A/N: A very late reposting from AO3 and Tumblr. Please enjoy!
0000000000000000
Dick and Bruce sat at the kitchen table. Dick was eating a plate of eggs and bacon, telling his adoptive father a story from the previous night, while the older man sat with his cup of coffee and the Sunday newspaper, halfway listening to his eldest son ramble on and on. How this young man was able to have this much energy so early in the morning on minimal sleep had baffled him for years. He worked the same long nights himself, but it was mostly just a poorly functioning internal clock that woke him up in time for work most days, and when that clock failed there was always Alfred. Not that anyone would ever call him out for being late to his own company. But it was the principal of it all.
"Bruce? Are you even listening to me anymore?"
He looked up to see Dick almost pouting at him. "Sorry, Dick. My mind wandered for a moment. What'd you say?"
Dick huffed. "Nevermind. It wasn't important."
Bruce frowned. "Dick," he said, not ready to deal with his son's moodiness right now. "Just tell me what you said."
"Fine. I asked when we were gonna do movie night this month. See. It wasn't important." Dick stuffed a piece of bacon in his mouth and avoided eye contact.
"It's important to you. That makes it important to me. I'm sorry I wasn't listening."
Dick shifted his eyes back to Bruce and smiled. "It's okay. I know I talk a lot and you've never really been a morning person," he said fondly, remembering back in the early days when he would hear Alfred waking his mentor up by stealing the covers or opening the blinds without warning. They didn't always eat breakfast together back then because Dick had school and would be on his way with Alfred before Bruce even made it to the shower. On days when they did eat together, Dick had talked so much and so quickly that Alfred would always end up playing defense for Bruce because the Batman then couldn't find it in him to tell the adorable nine year old to shut up for one minute and let him drink his coffee.
Just as Bruce opened his mouth to respond there was a loud CRASH from the upstairs den, followed by a far off shout of, "Damian!" and an, "Oops."
Bruce and Dick just looked at each other, a mixture of curious and concerned.
"Do you think we should…" Dick started asking, but he petered off when Tim and Damian walked into the kitchen and continued towards the patio door. Neither paid him or Bruce any attention as they walked through the room with nerf guns. Dick raised an eyebrow. "Huh."
Bruce grimaced. This couldn't be good. "Hold up you two. What was that crash just now?"
Tim and Damian exchanged a look before turning to Bruce and answering at the same time. "Nothing."
Bruce looked unimpressed and Dick couldn't help but smirk.
"Nothing?" Bruce asked, unconvinced.
Tim glanced back at Damian out of the corner of his eye as the younger boy bit his lip.
Damian opened his mouth, then closed it, sighed, and said, "We had a minor...altercation, father. We're going outside to resolve our grievances now."
"Wait, alterca-were you two fighting again?" Bruce frowned at them sternly. "What did I say about-"
"No! Wait, it's not like that!" Tim quickly spat out, waving his arms. "We were playing a video game. Damian lost even though he was cheating," he glared at his brother, "and he kinda maybe kicked the couch and it may have fallen over."
"Snitch."
"You kicked it!"
"It was unintentional!"
"Oh yeah right! How do you accidentally kick a couch over, brat. I was still sitting on it!"
"How do you accidentally keep opening your traitorous mouth?!"
"Ok, ok. That's enough." Bruce stood up with an exasperated sigh. "Did you clean it up at least?"
"Of course we did."
"Yes. Of course, father. We're not animals."
"Could have fooled me."
"Dick…." Bruce put a hand to his face and massaged his temples.
Tim tapped Damian on the shoulder and pointed to the patio door. Damian nodded.
"If there are no further questions, we have an argument to settle, father."
"Yeah. We're gonna go nerf shoot each other now, so gotta go," Tim said before both boys walked out and calmly shut the door before Dick saw Damian take off at a sprint with Tim hot on his heels.
"Well that was…new," Dick pointed out with a chuckle.
Bruce just sat back down, confused by what had just happened. He was happy they were shooting each other with nerf guns. But he was also concerned because they were shooting each other with nerf guns. Did this actually count as an improvement? And wait did he buy them nerf guns? He didn't remember that. They looked relatively new.
"Dick, did you buy them nerf guns?" he asked, assuming the younger man must have been the weapons supplier.
Dick raised his hands in defense. "Sorry, B man. Wish I could take credit. But it wasn't me."
The door to the garage opened and Jason waltzed in through the kitchen, grabbing an apple. "Did I just see Tim and Damian playing outside?" He took a big bite of the apple and sat down next to Dick.
"I think they said they're fighting actually," Dick corrected, glancing back outside. Jason reached over and snagged the last piece of bacon. "Hey!" Dick reached to grab it back, but Jason quickly shoved it into his mouth. "Jason," Dick moped.
"What? I'm helping you maintain your physique. You're costumes been looking a little tight in the tummy region."
"Wha-I-You suck," Dick stumbled over his words in shock as his cheeks and ears started to turn pink. He hunched down in his seat and covered his stomach with his arms before mumbling unintelligibly to himself. "You're getting fat...Though I could probably cut back on the ice cream…"
"Jason, stop teasing your brother." Bruce wasn't ready to deal with another 'altercation' this morning. "Dick, stop it. You're not fat. And there's more bacon on the counter."
"I can't eat bacon now," Dick said, dramatically flopping forward, arms still covering his belly.
"Good. My plan worked, I'll just help myself to the rest," Jason got up and grabbed for the last pieces of bacon on the counter.
Dick flew up as well and hugged Jason from behind so his arms were pinned to his sides. "I get one."
"Get off me!" Jason shouted, trying to wriggle his way out.
Dick just tightened his arms around his younger but slightly larger brother. "Okay, I get two."
"What? No! There's only three pieces left!"
"Master Dick. Master Jason. That is enough rough housing in my kitchen." Alfred stated calmly as he walked in from the hallway. Dick and Jason froze, but didn't unlock from each other as they watched the butler get closer. "Sir," Alfred turned to face Bruce, "I found these in the study." He put two more nerf guns and a couple packages of nerf darts down on the table. "This note was next to them. It just says, 'You're welcome.' And has what I believe is referred to as a winky face."
Bruce took it, noting the purple pen that was used, and he rolled his eyes. "Of course."
Jason and Dick looked at each other before both smiled devilishly.
"Truce?"
"Truce."
Dick released Jason and Jason straightened his jacket.
They walked over and Dick slowly reached between the two older men and grabbed the guns. "I'll just taaaake these outta your way, Alfred, Bruce." He backed up and handed one off to Jason and they split the darts evenly.
Bruce raised an eyebrow at his two older sons.
Jason was already walking towards the door, hooking a hand on Dick's arm.
Dick looked back at Bruce and called back. "We'll, uh, we gotta go check on the kids."
And just like that, they shut the door and ran off toward where he'd last seen the younger sons chasing each other.
Bruce blinked a few times and pinched himself. "Am I hallucinating? What just happened? I...I need to get more sleep."
"Master Bruce," Alfred placed a warm hand on the man's shoulder. "You're not hallucinating. Your children are simply all getting along for once. I suggest you try not to spoil it by overthinking it, and just be thankful they can't do much damage with foam darts."
Bruce looked back out the window in time to see Tim and Damian jump down from a tree, nerf guns blazing as they fired at Jason and Dick. The two older boys dodged and rolled, firing back at them, successfully hitting them both multiple times in the chest, stomach, and back. Tim fell to the ground holding his stomach and laughing, while Damian dramatically fell to his knees before flopping face first into the grass.
He smiled, believing the battle to be over and won as Dick and Jason high-fived, but surprisingly, Dick pulled his nerf gun one last time and shot Jason right in the chest from point blank range. Jason, much like Damian, opted for theatrics as he stutter stepped backward and then back towards Dick, falling forward with his momentum and taking Dick down to the ground with him.
It was a very good morning.
0000000000000000
A/N: My 11 year old step sister one time told me she was going to the neighbor kids house. She did this all the time, so it was a normal thing to hear for me and I said to have fun. She then came back a few minutes later with a nerf gun. So I greeted her with a "Welcome back, what's with the nerf gun?" She turned to me from the stairs, explained that she and her brother were fighting about something and stated, "We're gonna go nerf shoot each other now, gotta go." And then she left upstairs. She said is like it was the most normal thing to do when one was arguing with one's brother. It threw me off and I was just left there laughing because it was ridiculous. It was just one of those moments where I was like...that would be a good crack fic or comic strip, and boom. Here we are.