like you actually listen to me. I scrapped the idea and started rotating a wrench between my fingers as the door opened, "What you here for Cap" a plate landed next to me, I looked at it seeing it had a sandwich,
"You need to eat" I put down the wrench and lifted the top layer of bread, ham and mustard, I grabbed the half and took a bite, and looked at him. I raised the sandwich,
"Thanks" he shrugged and went to leave, "Wait!" he turned looking slightly surprised, "I, err, I wanted to apologise, you know f-for earlier. I didn't mean to say we weren't friends, I was just ranting, talking about-" I cleared my throat, "well thinking about Pepper is hard enough, I don't think I can take talking about what happened just yet" he nodded and went to leave again, "but," he turned back to me, "I'll try to, you know, talk about it with someone. I just need more time" he smiled slightly at me,
"That's all I'm asking you to do" I gave him a weak smile, "What were you up to?"
"Just playing around with an idea, nothing really important. You?" I looked at his sweats and wanted to quick myself for asking the obvious,
"Exercising, dinner will be ready at seven. Are you going to eat it down here?" I turned back to the computer,
"I'll come up, JARVIS set an alarm"
Yes sir. I heard Steve leave and I took another bite of the sandwich.
Sir, you should be leaving for dinner now, I smacked my head on the lamp as I went to get up,
"Ah fuck. Yeah alright JARVIS, thanks for that"
No problem sir. His tone held the sarcasm that was practically always present these days, I scowled as I stomped to the door,
"Drop the sarcasm or I'll reprogram you to be a coffee machine"
What ever you say sir. I rolled my eyes as I walked to the lift, punching the button and wiping my hands on my jeans.
I saw Steve putting the food on the plates as I walked into the kitchen, he looked up,
"You're here?!" I threw my arms open and smiled,
"As promised, one billionaire for your dining pleasure" I noticed that he was only serving up two plates, "Just the two of us?"
"The others aren't back yet. It's not a problem is it?" I shrugged as he carried the plates to the table,
"Should it be?" I sat down, "Smells brilliant, what is it?"
"Parma-wrapped roasted chicken with Mediterranean vegetables" he brought over a couple of wine glasses and a bottle of Viognier. The dinner was fairly silent as we ate, barely looking at each other, smiling if we did. The food was delicious and the choice of wine was excellent, I went to take my plate to the kitchen but Steve took it from me,
"Would you like dessert, it's Lingonparon with Chateau de Rolland Cru Bourgeois" he took the wine from the table,
"Sure, sounds good" he brought over two delicious looking desserts and a new bottle of wine with fresh glasses. We started eating and the silence crept in,
"Where did you learn to cook?" he looked up, surprised that I had spoken, I pointed to the food and raised an eyebrow,
"When I'm at my home, I spend a bit of time trying different recipes. It keeps my mind occupied so I don't think about the past" he gave sad smile before taking another mouthful,
"Do you wish you hadn't been frozen?" he took a sip of wine and looked at me,
"Honestly? I've thought about it, but now I can truly say I'm happy with how life has turned out. Before I didn't really have the friends apart from Bucky, sure Penny was there, and it killed me to not be able to be with her but now I have a group of people who I can actually call friends, that I can count on when I need to. So no, I don't wish I hadn't been frozen, I mean, everything happens for a reason, we just can't always see the reason straight away" the silence fell again, but it was a comfortable silence, nothing needed to be said between us. He knew I was mulling over what he said, applying his outlook on things to my life.
I could hear him in the kitchen washing up the plates as I sat staring at the table. There had been something niggling at the back of my mind throughout the whole meal. I went and stood next to him, grabbing a tea towel, and started drying the dishes,
"Steve?" he passed me a plate, picking up another at the same time,
"Hmm?" I started drying the plate,
"Why did you cook that meal?" he shrugged his shoulders,
"I had some spare time, and I didn't really feel like ordering take-out" he passed me the plate and grabbed a glass,
"Yeah, but why that meal" he fumbled with the glass slightly, I looked up at him to see a faint blush on his cheeks,
"JARVIS suggested it from the ingredients you had. He can be very helpful, I wasn't sure what I was going to make, so you know, I asked for a suggestion and err, that, that's what he gave" he handed me the glass before grabbing a tea towel and drying the items he had washed before I came to help,
"Oh, well it was very, nice. Did he help you chose the wines as well?" he nodded, we dried the last couple of items in what I felt was an awkward silence. He wouldn't look directly at me, when he started putting things away I struggled trying to carry a couple of dishes with the stupid cast on my wrist. Steve went to take them off me just as I lost my grip on them and they fell to the floor,
"Fuck, Steve, I'm sorry. This fucking cast, I should have left it" I went to move,
"No don't move! You'll step on the shards, wait there" I grabbed a dustpan and brush from the cupboard under the sink, "I don't know why you're apologising to me, they're your dishes, and if I hadn't fractured your wrist then you wouldn't be wearing the cast" he swept the last of the shards onto the pan, as I went to move he grabbed my shin, "Not yet, I need to quickly wipe over the floor, get all the tiny little bits up" I gave him a disbelieving look,
"Seriously Cap, there's nothing there. You swept it all up already" he went to the sink and damped a cloth, before coming back and wiping over the floor,
"It's the really small pieces you can't get when sweeping, and as you can't see them you stand on them and they get embedded in your feet." he stood up and smiled at me, "You can walk without risk of injury now"
"My hero, how did I ever survive without you around to save me from hurting myself" I saw the pain flicker across his face before he turned to chuck the cloth in the bin and empty the dust pan, "Oh fuck. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking. I didn't mean about, well about this" I threw my wrist in the air. He put the dustpan and brush back in the cupboard and leant against the side facing me,
"I know you didn't. I just wish you hadn't done that in the first place" he folded his arms,
"I wish I hadn't, I'm glad I failed" I gave a short exhale of laughter, "Me, glad I failed, who would have thought" he looked like he wanted to smile but he didn't lose his patented serious face, "It wasn't what I wanted, I thought it was. I thought I would be able to see her again but I didn't, there wasn't anything, and I got so scared. I wanted to undo it, not straight away, at first it was as numbing as I felt but then I was overwhelmed, I couldn't do anything. I couldn't undo what I did and I was just so scared, and she wasn't there Steve, it was just darkness" I looked at him and saw the sympathy on his face, he walked towards me slowly,
"I thought about it once, soon after I was woken from the ice. I thought about everything I had lost, everything and everyone I knew was gone. It was just me on my own, surrounded by things and people I didn't know or understand. I was really close but I didn't do it, not because I was too perfect to, but because I thought about all the people from my past and what they would have said if the could have seen me sitting there thinking those thoughts. It didn't immediately remove the depression but it helped, gaining and understanding of what life was going to be like from then on, and of the people who are now my friends, that's what really helped me. When I was going to do it, a big part of what made me think about the people from my past before doing it, was because I was so scared, I wanted to know that they would be there waiting for me, to tell me I had made the right choice" he stood in front of me,
"So when I asked if you wish you hadn't been frozen, you lied?" he shook his head,
"I told you the truth. I no longer regret being frozen, I did once, but not anymore" I picked at the edge of the cast, "I know how you feel Tony, and I understand why, but I also know that it gets easier, you just need to give it time. You never truly forget the feelings, but you learn to accept what happened and move on" he lifted my chin with his thumb and forefinger, before I could ask how long it took him to move on I felt his lips touch mine. They were warm and soft, and only there for a fleeting moment before he had pulled away, I looked at him in surprise, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have, I should go" I grabbed his shoulders and pulled his face back to mine,
"Don't go" I crashed my lips against his, his hands rested on my waist as mine travelled up to grip his silky soft hair, I ran my tongue against his bottom lip and as he opened his mouth I thrust it in. He pulled us closer together as our tongues fought for dominance. I could feel my need for air increasing but I didn't want to break the kiss. He pulled away and we both gasped for air staring at each other,
"I never did say thank you," I smiled as he frowned in confusion, "for saving me from myself really" I pressed a chaste kiss to his lips, then rested my head on his shoulder, "Thank you" I felt his arms embrace me,
"Just never do it again, for me" I nodded and he turned and captured my lips once more.
THE END