Being Apart of Something Special, Makes You Special
Being Rachel Berry is difficult.
Having so much talent and it all just being wasted in glee club when Mr. Schuster just ignores me. Everyone hates me, everyone just pretends to like me, everyone ignores my talent. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of not being...recognized. I just want to be able to have a day where...I'm not bullied because I have talent. I don't mean to be so bitchy. so pushy, so controlling. It just comes out because I want to be heard.
Is that so bad?
*.*.*.*.*
First, she found the blades her dads keep to sharpen the knives in her house. Then, she walked up to her room, took everything off except her bra and underwear and grabbed the blade, biting her lip.
it will end it all. the pain and the bullying and the hate. and my life.
The first cut hurt. The second cut started bleeding immediately. The third was numb. As were the rest. The bathtub filled behind her and she chucked her phone into the tub, silencing its incessant ringing. Soon, they would be here, looking for her, hopefully not coming too late to save her.
The cool water numbed her hands even more, the water slowly turning pink and then red with the blood running down the sink from her wrists, her arms and her palms.
She sang softly to herself as she lowered herself into the water.
"I feel...so alone. I feel...so cold. I want to fly, take off to the sky. It's so cold...it's so cold...it's so cold..."
*.*.*.*.*
Emma Pillsbury raced down the halls after one very scared Kurt Hummel left her office. He has been worried about his best friend Rachel Berry, who had not answered her phone and missed morning glee club.
(and she never does that.)
She stumbled into Will Schuster's Spanish classroom. "Will. We have a problem."
Emma noticed the boy Rachel was in love with, Finn Hudson, looking worried and Noah Puckerman and Mike Chang. Santana Lopez and Mercedes Jones as well. Along with the others in the classroom.
"Alright guys, give me a minute." Will said, walking into the hallway with Emma.
"Will, Rachel wasn't in glee club this morning. She wasn't in her first or second period class. Will, I think something's wrong."
"What should we do? Drop everything and find her?" Will said.
"Will, I'm serious. I think there's something wrong."
Will swallowed and nodded. "Alright. Let's find her."
Forgetting all about his class and he and Emma drove as fast as the speed limit allowed to reach her house as soon as possible. The front door was open and they yelled out for her.
"Rachel!" Will yelled, climbing up the stairs. The door to her room was open, but the bathroom door was shut. "Rachel!" Will yelled again. No response. He rammed his shoulder into the door, trying to get it to bust open. He tried it again and the door flew open, revealing the blood red water in the bathtub and Rachel lying in it.
Emma gasped and rushed forward, grabbing her wrist and feeling for a pulse. "Will, Will! She has a pulse. Faint but it's there!"
Will lifted Rachel out of the tub, carrying her to the car and the two drove to the hospital. The doctors immediately took her to the ER. Will called Finn and soon, the waiting room had Kurt, Finn, Puck, Quinn and Mercedes in it.
One doctor came out, the brave one, and was ambushed.
"Where is she?" Finn asked.
"Is she okay?" Mercedes asked.
"What happened?" Puck asked.
"Is she alive?" Kurt asked.
"For now, she is alive. But other than that, I have no other good news." He said.
"I want to see her." Finn requested, his brow scrunched.
"Me too."
"She's not awake-"
"I don't care. Where is she?" Puck demanded.
The doctor sighed and showed all of them the way to Rachel's room, opening the door and allowed everyone inside.
Rachel lay on the bed, extremely pale and thin. You could see her veins and the IV in her hand was almost seeable.
Kurt backed outside, standing next to the window, blinking quickly. Finn stood by her bedside on the left, reaching for her hand, but decided against it. Mercedes and Quinn lowered themselves into the chairs on the right of her bed. Puck stood behind Finn and Will and Emma stood in the doorway. The heart monitor beeped slowly, but not-so surely.
No one spoke.
No one moved.
No one was sure if any of them were breathing.
Finn swallowed. Puck looked nervously between Rachel and Finn. Quinn blinked slowly. Kurt leaned against the wall. Mercedes leaned back in her chair. Emma took a hold of Will's hand and squeezed it.
The monitor stopped beeping. And left a straight line and one long, low beep.
No one moved. Suddenly, Quinn got up and fled the room, pushing past Kurt who had a tear running down his cheek.
She ran to her car, in the pouring rain, and slammed the door shut, sobbing in her car, guilt filling her up immediately.
Not one of the glee club members - including Will and Emma - went to William McKinley High School the next day.
On Thursday when they all returned to McKinley High, no one said anything to them, about them. Glee club was quiet since no one knew what to say to each other. They knew that their hopes of finally winning Nationals was shot. Their best singer was gone. Their leader was gone.
It was all gone.
*.*.*.*.*
Noah Puckerman flat-out refused to believe she was dead. He was the last to leave her bedside and didn't leave until they covered her in the white sheet and told him to leave.
Noah almost expected to hear her singing as he walked out of the hospital room somberly. But he didn't. Nothing but silence from his Hot Little Jewish American Princess.
It hurt him to think that he couldn't have saved her from this fate. She wasn't supposed to have died; she was supposed to live and keep living until the proper time and place.
But nothing is proper anymore.
"Are you ready for this?"
"Let's kick some ass!"
They had kicked ass that night and Noah would never forget it.
Rachel Berry will never sing again. She will never marry Finn and he will never be the best man. She won't perform ever again. She will never win an Oscar either.
That alone made Noah lose control for the first time in years and break down on the side of the road, in gut-wrenching sobs.
*.*.*.*.*
Quinn Fabray didn't know what to do with herself. She and Rachel had been friends, but that little known fact didn't stop all the Cheerios from giving her a slushy facial every once and a while. It didn't stop Santana from throwing insults in her face every chance she got. It didn't stop Finn from being a jerk to her.
It didn't stop Rachel from killing herself.
When Quinn was home alone because her mom went to the store to get more tissues, she tried to keep herself busy. But all Quinn did was stare out the window at the pouring rain.
"Quinn?" A voice floated from the front door. The blonde glanced back and for a moment, she saw Rachel. She saw Rachel Berry standing in her kitchen doorway, waving her hand slowly, wearing one of those stupid sweaters Quinn would always make fun of. Quinn looked again and it was only her mom, holding a box of tissues in front of her.
But as Quinn Fabray sobbed herself to sleep that night, she thought about Rachel Berry. How she had been so nice, so concerned for her while she was pregnant with Noah's baby. How she cared enough to ask her to come back to glee club after she dyed her hair pink and got a tattoo. She had cared enough for her, and Quinn didn't think twice about it all.
"I'm not mad at you. You did the one thing I wasn't brave enough to do. Tell the truth."
Oh, but she was mad at Rachel now.
How dare she leave her – leave the glee club – only weeks away from Regionals, then hopefully to Nationals again. But that obviously wasn't going to happen now. Not with Rachel gone. Maybe if the judges felt sorry enough for them, then maybe they'd get to go. But for now, they didn't even know if the glee club was going to remain intact.
Still in all, Quinn got up the next morning. She took a shower and got dressed and fixed herself up in the bathroom.
Why would a death hold her back from doing everyday things?
And that thought made her break as well, leaning against the sink in her bathroom, the fresh mascara running down her cheeks.
*.*.*.*.*
Finn Hudson was still Rachel Berry's boyfriend. Even though she was gone, he still thought of her that way.
The football team played one last game - the championship game – and with the vision of Rachel walking towards him in that football uniform from such a long time ago, he managed to get through the game…and win.
"For Rachel." Finn whispered to Noah on the last play of the game. Noah nodded, agreeing with him, and on that note, they won. Two years in a row.
Finn went through the motions, trying to keep up with school and all of that, but Rachel's fathers, Liam and Henry, asked him to come over, see if he wants to keep anything of Rachel's before they give it all away.
(or throw it away. whatever comes first.)
Finn accepted their offer after thinking it over a few times. He went to Rachel's old room and looked around it, managing to remain calm. He took one thing, only one thing.
The ring. The engagement ring he had given her four days ago. It seemed like a lifetime ago, but in truth, it was only, only, four days previously.
Finn realized he was alone. Absolutely alone.
"You said you'd never break up with me!"
He never will. He never, ever will. Finn Hudson loved – loves – Rachel Berry too much to break up with her. She may be dead, but his heart is beating for her, even though hers is no longer beating at all.
He was about to leave when he saw the bathroom door open a crack. He moved to open it and when he did, he saw the bloody bathtub. The blood that had come out of Rachel – his girlfriend's – body was in, around, on the bathtub. It made him sick just looking at it, but he couldn't look away. His eyes locked on the bathtub, he backed out of the bathroom and fled the house, ring in his pocket.
He sat on his bed, rocking back and forth slightly when his mother came in with a tray of food. It felt like hours, days, months since he'd seen that bathtub, but in reality, it had only been an hour. He flashed back to the first time they sang together and Carol set the tray down and sat on his bed next to him, opening her mouth and then shutting it after thinking for a second. Instead, she put her hand on his arm and just like that, Finn unwound.
In a simple touch that had millions of memories flooding back to him, Finn Hudson cried for Rachel Berry, his girlfriend (who would've been his fiancée). He leaned into his mother's embrace and cried and cried, and Carol cried with him.
*.*.*.*.*
When Shelby Coracan received the news that her biological daughter was dead, she flew out to Lima immediately. She left Beth with her sister and flew out to see Liam and Henry.
She didn't want to believe it either. She drove to the hospital and asked to see her body. Now, Rachel had been dead for days, the funeral planning was already in progress, but the cemetery didn't have her body yet.
After an hour of screaming at the doctor, Shelby got to see her daughter's bandaged arms and hands, her pale face and neck. The veins that no longer have blood running through them were not noticeable. Nothing was. Her hair was splitting, her eyelashes seemed darker against the pale skin. It made Shelby stop dead in her tracks and let out a strangled sob. She sobbed for her dead daughter.
Shelby ran two fingers across Rachel's arm, feeling the cuts. More tears fell. She ran them across her cheek gently, as if not to bother her in her peaceful sleep.
"I'm your daughter."
Rachel Berry was still her daughter, dead or alive. Shelby cried at the thought of never being able to go to her opening night show on Broadway. She cried because she will never be able to see her in a white wedding dress. Or have her first child and not miss all the things Shelby missed with Rachel. She will never hear her daughter speak, sing, scream ever again.
It felt like her world was falling in on her.
And it wasn't fair.
*.*.*.*.*
Will Shuester did not want to be the bearer of bad news on Thursday when everyone returned to school. But he had to be. Who else was going to tell them that Rachel Berry – the Rachel Berry – was dead?
"I don't want to be the one to tell you guys this, but Rachel's gone." Will said, taking a deep breath. "And she's not coming back."
The whole club was silent. No one knew what to say, not even Will. He knew that without her, they wouldn't be able to win. Actually, they all knew that, but everyone refused to admit it.
No one wanted to be the first to say anything. Artie looked down at his lap. Santana swallowed with difficulty. Brittany was shaking her head, staring at the white board. Tina cried silently in Mike's arms. Mike just held her and stroked her hair, silently telling her that everything was going to be okay. Mercedes opened her mouth, thought twice and closed it. Noah sighed heavily. Quinn wiped under her eyes. Finn sat in a chair and stared at the floor, his brow crinkled. Kurt refused to sit and stood up, then sat back down with a slump. Blaine, trying to console him, rubbed his arm, but Kurt flinched away. Blaine swallowed and looked away. Sam didn't know what to do, so he just stared at the whiteboard behind Will. Will stood there with his hands in his pockets.
No one moved for a very long time.
"Everybody hates me."
"And you think being in glee club is going to change all that?"
"Being apart of something special makes you special, right?"
Rachel Berry had been a very special girl, one of a kind, everyone knew that. No one denied it. But now everyone was denying the fact that she was dead.
Will almost laughed. He wanted to. He wanted to tell her that, as it turns out, none of them hated her after all, considering the fact that they were all sitting somberly in front of him, not knowing what to do with themselves now that she was gone.
Finn stood up slowly and started walking to the door. "I don't want to believe this." He whispered.
"Believe it. She's gone Finn. She's not coming back." Noah snapped, in a grumpy mood.
"Calm down, Mr. Grumpy. Finn doesn't need you on his back." Brittany told him.
"Calm down? B, how do you expect us to calm down when we have no idea if we are all going to stay together without Rachel?" Mercedes asked.
"We still have your voice and Puck and Sam have really good voices. Just because Rachel is gone doesn't mean we all have to stop living." Brittany said defensively. Santana sat by her side, not knowing what to say.
"You know what Brittany? It does mean that. I cannot live without Rachel." Finn said, turning around and stalking up to her. "I refuse to. See this ring?" He dug the ring out of his pocket and held it up right in front of her face. "She was going to marry me! How can I just let her go?" He asked demanded and Brittany shrunk in her chair.
"Dude, did she even say yes?" Noah asked.
Finn lunged at him.
The two rolled on the floor, throwing kicks and punches wherever their hands and feet landed. Will and Sam and Mike tried to get the two off of each other and Brittany, leaned into Santana, not wanting to get hit either.
"Stop it guys! Stop it!" Will yelled, pushing them apart.
Finn stood up and Noah wasn't far after him. "She's gone Finn! She's dead." Noah yelled. Finn stood there. "And she's not coming back." Noah whispered and Finn retreated as fast as he could.
*.*.*.*.*
Kurt Hummel sat in a chair, alone, in the McKinley High library. The fashion magazine lay long forgotten in his lap. He stared straight at the wall, his head resting on his palm. His eyes were puffy and he blinked slowly. His number one diva – besides Mercedes – was dead. He couldn't do anything about it. He tried to call her, text, her, speak to her and talk her out of it, but she never answered, she never picked up, and she died anyway.
The teasing and the snide comments and the jokes and the laughter made her snap and kill herself. Rachel had given him the strength to go on when the teasing got really bad at McKinley and supported him when he wanted to go to Dalton and welcomed him back with open arms. Rachel had told Kurt that he was her only competition. They were going to go to NYADA together; he got his letter, he was accepted. Hiram and Leroy told him that Rachel would've gotten in as well. That pushed a knife through his chest and twisted it. Blaine attempted to console him, but it was futile, he was inconsolable. His mind was numb, he was sure that if he went out in broad daylight, it would hurt. He hadn't been out in daylight hours since Tuesday and it was Friday now.
Rachel's funeral was going to be Saturday afternoon and by Monday, Will would know whether or not the glee club would be disbanded.
Kurt was getting out of Lima, Ohio if it was the last thing he did.
*.*.*.*.*
At the funeral on Saturday, all of the glee club attended, along with their parents and siblings. Sue Sylvester joined them just before the ceremony began. The priest asked if anyone wanted to say anything about Rachel, or for Rachel, or anything at all. He sat down and no one moved. Kurt finally found the courage to will his legs to move and stand at the podium. He took a deep breath and with shaking hands, he unfolded his paper and began to read it.
"To my dearest diva, my NYADA friend and my one and only Rachel Berry," he began, his voice cracking. "You had once told me something that stuck with me. Do you remember what it was? I do. You said to me, loud and clear, 'Do you ever fantasize about your own funeral? Is it so wrong for me to fantasize about them finally realizing how amazing I am but it being too late?' You were right." Kurt's voice cracked and a few tears dripped down his face. "You were one of the most amazing people I had ever met and had the pleasure of...being my friend. I'm so sorry, Rachel. I wish I had gone to find you, I wish I could've...found you before you died, I wish I could've told you everything I should've!" Kurt cried. "I think all of us wish the same thing, whether or not they all choose to admit it. You were our lighthouse, our gold star, but now it's gone and we...(his mouth quivered) don't know where we are going now.
"Goodbye, my dearest Rachel Berry." Kurt finished and everyone clapped, the entire glee club in tears, whether or not the boys wanted to admit that they were crying.
But you know what they say, real men cry.
*.*.*.*.*
The choir room was quiet on Monday. Will said that FIggins was going to keep glee club until the end of the year.
Glee club competed in Regionals and Natoinals that year. They came in first both times. The entire school congratulated them on their victory. When they made their way into the choir room and put the giant trophy in the thropy case. Will grabbed a bottle of champagne and everyone had a glass of it.
Kurt rose his glass and everyone fell silent.
"To Rachel."
One by one, the glee club members mimicked his actions by raising their glass.
"To Rachel."
And then there were none.
I know, sad, depressing, I was just in the mood. I give all credit to a youtube video made by xladyxmacbethx. Check it out, it's called, 'What if Rachel died...' It is like one of my favorite fanmade videos out there. The name of the song is 'There was a Whisper' in the video and earlier in this one-shot, if you wanted to listen to that.
Review if you like. Don't really know what type of mood this would put you in, but.