Chapter 1
So you've just broken up with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Now what? What do you do now? Well I'll tell you. I've been through a pretty bad break-up, so I know just how to move on. In this book, I'll explain how to get over that monster who broke your heart. That's what she was, right? I thought so. Why would anyone dump a ruggedly handsome, sweet, kind, athletic, courageous cat like you?
Why should you listen to me? What experience do I have to help you? I had a girlfriend once. I thought she was "the one." I had already named our future kits. I was going to name them Ashkit and Squirrelkit, after their incredibly awesome parents. Anyway, I've moved on. I had been going through a bit of a rough patch, but I decided to put my anger to good use and help other cats who have been in the same situation. Besides, I'm totally over her. Totally.
Chapter 2
Tip one of getting over your ex: forget the way she dumped you. Don't dwell on the break-up. Don't tell all of your friends how she mercilessly broke your heart. Try to forget about it. If you find this hard to do, volunteer for extra hunting patrols, help train the apprentices, fight some ShadowClan cats- just do something to get your mind off that terrible moment.
If you only remember that she told you her sister had a dream about her being destined to be with the son of the monster who murdered your mother, you're going to have a bad time. I don't care if her destiny was "written in the stars." You need to forget about it. And don't listen to her sister. Or her perfect new mate, who was also her old mate. She totally forgot how much of a jerk he was and how he was mistreating her. Apparently those kind of girls don't care for nice, sweet guys. They don't like cats like us. If your ex thinks she's supposed to be with some tom because "StarClan wanted it," even if he's bossy and annoying, than she's not the cat for you. She deserves to be mistreated. Not that any of this chapter was based on my break-up. No way. This was totally not how she dumped me. Totally.
Chapter 3
Tip two of getting over your ex: do not go near the kits. Don't volunteer to kit-sit for the queens. You'll just end up thinking of what could have been and what Ashkit and Squirrelkit would have been like. Then you'll just get mad at your ex for killing your imaginary kids. Not a good idea.
I know you were planning to have the perfect family with your mate. I'm sure she would have been the perfect mother and you would have had the perfect kits. Ashkit would have been so brave and strong and so sweet. Squirrelkit would have been so cute and kind and gentle. They would have made great warriors- maybe even one of them would have been Clan leader! But no- dumb she-cat just had to go and ruin everything! She ruined your imaginary family and murdered your imaginary kits! She didn't even think about how you felt, did she? She's a monster and needs to feel the same pain you felt when she ripped your heart out!
Chapter 4
Tip three of getting over your ex: get revenge! It feels good, so good! I got revenge. You know how that evil she-cat left me for the son of the cat who murdered my mother? Well he had an evil brother who was plotting to kill our leader. I helped him. Our leader was Squirrelflight's father, and since I wanted her to suffer, I was definitely okay with causing his death. It should have worked, too, except for her new "perfect" mate just happened to not be evil and just had to save Firestar from that trap and ruin everything. Stupid Brambleclaw. I hate Brambleclaw.
Well, I then had another plan. Squirrelflight and that stupid Brambleclaw had kits. They should have been my kits! That should have been my family! And then on top of that Firestar makes me mentor their son! How awful is that? Of course, I had to kill them. That would make Squirrelflight suffer, right? Revenge is golden. This is always the best way to get over your ex. Unless that horrible she-cat goes and tell you they aren't really her kits! They were really her no good, dirty rotten sister's kits! Totally ruined my plan of vengeance. Totally.
Chapter 5
I hate Squirrelflight so much! That she-cat deserves to feel nothing but pain for the rest of her life! I hope she has tons of kits and they all die! Every one of them! I hope Brambleclaw turns evil and dumps her and banishes her from ThunderClan! I hope she dies a slow, painful death! I hate her more than anything in the entire world. She has no idea how awful I felt when she dumped me. I was the perfect boyfriend, too. I gave her a shoulder to cry on, I made her feel safe, I was totally cool and awesome- every cat's dream! I'm not some crazy, psycho, evil cat bent on murdering everyone! SQUIRRELFLIGHT IF YOU EVER READ THIS I HOPE YOU GO BLIND AND DEAF AND GET EATEN BY A HAWK OR BADGER OR FOX OR SOMETHING EVIL. But I'm totally over her. Totally.
Chapter 6.
So there you have it. Three tips to help you move on from heart-breaking relationship. These helped me and I know they'll help you. SQUIRRELFLIGHT, I HATE YOU SO MUCH I'M WRITING MY BOOK WITH CAPS LOCK ON! NOW EVERYONE WILL KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE YOU AND WANT YOU TO DIE. By the way, can we get back together, please? Love you bunches, Ashykins. XOXOXO