His bright blue eyes stare intently into my eyes waiting for me to say something to him. He expects me to look into his eyes and say something bad, well he's wrong. The only one who had my heart, gave it back to me cracked and broken, and the cracks weren't stitched like he wanted me to heal, he stitched it like he didn't care how I felt. He was going to give it back and tell me that he only likes me as a friend, and that he doesn't want to confuse our friendship because I like him. But that's not what I want, I want to be more to him, I want to be his world, his everything, I want to be HIS. I want him to hug me and say he loves me with all of his heart and I want to feel his heart beat faster when I talk to him. I want to be the only one on his mind I want to be the only thing he thinks about when he thinks about Valentine's Day. I want to go out to a scary movie and hide my head in his shoulder. But that kind of love is only in the movies, and if he ever found out the way I feel about him, -the way my heart goes into a frenzy when he smiles or laughs at all of my corny jokes- I might as well just take cupid's arrow and shoot myself. I cannot believe that I still love him with all of my heart –well . . . what's left of it- and he still treats me this way, like a friend he calls about choir or homework, I don't want to be that kind of friend. I want to be the friend that one day, he realizes that he loves me back, and that every day I had to live knowing that we will never be together, and finally realizes that I love him more than anything in the entire world, and that we were meant to be. But I can't, I can't tell him I love him like that, he wouldn't understand, because he's never felt anything like it. His voice interrupted my thoughts:
"Brianna, I only like you as a friend, and I don't want to confuse our friendship because you like me, I'm sorry"
The waterworks are starting to form; my voice cracks and I just let it out.
"No Lucas, I can't do that! I can't just be friends with you, not the way I feel right now, maybe if I just . . . don't talk to you for a while, maybe it will go away, and we can be friends without the feeling that I feel now, but I can't Luke, I CAN'T!"
He stared at me blankly, like I spoke pig Latin.
". . . are you breaking up with me?"
" Hardly! We were never together! Remember? Just friends, I just always wanted more, and you never did"
It sounded like I was breaking up with him, but I wasn't, and he didn't even care if I left, he doesn't care about me at all.
"Then who will I call for homework, or choir?" His voice just sound so innocent, and that's what set me off, what he just said, almost like he was admitting to using me for nothing.
"That's IT, Luke, I just can't do it anymore, you've used me for too long! And I'm DONE! Luke, I'm done, find some other girl to call up and use them like you used me, and while you're at it, Use them better than you used me." I walked away with half of my dignity, but the tears were streaming down my face in a torrent. The last piece of my heart, fell to my feet, and it felt like someone was stabbing me, like somehow, I still love him, after all he's put me through. I felt like running home, going on my bed and tear up every single page in the year book that has his picture in it. My heart finally burst through my chest and I went to my next class, with my knees hugged up against my chest, protecting anyone from seeing my heart burst through my chest, like a time bomb, it was bound to happen sometime soon, and that time, is now. That's when the group started to form.
"Just leave me ALONE!" I didn't want to feel like everyone in the class cared about me, I just want to be left alone while I cry. I just want to be invisible like everyone can't see me, like I'm not there, I want everyone to act like Lucas, like I'm not there. And that thought just made It worse, it started to feel like the world was crashing down on me, like there was a single spotlight, just for me. Like I was the center of attention, and I didn't want to be.
"Please, just leave me alone guys SERIOUSLY!"
"Brianna, what happened?" Mary whispered in my ear.
"I let him go, I finished him, he can't use me anymore like he did before" I told her
"So that's why he's so mad" Her voice sounded as surprised as I was
"He's mad? But he has a girlfriend, and it's not me!" Why would HE be mad, its not like I'm the only girl in his life, I'm never the only girl he thinks about, right?
"Brianna?" His voice hit my like a angel from heaven, he looked so red, which made me cry more because I thought he wouldn't care, it hurt so bad!
"Luke, why are you mad? It's not like I ever meant anything to you" The realization in my voice was too noticeable.
"You're my best friend, out of everyone; you mean so much to me, why don't you realize that?"
"Why don't I realize that?! If I mean so much to you why aren't we together right now?! HUH? Yea, you don't have an answer to that do you?" I just let it out, every little piece of anything that ticked me off I let it out, on him and it felt so good. But then I realized that I may lose him forever, but that's ok, because he'll have his girlfriend, Katie, and she'll comfort him and he'll forget all about me. He stared at me, wide eyed, and walked out of the room, with disbelief, hurt and different emotions that I don't think anyone could see, it was like he always loved me, and he just realized that when he said that I meant everything to him, and he blew it. He knew everything about me, he knew when my birthday was, when to give me a hug and when to back off. I jumped out of my seat and ran toward him, my mind told me not to but the pieces of my heart told me to, I grabbed for him arm, turn him around, looked into his blue eyes and told him. "Lucas Charlie Catopolas, I love you more than the entire universe put together" He stared into my eyes and kissed me on the cheek and said he was sorry, but he loves Katie. I stared in disbelief, the room gasped in surprised, and ran out of school, and fell to my knees, my friend lifted me up into her arms and gave me a hug.
"Mary I don't understand I just don't he tells me i mean everything to him and then he just kisses my cheek and walks off" I still wasn't quite sure what had just happened but all I know is that the love of my middle school life just up and walked away.
"Brianna, he loves you and he knows he does he just doesn't want to admit it and as much as he wants to think he likes Katie he's wrong, he loves you and at least you told him, Brianna I am so sorry" Mary mumbled something to someone I just didn't understand or really even care I just wanted to go home, and lord only knows what my mom would say about this, Jeeze what would my mom say. I didn't want to think about it, all I wanted to think about is what just happened like my life just flashed before my eyes and there was nothing to really see, except for all the times me and Luke talked, how we laughed and how he made my heart feel warm and wanted. All of my day dreams just disappeared and I knew right then and there, I had nothing just Mary, Elena and Jordan and they are the best, but I need someone to hold me and kiss me and as much as I love them, I love them as friends and only as friends. I decided that my heart couldn't break anymore to I just closed my eyes and started to day dream, the one thing in school I was good at.
I was inside a movie theater with Luke and we were watching "Prom Night" with Brittany Snow. The bad guy was just about to stab her friend and I quickly ducked my head into his leather jacket. I could hear screaming from the audience but Luke just laughed
"It's okay Bri Bri, it's over" He looked down at me and I felt my cheeks get hot.
"you're adorable when you blush"
"I am not!" I retorted
He laughed once again and we started to watch the movie again.
I smiled as Mary (very rudely I must say) interrupted my amazing day dream.
"Brianna he wants to talk to you" she sounded concerned.
"You just interrupted the most amazing day dream ever do you know that?" I snapped.
"I could tell you were smiling like crazy" she smiled at me.
"He says he wants to talk to you" she winced away like I was going to punch her.
"Go tell him to screw himself" I was so not in the mood right now.
"Or you could just tell me yourself" he was standing there with his hands in his pockets and his shoulders up like a turtle, like how you see in movies where the guy comes up to apologize to the girl and she accepts it and then they go get sprung.
"I could but I really don't want to talk to you know" I sounded really mean, Good I thought maybe it'll teach him a lesson.
"But you're talking to me right now aren't you?" He let out a small laugh.
"This is not the time to be cracking jokes you moron!" He put his hands up to surrender.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry" He quickly replied back, which meant he was obviously scared of me.
"You know, I really want to punch your face into the wall right now, but I won't because I know I'll regret it later." I was amazed at how strong my voice sounded, like it was just a big joke and I was just in a play, not feeling anything at all for him, but I'm not in a play and I do feel for him, I feel every feeling that anyone could possibly name in the entire galaxy.
"Bri Bri,-" I cut him off right after he used that stupid nick name for me that decided to stick in that stupid brain of his.
"Do NOT call me that, at all, EVER again" I screamed at him.
"Hey, whoa calm down Bri br-anna, I really need you, not just for choir or homework, you make me laugh and you taught me things that I never knew before—"
"Its not like you ever knew anything before" I laughed quietly inside at how rude I was being to him, serves him right.
"JUST STOP!!!! I'm trying to finish what I'm saying! You know what? Now I know why I never liked you, you're rude and mean, I'm done, I'm done with you, I've tried to like you, but I can't! Now I know why, I'm not sure even your "Friends" like you!" Mary got really red, and she was a gymnast so you really don't want to mess with her.
"You know what Luke! You just need to leave, you are insulting me and my friends and I can hit just as hard as Brianna, I just haven't because no one got me that fricken angry! NOW LEAVE!" Judging on the fact of Lucas' facial expression and the way he just let out a quiet squeak and turned around and just [quickly] walked away I'd say he was really scared of her.
"Wooo! Good job Mary!" She instantly brightened my day, and maybe even the rest of the week. Jordan and Elena would not believe the story I tell them after today. Luke looked back, which angered my more and it set off a quick short fuse.
"LOOK AWAY AND KEEP WALKIN'!" It was funny how he just looked bewildered and quickly whipped his head around. After I think about it, I don't need him, he's just some stupid teenage douche bag who has no right to ever be able to control my feelings like that. I felt better after that, surprisingly, but I still had that stupid feeling where the butterflies in your stomach would start to fly and go crazy like their migrating tree was about to get cut down, and I don't know how I still had that stupid feeling. Boys will be boys, no one can help that, and maybe I'll forgive him and he'll forgive me one day, but I'm not sure. I'm just going to live life, here and now, nowhere else. I have my 3 best friends and books to entertain me. I think I'll even look for someone better, nicer, and someone who actually likes me. I'll work on the last sentence for now, maybe I'll find someone to write about, someone I'll have positive words for.