Summary: There is an old saying; "if you love something, let it go." A year after the events of New York, Thor discovers Loki's true wish: to make amends with those he has wronged. But when Thor's greatest nightmare comes true, and Loki falls for a most unlikely man, Thor must choose between getting what he wants or allowing his brother to finally be happy. Thorki/ Thunderfrost and Ironfrost (Iron ManxLoki)
Authors note: Yay for my first multi chapter fic! Updates will be often, I hope. The rest is not written yet, but I have a good idea of where I want the plot to go, so I should be able to write the test rather quickly. As always, reviews are greatly appreciated and enjoy!
Rated: T
Disclaimer: I do not own the Thor movies, or Marvel.
I remember a shadow, living in the shade of your greatness- Loki Laufeyson
For all the people in the world, in our Nine Realms, there are those left to be forgotten. Those people who, by some cruel fate of the gods, were left to wander life as an empty shell, spending their lifeless days wondering why they were so less than everyone else. These people do not stop at peasants; they infiltrate every blood line from kings and queens, to warriors, to gods, to many more. They creep along their daily life, hidden in the overbearing shade of those who are seen as so much greater than themselves. They spend their hours in silence, knowing that it is no longer worth the agony and despair to attempt to get someone, anyone, to notice them.
Among these people, perhaps the leader of the forgotten, is the God of Mischief. Loki.
The incident with the muzzle, in which Loki had arguably felt at his most pathetic, had inadvertently caused a decline in his speaking habits. The offending item had been left on for the duration of his imprisonment, and therefore it was still a strange sensation to be talking regularly. First falling into the Void, and now this.
Due to the rather strange predicament, Thor, his ever loving 'brother', had taken to giving the younger a quill and paper and allowed him to compose his thoughts and feelings into a small leather book. The mighty Thunder God was akin to a servant around his beloved brother now, as, depending on Loki's request, he would spend hours a day in the youngers room tending to him. Those soulful viridian eyes most often held a silent plea for him to remain in the not-really Odinsons bedrooms until he had finished his daily writing, and then would to proceed to curl up in his older brothers arms for a while. They very rarely talked, but Thor was okay with that. He was content to simply sit with his brother, and was quick to reassure him that Thor would always be there for him. No matter what.
The first day Thor had given Loki the book, his brother had looked up at him with a questioning, almost pleading, gaze. In his beautiful voice he had garbled out the words "what is this for" before he fell silent again. With a kind smile, Thor had replied.
"It is for you to write in, brother. I feel that you need an outlet for your built up emotions, and if you do not wish to speak them, at least relieve yourself by writing."
Loki had nodded then, his gaze still fixed on the square of bound paper in his hands. He flipped it back and forth a few times before settling on opening it up and poising his pen over the first page. His head still bent, he stole a quick glance from the corners of his eyes at Thor, who casually turned his head to the side as if to assure his brother that he was not looking at what was being written, and began to let the ink glide across the page. As Loki's pen scratched across the paper, and Thor studied the Asgardian skyline visible from the open balcony, a sense of calm overtook the room. A calmness that had not appeared for years and that Thor had dearly missed.
The soft thump of leather hitting the bed covers sounded through the room, and Thor looked up expectantly. Sharp green eyes met his own azul ones as his younger brother smiled shyly at him.
"Thank you, brother, for the opportunity you have given me. I truly appreciate your kindness." No matter how unwarranted, his mind could not help adding.
Thor was not surprised at what came next; mere moments later, his arms were full of green cloth and leather. A head of ink colored hair buried itself against his chest, and the two fell into their daily routine once again. The only sound that filled the room was that of their hushed breathing. Thor pulled his brother closer ever so slightly; it was not surprising that he sometimes still believed this to be a dream. Every so often his mind would drift back to a time not so long ago- when Loki was in prison, trapped in a magic cell below the palace. No matter how hard he tried, the eldest prince could never burn the image of his brother, helpless, broken Loki, from his mind. Never had Thor seen his brother's eyes look so distant and numb as he had in that year; such a look, one that could never be erased, had caused Thor to spend many a sleepless night. It left one lingering question in the back of his mind: would Loki ever tell him what had transpired during that year?
His eyes shifted to the leather bound object sitting just across the bed from him. So far, Loki had been loath to share his experiences out loud; but the diary could supply Thor with the very information he so craved. If only he could get to it without Loki noticing. He carefully glanced down, making as slight a movement as possible. Loki had pressed his chest against Thor's and lay with his head tucked underneath the olders chin. His breathing was warm as it glided over the silver armor, steady and slow in a way that conveyed sleep. As if acting upon its own decision, Thor's hand unconsciously crept out towards the book, eyes all the while glued to Loki's slumbering form. It was only when the leather was firmly in his grasp that he realized what he was doing and in that moment a pang of guilt hit him. Yes, he could read the diary, Loki wasn't awake to say differently; but if the trickster god had truly wanted his brother to know what he had written in there, he would have told him. Thor sighed, stuck between letting the book go and relieving the itch to discover Loki's secrets. Blue eyes bore into the hand crafted leather as though the answer to his dilemma would reveal itself until, finally, he tentatively lifted the cover.
The first thing his eyes came upon was the sentence "I am not a monster." It was carved into the paper in Loki's neat handwriting, and was the only thing to fill up that page. It lay in the middle, as if it had been waiting for something to use up the lines preceding it. Thor turned the page, his heart having already sunk a little farther in his chest. He feared what he would find on the next page but nevertheless made himself read it. This time, the writing filled the majority of the page.
I suppose, in the Midgardian style I have heard of, it would be most appropriate to begin by saying this has been established as my diary. Thor deems it a useful device to bear my feelings, in order to release the emotions without speaking. I am most grateful.
I wish I could say I understood what I had done to those of Midgard. Whether anyone will believe me or not, I truly was not in control of myself. I would tell them, my brother, most likely, but I am loath to having my lips sewn shut again. They will not listen, will they? They will deem me a liar and a trickster once again. I am not lying this time.
I do not particularly like those I have wronged. They cost me a great deal of torture and pain, but nevertheless I wish to apologize to them. I do not wish to be a monster in their eyes. I am already a monster to everyone else; a nightmare in the living, and a past heir to the throne no less. I may never be a king, I may never be lived, or never have a friend to call my own. But if I could, I would most appreciate being able to apologize to these Avengers, as they call themselves.
I am not a monster. I am loved. If I can apologize, then someone will love me.
-Loki
Beside the Loki, Thor could see a very distinctly scribbled out "Odionson". It pained him to think that Loki felt this way; not only of himself- he is not a monster- but that he was so desperate to apologize to those who, Thor had to admit, most likely hated him. With sad eyes, the thunder god slowly detached himself from his adopted brother. He slid the book back onto its rightful spot on the bed, kissed Loki's forehead in a shear moment of brotherly love, and covered the prone figure with a blanket before leaving the room. He knew what he had to do. He would fix this for his brother; he had to.