The disclaimer saying that I don't own any GI Joe characters or Broadway songs has gone on a beer run. I can't even take full credit for this idea. Coldfusion 180 co-wrote this with me and gave me the parody of the song 'Be Back Soon' from Oliver. I just played around with it a bit and added some more Destro torture for fun! Enjoy!
Bring Back Booze
"All right," Destro sat at his desk in his rather less than glamorous office. "I think I might be able to get something done today. Get some new clients for arms dealing. Call some new contacts…"
FLACK!
"Get an interior decorator for my office," Destro grumbled as a piece of plaster fell on his metal plated head. He brushed off the plaster with distain. "And possibly locate someone who knows how to remove asbestos…"
CRUMBLE!
CRACK!
"What is going on up there?" Destro looked upwards as more pieces of plaster fell on him. "I know Cobra is forced to locate under a third rate fast food restaurant but this is getting ridiculous! What are Americans getting so overweight they're making cracks in the ground?"
He looked around the ramshackle office. "This is what my life has been reduced to. To think once I had an office inside a castle. And another on the top floor of a business office so lavishly decorated with gold Donald Trump would have been jealous. And now…Now I am forced to do my work in an office not even the cockroaches want to stay in."
He took a deep breath. "Destro…Focus. You are still Lord of McCullen Castle even though you don't get your mail there anymore. You are still the 157th Lord in a long line of disciplined and tough warriors and leaders. Why most of the lords before you didn't even have indoor plumbing and they still managed to conquer and become mighty leaders!"
FLUSH!
The sound of a toilet forced Destro to lift his eyes upward. "Although I must admit that there is not that much of a difference between their situation and mine…"
FLUSH!
CRACK!
"Don't tell me…" Destro winced as more plaster filtered down on his head. "Cobra Commander wouldn't have…"
FLUSH! FLUSH!
CRACK!
"He would," Destro moaned. "He did put my office underneath the rest rooms!"
CRAAAACCKKK!
"Oh dear," Destro blinked and then got up out of his seat. "I do not like the sound of that!"
CRASH!
WHOOOSH!
Destro moved just in time before the crack widened and a flood of water hit his chair where he had been sitting moments before. "HOW FAT ARE YOU OBESE HIPPOPOTTAMI GETTING?" Destro shouted to the ceiling. "WHAT NOW WE HAVE TO MAKE INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH TOILETS SO THEY CAN SUPPORT YOUR MASSIVE GIRTH?"
He looked at his ruined desk and the now steady leak pouring from the ceiling. "I have heard of toilet humor but this is beyond the pale," Destro closed his eyes and sighed.
Destro looked up at the ceiling again. "Is it too much to ask that I have one day without insanity? Or even a few hours of peace and quiet in this madhouse?"
"EMERGENCY! DESTRO! I NEED YOU!" Cobra Commander was heard screaming down the hall. "DESTRO! DESTRO! HELP! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! AN EMERGENCY I TELL YOU!"
"Apparently it is," Destro sighed and he left his office. "God what plague have you sent now to torment me?"
"NOOO! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" Cobra Commander's frantic screams ran throughout the hallways. "AGGGHH! EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! THIS IS AN EMERGENCY I TELL YOU!"
"What is it Cobra Commander?" Destro asked bursting into Cobra Commander's private office. "What is going on?"
"Destro! Thank the Great Serpent you're here!" Cobra Commander looked up from here he was frantically tearing through his desk. "The apocalypse is upon us! And for once that's not a good thing!"
"What is it?" Destro braced himself for the worse. "The Joes have discovered our location and are attacking? Mobilizing their forces to annihilate us at this very moment?"
"No…" Cobra Commander moaned.
"Our former clients and business associates have located our base and are attacking?" Destro tried again. "Mobilizing their forces to tear us all to pieces?"
"No."
"It's not the rogue ninja splinter group that has a grudge against us is it?" Destro asked.
"If it was do you think we'd be standing here?" Cobra Commander snapped. "No, it's not them! It's worse than that!"
"Our troops are staging a mutiny because they have finally had enough of risking their lives for no money and no health care?" Destro asked. "And that plan you had using Cobrabucks has completely collapsed?"
"No, the Cobrabucks system is still working," Cobra Commander admitted. "Still giving them fake money to later replace with real money at a later date has been working surprisingly smoothly. This means our remaining troops are either very loyal or very stupid. Possibly both. But that is not the crisis which we are facing."
"Okay then are our remaining stockpiles we have are about to spontaneously combust?" Destro asked.
"No!"
"Did one of Doctor Mindbender's experiments or dates escape from the lab again?" Destro blinked. "Actually now that I think about it lately they're one and the same…"
"No. He's trying online dating now," Cobra Commander moaned. "This is a real catastrophe!"
"The Dreadnoks are attempting to make dinner again?" Destro was confused.
"No! Worse!" Cobra Commander began to twitch uncontrollably. "I'm out of booze!"
"Come again?" Destro gave him a look.
"I'm completely out!" Cobra Commander threw up his hands in exasperation. "Every cabinet, refrigerator, hidden compartment, shelf and secret stash has been cleaned out! There isn't a drop of alcohol left in the entire base!"
"Oh dear, what a crisis," Destro said sarcastically. "And to think all I was worried about was my office flooding with toilet water, my valuable documents ruined and a fat person crashing through the ceiling and crushing my spine."
Cobra Commander slumped in his chair and held his head. "I even did the unspeakable and raided the Dreadnoks' rooms for any hidden stashes! There's nothing! Nothing!"
"A perfect definition for the contents of your head," Destro muttered.
"What was that?" Cobra Commander demanded as he looked up.
"I said you should expect contamination if you came into contact with their beds," Destro covered smoothly. "The Dreadnoks' living quarters are a breeding ground for all kinds of noxious diseases. In fact I think some of their diseases are capable of wiping out nearly half the infectious hazards known to man."
"Good point. I'll have to go sterilize myself later," Cobra Commander said. "We could probably grow some of those diseases they have and use them as biological weapons. Hmmmm…That's not a bad idea. I'll have to remember that. Right after I get some booze!"
"Commander do you really think a beer run is Cobra's top priority right now?" Destro gave him a look.
"First of all, it's not just beer," Cobra Commander held up his hand and counted. "It's also scotch, vodka, rum, gin, bourbon, and anything else I can get my hands on. And secondly I need the alcohol to kill any germs lingering in my mouth to get the taste of whatever germs were in the Dreadnoks' room! And I am going to need a lot of alcohol to kill the virulent strains of bacteria contaminating my system!"
"I doubt your liver feels the same way," Destro sighed. "Commander, remember what happened after you last drinking spree? The one where you were passed out for nearly two days and woke up surrounded by chickens?"
"Yes, and I'm still pulling out feathers from places I never even knew I had!" Cobra Commander exclaimed. "Converting that chicken coop into a live shooting gallery was one of the most brilliant things I've ever done."
"Considering your track record, I'd have to agree," Destro admitted.
"Not to mention the laser fire cooks the birds pretty well from the inside and it's made the food even tastier," Cobra Commander added.
"A herculean feat indeed," Destro sighed. "However, do you really think it is necessary for you to create even more opportunities to get drunk? You know that this action is only a temporary escape from the problems this organization has right?"
"Well duh!" How to do think I manage to cope with spending every waking moment around here?" Cobra Commander snapped. "Living beneath a cheap sleazy fast food restaurant is not the way I expected to spend any portion of my life! It never even entered the bottom one hundred ways I expected to spend my life!"
"You have a point," Destro sighed.
"Okay it's still better than going back to my ex-wife but seriously…" Cobra Commander sighed. "Any situation would be better than that! Even Hell would be a vacation from that vindictive bitch!"
"Considering how my relationship with the Baroness is going, I have to say I understand your sentiment," Destro agreed.
"Destro we're not talking about you! We're talking about me! God you are such a narcissist!" Cobra Commander snapped. "Other people have problems besides you, you know? And those other people are me!"
"Really? I don't see a flood of toilet water in your office!" Destro folded his arms.
"Spending my time in a drunk laden stupor is the only way I manage to get through the day," Cobra Commander spat. "Especially when I have to deal with your whining, a homicidal Baroness, the Dweedle Dumb Twins and their Blonde Bimbo of an Ex-Girlfriend, whatever genetic mess Mindbender has cooked up and the unending insanity caused by Zartan and his brainless bunch!"
"Hey Commander," Torch waved as the Dreadnoks casually entered the room.
"Speaking of which," Destro sighed. "Good timing Dreadnoks."
"Oh thanks. Hey Destro did you know that your office is flooded?" Buzzer asked.
"Yeah and it kind of smells funny," Ripper added.
"I am aware of the problem," Destro said drolly. "Is that why you are here?"
"No, we wanted to talk to the Commander about something," Ripper said. "Hey Snake Face, when are we gonna be let outta this joint?"
"Yeah," Monkeywrench agreed. "We've been cooped up in this underground rat trap for weeks!"
"Rat trap? This headquarters is so impoverished it aspires to be a rat trap!" Road Pig snorted using his Donald voice. "I have actually seen rat traps that are better furnished and equipped!"
"Yeah this place is a real d-dump!" Road Pig agreed. "Why do we g-gotta stay here?"
"Maybe because the last time you were out you ended up trashing Epcot and half of Disneyworld?" Destro glared at them.
"We did not!" Torch protested. "We only trashed a small part of Disneyworld! A dime!"
"Don't you mean a quarter?" Destro raised an eyebrow.
"That too!" Torch nodded. "Wait a dime plus a quarter…carry the twelve…Then add It's a Small World divided by Test Track...Gee. I guess we did trash half of Disneyworld after all!"
"Oh God…" Destro moaned. "Why have you forsaken me?"
"Because you're a stuck up jerk who cheats on his girlfriend even if she is a crazy witch?" Torch asked innocently. Destro glared at him. "Well you asked!"
"So whaddya say Commander?" Buzzer asked. "Can we go out for a while?"
"You know what Buzzer? Yes!" Cobra Commander turned to face them. "You can go out! By all means do so!"
"Yes, and don't be in any hurry to return," Destro remarked. "Go out for five…ten years. That should do nicely!"
"No, they have to come back Destro!" Cobra Commander snapped.
"This day just keeps getting better," Destro grumbled.
"Hooray! Yahoo!" The Dreadnoks cheered.
"That's divine!" Donald spoke before reverting to his other personality. "Y-Yeah! Let's g-go!"
"WAIT!" Cobra Commander held up one hand. "You can go, but on one condition!"
"I should have known there was a catch," Buzzer groaned.
"There always is," Ripper agreed.
"Okay Commander. What's the condition?" Monkeywrench sighed.
"I'll tell you. Listen up!" Cobra Commander ordered. Then he started to sing. "You can go but bring back booze. You can gout now but hurry! I'm about to break and cry! I can't stand being dry!"
"We can tell…" Destro winced at the singing.
"You can go but bring back booze! Make it quick and bring back plenty…" Cobra Commander ignored him and continued to give out orders. "Who…"
"STOP RIGHT THERE! Why are you singing?" Destro yelled.
"Because I'm stressed and out of alcohol!" Cobra Commander snapped. "And since the Twins have booked the target practice range for the next few hours to get over their frustration over being dumped by their bimbo ex-girlfriend I need to do something to get rid of this tension!"
"Yeah you really don't want to go down there," Torch shook his head. "They're not taking the breakup too well."
"Worse than the Commander breaking into song and losing his mind for lack of alcohol?" Destro asked, pointing his thumb at Cobra Commander.
"Oh yeah," Monkeywrench nodded.
"It's not a pretty sight down there," Donald sighed.
"Let's just say there's a lot of crying going on," Torch sighed. "A lot of crying!"
"Oh," Destro blinked. "So basically my choices are this insane Broadway rip off or a pair of psychotic co-dependent Corsican Brothers moping around with chickens and lasers?"
"They're also listening to Barry Manilow music," Buzzer added.
"Oh. Well in that case…" Destro looked at Cobra Commander. "Continue."
"Thanks," Cobra Commander said sarcastically. Then he launched back into song. "Who cares what brands you choose? Bring back booze!"
"Oh we will!" Monkeywrench's eyes were lit up like a Christmas tree. "Lots and lots of it!"
"Come on! Let's go! The sooner we leave here the sooner we can party!" Torch shouted.
"I'm just happy you are leaving period," Destro grumbled. "In fact I'd rather you leave for a very long period!"
"Yeah!" The Dreadnoks cheered as they began to head off down the hallway. "The trials we face inside our base, they go and drive us crazy! We need relief to drown our grief, that stuff that makes things hazy!"
"I know I'd like things to be hazy right about now," Destro moaned. "That way there will be a smaller chance that I'll end up remembering them."
"We'll get that great elixir, we fully plan to use!" The Dreadnoks whooped and slapped each other on the back. "So long, don't be sick! We'll be fairly quick! And bring back booze!"
"Your use! I'm the one who is going to be using it!" Cobra Commander yelled and ran after the Dreadnoks. "Hey! Let's get something straight here you idiots! You can go but bring back booze! You can go but make it snappy! With scotch, vodka and gin! Cognac and bourbon!"
"Prozac and aspirin is more like it," Destro muttered holding a hand to his head.
"You can go but bring back booze! My brain is set and ready!" Cobra Commander declared. "Its cells I'm going to lose! Bring back booze!"
"Sure. Whatever you say Commander," Road Pig waved as he slung an arm around Buzzer's shoulder. He began singing in his Donald voice. "During our tour we must endure, the state of being sober!"
Then he switched back to Road Pig. "B-But soon my friends that time will end! Our w-wait will soon be over!"
"YEAH!" The other Dreadnoks cheered. "We'll satisfy our cravings! And go collect our dues! So long! Don't be sick! We'll be fairly quick! And bring back booze!"
"You'd better or else!" Cobra Commander shouted at them. "You hear me you lunatics? You can go but bring back booze! You can go, don't stop or dally! Don't let my hopes get dashed! I really need to get smashed!"
"You're not the only one," Destro groaned.
"You can go but bring back booze! Leave now and do not fail me!" Cobra Commander ordered through song. "Return with joyful news! BRING BACK BOOZE!"
"What the heck is going on here?" Mindbender asked appearing in the hallway. "Are we having another karaoke contest or something? AAAAAAHHH!"
"Wahoooo!" The Dreadnoks laughed as they casually ran over Mindbender. Well as casually as a group of insane maniacs who want to get drunk can get. "Our leader's flipped! He's gone and nipped the last drop of our spirits! We'll take a walk and go restock some liquor past our limits!"
"Oww…" Mindbender whimpered where he lay sprawled on the floor. "I think I broke my monocle. Owie…"
"We'll save some for our Commander so he won't blow a fuse!" The Dreadnoks cheered as they piled into the elevator. "All right here we go! So long! Tally-ho! Let's go get booze!"
"WHAT?" Cobra Commander yelled and ran after them. He ran over Mindbender where he lay. "NO! I NEED ALL THE BOOZE NOT JUST SOME!"
"Oooohhh…" Mindbender moaned. "Why is the floor wet? And why does it smell like toilet bowl disinfectant?"
"YOU'D BETTER DO MORE THAN SAVE SOME FOR ME YOU CRAZY INSANE…OW!" Cobra Commander yelped as the elevator doors closed right before he ran into them.
"We'll save some for the Commander! So he won't blow a fuse!" The Dreadnoks' laughter could be heard as they ascended. "All right! Here we go! So long, tally-ho! Let's go get booze! All right! Here we go! So long, tally-ho! Let's go get booze! All right! Here we go! So long, tally-ho! Let's go get boooooooooze!"
"AAGGGGHHH!" Cobra Commander screamed and began to bang his helmeted head against the elevator doors. He hit one time too many and knocked himself out. "Oooh…."
"Well Commander at least you managed to knock yourself out of your senses again," Destro quipped.
"Birdies…" Cobra Commander moaned before he completely passed out on the floor. "Wet squishy birdies…"
"There is one small thing to be said about living underneath a fast food restaurant," Destro calmly pulled out a small flask from his hip pocket and took a stiff drink. "Fast food restaurants don't serve booze!"