He'd never been in love before. He didn't realize it would hurt this much.
He was supposed to arrive earlier, before she knew him, before she looked at him with that warmth in her eyes. He'd told himself that that would be easier; that if she didn't recognize him it would somehow hurt less.
He'd mostly gotten used to the pain. A dull kind of constant hum in the background of his life. Sometimes a blonde would pass him in the street & his heart would stop. He'd be frozen in the strange space between terror & hope. But it was never her. She was long gone.
The hope was the worst part.
Before his brain has time to register that telltale warmth in her eyes she is touching him. She is wrapping her arms around him & he thinks he might throw up. Everywhere her skin touches his it burns. How could he have forgotten what her fingertips felt like? What kind of monster does it make him that he had forgotten the feel of the love of his life? He knows immediately, he's made a colossal mistake. He's too late. How can he do what he must when she's looking at him like that? When she is touching him like she loves him still?
Seven months she says & he wants to laugh. Only seven months. She thinks it is a long time.
There are things he has to do. He came back here for a purpose & he tries to focus on that. He tries to get to work, tries to keep his head down & not say too much. She is growing suspicious of him & he thinks that may be a good thing. Maybe if she hates him things will be simpler.
& then she discovers the necklace. The one thing he couldn't give up. It's strange to see it in her hand again. It feels wrong. He wants to tell her not to touch it. Not to touch him. That he might not be able to hold himself up. He is trying to keep himself together but he's wobbling. She's making him wobble. She's touching him & the necklace is burning into his skin & he's not sure if he's even breathing & why did it have to take so long?
He had nightmares of this. Irma understood, she'd also lost someone. Nightmares of seeing her again, & nightmares of never seeing her. He'd wake in a panic, lost for a moment, forgetting where he was, fingers wrapped around the necklace. Irma would kiss his temple & lie to him in a soft whisper; it's ok now, & he didn't believe her but he would lay still anyway. They were neither of them the others first choice, but they had found solace each other. Irma didn't know everything of course. He couldn't tell her everything. But she knew why he was broken. He felt he owed her that much of an explanation.
But it's Kara now with her fingers around the necklace & all he can think to do is run. She's too close, he can see the line between her brows, feel the warmth coming off her skin, & why does she smell so good? The pain is exquisite. He is almost blinded by it. Seven years & still he can hardly breathe. Seven years that once seemed so long but now feel like nothing.