The Anxiety Of Love

by Cold Perfection

She broke it off, it was over and done. She was content. But why was she feeling this? EijixOC I don't own Prince of Tennis.

THE ANXIETY OF LOVE

She knew. Of course, she did.
She predicted it all. What would happen if she broke up with him. What would happen if she did not.
No.
She wasn't dissatisfied. This was exactly the result she anticipated. Yet it felt unfinished. Like the feeling of content ended midway.

Well, he was not like she was, actually quite the opposite. He was always high sugary-spirited, while she remained calm whatever happened. She loved the silence, while he always screamed it away. She was very collected, logical, she could plan every action and reaction, she didn't need to anticipate, she knew. She always knew what to give and what she at least or at most would get back. But he was impulsive, positive, wild, careless and reckless. He didn't seem to think about what could happen, he would at most hope for something. But in the end, he would just see at the moment what would happen.
Regardless, they weren't like the north and the south. They were both extremely kind people, had their own cheery smiles, loved Japanese History and animals.

"Akane."
Her head shot up. "Syuusuke."
"He's upset, you know."
He didn't need to tell her, did he really think she did not notice. His head was hanging, his reducing cheers, his silence, he wasn't jumping as much as he used to, he wasn't smiling. But it was better this way, better than the other possible result.
Fuji gave her a gentle pat on her hand. "I still do not quite know, what exactly happened…"
It was an encouragement for her to open up, to spill it. But Akane didn't want to spill. She just wanted to find an answer to fill the slight empty feeling inside.
An answer that wouldn't involve him. She drove him away with no intentions of pulling him back.
"I don't want to tell you." She told him straightforward.
Fuji knew those determined, stubborn eyes. He signed. "I knew you would say that. But he's not the only one who is looking upset these days."
Akane frowned. Did she made more people upset by breaking up?
Fuji smiled sadly. "You're not smiling anymore, Akane."
"That's not true." Nobody should have noticed it, she had been acting according to the situation.
"You've been acting your way out through this week." Fuji said as if he read her thoughts.
Akane sighed, her best friend was not giving up.
"If you're not going to tell me, then please. Please, no more crying in your room at night."
Her eyes widened in fear. "How do you know that?" Her head shot up.
Fuji smiled sadly at her, as if saying: 'You know very well why.'
Akane sighed again. He really did know her too well, well it wasn't such a big shock when she thought about it. They were neighbors and their rooms were practically next to each other. She guessed that her pillow did not muffle as much sound as she would like to.
"I don't want to talk about him, Syuusuke." She finally said.
She felt her hand being held gently. "Then tell me why I hear you sob at night?"
Akane felt tired, oh so tired. Would it wake her? She just didn't wanted to think about it anymore.
"I'm tired, Syuusuke." The stare in her eyes became weaker. "I'm so tired, I think about it all the time. My mind is so occupied with it.." She searched in Fuji's eyes. "Why does it feel so strange inside? Why does it feel so incomplete, when at the same time I feel content? I don't understand and nothing is getting clear... Please tell me what to do, Syuusuke…"
Fuji squeezed her hand. "Akane, I'm afraid I can't tell you what to do, since…" He didn't finish his sentence, because he knew she knew.
"I know." Akane finally gave him a warm response like she always used to do with Fuji, she squeezed back. "I know. It's just that I have a feeling that I need to fill that part inside of me and.."
Fuji watched her mumble the last words. "You can't figure it out on you own, Akane."

Normally Akane would get angry at him for manipulating her and twisting his intentions to get it out of her. She hated it when he did everything possible to get what he wanted out of her. Usually she would have yelled at him for betraying her trust and her feelings. But at the same time, she knew that he cared too much to not be unfaithful to his words. In these aspects they were the same, trying to keep everything in, yet expecting others to let everything out.

"You know I can." Akane stated. "You just don't want me to."
She saw Fuji smile at that. She knew that he understood that meant a lot of pain. Figuring it out on her own, would cost him his best friend.
"Akane, I'm pleading you."
She saw his desperate eyes. A slight shot of pain went through her heart, she thought it would only affect the two persons in question, she and him, but not Fuji. She did not want to hurt her best friend, not 'Syuusuke', who had nothing to do with it. Had she forgotten him? Had she been inconsiderate?
"Akane…"
Fuji had mingled himself in, selfishly, because he cared. Akane began to fell deeper in her thoughts.
"Akane.."
"Stop it, Syuusuke." She voiced.
"But.."
"It's no use, Syuusuke. Whether I tell you or not, it does not matter. It's over and done. This is what I wanted, I am content." Akane brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "You know I'm not lying."
Fuji was about to strictly lecture her, when she suddenly continued.
"I'm not lying…" She repeated. "It's done, so why do I feel this? I can't even describe to myself what I'm feeling exactly. That's why I don't know what to do! And now, Syuusuke is also hurting."
Akane wasn't looking at Fuji anymore, she was just having a monologue.
"I should feel nothing anymore, just peace.. I have no whys, no hows. I should not need answers, so why am I frantically looking for one? I did the right thing, he wouldn't understand. He would have been hurt so much more if I told him, right? Now, he will move on with fewer scars."
Akane was justifying herself. "I had no choice. And everybody is safe now, Miyako, the girls…"
Fuji frowned at that. What happened with them? But he remained silent.
"And he couldn't have done anything about it, anyway. He would have tried, but it would have gone worse. So far more worse… He would have blamed it on himself and he would have been hurt so much more.."
Akane smiled bitterly. "Yes, everyone is safe now, everyone and Eiji-san…"
"Akane, how did you protect Eiji?" Fuji broke her gaze and her state of thinking.
For a split second her eyes widened, the realization sinking in that she told him, but she smiled at her best friend and whispered: "I just did."
"Yeah, Akane, how did you protect me when you broke my heart?"
The two best friends shot up in surprise.
Fuji called first. "Eiji…"
"Just how it is, Kikumaru-san, I did not." Akane declared, freed her hand from Fuji's and walked out of the classroom.

She walked rapidly until she was sure she didn't hear any following footsteps. Akane slumply went upstairs to the roof and slowly pulled herself to the top of the little building. Slowly lying down, she turned a few times, still drowned by her circling thoughts.
"Luckily he didn't find out." Her mouth slowly slipped. "At least Miyako is safe, those bitches were harassing her, she ran to me and yelled 'Onee-san' when something happened. So good that nothing happened this week, she worried me to death…" Akane sighed and her thoughts went to the girls from the Flower Arrangement Club. "The flowers survived this week… Will we have enough to get through the finals?.."
Akane slowly sat up again, staring into the view of the city. Sighing again, she mumbled: "Those punks will probably bother me for a while, if it's just had me, it would have been fine, just like in the beginning…"

Yes, Akane was perfectly fine on her own. She needed no prince charming to protect her, she was perfectly capable on her own. Even Fuji didn't worry much about her, he trusted her to look after herself. But to look out for her little sister, her friends, her club mates and Eiji had become too much on her. But she couldn't tell Eiji, he couldn't have made it better.

Just when she dropped her guard and was about to slip away into a blank sleep, she was trapped in a pair of arms.
"Let me go." She reacted immediately and started pulling at the arms that she recognized at the spot.
"No."
"Let me go, Kikumaru-san."
The grip tightened. "Call me Eiji-san, like you used to." She heard him whisper against her back.
"Please release me, Kikumaru-san." She loosened the grip on his arms and waited for him to retreat his arms.
"Don't call me by that name!" He raised his voice slightly, which surprised her. "Eiji-san, I want to hear it." He repeated again.
Akane didn't reply to his request. "I politely ask you again, please let go." But she did left out 'that name' to not upset him more, in the vain hopes that he would release her.
"Stop it!" His voice did not reduce in loudness. The grip tightened even more, resulting Akane to stiffen. His touch began to burn, leaving the permanent tingles on her skin, the ones she worked so hard for to get off her skin. "When you said you didn't feel anything anymore, you made me feel only one thing, Akane." His fingers traveled over her skin, causing her to shiver. "You're the one who changed me into this person, I can't smile, I feel worse every day, I can't even completely enjoy tennis!" Eiji laid his cheek on her shoulders. "I've become a different person, someone that I don't like myself." He slowly turned his head to brush his lips over her skin, barely touching. Bringing her his feeling of lust. "Take responsibility, Akane." He whispered against her skin. Akane tried to move away as much a possible from his lips, while still being in his death grip. Suddenly his head shot up, his lips moving in the crook of her neck, gliding from her collarbones, to her neck all the way up to her own lips. In shock, she moved along with his motions. Did she made him into this? This was not the Eiji she knew. She whimpered softly. Eiji snuck into her thick brown curls and inhaled her intoxicating scent. Akane could only let him. Who knew she awakened such a person in Eiji? So serious, so… so not Eiji.
When his grip finally loosened, she grabbed her chance to flee. But Eiji wouldn't let her, he grabbed her by her thin shoulders and she was almost scared by the look on his face. He looked dead serious, frustrated and confused. But not angry, he looked more desperate and depressed. "I've heard all of your thoughts, so tell me.."
Akane's eyes widened, terrified. "Why, Akane? Why didn't you tell me about the harassment of the fan girls?" Her eyes adverted. "Did you think that I was pathetic?" No, she did not think that. "Did you think that I couldn't handle it? That I was too weak to protect you?" She didn't wanted to tell him. She didn't wanted to.. "Fujimoto Akane!"
That did it, if it was anybody else that spoke her name like that not, but it had to be him.
"Yes!" Akane's eyes flared. "Yes, you couldn't have handled it! You are too weak, you wouldn't have thought about it! You would have stormed at them and tell them to back off! And everything would have ten folded and more people would have to get hurt because of me!"
She just burst, she cursed herself when she saw his expression slowly change, but she couldn't stop her yelling. "Including Miyako and her friends, the girls and their friends, everyone possible, Syuusuke… and in the end it would have hurt you the most! You would have blamed yourself till no end, driving yourself to a place I can't even reach! The one I wanted to protect the most was you!" She saw him crumble, but she knew she was far from done. "But you wouldn't understand! You wouldn't understand that I can take everything on my shoulders, alone! You wouldn't understand that I still love you, enough to do this! You wouldn't…" Out of breath, her voice faltered. She saw his shocked face, after all she had never yelled at him before.
She, Fujimoto Akane, rarely yelled, she always spoke soft, kind and understanding to others, even when lecturing.
She witnessed his face become sad and his eyes became glossy. Akane's heart was instantly filled with guilt and regret. Her anger had died down at the sight and had been replaced by angst, the feeling bolted her to flee. And so she did.

She ran, almost jumped off the small building. This is why she didn't wanted to tell him. He would cry. She almost tripped off the stairs, only slightly bending her ankle in the wrong way. With slight pain, she still ran. He would break down, like he just did. He wouldn't hate her, he would become afraid of her.. The thing she was most afraid of. While she ran past her best friend, who she failed to see through her tears, she tried to get rid of the latest image of Eiji she had.
At her shoe locker, she slumped down. The tears washing away her make-up, her hands trying to prevent the tears from coming, she sobbed silently. Akane tried to get herself together and hands shaking she put her shoes on. A hand came into her view and her head snapped up. Eyes terrified at first, but relaxed for a tiny bit, when she saw Fuji's kind blue eyes. She took his hand, and she knew he had her bag, that he understood everything and that they would walk home silently. Like she wished.

The next day, she was fully dependent on Fuji. Something highly unusual. Rumors fled, that she was a whore, swaying to another regular after leaving the other. But she did not care, she had not felt this bad since her parents' death. Fuji, first tried to keep her home with her brother. But she insisted coming to school, so he promised her brother that he would take care of her. Though his face did not show it, Fuji was almost helpless with the girl who was sleeping on his lap, while leaning on his chest. Cradled in his arms, a fragile child, it was unlike Akane. But he had seen it before, only once. He gently wrapped his arms around her frame, loosely so she would be comfortable. Fuji knew it made her feel safe, and she snuggled on his chest. He sighed softly. "How did it all come to this, while everything was so clear?" He asked the sky. "It isn't even this complex."
"I would like to know that answer too."
Fuji just smiled at hearing that voice. "Just keep your voice low. She is now at a peaceful place."
Eiji nodded and sat down in front of Fuji. "She is still so pretty…" He mumbled.
"You understand now, don't you Eiji? Why?" Fuji whispered.
Eiji's eyes slightly downed and he nodded. "She is right, she is definitely right, she handled for me and yet I.."
"Eiji." Fuji began. "It's not only your fault, she miscalculated too. She thought she had 2 choices, trust you or protect you. And she chose to protect you. But what she didn't expect was that both would have backfired on her. She must know that you can't always calculate in love."
"Fuji.."
"So don't look like that, she wanted to prevent you looking like that the most."
Eiji just smiled sadly at the sleeping Akane. "I just hoped that she would have considered more options than those 2 at that time."
"I do too." Fuji agreed.
"But I can't help to feel a little jealous now, Fuji." Eiji smiled a bit brighter.
Fuji just chuckled.
But after that, silence descended down on the three again.

When break time had passed half its time, Akane woke up. She did not open her eyes yet. Fuji's embrace felt warm, caring, but most of all safe. She would like to be there forever. Akane smiled when she felt him stroke her cheeks, he knew she was awake. After what happened yesterday, she still felt depressed. If her brother hadn't come to calm her down, she wouldn't have gotten any sleep at night. She was glad that now Miyako, and the girls were safe. Today they had been eying her worriedly. Especially Miyako didn't want her to go to school. 'Onee-chan should stay home and rest!' is what the little one told her before leaving the house, heading to her primary school. The girls had been questioning her, but she answered that she would be fine. That she only had a rough night, that she couldn't sleep. It seems that they somehow believed her and stopped doubting themselves that it was their fault. Thank god. She was glad that Fuji understood now, he wasn't hurting anymore, just a bit discontent, she could see in his eyes. But he had been her savior today, she would have to bake him his favorite wasabi-cake when she gets home. Her lips had formed a smile again. It would be alright, she just needed a little bit time to process all the feelings in her heart and the thoughts in her head. Her smile dropped again. Eiji. He must be terrified of her now. He must feel miserable right now, she had yelled at him. She made him cry. Akane felt her heart sink. If she talked to him, she would only hurt him more. Why did it have to go like this? Why did he hear them yesterday? Why did he wanted to know the truth? Why couldn't he just despise her and be done with it? That way, it would have been so much easier.

At last she decided to open her eyes. She first met the eyes of her best friend, whose twinkled back at her. After that her eyes filled themselves with fear. Eiji. Why was he here? Would he want to know more? Fuji's barrier loosened around her, and he kindly smiled against her terrified eyes. And he left with a small pat on her head. 'Sorry, Akane. But you have to do this.'
"Akane.." Eiji decided to get closer. This immediately resulted in Akane backing up against the tree. The way he spoke her name was soft, gentle. Unlike the Eiji from yesterday, more like the one she loved. And it scared her more. Al her thoughts were spinning in her head. New thoughts rapidly adding themselves.
"I'm sorry, Akane. You were right."
'No. Please don't.'
"But you know, you could have at least talked with me about it. I would have tried to understand.."
'Please don't say it..' Akane looked away and closed her eyes.
"But in the end, Akane protected me, that still makes me love you more than that I already did."
Her eyes clinched. 'No! Please don't do this. Please don't make it all start over again.'
"And you sacrificed yourself for me, for your sister and for your friends. You still love me."
'Can't my plan just be complete?' Her knuckles were turning white.
"Akane, if you had just said something, I would have protected them all for you, including Akane."
"Stop it." She finally said. Her face was cold, stern. "Stop it, it's over. You couldn't have and you can't."
Eiji saw through her exterior. "I can, if you and I just figure out what I have to do. If you just believe in me to do the right thing…"
"No, it can't happen." Akane stood up, she wanted to get out of here, fast.
"No! You won't slip through my fingers again!" Eiji quickly grabbed her. Akane's heart began to beat faster from shock. "I still love you and you still love me. Tell me why we can't be together!"
His eyes were desperate, but not like yesterday, they were desperate for her. "Please, Akane."
She just shook her head. "Please, Akane. Call me Eiji-san again, like you used to."
At that she could only shake her head more. "Scold me when I'm doing things wrong and help me to get better again."
Her head stopped at that. "I want to go to the pet store with you, I want to get weird new flavors of toothpaste from you. Because you always manage to find them."
"I want to be the one that holds you, I want to see more of the Akane, I'm seeing now."
She could only stare at him. No, she wasn't crying, she was just shocked. Why?
"I am jealous of Fuji and your brother. They can comfort you, but I can't." He hesitantly reached out for her. "They have seen so many sides of you, while I have only seen one."
She felt his trembling fingers slide over her cheeks and gently have a hold on her face. "I don't know how to say it anymore."
Was this really what he thought?
'Akane, you can't.'
She kissed his hand that was holding her face.
"A-A-Akane?"
How did he do this? How could he make her forget every thought she had? How could he make the feeling go away?
She kissed his hand again, softly brushing her lips.
She fixed his gaze at him. He was blushing, his hand fell from its hold.
How could he make her feel this happy? It wasn't fair, why couldn't he just leave her in pain.
She slowly came closer, hands on shoulders, faces close. He was getting red in the face.
But she knew the answer, this was exactly why she loved him.
And she kissed him softly on his lips and saw his stunned expression. And she kissed him again.
After that she let go of him. "You're unfair, sly. How could you do this to me?"
Eiji smiled sheepishly at her. "You're sly too. How could you make me believe that you were the devil, when you were actually an angel?"
"See? That's what I mean, such words, so sly." Akane finally gave him a small grin back.
Eiji came closer to her. "Akane too, when you yelled at me you made me fall for you again."
"In the end, I still like Akane the most." He moved his head closer, initiating a kiss.
He wanted her to take lead. And she did, they kissed for a long time, just tender, gentle.
When she broke away, she said: "Doesn't the guy usually take lead?"
Eiji just blushed at that, even more than he already did. "Well… Akane..I.. I and Akane.." He rambled.
Akane finally chuckled. "I guess I will just take it as if I'm a good kisser." And she gave him another kiss.
'Akane tastes like sweets.' Eiji thought.
"Thank you." Eh? Eh? His eyes searched in hers and he found her all-knowing look. Did he just voice his thoughts?
He just grinned. "Can I have another candy?"
This time, she blushed. He was cute, that's why he was dangerous.
"Waah! Akane is so cute!" And she liked it.
She quickly kissed him to shut him up.
A silence finally fell between the two of them.
"Is it going to be alright?" She asked.
Eiji carefully hugged her. "It will be! It will be!"
"You have me, Fuji, your family and your friends. You don't have to do it alone!"
Akane's eyes teared up. Maybe in the end, it would have been better if she relied on people. Even though she hated it. With so many involved, it was maybe inevitable that not only she would get hurt. Did she act out of stubbornness? Did she hurt those people who could have helped? Oh, yes. She miscalculated, she denied it, but it was true. And she hated it even more.
"Akane?" Eiji eyed her worriedly.
"I'm sorry." Akane whispered. "I miscalculated. I should've.. I.."
She didn't choke on her words, they merely faded away.
Eiji smiled at her. "It's alright."
Akane just remained silent. "Akane?"
She stared into nothingness, lost in thoughts for a while. "Akane?"
"I still feel it's not. But I feel a little bit better than yesterday." She finally said.
She gave Eiji a small smile, which he returned. When she closed her eyes, the tears fell.
Like the weight was finally off her shoulders.
Eiji reached out to wipe them away, but she stopped him. "Let them dry up, just like my anxious feelings. Time will be my medicine."
She stood up. "Come on, class is starting."
"Can I have another candy?" He asked cutely.
"No." She promptly answered and walked off.
"B-B-But!" Akane just laughed at that.
"Akane, wait!"
"Wait till after class, Eiji-san."