Love and War and Snow
The scream that rang through the air with threatening words stopped him in his tracks. That voice he knew, shouting, "Don't you dare. You'll regret it, Ric, I swear. Please? Please don't…" And he stood still only because the words were laced with laughter.
He couldn't remember the last time he'd heard her laugh, just knew he missed the sound. Missed the off key singing, the smell of paint, the light in blue eyes, her voice screaming into the roaring wind, her arms wrapped tightly around his waist, her cheek on his back, the way she smiled after a ride. Missed his friend and the woman he maybe loved, but she was laughing as she ran from Ric Lancing, who was armed with a handful of snow.
Ric Lancing. A lying, raping rat bastard that he had never liked or trusted.
Sonny's brother and that was the only thing keeping him alive as he threatened Elizabeth with a snowball and a grin.
"Truce!" Elizabeth called as Ric took another step closer. On the docks, she was trapped between him and icy water and she still was laughing. "Come on, truce, I mean it."
"You better mean it cause next time I won't let it go so easily, Mrs. Lancing." Joining her in her laughter, he leaned down to kiss her before shaking snow out of his dark hair and onto her squealing form. Pulling her close, her husband kissed her again.
And that was still hard to swallow, her being married to him. After months and threats and barging into their home to see her paintings hanging on their walls. It burned his throat and pulled at something inside of him until he felt the undeniable urge to hit the wall.
Repeatedly.
Even as he stood there in the shadow of the ally watching her, wrapped in her husband's arms with snow in her hair and a smile on her lips, he felt the tugging, knew it was wrong because he was married now too. But it was there. And it hurt like a son of a bitch.
There were a hundred reasons to walk away now—to walk away five minutes ago—and maybe a handful of reasons to stay, but he didn't really have a choice because his feet refused to move. Black boots buried almost to the ankle in gray slush, and taking up root.
Elizabeth Webber-Lancing wrapped her arms around her husband's waist, tiny gloved hands wiping snow from an obvious sucker shot off his back as she stood on her tiptoes to press a kiss to his cheek. He watched as her red lips whispered her love and closed his eyes against the aching it caused in his chest.
When he opened them again, Ric was walking away as she stayed in place, waiting until the last possible moment to release her hand and that, at least, was something Jason understood all too well.
Walking away from the water, she glanced into the ally and even from ten feet away he caught her rolling her eyes. "What are you doing spying on us, Jason?"
Giving up, he stepped from the shadow he'd thought was concealing him. "I wasn't spying. I just… I heard you screaming, thought something might be wrong."
"Like you'd care?"
It was a cheap shot, hit below the belt and they both knew it. It was really hard to remember that they'd been friends when meetings like this kept happening. Hard to remember because of the coldness in her voice and the emptiness in his eyes. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and released it to keep from crossing the distance and shaking some sense into her.
"I'd care," he said finally. Care more than either of them would even really know.
"Ric wouldn't hurt me, Jason," she answered after a pause, her voice softer than before.
He took a step closer, tilted his head to get a better look at her when she dropped her head, to look at her feet, her hair falling into her face. It stung, but he nodded. Maybe just because she couldn't see. "I… uh, I heard you two adopted a baby. Congratulations."
"Thanks," she answered, looking up again with a wide smile. "We're still trying to decide what to call him. We went with Ric Jr. so now it's a toss up between RJ and JR for short. I didn't expect it, you know? Motherhood, I mean. Especially after… But Ric showed up with this beautiful baby boy, said that we could adopt him and give him a loving home that he wouldn't have otherwise… I fell in love with him at first sight of course. It's so amazing, Jason, that baby is my entire world."
He smiled sadly, nodding again in understanding though it nearly killed him to do so. "I know. I mean, I remember. I didn't even know how to hold Michael at first but…"
"Kids are easy to love, I guess." It was her turn to step closer. "I can't imagine having to give up RJ like you did Michael. I mean, I knew it had to hurt but I couldn't even begin to comprehend how much it must have until now. RJ isn't mine, but he is, you know?"
"Yeah, I know."
"Of course you do." She paused, bit her lip a moment before asking what was on her mind, "Does it hurt as bad now? Seeing him all the time? I mean, it must."
"Sometimes. He's not mine anymore, I know that. He didn't remember me when I came back to town, but… I still remember his doctor's phone number."
There was a sadness in her eyes as she walked forward a few more steps and brushed the snow off of the bench there before sitting. Tears blurred her vision as she starred out at the water, shivered and almost waited for something that she knew would never come. She didn't turn to make sure he was still there before talking to him, babbling almost because the quiet wasn't comfortable between them anymore. "I don't think I could do it, lose him, I mean. He's just so amazing, with little bitty fingers and toes and these dark eyes that just sparkle. He almost always stops crying when I pick up him or talk to him. He's going to call me mommy some day and he's the only person in the world that likes my singing-"
"I like your singing."
"-and I don't think that I'm strong enough to lose him," she went on, not hearing him. "I can't lose him, Jason."
"You're afraid you will."
"I've lost every other good thing in my life. It's something you come to expect."
Slowly, ever so slowly, he walked through the snow, salt crunching under his boots as he went toward her and sat on the other side of the bench. "You aren't happy," he said suddenly, because the reality of it shocked him.
"Yes, I am. That's what makes me nervous, bad things tend to happen when I get happy."
Not knowing how to respond, he just sat there, watched her watch the water and fight tears. It was new and old, sitting here listening to her talk of her problems, reminded him that he missed her, despite how often these talks tore his heart out. They'd done this countless times before, but it'd been so long he wasn't sure he remembered how to anymore. So much was different now. But one thing remained the same.
She babbled when the silence started to scream in her head. "I mean, let's look at my history, shall we? Lucky and I said vows right before the fire. I was thrilled when Lucky came back and he didn't want to have anything to do with me. We were going to get married when Gia finally decided to clue me in to the fact that he didn't love me. I thought I'd actually made some progress with you when everything went on with Sonny and you chose him and his family." Each reason was counted off on her fingers and she didn't pause at that one, didn't dare. "I was set to forgive Ric when Faith said he was going to propose—I was happy about it—only I get told, he's marrying Courtney. I was pregnant and married, and so happy when I lost the baby…"
"Elizabeth-"
"I-I'm sorry," she whispered, wiping away her tears. "I don't know why you've always had to listen to me breakdown, it was never fair to you and it's even more unfair now. You and I… We're not even friends anymore, we haven't been friends for a really long time. You have your life and marriage and I have mine and-"
"I'll always care about you. And I'll always decide what's fair to me."
"I was never a very good friend to you, Jason, I'm sorry for that."
He brushed her hair away from her cheek, reddened by the cold. "You saved my life—and Sonny's life—more than once. That means something. Especially since Carly only ever complicated my life in the name of friendship."
Elizabeth looked up suddenly, grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "Carly and I never got along… At all. But I was sorry to hear about her kidnapping and her death. I know that she meant a lot to you. I can only imagine what Sonny must be going through."
"He's taking it hard. But at least he has Michael and Courtney."
"What about you?"
"What?" Jason asked in confusion.
"How are you doing?" she asked, still smiling sadly. "You do have to deal with these things too… Unless it's not real again, of course."
He closed his eyes as her tone when from sympathetic to cold and her hand withdrew from his. Swallowed the hurt because he deserved it. "It's real this time. She's really gone. Before, with Sonny-"
Holding up a hand to stop him, she shook her head. "I've heard all the reasons he faked his death remember? Heard 'em on the news but… I just… I just want to know why you didn't trust me. You stayed in my studio and trusted that I wouldn't tell anyone, you let me help you after I found you in the snow that time when you'd been shot-"
"You wouldn't take no for an answer there."
"Fine, I forced you to stay on the couch in my studio and eat soup. But you still trusted me, remember? When did that change?"
"It didn't." Sighing, he dropped his eyes when she glared unbelievingly. "It didn't change, Elizabeth, I trusted you. But you had been kidnapped because of me and I didn't want to put you in anymore danger. The less you knew the better."
"I always trusted you to save me."
"I always will."
Blinking away tears, she broke their eye contact again. "Would you?" she whispered so quietly he barely heard. "Or would the gun be in my face instead of my husband's if something happened to Courtney and you decided to get revenge?"
"Elizabeth? If you think Ric is up to something-"
"I always think Ric is up to something," she interrupted, her voice harsh. "Do you think I don't ask him everytime something bad happens to Sonny if he had something to do with it? Don't you think we've fought about it? I always wonder, Jason, because I know my husband and I know he has lied before, and I know that it's only a matter of time before he lies again. Every word he says makes me wonder if it's the truth. It's always there. The threat of him wanting revenge on Sonny. Always."
"Why are you with him?" And he didn't mean to ask it, just had to know because she seemed so miserable that he couldn't understand it.
She glanced at him and then glanced away again. "He's my husband, Jason. I swore to spend my life with him. We have a child together, and he loves me. He wants me. I've never had that before. Never had something good that didn't seem seconds away from slipping out of my hands. We could live the big American dream, you know? White picket fence, two point five kids and a dog. He goes to museums with me and found a beautiful little boy for us to adopt when the pain of losing my baby made me have to force myself out of bed in the mornings."
"But you're not happy, Elizabeth. Just like you weren't happy with Lucky when you were modeling for Deception just because he wanted you too."
"I love him, and I love our baby so much… I am happy, Jason." Her eyes met his long enough for the tears to start burning again, and she set about pushing them away. "But there is always the fight with Sonny going on, even when he says it's not. Even when he doesn't do anything I wonder if he does. You and Sonny both automatically assume that he does, and I can't even blame you for it. And I know, I know that it's all going to fall apart because it always does. And I'm so afraid of losing RJ that…"
"Maybe it won't," he said, almost an empty assurance that he never used to give her, and it made it hard to him to breathe. "Maybe it won't fall apart. And even if it does-"
"RJ isn't mine. His biological parents could take him away…"
"You're afraid that Ric will take him away."
"Ric would never hurt me, Jason."
"Hasn't he? Isn't he?"
"I guess. I mean, the lies hurt, but it's not… He couldn't break me before. It hurt when he lied, and that whole Courtney thing… I wasn't completely in love with him, before RJ he could never break me. Not like Lucky did, not like y-" she cut herself off by take a deep breath, looked over to find him watching her. "I swore I wasn't going to give another man a chance to break me."
It was almost a confession, and it almost counted as one.
The question was asked with silence and answered in kind.
His wife bounded down the stairs and took his hand, shooting Elizabeth a dirty look as she did. "Hey, honey, what's going on?"
A tear fell unbidden down her cheek as she turned away again, standing up quickly and clutching the strap of her purse until her knuckles were white. "I should go. I have to run by the store and get formula and be home before Daddy and Me class is over because RJ likes a bottle when he gets home from playing with his daddy."
"Elizabeth-" He stood as well when she started to walk away, tore his hand from his wife's grip to follow the brunette. He stopped her after only a few steps, his hand on her upper arm turned her around to face him. "I-I would never hurt you. No matter what."
"Haven't you?" she asked, repeating his questions of her husband. Her gaze darted to Courtney then back him. "Aren't you?"
Elizabeth turned and walked away again and Jason let her.
"I can't be her angel now
It's not my place to hold her down
It's hard for me to take a stand
When I would take her any way I can
She comes and she goes like no one can
She comes and she goes she's slipping through my hands"
-John Mayer 'Neon'