Hold My Heart, a vampire knight fanfic

A\N: So, this song wouldn't leave me alone. It had to be done. Takes place right after Kaname, Yuki & Co. leave Cross Academy.

Vampire Knight (c) Matsuri Hino
Hold My Heart (c) 10th Avenue North (AMAZING SONG. GO LISTEN TO IT.)

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?

Get out of the house, Kaien had said. The fresh air and new surroundings would help, Kaien had said. The smell of blood wouldn't be so strong, Kaien had said.

And that was why Zero Kiryuu was standing outside of an old, abandoned church on the edge of town, wondering how he had gotten up here and what he thought he was doing.

Showing myself in a place like this? When I'm so tainted? I can't…

But for some reason… he moved towards the building, sliding his hand from his pocket and gripping the wooden door handle. Cold, winter air bit his fingers, tempting him to return it to his pocket and just leave.

How long must I wait, must I wait for You?

No. He had to go in. He had to do something with himself—and for just a few moments, he had to stop thinking about her.

He gave the door a light tug, which did absolutely nothing, and then began to pull a little harder. Still nothing happened, and he removed his other hand from the warmth of his pocket and grabbed the oblong handle, bracing his feet against the cracked cement and pulling with all of his strength.

How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?

Zero released the door and doubled over, panting. He was so tired, and the bloodlust in his body was running rampant… was it worth it? A vampire, an outcast, a dirty and used hoodlum looking for solace in a church of all places. Breaking in to get to it, no less!

Zero grit his teeth, eyes burning as tears of frustration began to glaze over his orchid irises. Was a door really going to make him cry? No. But it might have been the final straw. The straw that broke the camel's back.

He took hold of the door again and gave it a final jerk, tumbling back onto the muddy earth as the entrance opened up.

He shook his head, rubbing the sore spot at the very back, and slowly got to his feet, walking into the sanctuary slowly, silently.

It was dark and dusty, obviously not used in years. Vines grew around the shattered windows, and cobwebs glistened when the sunlight hit them. The building was mostly dark except for the natural light streaming in, on particularly bright ray piercing through the dust and soot and shining on a wooden cross standing upright at the front of the church.

I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

Zero walked towards it slowly, sliding his hands back into his pockets. Dust swirled around his ankles, almost returning to the ground before his coat swept it back up again. The floorboards creaked beneath his feet, his muddy footprints staining the red carpet that blanketed the aisle.

With every step he got closer to the cross, the sign of salvation for so many people, and he felt himself aching. Angry—no, furious—at God, if he even believed there was one. What had he ever done to deserve the pain and torment he had gone through? It wasn't fair!

"God of Heaven, huh?" He grit his teeth, holding back the tears that threatened to burst forth. "If you're the God of Heaven, why did You put me through Hell?!" he shouted, hearing his voice echo off the walls and come back to hit him.

He fell to his knees, fingers digging into the scarlet fabric beneath him. "If You're such a good God… why are You letting me suffer like this? Did You forget about me?"
He bit his lip, head lowering as one tear slipped from his eyes.

Zero Kiryuu rarely showed weakness or emotion, and most of his life he had spent hiding behind the music. But he was entitled to a little bit of relief, wasn't he?

One tear in the driving rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

The tears came faster as images of his love, his Yuki, flashed through his mind, bringing with them the stinging pain of her absence. She was gone. Gone forever. Oh, sure, he could hunt down Yuki's body and see her that way, but the real Yuki, the Yuki he had grown up with, fallen in love with… that Yuki was gone. Dead. Never to return. That Yuki was a lie.

What could he have done?

He asked that every day of his life since her transformation. What if he had gotten there before Kaname? What if he hadn't left her alone in her room? What if he had taken her far away from the school? What if… what if…?

He screwed his eyes shut, another tear forcing its way out without his permission.

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye

There were so many what ifs… and so many whys. Why did it have to happen to Yuki? To Zero? Why did Kaname have to play him like that? Treat him like trash? Why did his parents have to die? Why did he have to become a Level D? Why did his brother betray him? Why did everyone he trusted eventually leave him naked and exposed in front of his worst enemies?

Maybe… Maybe it was just the way things had to be. He was stronger for it, wasn't he?

But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

And it had brought him to this place. This holy place… had God brought him here?

"Do You really think You could love something like me? Do You know what I've done?"

I know everything, child.

Zero slid his hand towards the pedestal before him, fingers brushing over the splintering wood to the smooth, cool surface of the cross, his hand stopping at the base.

Tears splattered onto the wood, the crying slipping into an audible sound as he pulled himself to the cross, pressing his mouth against the cold face, his fangs calming instantly and relief flooding through him.

The hunger was so painful. The burning, aching, consuming hole inside of him. He was alone, so alone, it was just him. Him and his monsters.

What did he do now? Where could he run? Who could he trust? What did he do? How did he live? Why did he want to try? Why did he have to try? Wouldn't it be easier to just give up?

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

"I don't know what to do," he sobbed, cursing himself for the pathetic weakness he was allowing himself to fall into.

If you always knew what to do, wouldn't you be Me?

"I'm so lost…" he gasped, hands moving higher on the sculpture.

I can find you.

"I'm so filthy…" He moved his mouth away, the cold sensation completely gone, and leaned forward, hugging the cross.

I can cleanse you.

"I desire blood! Of all the disgusting…" He grit his teeth, hunger pains searing through his gut.

My blood is the blood that will save you.

"I'm unlovable…"

I am love.

"You don't know what I've done…" He shook as a cold grip took hold of his body, shaking him, telling him to leave. He never should have come in here! Not with everything he had on his track record!

I forgave you before you even sinned.

"I'm not worthy…" he cried, biting his lip.

Such arrogance, Zero. Do not tell the God of the Universe who He should deem worthy.

"I'm unwanted." Who had ever wanted him, after all? His brother? Kaname? The vampires? The Hutner's Association? He was everyone's problem!

I want you and have called you as My own. I died for you, Zero.

"I'm guilty."

I paid the price.

"I'm broken."

I can fix you.

"I'm scared."

Fear not, for I am with you.

"I'm alone."

I will never leave you or forsake you.

"I'm a mistake."

I knew you before you were born. I knit you together in your mother's womb.

"I can't do this!"

No, you can't. But I can.

"But…" Zero stopped, sobs racking his body. Screams echoed through the church. Screams of agony, hate, guilt, regret, loneliness, shame, fear, anger… pain.

"Jesus… save me."

"So it's true?"

Yagari nodded his head, sucking the end of his cigarette and pointing towards the old building behind him. "Yup. The hunger got to be too much, and his body failed him."

Kaien sighed, biting his lip and staring into the ground. "I never should have told him to leave."

Yagari was quiet for a moment, taking another drag before speaking softly. "He's curled up at the foot of the cross."

Kaien looked up at him, fighting off tears. "What's your point?"

Yagari shrugged his shoulders, looking off into the distance. He cleared his throat, doing his best to convince the ex-hunter he was not emotionally overcome. "I don't know… just go look."

Kaien shook his head, looking away. "I can't."

Tires screeched and a limo came to a stop several yards away. Yuki stumbled out, crying openly as she ran towards the scene. "Where is he?" she cried, looking around frantically as the other vampires approached the scene.

Kaname put his hands on her shoulders, trying to calm her. "I'm sure they're conducting an investigation, Yuki, and we should let them—"

"Where is he?" she screamed again, grabbing Yagari by the shirtfront and pulling him down to her level.

Yagari jumped slightly before pointing to the church. "He's in there."

"Yuki, you'll make yourself more upset," Kaname said quietly, trying to pull her away. "We'll see him at the funeral, alright? I will personally cover all of the costs and we'll buy him a nice headstone. Right next to his parents and his brother… the way he would want it."

Yuki pushed his hand off and ran towards the church, still wiping her eyes furiously. Yagari turned to Kaien and grabbed his arm.

"If she's going to see, so are you."

"Yagari—"

Yagari ignored him and began dragging the man into the building, the other vampires following silently, unsure of what to do.

They entered the church, walking up to the cross, where Yuki knelt over Zero's body, crying into her palms and shaking her head. Kaname knelt behind her, hugging her warmly and looking at the body with curious eyes. Like perhaps he regretted never truly seeing this boy for what he was. Aido crept up silently, having never really cared for nor despised the person in question. Maybe now he wished he had gotten to know him a little better. Akatsuki, Ruka, Yagari, and Kaien all joined the little semi-circle, staring down at the young man, almost every eye brimmed with tears.

There were many observations to be made about Zero. The somewhat curled position his body held, or the blood on his mouth from when his internal organs had ruptured, sending blood and fluids up his throat. The way his hand still clung to the base of the cross, or the fact that his skin looked so pale, even against his messy silver hair.

But no one paid much attention to those features. They all made note of one, very small, yet somehow amazingly huge object. It was Kaien who voiced it, understanding what Yagari had wanted him to see and feeling grateful that the older man had forced him to come inside. And that one little thing somehow gave them all peace about his passing, placing a small glimmer of hope in the heart of every indiviual present.

"He's smiling."

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart...