NSFW, not safe for feelings either.
Cheat
Maybe she is gay. Maybe she is the biggest, most intense lesbian that has ever graced the surface on the earth. Maybe that's why everything her girlfriend is doing, makes sense. Maybe that's why breakfast in bed tastes better than it did when her boyfriends tried to make her something, maybe that's why sex with her is mind-blowing instead of nice, and maybe that's why she still gets giddy when the brunette wraps her arms around her and kisses her. It's still like kissing the darkness; it pulls you in and never lets go. She loves it.
"I got us tickets to go see Oliver Sanders tonight," She hears a familiar voice murmur in her ears, "You like him, don't you?"
She loves Oliver Sanders, and that might possibly be the biggest understatement of 2013 so far. She is laying on the couch, in her girlfriend's arms, and right when she thinks life couldn't get better, the blue eyed girl casually mentions she's got tickets to Oliver Sanders. Whose tickets had been sold out back in March when she had fruitlessly attempted to get some. So she turns around to look into bright eyes, one with a freckle, and smirks.
"I didn't know you liked him?"
"I love him." The brunette smiles, "More importantly, you love him." She leans in to peck Grace's lips gently, "So tonight, I'm going to take you out for dinner, we're going to see Oliver Sanders downtown and then I'm taking you for drinks and we'll come back here and I'm going to show you just how much I am in love with you, Helbig."
It makes her heart melt when this happens. She grins and leans in closer, cupping her lover's cheek gently as she brushes her lips against hers and pecks them once more for good measure.
"I love you so much, Hannah."
So dinner was fancier than Taco Bell. She doesn't know how Hannah even found out about this place, but it's one of those restaurants she used to joke about with Mamrie. The kind where only one party gets a menu with the food's prices and the rest of the party can just pick what they want. She frowns when she doesn't see any dollar signs on her menu, and feels tempted to ask for a regular one before she realises Hannah must have a priced one. She's tried to find out what's up with that, but the brunette has shrugged it off and said it was a treat. Lovely treat. She's gone for some kind of fancy fish thing and Hannah's settled for turkey, and they are talking about, well, nothing really, as they await their food.
"You look quite hot tonight." She winks at Hannah as she takes a sip of some red wine her girlfriend had asked for, "Am I missing something, here? Are we celebrating?"
"We are." Hannah raises her glass and grins, "We are celebrating that I have been the luckiest girl in the world for like," She squints one eye closed, "Before I left for my tour. So that's four months of me being very lucky, and you being very tolerant of me and my weird ways."
"Shut up." She smiles as she ticks her glass against Hannah's, "I don't know what I've done to deserve you, you know that?" She bites her bottom lip, "Honestly, Hannah."
They just gawk at each other for a few seconds and the fact that Hannah is biting her bottom lip as well, somehow turns her on. It's insane how easily Hannah can turn her on, it's actually getting on the verge of absolutely ridiculous. Then again, people wearing black skinnies and white shirts and a tie should never look this hot. She's tried to match the 'looking good' factor by slipping into a red dress she knows Hannah loves on her, and it's not missed its effect. The younger girl has been grinning at her every now and then, and Grace is surprised to still feel butterflies after all this time.
"Grace?" Hannah puts her glass down and runs her finger over the rim a few times, contemplating the right words to say, "I love you so much." It comes out as a stuttered lisp, or as a lisped stutter, and if it hadn't come across so genuine, Grace thinks she would have burst out laughing. "So fucking much. I wouldn't know what to do without you."
"Well, you're never going to find out." Grace takes another sip of her wine and puts the glass down too, leaning backward the tiniest bit when a waiter arrives with their food, "I know a good thing when I see it, and I'm not going to let you go."
Hannah gives her a grateful smile and she can't help but think how lucky she is. She grabs her cutlery and smiles as Hannah does the same, and they tuck into food that Grace has no idea about how the smaller one is willing to afford it on a casual night out.
She's decided that Oliver Sanders' qualities as a comedian are as brilliant as Hannah Hart's as being her girlfriend. She's nearly cried during his performance and the fact that Hannah pretty much held her hand the entire evening made it all that better. She's curious to see where this new side of the brunette has come from. Hannah, who has always been private about basically everything concerning family and girlfriends, suddenly doesn't seem to care much anymore. Now, too, Hannah grabs her hand as they walk down the sidewalk. They're walking towards Hannah's place, which was only a quarter mile from the venue.
"Hannah?" Grace speaks up as the Los Angeles sky has turned dark and the streets have become desolate in this area, "Can I ask you something stupid?"
"You can ask me anything, baby."
"What's up with you tonight?" She looks aside as Hannah seems lost in her thoughts, "You never are this," Grace looks for the right words, "Affectionate? Certainly not in public."
"I just want to show my girlfriend how much I love her." Hannah doesn't skip a beat, "That's not that strange, is it? I just really love you so much, Grace."
Fingers are linked tighter and Hannah smiles at her and for the first time during their evening, Grace suddenly feels a bitter taste in the back of her throat as her stomach does something weird. They are nearly at Hannah's and the brunette lets go off her hand and takes out her keys. The door to Hannah's flat swings open and she steps aside, letting Grace walk in first. The blonde mumbles a shy thanks and enters the flat, only to find it covered in flower petals and lit candles.
"How?" She frowns, "Hannah, what?"
"I asked Pearl to set it up while we were watching Oliver Sanders." Hannah's hands grab the jacket that's been hanging over Grace's shoulder and pulls it off softly, "I just wanted to have a very special night with you." She presses a chaste kiss upon Grace's shoulder blade, just the two of us."
"All this effort." Grace grins, "I love this." She turns around to face her a lover, "I love you." She adds, and Hannah smiles and turns to hang up her jacket, "Jesus Christ, Hannah. You'd think that you were trying to make up for something."
It's meant as a joke, but her eyes are focussed on Hannah, accidentally, and she's certain that the smaller girl suddenly shivers. Something is wrong. Grace doesn't move as Hannah quickly disappears in to the hallway and hangs up their jackets before returning. In the span of a few seconds, Grace's heart has started thumping loudly in all the nerve ends of her body. Just ask her. A nagging voice in the back of her mind spurs her on, Ask if anything is wrong and have her deny it and then you can enjoy the rest of this evening. She looks down at her feet for a second and inhales deeply.
"Hannah?" She asks, slowly, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Hannah doesn't skip a beat, "I just wanted to do something special for you, is all."
Grace has had one psychology class in her entire life, which only lasted for one semester. She doesn't remember much from it, if anything at all, but one thing stuck with her – liars tend to look to the left. And Hannah's eyes can't look any more left if they tried. She feels sick.
"Don't lie to me." It comes out as a whisper, "Hannah." She tries again, and the brunette looks up and there's obvious tears brimming in bright blue eyes, "Oh my God. Hannah, what did you do?"
"I didn't mean to." Hannah cracks, "I am so sorry, Grace. I didn't mean to – it, it just happened."
"What happened?" Grace feels like she's going to be sick, "What are you talking about?"
"I slept with someone."
Deafening silence. She cheated on me. Hannah cheated on me. There are too many questions and they all seem to flood her mind simultaneously. Hannah slept with someone – how does that even happen? Don't affairs start out with making out and all that? And how can she have cheated while she has been gone on tour? She's visited Hannah on that tour. She can't have – oh God. It's Pearl. She's cheated on her with Pearl. No, 'cause Pearl is straight. Then again, she was straight too, until one Hannah Hart came along. And Hannah said Pearl had set this entire flat up for tonight, so it can't have been Pearl. Hannah is coming closer now, trying to reach out for her hand, but she's quick to snatch it out of reach.
"Don't touch me." Grace mutters, "You – you cheated on me?" She looks up to face Hannah, who now has tears streaming down her cheeks, "You cheated?"
"I didn't mean to." Hannah cries, "Grace, you have got to believe me, I -"
"Who is it?"
"Grace, it doesn't matter, I -"
"It does fucking matter!" Grace lashes out, "It matters to me. Who the hell did you cheat on me with?"
"I don't even remember her name." Hannah cries, "We were on the road and when we were in Ohio, I just felt so lonely without you there, and I went for some drinks and this girl -"
Oh my God.
"You had a one night stand." Grace states, backing away, "Oh my – fuck, Hannah. I – I need to get out of here. I want to go home."
"Grace, don't." Hannah's jumped between Grace and the hallway now, barring the way. "Don't go, please. I don't want you to go."
"You don't have any right to tell me to do anything." The blonde, too, has started crying, "You slept with some girl. You spent months talking to me how it messed you up when your ex cheated on you and how you didn't understand how people were capable of that and – you are a fucking hypocrite."
"Grace, I couldn't help it!" Hannah mumbles, "I was lonely."
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Grace yells, and for a second Hannah is worried that one of her neighbours is going to call the cops, "Don't you think I was lonely, Hannah? You left on a stupid tour for a few months and I had come out twice to see you because I couldn't stand to be alone. You were doing whatever shit you did on that tour and I was sitting here, with my fucking dog, doing videos." She points her finger at Hannah, "This is fucking Los Angeles, Hannah. I get hit on when I go buy a fucking carton of orange juice. Don't you think I have been lonely? Don't you think I have had men come up to me and asked me if I fancied doing shit with them?" She feels too angry now, "I felt lonely every single night when you didn't get the chance to call me for whatever reason. And did I end up fucking someone? No. And you know why? Because that is fucking cheating and I would have never even thought of doing that to you."
"It didn't mean anything." Hannah sobs, "Grace, please."
"So tonight," Grace purses her lips together, "What's this been about, Hannah? Some fucking delayed guilt trip? You think buying me dinner makes up for it?"
"No." Hannah mutters, "I just – I was gonna tell you, Grace. I was gonna tell you later this week. I just, I just wanted to have one more night where you were happy and in love with me, because I was scared that once I'd tell you, you'd want nothing more to do with me." She's frantic now, "And I can't handle that, Grace, 'cause I love you so much. I love you so fucking much and I have messed up so badly and I just can't -"
"I hate you."
Hannah gasps as the words roll past Grace's lips and she lets her guard down for a moment. Grace tries to push past her and nearly succeeds until Hannah takes a step back and puts her arm against the wall, keeping Grace from going. It turns into a push and shove, where Grace tries to push Hannah out of the way and the brunette wraps her arms around Grace's waist in a poor attempt to keep her where she's at.
"Grace, let me explain. I just -"
"Let go." Grace yells, "Get your fucking hands off of me."
Hannah responds by only holding onto her harder and before she knows it, her cheek is stinging and Grace's palm of her right hand is throbbing as well. The slap Grace's dealt her, echoes in her ears and it seems to have shocked Grace as well. They stand in silence, their breathing ragged and uneven as Grace leans her back against the wall and Hannah cups her own cheek, trying to sting the burn.
"I love you." She whispers, and her confession makes Grace sob, "Baby, please."
"Don't you fucking dare." Grace holds her hands up and cries again, "Don't you dare tell me that you love me when you have slept with some Ohioan girl because you didn't see me for two weeks."
"Grace," Hannah drops her hands to her sides as she looks up at the blonde tearfully, "I have never regretted anything more in my life." She whispers, "And I promise you, the second it ended, I knew that I had made the biggest mistake in my life. I thought it was going to make me feel better and it made me feel worse." She starts to cry again, "It only made me realise how much I actually want to spend my life with you, and now – oh God."
Grace finally gets the concept of feeling numb. She's looking at her girlfriend – is she still her a girlfriend, or is a declaration of cheating as much as a formal break up- but she may as well look right through her. The same is happening to her hearing. Hannah's saying words and fucking hell, she's using a lot of them, but they don't seem to register properly anymore. Without making any more of a fuss, Grace simply tries to push past Hannah and leave. It's somewhere close to midnight and she'll have to phone a taxi of some sorts, but she can't bear to stay here, with Hannah, any longer. Hannah seems to have other plans.
"I don't want to be here anymore, Hannah." Grace manages to say, calmly, "I don't have anything else to say to you."
"Grace, please."
"Leave it." The blonde sighs, "I don't want to hear it."
She manages to get to the front door before Hannah pushes the door shut underneath her own arm and then yanks her back, pinning Grace against the door and roughly cupping her face and kissing her. Hannah's lips feel foreign, all of a sudden. Grace doesn't do anything to fight back. The sooner Hannah is done doing whatever she's trying on doing, the faster she can leave. But Hannah's minor success of kissing her without getting smacked down, seems to encourage the younger girl. She pulls back and bites her bottom lip and looks in between dark brown eyes, searching for an answer on the question of how she can make this right.
"Let me make it up to you." She whispers, "Please, Grace. I'll do anything."
"I don't want you to."
"Fuck." Hannah mumbles, "Grace, please. Please, please, please."
"No." Grace pushes her off, landing Hannah with her back against the wall. She doesn't know why, but she wants to make a point, and pins Hannah against the wall herself now, her voice a dangerously low growl, "Leave me alone, Hannah."
The brunette gasps. What the fuck. For a second, Grace is flustered. Then she feels Hannah pull away from her slightly and she realises what caused the sound. Her knee is firmly pressed against the crease between Hannah's legs and this is what made Hannah grunt. It is terribly sad, and at the same time it enrages her. Grace frowns as Hannah tries to not acknowledge what has just happened, and then she shake her head.
"Honestly?" She hisses, "You're turned on right now?"
"N-no." Hannah shakes her head, "Grace, I'm sorry, I -"
"Stop lying." Grace feels angry, "You are turned on right now, aren't you."
"Grace." The brunette pleads, "Come on."
"Are you?" Grace pushes against her harder, "Or aren't you?"
"Yes." Hannah sighs in frustration, "Yeah, I am. So go on, Grace. Give me some more shit about it." The smaller girl laughs bitterly, "Come on, this can't get any worse anyway. Call me a whore or something 'cause I really don't care anymore. I've fucked it up badly enough, I can deal with it."
They stare at each other, brown eyes piercing through blue ones, and then Grace's lips are close to Hannah's ears as slender fingers dig into the skin of her sides.
"You still want to do anything possible to make up to me?" She mumbles.
"Yeah." Hannah responds, confusion obvious in her voice.
"Good." Grace pulls back, "Get naked."
"Wha-"
"Get naked." Grace states matter-of-factly, "Right here, right now. Get naked."
Hannah frowns but starts to loosen up her tie slowly, unsure what the plan is here. She's undone the knot as Grace reaches out and pulls it off her, wrapping it around her hand slowly as Hannah takes off her vest and drops it to the floor, before unbuttoning her shirt. Grace leans against the opposite wall, nearly a metre away from Hannah, and simply watches as the younger girl takes off her shirt and then starts on her trousers. A few moments later, Hannah is standing in her underwear, looking at Grace in confusion.
"Naked." Grace emphasises.
The brunette is clearly uncomfortable as she reaches behind her back and unclasps her bra, immediately covering up her breasts as the small piece of fabric hits the floor as well. Grace looks at her with empty eyes and sighs.
"Close your eyes." She mumbles, "Hands in front, please."
Hannah still has no idea where this is going, but does as she's asked. Getting naked is surely a weird way for Grace to forgive her for her misstep, but as long as it means the blonde is okay with her in the end, she figures it's worth it. She closes her eyes and holds her hands out and then there is rustling and before she knows what's happening, Grace has tied her wrists together with her own tie. Hannah's eyes shoot wide open, confusion upon her features as Grace finally smirks.
"Seeing as how you were so horny that you found it necessary to sleep with some random girl," Grace says quietly, "Let's see how hard I need to fuck you in order for you to remember me."
It's both terrifying and arousing, Hannah realises. She wants to say something to this, but Grace has already pushed her down to the floor and being unprepared for this, she ends up on the wooden hardboard with a loud thud. Grace kneels next to her and rapidly pulls her panties down to her ankles before pushing her hand between her thighs. She looks at Hannah with something in between contempt and disgust.
"Is this how she fucked you?" She asks, bitterly, "Or did she lick you out?"
Hannah shakes her head. She doesn't know whether saying she actually did stuff to the girl instead of the other way around, would make matters better or worse. So she keeps quiet and suppresses a moan even when Grace pushes inside of her. The blonde moves back and forth and despite the fact it's rough, she can't help but liking it. Grace's fingers get deep inside of her and despite being constraint, she feels a familiar tremor in her body building up. The blonde doesn't seem to notice and keeps going, pumping her arm and causing Hannah to curl her toes.
"Grace." Hannah cries out as the blonde pushes into her more vigorously, "Jesus."
"Cum for me then." Grace feels a lump in her throat as Hannah writhes beneath her, wondering whether this is a recreation of what happened in Ohio, "I wanna see what that bitch saw when she made you cum."
"She didn't – ow!" Hannah manages to mutter, "I did her, but I didn't let her touch me – Grace, stop. You're hurting me." Hannah grimaces as she tries to slide backwards.
It gets Grace out of her rut. She's looking down at Hannah who's now just laying on the floor and redraws her finger before sitting back, her back against the wall. She doesn't even want to be in this red dress anymore, right now. She watches Hannah pant before looking on as the smaller girl struggles to sit up and finally scoot closer until she sits next to her. Almost automatically, Grace reaches over and undoes the knot in the tie, allowing Hannah's hands to spring free. She's back to feeling numb, the angry feeling is well and all that's left is void emptiness.
"I'm so sorry, Grace." Hannah whispers and despite the fact she really can't stand Hannah right now, she has to admit that the girl sounds genuine, "I wish I could make it better, for real."
Grace looks aside to look at the girl before throwing her white shirt at her to cover up. Hannah puts it on and buttons a few buttons up before reaching over for her black panties and putting them back on again. They sit in silence for a few moments and then she can't stand it anymore. She turns to face Grace and wraps her arms around the blonde's neck and presses her lips against the girl's forehead and doesn't let go. Grace keeps still for a few moments and then breaks down, and this time her cries are desperate and raw and the sound of them cut right through Hannah like shattered glass. She wants to make this right and she's afraid that even her most valiant attempt would never make up for what she's done to Grace now.
"If you want," She whispers, "I'll drive you home. I know you're angry, Grace. I'm really sorry about this. Want me to drive you home?"
Grace feels too numb to do anything but nod.
It takes them nine minutes. Nine minutes in which Hannah drives and Grace just sits in her passenger seat, looking in front of her and not acknowledging Hannah whatsoever. They pull up in front of the suburb house that's Helbig's, and Hannah kills the engine before looking at Grace.
"Grace?" She asks, and she feels like she's never been this vulnerable, "Just to be absolutely sure… Are we, um," She inhales deeply, "Is this it? Like, are we over?"
"What do you think?" Grace responds, glumly.
"I – sorry." Hannah feels tears coming up again, despite realising that of course, Grace was going to hate her after this, "I, um… I'll bring your stuff over later this week?" She tries to say anything that can make Grace stay in her car for a bit longer, "Grace?" She pleads, "I was serious about what I said. I regret it more than anything, and I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. And I always will. So know that like, whenever you'd forgive me, be it in a few months or a few years, I'll be right here." She wets her lips, "I swear. I'm going to wait for you if there is only the littlest bit of hope that you might forgive me one day."
"It's not that I hate you." Grace hears herself say, emotionless, "I still love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything before. But you cheated, Hannah. I can't trust you anymore."
"You still love me?" Hannah echoes, and Grace wonders whether she's missed the rest of the sentence, "Grace – if… If you do, please. Can we work it out? We can go do couple's therapy, right? Or we can start over? Take it slow? Grace, baby, I'll do anything."
Grace looks at her street through the windshield of Hannah's car. It's dark and empty and it represents how she feels, perfectly. She glances at Hannah and the brunette is looking at her with so much sincerity it nearly makes her taste bile in her throat once again. And she hates to admit it, but that stupid freckle in Hannah's eye is as representative for the light in her darkness as the flickering lantern at the end of her street. And then she nods.
"Okay." She mumbles, defeated.
"Okay?" Hannah repeats, "Um. What do – what does that mean?"
"One more chance." Grace's voice croaks, "I'll give you one more chance. But if you ever make me feel half as shit as you have done tonight, Hannah, I swear to God -"
"Never." Hannah interrupts her, "Oh God, Grace." She leans over and pulls the blonde closer into her arms, "I'll never hurt you again. And I'll right my wrongs, baby. I promise."
Grace remains still in the embrace. Hannah pulls back and looks at her girlfriend for a few seconds before pressing her lips against her gently. She does it a few times until Grace pushes back against her, and then she pulls back to tuck some of Grace's blonde hair behind her ear.
"I do love you." Hannah whispers, her thumb rubbing Grace's cheek gently, "I'll make it up to you. I've been such an idiot."
"I don't want to talk about it anymore." The blonde sighs, "Not now."
"What would you like to do then?" Hannah tries, never stopping to stroke Grace's cheek.
"Can you," Grace sighs, "Can you stay the night? I don't want to be alone, and even though you have…" She gestures, "I really don't want to be by myself."
Hannah nods and in a blink of an eye, she's at the other side of the car, opening Grace's door and linking their fingers the second Grace got out of her Prius. They walk to Grace's door in silence and Goose can be heard paddling around at the other side of Grace's front door. Hannah lets go of her and waits patiently for the blonde to open the door. The older girl flicks on the lights and walks through, as Hannah pats Goose on the head for a few moments as the dog gently licks her hand. Her eyes, however, are focussed on Grace. The blonde stands still in the middle of her living room and takes off her jacket before looking back at Hannah, who's squatting at her front door, petting her dog.
"We'll be fine, eventually." Grace says after a while, "We'll get through it."
They both know it's a hefty promise and serious words, but they both wish to believe it. So Hannah nods and gets up, closing the front door and walking over to Grace to hug her. They stand there for a few moments, just holding on to each other as Hannah confirms their secret oath.
"Yeah." She mutters, "We will."