Title: Fighting Evil with Evil is Useless Because True Evil Loses Anyways
Genre: Humor/Crack
Pairings: None.
Author's Note: In celebration of November 11, 2011.
Kagura hopped into her bed inside the closet and huddled into her blanket. "Oi, Useless Shin-kun! Turn off the lights!"
"Who're callin' Useless Shin-kun? This isn't Katekyo Babysitter Reborn!" Shouted Shinpachi.
"It doesn't matter, Useless Shin-kun," came Gintoki's bored voice. He was already huddled into his futon like he was clinging onto his life. "Close off the lights, and no one would call you that anymore…"
"Hey, that doesn't mean you have to use it too!" he shouted
"It'll be fine, Useless Shin-kun," Gintoki said. "Look, Tsunada Sawayoshi-kun was also a loser like you, but after he met his ultimate babysitter and got shot, got immediately got turned on! Listen, Shin-kun, you'll just have to do the same thing as Sawayoshi-kun did! You won't take Dobita-kun's place as the biggest anime loser in Dobaemon!"
"No one asked for your damn explanation!" Shinpachi hollered, but he simply sighed in defeat. "Then I'll turn the lights off now. Goodnight, Gin-san, Kagura-chan." He reached his hands for the switch.
"Yea, goodnight, Useless Shin-chan."
"Goodnights, Useless Four Eyes!"
"HEY! YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T CALL ME THAT ANYMORE!"
"Yea, he agreed that we won't call you Useless Shin-kun," Gintoki reasoned, turning to face Shinpachi in his futon.
"That's right!" Kagura shouted from her closet. "You're so picky, Useless Four Eyes! Now close the lights and go to bed! Kids shouldn't stay out so late! You're acting like a pathetic teenage boy who stayed up all night playing video games!"
"How did it go from a kid to a teenage boy?" Shinpachi said flatly. The two didn't respond, but he simply gave up and turned off the lights. He slipped into futon next to Gintoki and closed his eyes…
Kruuuuuhhh…kuuu….Kruuuuhh….kuuu….
Shinpachi twisted and turned in his bed.
KRRRRUUUUUHHHH….KUUUUUU…..KRRRRRUUUUUUUUHHHH….
He pulled the blanket over his head.
KRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH…
"THAT'S IT!" Shinpachi hollered as he ripped the blanket away from him. He angrily glared at the snoring silver-perm man with a terrible sleeping posture. His eyebrows twitched as Gintoki was snoring away so trifling like a car frozen on the snow.
"Gin-san," Shinpachi said as calmly as he could. "Please keep it quiet." In the darkness, Gintoki's silver hair sticks out like a sore thumb, so he could see that Gintoki actually responded and nodded. Miraculously, his snoring stopped.
Shinpachi, thinking it was safe to sleep, slipped back into his futon. Finally, he thought. I can sle-
Krrrruuuuuuhhh…kuuuu…Krrruuuuhhh….
His body twitched. Did he not hear him? Then what was that nod for then! Shinpachi pinched his nose. Fine, if that's how it is… Shinpachi pretended to snore so it overwhelmed Gintoki's…
KRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHH…KUUUUUUUUUUU…
WHY? WHY DID HIS SNORING GOT LOUDEEEEEEER! Shinpachi screamed inside his head as his jaws collapsed three feet into the ground. Shinpachi began to pretend snore again, and the moment he began…
Krrrruuuuhh…huuuuuu…Krrruuuuuhhh….huuu…aru…
Shinpachi stared off into the dark distance as he stares at Gintoki's snoring face. He was definitely snoring, but it's not matching his mouth rhythms. Why?
Shinpachi swifts his head towards the closet.
Krrruuuuhhh…huuu….Kaaaaahhh…puuu….aru.
Why? Why are your snoring sounding so much like a monster? Why are you still adding your -aru at the end, even when you're snoriiiinnnnnggg! Shinpachi squeezed his eyes shut as he listens to the two inharmonic snoring coming from both directions.
Krrruuuuhhh…kuuuu…KRUUUUHHH…KUUUUU…
Kruuuhh…huuu….KAAAAAAHHH…PUUUUU…aru.
KRRRUUUUUUHHHHHHHH…KUUUUUUU…
KRAAAAAAHHH…PUUUUUUU…aruaruaru…
KRRRUUUUHHHH…Kuuuu…gingingin…
KAAAAAHHHH…aruaruaruaru…
KRRRRRUUH…gingingingingingingin…
KAAAh…aruaruaruaruaruaruaruaruaru…
KRUH. Gingingingingingingin…
K. …Kagukagukagukagu...
...Gingingingigningingignign...
…Kagukagukagukagukagukagu...
Four-eyes finally snapped. "ARE YOU TWO ACTUALLY ASLEEP? YOU'RE JUST COMPETING, AREN'T YOOOOOUUU! YOU'RE NOT SNORING ANYMOOOOOORRREEE!"
The two were finally silenced.
Letting out a tired breath, Shinpachi rubbed his temples. "This is why you don't sleep over at this place…" he mumbled.
Gingingingingingin…
Kagukagukagukagukagukagu…
Gingingingingingingin…
Kagukagukagukagukagukagukagu…
"ARE YOU TWO RESONATING LIKE IN HEHOHO GUNSOU? YOU'RE NOT HERONIANS, YOU KOOOOWWW!"
Suddenly, he heard something at the window clank. He immediately directed his attention to the window, and saw two suspicious silhouettes. He prepared himself for an attack, but instead…
…he sees a giant duck-penguin creature.
"E-Elizabeth-san?"
Followed by Elizabeth was Zura, who had his eyes opened and staring straight at Shinpachi.
"K-Katsura-san? What're you both doing here?" Shinpachi asked. "It's late."
Katsura-san suddenly got up, Elizabeth's sign said.
"IT'S NOT ZURA, IT'S KATSURA!" He suddenly shouted. Then his eyes closed and he collapsed onto the floor snoring with a bubble on his nose. Elizabeth fell down as well.
"WHAT DID YOU TWO COME HERE FOR? YOU'RE SLEEP WALKING, AREN'T YOOOOUUU? AND HOW COME ELIZABETH'S STILL WRITING IF SHE'S SLEEPING WALKIIIIINNNNGGG!"
Gingingingin…
Kagukagukagu…
Katsukatsukatsu…
Elielielielelieli… read Elizabeth's sign all over.
Shinpachi couldn't even tell if he's dreaming anymore. "Katsura-san, what did you come here for?" Shinpachi muttered, but of course, he wasn't expecting an answer. He didn't need an answer. All he needed was to shout.
"FIRST, YOU WERE SNORING; NOW YOU'RE RESONATING LIKE HEHOHO GUNSOU! AND KATSURA-SAN WERE YOU CALLED BY THOSE TWO? YOU MUST BE CALLED BY THOSE TWOOOOOO! IS THERE A SECRET CODE IN THERE THAT CAN BE ONLY SENT TO THEIR COMRADEEEESSS?"
Suddenly, like a miracle, the main Shinsengumi cast came in.
"WHY ARE THE SHINSENGUMI HEEERRRREEE!"
Kondou fell onto the ground, with some teeth grinding, and mumbling out, Konkonkonkonkonkonkon…
Hijikata collapsed too, breathing up and down normally. However, he was muttering, Mayomayomayomayomayomayomayo…
Okita was fast asleep. Die Hijikata Die Hijikata Die Hijikata Die Hijikata Die Hijikata Die Hijikata…
"OOOOIIIIII! WHAT IS THIS, A HIGH SCHOOL REUNION OR SOMETHIIIINNNGGG! WHY ARE YOU ALL RESONATING TOGETHER! EVEN HEHOHO GUNSOU'S RESONATION IS BETTER THAN THIS CRAPPY OOOONNNEEE! AND OKITA-SAN'S SOUNDS LIKE A CURSE!"
Gingingingin…
Kagukagukagukagu…
Katsukatsukatsukatsu…
Elielielielielielielieli…
Konkonkonkonkonkon…
Mayomayomayomayo…
Die Hijikata Die Hijikata Die Hijikata…
His patience line snapped. Shinpachi started to burst out laughing. He's finally lost it. His sanity was finally lost.
Sh...Shinshinshinshinshin...
Gingingingingingingin…
Kagukagukagukagukagukagukagu…
Katsukatsukatsukatsukatsu…
Elielielielielielielielieli…
Konkonkonkonkonkonkonkonkon…
Mayomayomayomayomayomayomayo…
Die Hijikata Die Hijikata Die Hijikata Die Hijikata…
And so the night went on just like that, with Sadaharu covering his ears from the paranormal resonation.
The next day was a bright and sunny day.
Everyone was staring down at the fallen Shinpachi, who was mumbling out, shinshinshinshinshin…
"Oi, what do you think happened to him?" Gintoki asked.
"You think he was thinking about erotic stuff and got turned on like Sawayoshi-kun?" Kagura said casually.
Katsura shook his head. "I disagree, Leader. Shinpachi-kun must've been excited to join the Joui faction and was thinking about ways to get rid of that despicable Shinsengumi!"
"Of course not!" Kondou shouted. "Shinpachi-kun will be my brother-in-law soon! He's going to join the Shinsengumi when I retire and then take down the despicable Joui group!" Kondou turned around and was face-to-face with Katsura, the leader of the said Joui group.
They both stood still.
"KATSURAAAAA!" Okita immediately got out his giant bazooka. Swiftly, Katsura and Elizabeth jumped out of the window.
"HAHAHA! Shinsengumi, you're still a hundred years early to catch me, Lupin Katsura Koutarou!"
And Lupin Elizabeth II! Elizabeth's sign exclaimed.
"SOUGOU! SHOOT THEM!" ordered Hijikata pointing an angry finger at the two. "And what happened to Lupin Elizabeth I?" he added, but was ignored.
"Toshi! Sougou! Let's go!" The gorilla leader shouted and they jumped through the window chasing right after Katsura.
Gintoki and Kagura stared blankly at the cloud of dust they left behind.
"Oi, who do they think they are, barging into someone's house?"
"Adults have no manners these days!" Kagura exclaimed, crossing her arms.
"So what do we do with this four-eye right here?" Gintoki brought up, pointing at him.
"Just leave him there, Gin-chan," Kagura brushed off. "He'll get up soon by himself. Pachi is a big boy now. Let's go get breakfast, Gin-chan! Sadaharu is probably really hungry right now."
Gintoki nodded. "Yea, Sadaharu is a big boy now. We have some blue meat in the fridge; you think he'll eat it?"
"Blue meat? I want some too, Gin-chan! C'mon!"
"It's healthy!" Gintoki exclaimed with his dead eyes. "You see, blue meat has been here since Adam and Eve was here. It was taken from cows, and then what you do is leave it in the fridge, wait for a month, and then you see green stuff come out, and then another month later, the meat absorbs all the nutrients from those moldy green stuff and thus, it transforms into blue meat!"
And so the two walked away, talking about this blue meat, while leaving Shinpachi behind.
Shinshinshinshinshinshinshin…
His glasses cracked. Somewhere in the corner, you see a suspicious shadow that looks strangely similar to…Justaway?
Oh shit, it's coming closer. Wait, no…no…don't come any closer, wait, what's with that creepy laugh? H-Hold on, I-
End