A/N: I don't read Marvel Comics unless they have Bob in it. My personal favorite being Deadpool Vol. 3 #50-54. SO EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE OOC AS FUCK SO LEAVE NOW! JUST POSTING IT HERE CUZ TUMBLR IS A BITCH WITH POSTING LONG AS SHIT WHEN IT COMES TO PHONES! And AO3 is confusing.
Warning: OOC, M-preg, Bob
._._._.
Weasel was not sure of what to feel or think. All he knew was that he was FREAKIN' OUT!
"You're pregnant with Wade's baby!"
Bob was currently eating some of Weasel's lasagna at his new sweet pad. How Weasel got it was not important. "Uh, yeah. I know. It's weird."
"WEIRD! You're a MAN, Bob! I mean I know we're living in a world filled with aliens and magic and science thrown into a shit pile, but YOU, Bob! How can you be so calm about this! You're holding a psycho's child inside you!"
"I know and I panicked, but when it really came down to it, it was just something I'd have to accept. Abortion agencies will just think I'm playing with them, or have scary scientist do tests on me. I don't want to do that, and I don't want to hurt myself to get rid of it." Bob reasoned. "Look, Hydra had been secretly trying for years to get someone like Mr. Wilson under control as their weapon, but we all know that no one can mess with that guy."
"So they gave you a vagina with a functional womb."
"They only gave me the womb part, though a vagina would've been pretty cool." Bob always did wonder about the mysteries of the vagina. Weasel didn't comment on that. Bob was Bob, and he'd have to admit that though Bob with a vagina would be weird, they'd totally be talking about its mysteries. Like whether women do have better orgasms. How they'd figure that out also wasn't important. Bob explained the situation, "They did try it with women, but the child either ends up normal or totally out of control. One of them actually ripped through the womb but choked on its umbilical cord before it could do anything. Cloning was no good either since it'd be like that evil Mr. Wilson situation back then or maybe even worse."
"So they decided to do it with men?"
"I actually wasn't supposed to be one of the test subjects." Bob took a drink of water. "But when the base got hit, one of the heroes accidentally stabbed my arm with one of the needles. I doubt they knew anything that happened since the place self destructed along with the evidence. It was that top secret since they didn't want Mr. Wilson catching on."
"But you were there?"
"Yeah..." Bob didn't know the answer, and Weasel didn't push for one.
"So..." The tech guy rubbed his forehead. "You're going to keep the baby."
"I don't have much of a choice. And hey, it might be fun."
"Bob, you just told me one of them had their fetus tore through their stomach!"
"I know..." Bob frowned, so scared for his life that he was numbed to it.
Weasel thought of people who could give Bob an abortion. "Bob, I-"
"But I'm already four months pregnant."
Silence descended between them. It was one thing to know that someone was pregnant for just a few weeks or a month or two, but Bob was already in his second trimester. There was already a baby with fingers and toes that it could stretch out, a weird face that it could actually use to yawn, and genitalia to tell its sex of all things. There was an actual baby on the way.
The frightened man explained himself, "I figured out I was pregnant earlier because I was having morning sickness, I was craving for a lot of weird food, and I was getting fatter no matter how much I exercised. I thought middle age had struck me, but I felt a literal foot when I touched my stomach since I was in so much pain." He started to tear up. "Oh my god, Weasel! I don't know what to do! I can't provide for a baby! I don't even have dental plan! I know I suck as a dad cuz my boys don't love me and they're better of without me! Weasel!"
"Okay! Okay. Calm down, Bob. I'll let you stay with me for awhile. You also can't work for Hydra anymore, and I doubt they know you're alive yet, so I'll have you hide somewhere that not even Wade will think to find you. It'll be kinda like witness protection."
"Oh, so I'll have a new identity? Can I choose the name?" The agent suddenly became excited.
"We'll see." Weasel figured Bob would've thought of a name that would be too obvious that even a three year old would figure it out.
And so, Weasel helped Bob create a new fake identity and moved him to Oregon to a nice and secluded two story house. It was an hour from civilization, but the latest, deadly security was installed so psychos that roamed the forest were first threatened before being killed if they did not heed the warning. In case any were capable of getting through, there was a safe secondary basement several feet below the house. Ignoring that, the place was pretty much like living in a mansion. It had living room-kitchen, five bathrooms, four bedrooms, a spacious basement that didn't look like it came out of a horror movie, a clean attic, a beautiful front yard and a spacious backyard with a pool. All payments for it were paid before hand, and future payments would be made through a far more secretive transaction to keep the new family safe.
"Wow, if I knew you'd give me this when I'm pregnant, I would've hit myself with one of those needles sooner." Bob kinda joked when he stared at the flat screen television against the wall.
"You're going to be raising Wade's child, Bob. I can't imagine her being a decent kid, no offense."
"None taken." He placed his hand on his growing belly that was now six months old. Weasel frowned at his loving smile as he rubbed his belly as if a monster wasn't growing inside him. "I kinda hope she takes after Mr. Wilson a bit because everyone knows I'm hopeless."
"Yeah, and let's hope that bit isn't his insecurity cuz we all know what Wade does when he isn't happy. I'll feel sorry for the kid if she's born or turns as ugly as Wade. It's going to be worse for her cuz we live in a society where beauty is everything to a woman. Have you seriously not seen a single female super hero that isn't hot stuff. Big Bertha doesn't count."
"That's a good point." Bob thought on it. "Oh, but you can make one of those mask thingies that can change her appearance!"
"Oh right, I can. But I can't make anything that'll change her attitude if she's just like Wade. Unless you're up for some mind control, which I'm pretty cool with."
"Mmm. I guess for just in case her mutant powers unlock. Do you think it'll be just like Mr. Wilson's?"
"You mean a healing factor that'll drive her insane. Hope not. Anyway, the place also has cleaning robots that I put firewalls on so they can't be hacked, and any phone calls you make will be untraceable."
"Thanks. I feel safe here."
"Good. I'll be back at California, but don't worry. If anything happens, I'll teleport right away." Weasel motioned to leave.
Bob let him know, "Okay, and thanks, man. I'm glad we're friends."
Weasel smiled warmly back at him. "No prob. You and Blind Al are the only good things Wade ever did for me. Hey, maybe the three of us can play poker next time."
"I'd love that." Bob watched Weasel leave through teleportation. Now left alone for the next three months, Bob got on the couch and turned on to the sports channel. He felt a kick to his stomach, which meant food time. He had the robot maid bring him some different types of Polynesian food since his baby had him strangely craving for a lot of coconut which somehow led to learning a lot of islander dishes. He wanted to move to Hawaii, but Weasel was dead set on Oregon.
After the meal, Bob headed upstairs to go into the baby's room. He settled into the chair next to the crib where he enjoyed the quiet. He rubbed his bulging stomach as if he was petting the baby. It was totally weird to have this stomach once it became evident a month ago, but he just accepted it and pretended to be an actual woman.
"I just realized I haven't given you a name. Weasel and I kept calling you Mr. Wilson's child, but when you think about it, you're my kid, too. You might end up kinda looking like me, too. Maybe I should name you, Bridget. Mm. Doesn't sound right. Elizabeth? No. Too common. Jewel? Too cartoony. Shelly? Maxine?" Bob thought of many names. Then he remembered one of Wade's favorite female actors. "Arthur! Oh wait, no. That's not right." He looked it up his phone. "Oh! Beatrice! That's right. It should have a meaning." He looked it up in wikipedia. "Ooh! It's French and it means 'she who makes happy'! That's a good name! Beatrice! Do you like that, Beatrice?"
Bob felt fingers pressed against his tummy from the inside. It was the weirdest demonic-feeling thing, but Bob was knocked up with those motherly hormones to bother thinking that way. He just took it as a good sign.
The next three months flew by with ease. Weasel and Blind Al would visit him from time to time together to play poker, take a nice, safe walk outside so Bob can get some fresh air, talk shit about Wade, and get invested into the baby. They thought that Bob was delusional to love a future monster in his tummy, but for his sake, they just went along with his joyful talk about what he wanted to do with her. He planned on getting her into a good school after doing his best to teach her how to talk, planning of filming her entire life as much as he could, go shopping with her, watch sport seasons with her, teach her how to stay safe and all sorts of things. He admitted to being nervous when things would go wrong, but he was going to face it with a protective suit and weapons when the time comes.
He was lucky that his water broke while the two were visiting him. Weasel had prepared himself for this and got Bob on a medical table where he gave the man the necessary harmless drugs for the pain while he performed a c-section.
To Weasel's horror, the baby was deformed just like Wade. He thought he prepared himself for this, but he really wasn't. This baby girl was going to grow up hideous and who knows what kind of monster she was. Weasel wanted to rid of her immediately for everyone's sake since a second Deadpool was never a good thing.
"Is she out?" Bob asked, not being able to feel anything.
Weasel then robotically moved to spank the baby for it to let out a cry to prove that it was alive. He cleaned her and Bob up, and then handed her over to Bob. He expected the new parent to scream at the deformity, but Bob took a look at the baby and just appeared surprised. "Oh wow." His eyes were suddenly glazed with love and he gave the baby the warmest, loving smile he had ever given in his life. "She looks like a strawberry. Hey. Hey Beatrice. It's your mo-I mean dad. You were made by a controversial lab experiment of Hydra who tried to use Mr. Wilson's DNA to create the ultimate weapon under their control. But..." He started to tear up. "But all I can see is a free wild strawberry who is my ultimate happiness. I love you. I love you, Beatrice Nike Wilson." He kissed his new born baby girl.
Blind Al came forward. "Let me hold her."
"Be careful." Bob gently handed the newborn to her.
"Yeah, yeah." The old lady held the tiny baby in her thin arms and felt the skin. "Yup! Wade's child alright! Get ready for a shit storm Beatrice when the world knows who your psycho bastard is."
Weasel was just dumbfounded by this acceptance. He saw an absolute monster breathing in the old lady's arms. He had to walk out of that room to clear his head. Bob frowned at the actions, and thought he was going to lose Weasel, but Blind Al handed his baby back. "I'll go talk to him. You just let Bea suck on one of your teets."
The new parent smiled gratefully at her. "Thank you." He lowered his patient dress to free his newly formed breasts which his baby latched to eagerly and sucked on.
The old bat walked out of the room and found her way to the balcony to find Weasel leaning against the edge. "Can't accept the new little burn victim in there?"
Weasel took a moment to breathe first before answering, "How can you be so calm? That's Wade's kid in there! A little kid waiting to kill her first puppy and stab a kid's eye with a scissor! I'm sorry, but that isn't a baby. It's an experiment gone wrong and it needs to be terminated!"
WHACK!
Weasel heard his jaw crack when Al bashed his face with her cane.
"I understand and I agree."
"What?! Then why did you hit me!"
"You were overreacting. You need to get your shit together and get ready that death ray you have. We'll figure out how we'll kill it soon."
Weasel did have a weapon that could completely obliterate Wade to ashes, and never thought before Bob's pregnancy that he'd use it on a defenseless baby, but for the sake of the Earth, he'll have to kill it. He went back into the room with Blind Al, and faked a smile to trick Bob into thinking he accepted her, and the new father fell for it.
Weasel and Blind Al stayed with Bob for the next few weeks, and found it truly hard to get Bob away from her. He won't even trust her to either of them for a mere ten minutes. Bob actually slept at the baby room on the chair instead of his own room or an actual bed at the opposite side of the room. Only when he needs the restroom does he let her go and be more than five feet from her, but even then, he leaves the door completely open and he's peeking through the door frame to make sure she's alright. Weasel tried to make Bob sick, but the man strangely remained healthy no matter what he did.
"What the hell. I could've sworn I put laxatives in his brownies." Weasel inspected the left over brownies and they were indeed filled with laxatives. "He should be shitting his own pants by now with the ton I put in there."
"It must be the work of the baby. She must be healing Bob somehow, or maybe he developed Wade's healing factor."
"Wait, if you're right about the former, then are you telling me that she has Wade's healing factor, and she can heal people? That's...actually a pretty decent mutant ability, but it doesn't mean she's still not a threat. What are we going to do, Al? We even tried knocking him unconscious, but no matter how hard we hit him, he stands right back up."
"It looks like we'll have to move to plan D."
"Plan D? Y'mean lock Bob in the closet and still go with the plan to pretend someone broke in?"
"Yup."
Weasel sighed. Of course, they could've gone to that plan from the beginning but that required for Bob to actually let go of his daughter to go somewhere else in the room that wasn't the bathroom. That was practically impossible. Even if he was to enter a dangerous cave filled with flesh-eating bugs, he'd bring her in there with him because for some odd reason, he thinks he's the safest place.
The two thought really hard of how they were going to do that.
While they did, Bob was singing Cover Girl by New Kids On the Block to his baby girl who was cozy in her crib while he was preparing his lunch. When she cried, he pulled up the upper part of his maternity shirt and made her latch onto his nipple for a good feed while he ate his sandwich. "Oh boy, you suck hard. I'm glad my milk is delicious for you, strawberry. Don't worry. I'm eating the best healthiest food so you can get the best milk!" He drank his vitamin water.
Afterward, he went to the living room to watch Golden Girls while holding his sleepy baby against his shoulder. She really liked being close and Bob didn't mind at all. He laid kisses on her and told her all about what was happening on the episode while laughing. He then switched to the Glee show.
"You know, strawberry, your daddy (me) was in choir and in glee since he was a small boy. My parents didn't approve, and wanted me to play sports like my four other brothers, and my sisters picked on me for that. But I still went to those clubs and meetings like a rebel! But my brothers and pretty much everyone in school picked on me. I didn't care...well, a little because it hurt when they would give me those wedgies or when they left me taped to a pole after pounding me with dodge balls, but that didn't break me. But I couldn't be a part of glee club anymore because the club was getting harassed and I was the reason most of it happened because I was 'just that kind of character' or so my teacher told me. 'Just that kind of character' my foot! Everyone else was getting picked on, too!" He sighed and looked at his watch. "Oh, it's time for your afternoon nap!"
Weasel watched as Bob first gave his baby a bath first. The tech never seen the clumsy Hydra agent so gentle. He's freaking humming I Have Nothing by Whitney Houston as he places his deformed baby in a basin of warm water with bare hands. Carefully cleaning the scars and the holes all over its body. No matter how Weasel looked at it, Bob wasn't cleaning her at all. But somehow the delusional mother could tell. "There! All clean." He carefully dries her with a hooded bath towel, and then dresses her in a Winnie the Pooh onesie that didn't make her cute at all. The father then walked up the stairs as he's singing Careless Whisper by George Micheal.
"Dammit, Bob. You leave us no choice." He wanted to hurt Bob in the least painful way, but it looked like the ex-agent just had to be dealt with.
._._._.
Bob slept peacefully on the chair beside his sleeping Beatrice, but a strong sense of something about to go wrong woke him up. Before he could regain his senses, his head was suddenly bagged. He quickly took out the gun he hid behind his pillow and shot at the person.
"WHAT THE FUCK!" A random voice cried out, telling Bob there was more than one person. He removed the bag to see three men. The man he shot fell to the ground while another one was behind him and the third one was holding what looked like a really, dangerous high tech gun that made it truly obvious of what they were here to do.
Beatrice began to cry. The one behind Bob took out his gun and shot him in the back. At that moment, Weasel came to the room. "NO! I told you not to hurt him!"
"Don't worry, he'll live." The one holding the gun aimed it at Beatrice who cried louder.
"NO! Please! Don't hurt my baby!" Bob pleaded as he tried to get up, but he couldn't feel his legs. He heard the gun charged up like a gun being cocked. "MISTER WILSOOOON!"
At that moment, the jaw of the baby's wailing mouth detached, forming a screech that shattered every single glass within the house. The two men's souls suddenly came out of their chests. One turned into a pair of tweezers that safely removed the bullet from Bob's back, and then both turned into two pieces of gauze that covered the bullet wound and then dissolved, leaving a fully healed back.
Bob was shocked, but he was more worried about his baby. "Beatrice! Are you okay?" The baby's jaw reattached, but she was still crying. Bob looked to Weasel who had the death ray gun in his hand.
"I'm so-" Bob used his foot to pull the carpet from under Weasel's feet. He made a run for it, only for Blind Al to meet him at the front door with the same gun in hand. Her aid dog growled at him, tugging his leash to their direction. The woman didn't hesitate to shoot like Weasel did, but Bob was quick to dodge the blast. His baby dislocated her jaw again to claim the dog's soul and turn it into a bomb that gave everyone only ten seconds to make it out.
Bob was already out the back door and running through the woods. He heard the explosion, but he didn't look back. He was too focused on getting somewhere safe.
When he reached a road, he didn't know which way led to civilization. He just picked a way and kept running, hoping that he didn't meet anyone dangerous. A pick up truck eventually stopped. The person inside looked to be in his sixties with all of his white hair and full beard, probably Hispanic or Native American, lanky but with very strong angular features. His green eyes were piercing as if he's seen some serious shit and you had to get him really drunk to open up about them.
"Get in. You need to get to a hospital."
Bob was surprised by the abrupt kindness. "U-uh..." He looked down at his baby who had fallen asleep.
The man could see her scarred flesh. "Is she alive?"
"Y-yes." Answering that actually filled Bob with so much relief. A lot of fucked up, strange things happened, but at least his strawberry was safe. "But please don't bring us to the hospital."
"Bad men after you guys?"
Bob nodded vigorously. "Y-yes! You see my baby isn't normal."
"A mutant." The word made Bob remember the racism that mutants get. He carefully covered his baby, holding her close for dear life as he thought of running through the forest for safety. But the man said, "Don't worry. Not one of those buffoons. But you should know that you ran the opposite way where not many people pass since there's been warnings of possible landslides. I have a cabin you can hide in, but you're going to have to tell me your story."
"Uh..." Bob honestly didn't have that many choices. The two people he trusted the most in the world betrayed him and tried to kill his daughter. Blind Al didn't care if he died, too! If he actually went back into the city, he wouldn't know where to go or who else to trust. Also Beatrice was still only a month old. He can't be homeless and on the run with only the clothes on his back.
He looked down at his sleeping baby, and thought of how he allowed hatred to be in his home. He could never forgive himself for putting her in such a terrible situation. He could never forgive himself for being so weak and stupid. He already felt like he failed as a parent for putting so much stress on his child, and being ignorant to the problems the real world will give her.
He fell to his knees, holding her for dear life. Apologizing over and over again for not being better prepared, and for the hardships she'll have to face because he was weak.
The man in the car rubbed his back to comfort him into the passenger seat since it was about to rain. The two then drove off to his cabin. The first half of the trip was left silent while the sound of rain drop pelted the window glass. Bob was too tired to explain the recent trauma he faced. The man didn't push for anything. He did have Bob drink his hot soup and water to remain well fed. He did have to take a double take when Bob began breast feeding the baby, but trans men were a thing, so he didn't truly question it.
The cabin happened to be in Idaho, so it took almost half a day to reach there. They did make stops for gas, food, and buying the necessary baby products. Seeing this much kindness given to him, Bob thought it was only fair that he should share his story, but of course, leaving Deadpool and Hydra out. He just said that he was part of this organization that really wanted the DNA of this really cool guy, and he explained the whole needle accident. He then uncomfortably talked about the betrayal that occurred earlier.
The man simply listened and only talked to help Bob keep on track with his story. After he was done, the man said, "So your baby is a mutant who can turn people's souls into weapons."
"I think. It was all happening behind my back, so I'm not sure. I didn't even look back if the house really exploded. But mutant or not, Beatrice is my baby. I don't care if those asshole died in that explosion. They were just setting me up to kill her." Bob couldn't stop the tears again. "Anyway, thank you...But...why are you helping us?"
"I'm a park ranger. Finding fucked up stuff in the forest is pretty much normal. You find dead bodies, space ships, monsters lurking around and some heroes thinking that just because no humans are in a forest, it's alright to destroy an entire ecosystem. I was actually gonna drive to where the explosion was, but my pals with the helicopters saw that no fires sparked after the explosion. It just blew to pieces with stuff all over the place. No survivors found so far, but if we do, we'll make sure they can't get to you. Us park rangers actually help mutants get closer to their destination to the best of our abilities without being caught by the government."
"Wow. I never thought you guys were that helpful. I thought you guys just reported forest fires."
"It's what we make people think, so for your sake and for the sake of other mutants, it's best to keep it a secret unless you're put under duress. We've had some trouble in the past, but with the excuse that we can't really do much against mutants, we've been able to get away with this sort of thing for a long while now. You must be tired. Best if you finally take a sleep. Your girl will be fine in her seat."
Bob was out in a flash once the suggestion was made. He was tired in every single way possible, and he appreciated the rest before waking up on a bed. He immediately sat up, looking for Beatrice. He found her sleeping in a crib beside him.
"Glad to see that you're awake." A feminine looking man with criss cross blue and pink skin approached him with a bowl of oatmeal in hand, which Bob thankfully ate. The man explained that he was a mutant with the ability to speak to the forest but in a more like Jack Hawksmoor from Wildstorm style. No names were given for the sake of safety, so Bob didn't ask just like they didn't ask for his name. "The forest told me that your so-called friends survived the explosion. The bomb your baby set off actually let out a blast of air so the impact felt like a hurricane. Their injuries were severe that one of them will have to live on a wheel chair and another will need a new robotic limb."
Bob didn't know how to take the news. He wished they were dead, but a part of him was glad that they were okay as they could be. He also feared that they'd find him. Weasel was a genius after all.
As if sensing his fear, the mutant reassured him with a hand on his shoulder, "It's okay. They found the illegal death ray guns and their finger prints are all over the trigger. They will have to be put in jail for illegal arms possession, and from what I've heard, they may have more sins to answer for once the detectives dig into their backgrounds with some of their best people on the job."
Bob relaxed. They may not be dead, but justice was going to be served. Just then his baby cried. He checked her to see that she was just being colicky. He didn't mind. He held her close to his cheek, loving the small puffs of air as she breathed. The mutant took away his oatmeal so the two could have some alone time.
The father cooed to his baby, "You're going to face a lot of hardships, Beatrice. Not because you're your daddy's daughter, but because you're a mutant. Hm. Maybe that institution is open to accept newborns. That is if it's still there. I heard it's been shut down and attacked a lot, so maybe that's not the best place to go for you. Maybe there's somewhere else where we can hone your abilities while going to school making everyone believe you were a burn victim so they don't connect the dots. We're going to need a new identity again if we're going to do that. Hopefully they won't ask us for money. Options. Options."
Bob felt ridiculous for being calm, but it was just a part of who he was. Despite how bad the situation seemed to escalate, he always felt emotionally dissociated from it once the threat wasn't going to get him immediately. Optimistic thoughts would just reel in, and it may not be the coziest choices to make, but he was alive and well, and that's all he could ask for. But he did hope that for his baby girl, she could have more.