Good evening... I seem to be on some sort of website in which these poor, pathetic, wasteful refuses of human scum congregate in order to write these God-awful "stories" about yours truly. Although I am completely and utterly ashamed to see how pitiful these... people are, Headmaster Dumbledore has, shall we say, politely encouraged me to reach out to you, in order for inter-magical and muggle relations to be satisfactorily coordinated between the two worlds.
I regretfully inform the disgusting masses who inhabit the Internet that I, Severus Snape, will now be taking your questions, reading them over, and answering them.
God help us all.
I would like to also make it a point to tell you... readers, shall we call you, that I will not endure your stupid and pointlessly tasteless comments asking me to do humiliating and depraved acts of violence or sex. I am a reputable Potions Master, and I expect to be treated as should befit a gentleman. Good luck with that task, you... you mindless rabble-rousers.
On a final note I would like to make it known that any students caught tampering with these notes shall be expelled from the school as fast as humanly possible, and as soon as it is decreed permissible by the headmaster. Thank you, and good night.
-Severus Snape
P.S.
Apparently, insulting the degenerates inhabiting the web is an easy way to be fired from my post at Hogwarts.
P.S.S.
Erase all my earlier remarks towards that filth and rewrite my post.
P.S.S.S.
By the order of Forge and Gred Weasley, let it be proclaimed that Snivillus Snape is an old fashioned, old, greasy old git, and deserves to be fired from Hogwarts for his terrible fashion sense and old-wanker-itude. Thank you Internet, and remember, U-NO-POO!