I only allowed myself to touch her when she was asleep otherwise she might work out how badly I never wanted to let her go. Although Clara obviously had her own room in the flat, she very often slept in my bed with me which was great obviously but at the same time it only added to my pain. I was a very horrible person in the sense that I was slightly glad that Clara had depression as she wasn't out there looking for boyfriends, she was here with me. She had been scarred by her boyfriend Danny's death, Clara was too young to deal with losing somebody else close to her. I had been there after her mother died and I don't think she ever recovered from it, Danny was another load of pain too much for her. I don't think she knew I loved her, I hope not. She'd only feel guilty for the pain she caused me, it wasn't her fault, she just wasn't gay and she didn't even know I was. Atleast I don't think she does.
"Amy" She muttered and I immediately took my hand off her stomach "Why do you never sleep?"
"I have to make sure you're ok"
She smiled and tilted her head against mine "I'm ok Amy, you should sleep"
I had to wait until she fell asleep again, I'd gotten accustomed to holding her and now I couldn't fall asleep without doing so.
"Am I a bad person?" She asked out of the blue.
"No of course you're not" I answered whilst glancing down to my arm that was around her waist.
"I make you worry about me; you can keep your arm around me you know. I don't mind"
"Clara sweetheart I would worry about you even if you didn't have depression"
"Why?"
"Because you're my best friend, I'll always worry about you"
"Well you shouldn't, why do you smell like raspberry vodka?"
"Because I've been drinking raspberry vodka" I giggled.
"When and why?"
"When you were sleeping and because I was bored, thought it might help me sleep"
"How much have you had?"
"Not much, I can speak fine and see fine"
"Good, you shouldn't be randomly drinking. So you're not drunk?"
"No I drink too much for it to affect me"
"Ams" She sighed and ran her fingers through the top of my hair "Are you alright?"
"Yeah"
"Shall we have a cuddle?"
"Ok if you want" I answered tentatively before pulling out an extra blanket from under the bed and putting it over us. I rested my head next to hers and placed my hand in hers.
She placed a light kiss on my lips "Now try and go to sleep"
I licked the place on my lips where she had kissed, this hurt. It hurt too much; everything she did was like a sweet torture to me. I buried my head in the side of her neck and began to cry.
"Hey what's all this for?" I shook my head and sniffed "Amy what's the matter?"
"I'm so sorry" I hiccupped.
"Shh" She ran her fingers down the side of my face "It's alright Ams"
"No it's not Clara" I wasn't getting myself out of this one, I knew I'd have to confess "I'm so sorry"
"What are you sorry for?"
"Oh Clara" I stroked my fingers through the tips of her hair "I love you, I'm so sorry Clara"
"You're in love with me?" She clarified, I nodded and wiped another tear from my eye "Amy you don't need to be sorry for that"
"It hurts Clara, it really hurts" I admitted.
She looked at me sadly "So are you gay?" I nodded "You should have told me that Amy"
"Do you hate me? Why don't you hate me?"
"Why on earth would I hate you for that? I'm flattered if anything" She lifted my chin towards her and pressed her lips against mine "You're so special Amy" She ran her toes over my foot.
"What does this mean?"
"Amy why do you think I stay in the same bed as you?"
"For comfort"
"For you, I don't want to be apart from you. I don't know if I love you, I can't easily say that after Danny but there's something there"
"Really?" I asked hopefully.
"Really" She smiled "I'm sorry I put you through pain. You'll sleep now yeah?"
"Yeah" I sighed contently and nuzzled my head into her neck and rested my hand on her stomach.
I listened contently to Clara softly snoring for a while, it was soothing. Eventually I closed my eyes when I grew too tired "I love you Clara" I whispered before I began to drift off to sleep.