The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any X-Men characters is watching TV somewhere. Just some madness from my mind so I can torture the Xavier Institute's resident headmaster. Even telepaths have problems. Especially when it comes to family.
Charles Xavier and The Family Crisis
"I can't believe we are doing this!" Scott was fuming as he sat in one of the mansion's conference rooms on the first floor. He was wearing his uniform. That was the only part of the current situation he was comfortable about.
"Scott this isn't the end of the world," Jean said. She was also in uniform along with Kurt, Kitty, and Bobby. "So we're having a strategy meeting with Magneto and the Brotherhood? You know we have a truce and the Professor is trying ways to get our two teams to work together peacefully."
"Why he is still trying I have no idea," Bobby shook his head. "I'm with Cyclops on this. This stinks!"
"Come on, Bobby. The Brotherhood hasn't attacked us in some time," Kurt said.
"That's because they got smarter and figured out that the best way to get us is annoy us," Bobby said. "And it's working!"
"Well this truce must be working because Pyro hasn't set anything on fire for a week," Jean pointed out.
"That we know of," Kitty pointed out.
"And they have been a lot less violent lately," Jean said.
"What about all their stupid little TV shows they throw on that cable channel hard up for cash?" Kitty asked.
"Technically those were non-violent," Kurt said. "Or at least they were until somebody decided to chase her ex-boyfriend around with a sword."
"This from the guy who attacked Quicksilver on air screaming 'Die you crazy maniac die'?" Kitty gave him a look.
"At least I didn't say it while waving a sword around!" Kurt snapped.
"And yet our group has become even more violent," Bobby quipped. "You seriously don't see a coincidence Jean? I'm telling you the Brotherhood are getting smarter."
"I will never get used to Magneto being anywhere near the mansion," Scott bristled. "The Brotherhood is a pain enough…"
"Scott please this is not helping," Jean sighed.
"How come Rogue gets out of this?" Kitty asked. "Or Wolverine?"
"Wolverine is on a mission with Storm to check on a possible recruit," Xavier said as he entered the room with Hank. "And since Rogue is already familiar with most of the Brotherhood I thought it was acceptable for her to be absent at this meeting."
"No seriously. Why is she not here?" Kitty gave him a look.
"She conned me into taking her spot," Bobby groaned.
"We agreed on only five students on each team for this meeting," Xavier shrugged.
"Still you let her get away with that?" Bobby asked.
"Quite frankly Bobby you haven't been paying that much attention during meetings," Xavier shrugged. "I was trying to think of a way to help you focus."
"And Rogue was trying to think of a way to get out of this," Scott said.
Bobby sighed. "Gotta give it to her. Guess the Brotherhood isn't the only one getting smarter."
"No Rogue was always smart," Kurt quipped. "You on the other hand…" Bobby gave him a look.
Magneto walked in with Lance, Fred, Pietro, Todd and Pyro in battle gear. "Hello Charles. X-Men. I'm glad we could come here for this meeting."
"I'll bet you are," Scott grumbled. Jean elbowed him hard in the ribs. "Ow!"
"Where's Wanda?" Bobby asked. "I mean shouldn't all of the Brotherhood be here?"
"Don't encourage them Iceman," Scott muttered under his breath. This earned him another hit to the ribs from Jean. "OW!"
"She's off running some errands," Pyro waved. "Or running someone over. Not really sure which."
"I'm just saying if Wanda was here then we could get Rogue and it would be all even," Bobby said.
"I gave Wanda a pass this time," Magneto gave him a look. "I felt she needed a break."
"From what?" Bobby asked.
"From us," Fred admitted.
"Don't look at me! All I have been doing is being extra nice to my sweetums!" Todd said. "I've been giving her flowers every day!"
"Yeah it's done wonders for her hay fever," Pietro snorted.
"I'm not the one stealing her makeup," Todd gave him a look.
"Not makeup! Just her skin cream! I'm out of my own supply and she hardly ever uses hers!" Pietro snapped.
"I hate my life…" Lance moaned.
"What time do we eat?" Fred raised his hand.
"What time do we burn things?" Pyro asked.
"Yeah this meeting is gonna be real productive," Scott groaned.
"So are we gonna watch TV or…?" Todd blinked.
"No we are not," Magneto gave Todd a glare.
"Why not? It would be more productive than this!" Bobby quipped.
Before anyone could make a comment on that, Xavier's cell phone rang. "Excuse me," Xavier took out his phone. "Hello? Gabrielle?" He was stunned to hear his ex-wife's voice on the phone.
"Oh good, the witch is back," Magneto drawled. "And for once I am not talking about Wanda. Or Mystique."
"Gabrielle now is not the time…" Xavier sighed into the phone. Several angry noises came out. "Gabrielle…Gabrielle…Gabrielle! Will you let me get a word in?"
"I don't know why he expects her to do it now. She never did before," Magneto grumbled.
"Gabrielle…Please will you…DAMN IT WOMAN WILLYOU LET ME SPEAK?" Xavier yelled in a very loud voice.
"Whoa…" Kitty blinked.
"That's Gabrielle all right," Magneto said. "I know it's a shock to hear Xavier talk like this but don't be so surprised. That woman could make Mother Theresa swear like a sailor and throw a punch like a championship boxer!"
"She's that annoying?" Todd asked. "More annoying than us?"
"Amazingly yes," Magneto gave Todd a look. "In fact when it comes to getting on Charles' nerves that woman is in a class by herself."
"You think she'd give us lessons?" Pyro asked innocently. Magneto and the other Brotherhood members gave him a look.
"Fine! You want to talk now? I'll talk now! I don't what the rush is," Xavier snapped into the phone. "You never once wanted to talk me these past sixteen years! And even after the incident you made it very clear I wasn't to contact you! But since it's soooo important that we talk now! I will! Let all my students and staff and guests hear me! They'll find everything out anyway!"
"Not to mention the Professor's yelling so loud you don't need hearing like Wolverine to know what's going on," Kurt whispered to the others.
"Uh maybe we should…" Hank gulped.
"Are you crazy? And miss some primo gossip here?" Pietro snickered.
"I agree. I'm interested as well as to what that harpy wants," Magneto growled in agreement.
"So what is so important that you had to talk to me now?" Xavier snapped. "Oh really? Really? Well I'm glad to see they arrived. Don't you dare ask me how I could do a thing like this to you! Because what you did to me is ten times worse!"
"Ooh, the plot thickens," Pietro grinned with glee.
"Gabrielle did you really think I would not sue for custody of our son?" Xavier snapped. "Especially after the failure you made in raising him!"
"Wait Xavier has a kid?" Pyro blinked.
"Oh right, you weren't with us then," Lance said. "Short version, Xavier's ex-wife didn't tell him she was pregnant with his son. Son grows up with powers, powers take over the kid and now the kid is missing."
"It was not exactly one of our better missions," Jean admitted.
"How comforting to know you guys screw things up too," Pietro remarked.
More angry shouts came from the phone. Xavier grew angry. "Oh you are putting the blame on me? Excuse me, maybe if you had told me that I had a child I would be involved in his life and would have been there when his powers started manifesting? I can't find every mutant on the globe with Cerebro! It's not that perfect!"
"Nice to know," Magneto remarked.
"Of course I've been looking for him! Every night I've been trying but no luck! He must have developed some incredible mental shields or…" Xavier began then paused as he listened. "Are you seriously accusing me of deliberately hiding our son from you? That's ridiculous!"
"Yeah! Xavier's not you!" Todd called out.
"I'm not you!" Xavier shouted. Then realized he had copied Todd's words. He gave Todd a look. Then turned his attention back to the phone. "What I meant was that I would never do to you, what you did to me!"
"Even though it would be pretty ironic if he did," Todd added.
"Even though it would be pretty ironic if I…" Xavier realized he did it again and gave Todd another look.
"Nice one," Pietro snickered to Todd.
"Gabrielle, unlike you I will not use our child as a weapon to hurt you like you hurt me!" Xavier turned his attention back to the phone. "Don't you dare throw that in my face! I was always there for you when it mattered in our marriage! I may not have been perfect but I always tried to put you first!"
"Still wasn't enough," Magneto remarked.
"I think I am very qualified to take care of David when I find him!" Xavier snapped. "That research I have been doing all these years will help him control his powers!"
"Ironically the very same research you've been dismissing you ill-mannered harpy," Magneto spoke.
"Yes the very same research you dismissed you ill mannered…" Xavier caught himself and gave Magneto a look. "Really Erik. You too?"
"Kind of hard for us not to comment," Todd spoke up. "You keep saying stuff that's so obvious."
Magneto nodded. "Toad does have a point."
"Will you stay out of this?" Xavier snapped. He went back to the phone. "No, not you. Yes Erik is here. What does that mean? Don't you dare bring that up again! He had nothing to do with the failure of our marriage!"
"Yeah lady that failure was all yours!" Pietro called out.
"What he said," Magneto nodded.
"Seems like Gabrielle is blaming everybody for this mess but herself," Todd called out.
"Toad's right! You are blaming everyone for this mess but yourself!" Xavier said. He didn't care anymore. "No, Toad is not one of my students! He's one of Erik's but he still has a point!"
"Probably the only reason he wants to work with us," Todd remarked. "So we can help him find his kid."
"That's a pretty astute thought Toad," Magneto gave him a look.
"Sorry it was the first thing that came into my head! I could be wrong!" Todd obviously didn't know what astute meant.
"No I meant…Never mind," Magneto sighed.
"I am doing everything I can to find our son while you are just…" Xavier began. "How do you think I know what you have been doing?"
"Ooh! I get it! The society pages! Am I right?" Fred called out.
"Yes, Fred the society pages," Xavier sighed. He spoke into the phone again. "No that's another one of Erik's charges. I told you I had guests here! I tried to warn you…"
"But you wouldn't listen," Todd said.
"But you wouldn't listen!" Xavier parroted.
"She probably never listened to him during the whole marriage," Fred remarked.
"You never listened to me during the entire marriage!" Xavier went on into the phone.
"And that's probably why the marriage failed," Todd said.
"And that is why our marriage failed!" Xavier copied.
"And that is why your kid is all screwed up," Todd went on.
"And that is why our son is all screwed up," Xavier added.
"And that's why he's stuck with Magneto's team so he can find him," Todd finished.
"And I wouldn't be stuck with Magneto's team trying to find him!" Xavier picked up the words again. He glared at Erik. "Will you do something about them?" He pointed to Todd and Fred.
"If he could don't you think he'd have done it already?" Todd blinked.
Magneto chuckled as Xavier made an annoyed sound. "Now I understand why you keep Toad around," He said to Pietro.
"Toad may not be much of a fighter but he's real good at insult wars when he's had his morning centipedes," Pietro nodded.
"That and the fact that he provides free pest control," Lance added.
"I will call you later," Xavier let out an angry breath into the phone. "I will. I will. I said I would didn't I? That was one incident! Gabrielle…Gabrielle…I said I will call you back! I mean it! I…She hung up on me! The lousy…"
"If I were you, I wouldn't call her back," Todd said.
"Toad don't you know that it's rude to make comments on other people's private calls?" Xavier glared at him.
"It is? Since when?" Todd asked.
"Never mind. I should have known better," Xavier rubbed his head trying to make the headache go away.
"What did you expect Charles? You kept pitching him fat ones," Magneto pointed.
"Yeah it was like the T-Ball of Burns," Todd nodded. "You just set it up on a stick and all I had to do was swing!"
"I have to admit he was better at it than I thought he'd be," Magneto shrugged. "And I never liked that woman so I enjoy any slight on her character. What there is of it."
"Seriously Xavier even Blob got in a few good shots," Pietro pointed to Fred. "What were you thinking?"
"Why didn't any of you say anything or do anything?" Xavier looked at Hank and his students.
"To be honest Charles it was like watching a train wreck," Hank said. "You couldn't look away."
"And the Brotherhood were kind of doing all the work for us," Kurt admitted.
"You were kind of making it easy for them," Kitty admitted.
"We just didn't want to be as rude as they were," Jean winced.
"I was just being entertained," Lance smirked.
Xavier looked at Scott. "Honestly I thought if they just annoyed you enough you'd kick them out," Scott admitted. "And then we could forget about this whole truce thing."
"Look in the future I would appreciate any of you to not listen in on my private conversations or make comments on them like you did just now," Xavier said.
"Well then why didn't you just use your telepathic whammy to exclude us from the conversation?" Todd asked.
"Because I…" Xavier stopped. "That's not important."
"You forgot didn't you?" Magneto chuckled. "Toad are you getting smarter?"
"Could be," Todd nodded. "I've been taking vitamins. At least I think they're vitamins."
"Can we get on with this or do we have to sit through more of That Toad Show?" Kitty groaned.
"Yes well, as Toad has correctly guessed, one of the reasons that I called for this meeting is for help in locating my missing son," Xavier sighed.
"Although we're not expecting much," Scott said. "But we just thought we'd cover all the bases."
"I understand," Magneto nodded.
"It's not you, but let's face it the Brotherhood couldn't find a hole in a golf course," Scott remarked.
"Yes we could!" Fred bristled. "I know because the other night Pietro stole a golf cart and as we were joyriding all over the golf course and we hit every single one! And a couple of small trees."
"Some team you've got," Scott smirked at Magneto. "Makes you proud doesn't it?"
"Did you have extra training to be so obnoxious or is this a talent you were born with?" Magneto glared at him.
"This from the man whose team makes stupid cracks all day," Scott glared.
"As opposed to the team that just sat by and did nothing, yes that is the lesser of two evils," Magneto glared at Scott. "And speaking of evil, what exactly did that witch of an ex-wife want Charles?"
"I take it you sent some kind of legal action in motion so when we do find your son we can keep him here legally?" Hank asked.
"You are correct," Xavier sighed. "To say she was not pleased was an understatement."
"I tell you Charles of all the mistakes and misjudgments you made in your life concerning humanity, your marriage was the worst!" Magneto grunted. "And believe me that list has some stiff competition on it."
"That was pretty cold of her to have your son and not tell you about him," Lance shook his head. "I can't think of anything a woman can do that's worse than that. Well any other woman that's not Kitty."
"Just what does that crack mean?" Kitty snapped.
"Shadowcat everyone in the entire state of New York knows what a disaster you two as a couple were," Magneto interrupted. "You know it. Avalanche knows it. We know it. The evening news knows it. But I doubt even you would hide Avalanche's child if by some stroke of bad luck you had gotten…"
"Don't say it! I'm gonna be sick!" Both Kitty and Lance shouted at the same time.
"Not that I ever did it with Lance but if I did, I would tell him I was pregnant even though he isn't exactly Mr. Responsible," Kitty huffed.
"And I would stick by her and my child even though she is a two timing jerk who ditches her own boyfriend to go on a date with another guy!" Lance said. "Especially because my child would need all the help he would get with Kitty as a mother."
"You mean she needs all the help she can get with you as a father," Kitty glared at him. "Irresponsible loser."
"Stuck up witch!" Lance glared at her.
"Stupid slob!" Kitty snarled.
"Uptight goody two shoes!" Lance snapped back.
"Slacker!" Kitty shouted.
"Sl-…" Lance began.
"ENOUGH!" Pietro yelled. "For God's sake I can't take any more of this!"
"Yeah the last thing we need to listen to is you two disasters going at it!" Bobby agreed.
"The nightmare called your relationship is over!" Fred pleaded. "Let it die!"
"Before we all die," Kurt moaned as he held his head. "I can't take this anymore!"
"We all can't take it anymore," Todd agreed. He looked at the X-Men. "Do you have any idea what we have to live with?"
"Night after night of him ranting about Kitty and how she ruined his life!" Pyro moaned.
"Well it can't be half as bad as listening to Kitty whine about how Lance ruined all her chances of snagging a decent guy in high school and how many dates she could have gone on!" Jean groaned.
"Dates she never would have gone on in the first place but she doesn't believe that!" Bobby groaned. "Like she's some freaking prima donna!"
"Lance says stuff like that too!" Todd said.
"You serious?" Bobby asked.
"Oh yeah he's always saying how he could have made out with any one of a number of cheerleaders!" Pietro waved. "Like I wasn't already dating them!"
"Yeah Toad got more action than Lance in high school!" Fred nodded. "And he was just thrown headfirst into the girl's locker by the jocks!"
"It was just dumb luck I fell on top of that one cheerleader wearing only a towel and a look of horror," Todd nodded. "Best black eye I ever got."
"Can we please get back to the subject at hand?" Xavier sighed. "As I was telling all of you before my son's powers are so great that he has succumbed to one of his alternate personalities. A malevolent being named Lucas with powers of not only telepathy, but telekinesis and some kind of pyrokinesis."
"Wait, this other personality's name is Lucas?" Fred asked.
"And he's a telekinetic as well as telepathic and makes fire?" Pyro was stunned.
"Yes," Xavier sighed. "I've been trying to track him down for months but I can't find him."
"Wait, does this Lucas guy have blond hair, a soul patch on his chin and speaks in a foreign accent?" Todd asked. "Kind of British?"
"Scottish actually," Xavier looked at him. "Why?"
"Dude! That's the guy! We've seen that guy!" Fred was stunned.
"It does sound like that guy doesn't it?" Todd nodded. "It could be him."
"Lucas? You've met Lucas?" Jean was stunned.
"Well we never met the guy," Fred told her. "Hey we didn't even know about the telepath thing."
"Only the telekinesis and the fire," Pyro said. "Although that would explain how he gets so many girls. And it explains the ending of the whole exploding hot tub incident."
"Hot tub incident?" Scott blinked. "What hot tub incident?"
"When did you see my son?" Xavier asked.
"Uh only every Thursday night for the past six months yo," Todd gave him a look. Everyone in the X-Men and Magneto looked puzzled. "From ten to eleven PM? With repeats on Saturday and Sunday?"
"Don't tell me none of you guys watch VTV?" Lance was surprised. "The Video Television Network?"
"Not since they stopped playing videos and went on to only show stupid reality shows," Hank admitted. "Wait are you saying…?"
"Yeah! He's Lucas on the Shore Thang!" Todd nodded.
"Shore Thang?" Xavier blinked. "Don't you mean Shore Thing?"
"No, Shore Thang!" Todd rolled his eyes. "As in, it's no big thang!"
"God the English Language is dissolving into mindless grunts by the day," Hank moaned. "Who knew that this once mighty lingual culture peaked during Shakespeare's time?"
"Not now, Beast," Jean said. "We already had this argument."
"Too many times," Scott agreed. "Let's get back to the reality show thing. Are you guys saying you think the Professor's son is on a reality show?"
"On a show called the Shore Thang?" Xavier was stunned.
"It's only the hottest reality show ever," Pietro rolled his eyes. "Geeze Xavier you really should keep up with current events!"
"Yeah pick up a magazine or something," Pyro nodded. "Get informed about the latest things going on in our world. You might learn something."
"I know, I heard it too," Xavier sighed as Hank made outraged squeaks of rage. "But right now we need to focus on Lucas.
"Wait are you saying Lucas on Shore Thang is the same Lucas that's the Professor's possessed son?" Kitty asked.
"How do you know this?" Hank asked.
"Because I watch TV," Kitty said.
"Why didn't you say anything before about Lucas?" Jean asked.
"I never saw Lucas! I wasn't on that mission! I was sick with Kurt's flu remember?" Kitty fumed. "And being totally mortified about Kurt teleporting me everywhere in my pajamas!"
"Oh right…" Kurt winced. "Now I remember!"
"And between that and Rogue's little meltdown and after that Apocalypse and all that stuff going on with school and Lance I was a bit preoccupied! Sue me!" Kitty snapped. "Besides I did mention Lucas in my report! So I wasn't totally…"
"Wait, report? What report?" Scott asked.
"The report I gave to the Professor two weeks ago on mutants in the media?" Kitty gave him a look. "Remember I was talking to all of you and telling you about all the fashions and things that were going on TV?"
"Uh…" Bobby blinked.
"Well uh…?" Scott blinked. "Jean do you remember…?"
"Not really," Jean admitted.
"You have to be more specific Kitty," Lance remarked. "We all tend to drift off and think of more interesting things when you're talking."
"Well in my report which I did on my own for the betterment of the group and not expecting any extra credit although it wouldn't hurt," Kitty made a face. "I wrote about all the different mutants portrayed in the media."
"There are mutants in the media?" Jean said.
"Well most of them are fictional," Kitty said. "Like that Alpha's show on the Sci Fi channel. That's obviously a rip off of us. And in a lot of cartoons there are mutants like the Galaxy Rangers with that Goose guy."
"I helped with that part," Kurt raised his hand. Everyone looked at him. "What? You know I love that show! And he's the most popular character on it!"
"I think I am starting to figure out the reason Rogue did not want to be here for this meeting," Magneto remarked.
"Yes much like Wanda's," Xavier gave him a look.
"But a few months ago the Shore Thang started its third season with a new cast member," Kitty went on. "Mostly because two of their old ones got arrested and are in jail and a third one is currently running for some government office."
"Why do I have the feeling that the political world just got more interesting?" Hank sighed. "And less educated."
"Anyway they introduced this mutant named only Lucas and he's got a real following already," Kitty said.
"Yeah he's already made out with all the female cast members and half the women on the Boardwalk," Todd nodded.
"And the fact that he gets free beer and helps his male friends score doesn't exactly hurt his popularity either," Pietro admitted.
"Wait how can a mutant be on TV and there was no media coverage?" Jean asked.
"No media coverage?" Todd was stunned. "Hello? It was on the cover of TV Guide Magazine!"
"Oh we don't get that," Kurt said. "We use that guide thing on the TV. You know where you go to one channel and it tells you what shows are on?"
"Well what about Entertainment Right Now?" Pietro asked. "Or Reality Show Magazine? Or People? What about Celebrity Digest? Or even Atlantic City Property Values Monthly?"
"Uh we don't have those…" Jean blinked.
"Oh for crying out loud! It was on all the major entertainment rags!" Pyro said. "I told you! Pick up a magazine! You might learn something about the world!"
"Well Pyro not everybody is as well read as us," Fred nodded.
Again Hank made a strangled noise. "Yes Hank I heard that too…" Xavier sighed.
"Uh for the record I read the People magazine article," Kitty held up her hand. "That was also in my report."
"I think Rogue is watching that show upstairs in the living room," Fred spoke up.
"How would you know that?" Scott asked sharply.
"Because when we came in she said to not disturb her because she was going to watch the Shore Thang marathon in the living room," Fred gave him a look. "That was kind of a big clue."
"Just walked right into that one didn't you Summers?" Lance smirked.
"At least my ex-girlfriend doesn't chase me around with swords!" Scott snapped.
"No, but it is an interesting thought to keep in mind," Jean gave Scott a look.
"I think it might be a good idea for us to move this discussion, such as it is upstairs," Magneto said.
"I knew we were going to watch TV today!" Todd said as he happily hopped out of the room.
"I don't believe this! It can't be him!" Xavier shook his head. "There is no way my own son could be on TV for months and I didn't know!"
"You would have if you read my report," Kitty gave him a look.
Shortly after the group walked into the living room. "What are you all doing here?" Rogue asked. She was on the couch watching TV. "I told you Brotherhood Bozos I didn't want to be disturbed!"
"Relax Rogue, they're with us," Kurt waved.
"Rogue are you watching a show called Shore Thang?" Xavier asked.
"Yeah it's coming on now," Rogue pointed. "There's a marathon on today."
"Is that the guy?" Todd pointed.
On the screen was a very familiar blonde Scott. "Being a mutant is a blast," Lucas smirked as he was obviously in a reality show confessional. "I know there are a lot of haters out there. But when you're as perfect as I am you have to expect a lot of jealousy."
"That is Lucas!" Scott said. "I'd know that smug voice anywhere!"
"And he's just as arrogant as ever," Jean bristled.
"Wait that's Lucas? Your Lucas?" Rogue asked Xavier.
"YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS TOO?" Xavier snapped.
"And you didn't say anything?" Scott asked.
"Okay first of all I assumed the Professor already knew about it," Rogue said. "There are a lot of mutant internet stars on that channel! Didn't Kitty give you that report?"
"That's not important," Xavier sighed. "Rogue how could you not know that that Lucas is the same Lucas that is one of the alternate personalities of my son?"
"Boy you know the dialog here is so much like a whacked out soap opera it is uncanny," Fred remarked. Todd, Lance, Pyro and Pietro nodded. Magneto made a shrug.
"How should I know what he looked like or what his powers were? I didn't go on that mission," Rogue said. "And I wasn't exactly involved in a lot of briefings during that time if you remember."
"Oh right. That was the whole Mystique turning into stone and then you smashing her into tiny bits but it turned out that Mystique was okay all of the sudden for some reason and then we had to fight her and Apocalypse thing," Todd nodded. "Yeah I remember that."
"I wasn't invited period," Bobby grumbled.
"Be glad you weren't," Scott groaned. He looked at the TV. "Whoa! What is he doing?"
"I think the better question is who is he doing?" Todd smirked. "Making out with a chick while floating above a roller disco is certainly an interesting move."
"Or float an entire keg of beer to feed a party of scantily clad skaters," Hank blinked.
"That is Lucas! That's my son and he's…WHAT IS HE DOING?" Xavier yelled.
"Not every day you see a guy telekinetically rip the bikini tops off of several girls at a time," Lance smirked. "Wow I had no idea telekinesis was so handy."
"Nothing but a whole room of girls wearing nothing but bikini bottoms," Bobby's jaw dropped.
"Some of them aren't even wearing bottoms," Kitty was stunned.
"Oh my stars and garters," Hank's jaw dropped.
"This is nothing," Todd shrugged. "You should see the unrated version they show on Show Me network."
"Yeah you can't see anything here," Pietro pointed. "They got pixels all over the good parts!"
"There are good parts in this piece of television trash?" Magneto asked.
"Rogue why are you watching this?" Jean asked.
"Mostly because I promised Kitty I would for her second report," Rogue shrugged. "Besides there's nothing else on."
"Over 800 channels on TV and you can't find anything better than this?" Hank pointed to the TV. He narrowed his eyes. "What is Lucas doing with that watermelon?"
"That is a rather disturbing usage for a piece of fruit," Magneto winced.
"Seriously Rogue why do you watch this?" Jean yelled as she watched what was going on the show.
"What? I can't have a guilty pleasure?" Rogue snapped. "I like it because it makes me feel better okay?"
"How does watching a bunch of drunken idiots running around in bathing suits make you feel better?" Jean didn't get it.
"It just does," Rogue growled.
"Because she doesn't wear bikinis and get drunk like the stupid girls on that show, therefore she feels superior to them," Fred rolled his eyes. "Mostly because of her powers but watching them act like fools takes some of the sting out of how rough her life is."
"How did you figure that out?" Rogue blinked.
"Because it's so freaking obvious! Duh!" Fred snorted.
"You've been reading that Psychology for Dummies book again haven't you Blob?" Lance asked.
"It's not so bad," Fred shrugged. "Starting to read about this young guy. Kind of interesting."
"Young guy?" Pietro said.
"Yeah the young guy. Talks a lot about dreams. Came after Freud," Fred nodded.
"Oh Jung guy," Hank nodded. "Karl Jung."
"Who's Carl and why did you say he was young?" Fred blinked. "What he's like Doogie Howser or something?"
"Okay I have something for my next therapy session," Hank sighed. "Can we go back to the topic at hand?"
"Sure. What was it?" Pyro blinked.
"The Professor's son," Scott snapped.
"What about the Professor's son?" Pyro asked.
"The Professor's son! On TV!" Scott pointed to the television. "There! The guy chugging a beer while telekinetically juggling five kegs at the same time!"
"That's your son?" Pyro asked the Professor. "Why didn't you tell us he was famous?"
"Pyro you have got to stop setting so many fires," Magneto groaned. "The smoke is killing off all your brain cells."
"I can't believe all this time Lucas has been on TV and we didn't even know it!" Scott decided it was best to press on.
"Well now we know," Xavier sighed.
"And knowing is a great reason to get an autograph book!" Fred spoke up. Everyone glared at him. "What?"
"We'd better prepare the X-Jet so we can go down there and get him," Xavier said.
"I would not advise that Charles," Magneto said. "At least not while there are so many cameras filming him."
"You mean a confrontation on camera might put the X-Men in a bad light?" Scott asked.
"That too," Magneto said. "I meant it might not be a good idea to announce to the world that you are the father of a drunken degenerate man whore."
"Yeah you guys got a bad enough rep as it is," Todd nodded.
"They've got a point Professor," Rogue admitted.
"How would it look if the guy who is famous for creating a school for mutants to train them to use their powers for good is revealed to be the father of the mutant who uses his powers to win drinking contests and pick up chicks?" Lance added.
"You don't have to be public relations expert to know that a bombshell like that will not be pretty," Todd shook his head.
"Not to mention Lucas wiped the floor with us the last time we had a run in with him," Scott grumbled. "And he wasn't even in complete control of his powers then."
"Oh sounds like this guy might not be so bad after all?" Lance smirked.
"I'm serious Alvers," Scott glared at him. "As much as I'd love to go down there and wipe the smirk off Lucas' face, a direct confrontation in front of all those cameras and people is a bad idea."
"Yeah I guess it would be a bad thing for the whole world to see your butts get kicked," Lance quipped.
"I just can't believe Lucas would pull a stunt like this," Hank said. "He had to have known that you would see this show."
"Eventually," Pietro added.
"I am afraid that is just what he was counting on," Xavier sighed. "He's either trying to bait me into an open confrontation on his terms or…"
"BLEECCCCHHHHHHHH!"
"Or soiling your family's name like he just soiled that tablecloth with his own vomit," Magneto winced.
"I can't believe this!" Jean was exasperated. "We can't just let him continue on like this!"
"Can't let a guy party, make out with a ton of chicks and have a good time," Pietro drawled. "Yeah I can see why that would annoy you!"
"On the bright side at least he's not plotting any world domination schemes or anything like that," Kitty said weakly.
"Oh yes that's a comfort," Xavier said dryly.
"Technically he's not committing any crimes or doing much damage," Jean said weakly. She looked at the show. "Okay what he's doing to that deck is definitely a lot of damage. And a crime…"
"He makes arson look like fun!" Pyro said cheerfully.
"You always think arson is fun!" Bobby snapped.
"Yeah but he's got a style about it," Pyro pointed to the TV.
"Hey can we go to Jersey?" Todd asked.
"NO!" Hank, Xavier, Magneto, Jean and Scott yelled at him.
"Why not?" Bobby asked.
"Yeah why not?" Kurt asked.
Just then Xavier's cell phone rang. "That can't be good," Xavier sighed as he picked it up to answer it. "Hello? Oh hello Gabrielle…"
"Gee I wonder what she's calling about?" Kitty rolled her eyes.
"What did you send her one of your reports too?" Lance remarked.
"Look I just found out…" Xavier spoke into the phone. "Don't you blame this on me! Well obviously this is an outlet for what was obviously a very strict upbringing! Well who else would I blame for his actions?"
"What is Lucas doing stealing a fire truck?" Scott blinked. "And why isn't he wearing any pants while doing it?"
"I didn't create this hedonistic personality!" Xavier snapped into the phone.
"Yeah all he did was let it out," Todd said.
"All I did was let it…Toad!" Xavier snapped. "Hold on Gabrielle! I need to take this into another room!" He wheeled out in anger.
"You know what? I don't think he's too happy we found his kid," Fred scratched his head.
"A very astute observation Blob," Hank sighed.
"I didn't think it was that bad," Todd remarked. Hank responded by letting out an anguished cry.
"Okay I see what he's doing with the fire engine," Scott said. "He needed the hose to fill up that guest house with water."
"Well how else are you going to have a Wet T-shirt Marco Polo contest in your living room?" Pyro asked.
"All right I think I should say this out loud," Magneto said. "I'm not going to approach Charles' son to join the Brotherhood."
"Yeah you have enough problems with your own crazy son," Lance grumbled under his breath.
"It's a shame. I think he'd fit right in with the Brotherhood," Todd shrugged.
"For once I agree with you," Scott groaned. "This means as we are speaking there's a snow blower outlet opening up in Hell."
"So are we going to Jersey or what?" Bobby asked. Scott and Jean glared at him. "To get Lucas?"
"Something tells me that trip is not in our near future," Hank said. "At least for those of you under the age of eighteen."
"GABRIELLE IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP AND LET ME TALK I SWEAR I WILL USE MY POWERS TO WIPE THAT MIND OF YOURS!" Xavier was heard screaming. "IF ONLY I COULD ERASE MY OWN MEMORIES OF THE NIGHTMARE THAT WAS OUR MARRIAGE!"
"I must admit this was a much more productive meeting than I anticipated," Magneto smirked at Xavier's displeasure.
"We should do this more often," Todd said brightly. All the X-Men glared at him.