As Long As It's About Me
As Long As It's About Me
The title has nothing to do with the story, honestly. I was listening to Fall Out Boy when I wrote this, and...yeah. xD Just some drabbles about Basil and Olivia. Yes, it's romance. And Olivia will be a child in some of them. Which means, yeah, Basil's a pedo. Say what you like; I don't care. :D I loved this pairing since I was little (and had no idea what pedophilia was) and I guess it stuck.
I welcome flames and disapproval. :) Seriously. Flame away, if you want. I don't care. xD
Basil supposed it was his own fault, though he was still quite sore at Watson. It wasn't that he'd forgotten he had the book in his collection; he just hadn't ever assumed that Olivia would select that book out of his enormous library. Even if he had thought the situation would occur, he would've assumed she would take no interest and simply put it back. But that hadn't been the case.
Olivia was once again visiting her dear heroes, Basil of Baker Street and Dr. David Q. Dawson, while her father was away on a serious toy business trip. Basil and Dawson always looked forward to seeing the girl, as they had since their case with her five years previously; Basil even more so than Dawson, much to his own humiliation. With Basil's embarrassed self-hatred when Olivia came around, it was up to Dawson to keep Basil from locking himself in his bedroom with the weak alibi of not feeling well. After all, he knew about Basil's upsetting issue.
When Basil had managed to pull himself together for Olivia's arrival, he went to his library; Olivia would soon find him there.
And so he found himself scanning the spines of his books, searching for a good read, while Dawson sat comfortably in an armchair with Shakespeare in hand, and Olivia did the same as Basil a few shelves below to his right. Basil's library was Olivia's favorite place in the whole world, despite the fact that she didn't understand half their subjects. She would often discover a book she found interesting, ask Basil or Dawson briefly about it, and attempt to read it before putting it back and looking for something simpler.
But on this rainy night, that lilting Scottish voice asked, "What is this?" just like any other day. And as always, Basil couldn't muster up enough curiosity to turn his head to see what Olivia meant.
"Ask Dawson, Miss Flangerhanger…" he said absently, still reading the titles of the books in front of his.
"Whatever…"
His nonchalance vanished, however, the moment he heard Dawson read the title aloud, "Fetishism, Necrophilia, Pedophilia, and Other Paraphilias?" Basil's hand, hovering in the air to follow the spines with his finger, froze. "Good heavens, Olivia, where did you find this?"
"Just on the shelf with his other books," Olivia said innocently. Basil mechanically turned his head to look at Dawson, who held the book with an expression torn between amusement and disapproval. His gaze flickered to Basil's briefly, then back down at the book. Shame and mortification welled up inside Basil, not at the book, but at the question Dawson's glance held.
"Er, Basil?" Basil's face hardened; did Dawson dare to assume? "Why do you have this book?" He did dare! Basil could have died.
"I'm a detective, Doctor," he said stiffly. "I investigate crimes; some crimes involve criminals with rather unusual…eh, preferences." He paused, then, as casually as he could manage for Olivia but with enough emphasis for Dawson to understand, added, "The last time that book was needed was several years ago." More than five, I'll have you know! Basil turned back to his bookshelf, hoping it would close the conversation.
"What is necrophilia and pedophilia?" Olivia asked curiously.
Oh God. Basil made a started sound, like he was choking on his tongue. With a bit of effort, he cleared his throat and muttered uncomfortably, "Perhaps when you're older, Miss Flamchester…" Sure, the necrophilia he could explain with ease. The second one, however…
Basil imagined Olivia scowling adorably with her hands on her hips —as she always did when he mistakenly offended her— and couldn't look at her. He'd lose it. He heard her little scoff of annoyance.
"I'm thirteen years old, Basil; I think I can handle learning something new," she said tartly. "After the little birds and the bees talk with my father—" Basil cringed, "—I doubt anything else could be any more awkward."
How wrong you are, Olivia! Basil wanted to cry out. So dreadfully wrong! Wrong wrong wrong!
But he just made a noncommittal noise, and didn't explain the subject. He heard Olivia sigh.
"Dr. Dawson, will you tell me?"
Basil's head snapped around. Olivia had her back to him, and she was staring expectantly at Dawson. His expression was surprised and uneasy, and his eyes flashed to Basil's again. Basil didn't have the time to even twitch his head no before Dawson's gaze returned to Olivia. Would he tell her? Not about Basil's little problem personally, but the problem itself? He wouldn't!
"Erm, well…necrophilia is—ah, you're not one to get queasy easily, are you?" Dawson said.
"Not really."
"Good. Well, necrophilia is…well, you know about the birds and the bees…necrophilia is the sort of desire to…um, take part in those kinds of, er, intimate or romantic situations with…corpses."
"Eww!" Olivia squealed, horrified. "That is revolting! Do I even want to know what pedophilia is, then?"
Dawson chuckled mischievously, while Basil said, "You most certainly do not, Olivia, now why don't you find a different book—"
"Oh, come now, Basil!" Dawson said, still chortling gleefully in his chair. "Pedophilia isn't any worse than necrophilia, wouldn't you agree?"
Basil glared furiously at him. He was making jokes! Dawson dared to make jokes about Basil's issue! Basil knew Dawson highly disapproved of Basil's problem, but it wasn't like Basil had purposely sought Olivia out as the object of his affections! And now Dawson felt the need to poke fun at it? The nerve!
"Necrophilia may be the more disease-ridden paraphilia," Basil said through his teeth, his eyes shooting daggers at the now highly-amused Dawson, "but pedophilia is certainly the more morally offensive in some opinions." Including mine, you fool! Basil silently shouted. Believe it or not—I don't approve of my feelings!
"Of course, of course," Dawson tittered, his shoulders shaking with suppressed giggles of spite as he shook his head.
"Well, what's pedophilia, then?" Olivia asked suspiciously, glancing back and forth between the two mice. Basil glared at Dawson, his eyes saying, Don't you dare. After five years of living with the fellow, Basil and Dawson had developed quite the talent of silent communication. Basil knew Dawson could tell what he was trying to say. If Olivia knew what pedophilia was, then it would only be a matter of time before she put two and two together and figured out the whole dreadful problem Basil couldn't banish.
But Dawson, ever the cruel one, challenged Basil's stare with one of his own that read, Well, if you weren't a pedophile yourself then this wouldn't be an issue!
Basil ground his teeth together, his hands clenching into outraged fists, as Dawson leaned forward toward Olivia with another chuckle. Dawson struggled to compose himself.
"I'm sorry, Olivia, it really isn't funny," he said seriously. "Pedophilia is more or less the same thing as necrophilia, but instead of wanting to engage in those types of activities with corpses, it is wanting to do that with children." He looked at Basil with a smile. "Isn't that right, Basil?"
Basil gave him the most crippling death look he could manage before storming over to Dawson, snatching the book out of his hands, and stalking out of the library.
So, maybe Basil still supposed it was his own fault for being put in the situation. But as far as he was concerned, he completely and utterly blamed Dawson.
Author's Note: Hahaha. (-sings-) Basil is a pedophile, Basil is a pedophile!
Well…does it still count as pedophilia if an adult is in love with a minor? I mean, it's not like Basil wants to have sex with Olivia or anything (though, being the pedo he is, it has unwillingly crossed his mind…) he just…is romantically inclined towards her. xD Ha, I guess that's still pedophilia. Poor guy. At least he knows it's wrong and regrets his feelings. :3
FLAME AWAY, MY CHILDREN. (but I wouldn't mind some nice reviews from open-minded people D:)