Jessica had felt the situation slowly spinning out of control as it was happening. That was the thing about being an attorney, and a good one at that: the ability to read people and the way they will unravel becomes almost like a basic instinct. She felt the sheer enormity of Harvey's frustration go from a 5 to a 37, on a scale of zero to punch-this-prick-in-the-face, in a matter of what seemed like seconds.
She had tried to intervene. She had attempted to halt the deposition, telling the stenographer that they were done there for now. But Tanner just wouldn't stop; he just kept going. Harvey rarely lost his cool, that was one of the things about him that she came to expect. Even when he was annoyed or irritated, it rarely got beyond a certain point. Most of the time, he'd make some wise crack and then walk away. But he couldn't walk away now. Today was much different.
The punch seemed to connect and almost ricochet off of Tanner's face. Jessica stood silently, watching Harvey and Tanner nose to nose, wondering momentarily if any other blows were going to be thrown. The level of testosterone leaped throughout the room for what seemed like 5 extra minutes, when in reality it was only about 45 seconds, and then Tanner was gone. Jessica was equally amused and baffled. After all, Tanner had completely deserved the interruption his lip had received, but when Harvey's eyes met hers she managed a look of displeasure.
"Harvey," Jessica stated plainly, neither as a question or a warning. The damage had already been done. Jessica brisked past him, knowing with almost unwavering certainty that he would follow her towards her office. She had practiced specific tones for years. The one she had just used to utter his name screamed, 'My office. Now.'
They walked in silence towards Jessica's office. Numerous pairs of eyes followed their movements, some people tried to be discreet, others had no shame. Jessica heard the hushed whispers of those relaying what they had just witnessed through the pristine glass doors. She hoped, though rather unrealistically, that the silence and the purposeful stride in Harvey's steps would rid him of whatever pent up anger still that was still in his veins. Unfortunately, for both of their sakes, that wasn't the case.
Once they reached her office, Harvey reached around her to get the door. If her mind hadn't already been rushing a mile a minute trying to figure out their next move she might have been charmed. But she grabbed hold of her rather colorful affinity for him and redirected it as she walked past him and into her office. She stopped at her desk and turned around to face him. Harvey stood in the middle of the room, noticeably rattled, he was teetering on his feet as if he was fighting the urge to start pacing. His eyes ran over her face and when they registered the look there, his jaw tightened even further.
"Oh Jessica, don't look at me like that," Harvey huffed, the air that was holding that sentence hostage rushed out of his lungs.
"Harvey, what reaction am I supposed to have, hmm?" Jessica countered, with a tilt of her head. She sympathized with his obvious though mildly misplaced anger. "Would you like a high five for introducing your fist to that man's face?"
"That'd be a start," Harvey replied bitterly, his face laced with expressions of him reliving what Tanner had just said to him.
"Harvey, take a deep breath," Jessica recommended as she walked towards him, she hadn't seen him so unglued in a long time. Harvey was king of the oh-so-put-together exterior. It took a lot to draw out any sort of emotion from him that wasn't laced with characteristics of his sarcasm, wit or charm.
"I'm fine," He assured her, his tone held the same tension that his jaw did.
"Let me see your hand," Jessica requested lightly, reaching for the hand that had connected squarely with Tanner's mouth.
The coolness of her fingertips, startled Harvey. He hadn't expected her to touch him and until she took his hand, he hadn't realized how he had been clenching and unclenching his fist. The skin over his knuckles was flushed and red but not broken. His eyes shut for a brief second as she examined his hand. He suddenly didn't want to be there.
"I'm fine," Harvey repeated, softer this time. He wouldn't admit it to her because he could barely admit it to himself, but her concern did make him feel better. Yet he wanted to leave at the same time. Tanner's insinuations about the two of them began resurfacing just as they had started to go away. More so his implication of what Jessica represented to Harvey. Her actions in that moment were magnifying his words tenfold. Harvey pulled his hand away from her grasp.
Jessica's eyes looked up at his face, trying to gauge whether he had calmed down enough to truly receive what she was going to say. She noted the tightness of his jaw was still there, his breathing was still a bit shallow with anger, but he seemed more present than he had been when they first stepped into her office.
"So, it appears you can throw a punch," Jessica exclaimed carefully, watching his face for a reaction. She was half praising, half chastising him.
"You wanna wait a couple more minutes before the lecture?" Harvey countered.
"No, I don't think I do," Jessica retorted, mildly irritated that he was turning his frustration and the subsequent consequences from his own actions, on her. "And I don't lecture, nor do I nag. I just say what needs to be said, whether you want to hear it or not."
"If he had known what was good for him, he would've quit while he was ahead." Harvey said bitterly, irritation all over his face. "But he just had to keep going."
"That was the point, Harvey," Jessica stated plainly. "He was baiting you. He was going to say whatever it took to get under your skin."
"Well, someone else who hates me should call him and say congratulations, because it worked." Harvey admitted, raising his hands in a show of frustration. "He had no right to bring you into it."
Jessica's expression changed. She felt sure that she had heard him correctly, but the manner in which he said it was oddly peppered with redirection.
"Harvey, I'm quite certain that wasn't really about me, not entirely." Jessica maintained, crossing her arms in front of her. She shifted her stance just slightly.
"What?" Harvey questioned, his forehead furrowing incredulously in confusion. "Of course it was, it was completely disrespectful."
"That wasn't the first time someone has made a misguided comment about the nature of our relationship," Jessica reasoned calmly. "And as I recall, it's never resulted in a fat lip."
"I told him to shut up as soon as he even gestured to you." Harvey exclaimed, determined to attach her name to the catalyst that pushed him over the edge.
"You did," Jessica agreed gently. "Which I appreciate, but if it was really just about me, your reaction was a bit disproportionate, wouldn't you agree?"
"No, I wouldn't." Harvey exclaimed, shaking his head. "I wish I would've hit him harder."
"Harvey, words are weapons. Especially in our line of work." Jessica explained. "You are too brilliant and sharp-tongued yourself to ever forget that. You just gave him what he wanted."
"Well hopefully he wants more of it so then he can be in a world of hurt."
"This isn't a joke."
"I'm not laughing," Harvey assured her.
"I get that you're upset, Harvey." Jessica maintained, her heart going out to him because he still couldn't seem to let his anger fully dissipate. "But you cannot act like that. I feel idiotic even having to say that to you because I know you know better."
"So, we go to trial then. I'm going to love watching you gut him and then juggle his kidneys and spleen." Harvey raved emphatically.
"Wow, someone is feeling particularly violent today."
Harvey didn't have a retort for that, he just stood there and breathed. Waiting for the monumental amount of anger that was still careening through his body to subside. Jessica watched him silently, he broke their eye contact and looked out the window. He focused on a random panel on a building in the distance that seemed to be connecting with the sky line.
"That can't happen again. Yes, he was completely out of line and I understand that but we're both lucky that was only a deposition and jury members didn't witness you completely lose it," Jessica began smoothly. "He's going to pull out all the stops, every single last one and you have to be prepared for it. You have to be prepared for what he's going to say and how he's going to try and make you feel. How he's going to spin what he says and use any and everything against you. You have to be ready. Because now we are definitely going to court. There is no way he is going to offer a settlement that includes you not being disbarred. You think he had an ax to grind before? Never mind that, now he'll be out for blood and your bone marrow."
"I will be ready and it won't happen again," Harvey said matter of factly. "And just for the record, this is starting to sound like a lecture."
Jessica watched him thoughtfully, the next phrase dancing dangerously on her tongue. She was weighing whether or not she should go there, after everything that had just happened and how explosively he had reacted. But she knew Harvey, she knew he wanted to be done with the conversation and she wasn't finished. She was going to say this and it was undoubtedly going to grab and hold his attention. If she was lucky, he would even do what she wanted in that moment: actually open up. Jessica knew more about Harvey than most people, but this was a topic even she was a little murky on.
"I should stop then. Am I beginning to sound a bit like her?" Jessica questioned overtly. Harvey's eyes found hers almost instantaneously.
"Like who?" He questioned after a lengthy pause, his voice had revisited its prior strain.
"The woman that altercation was really about," Jessica responded lightly. "Your mother."
Just hearing her referenced from Jessica's mouth almost made Harvey double over in pain. He always felt like he could show a certain type of vulnerability with Jessica because she knew him so well, but this was uncharted territory even for them. The silence cascaded through Jessica's office as their eye contact held. Jessica could see the pain on Harvey's face, he wasn't even angry anymore, he was just in agony. She wanted him to be able to let it out, to spill it all. It was obvious that he hadn't talked about this woman to anyone in quite some time, the way he had reacted to Tanner gave her that initial impression, the way he was reacting to her now bringing it back up, solidified it.
"You're nothing like her so you couldn't sound like her," Harvey said lightly, finally breaking the silence, as he let out a huge breath he had apparently been holding in. He felt weak and uncomfortable and emotional, which were all feelings he was unaccustomed to and resented.
"Tell me," Jessica implored softly.
"Tell you what?" Harvey replied, already knowing what she meant. The obvious nature of the conversation was unraveling beyond his control.
"About your mother, about what she did, about why you're reacting like this to her being mentioned," Jessica elaborated, the way you sometimes had to when someone needed to have something literally dragged from the confines of their past.
"I don't want to talk about it," Harvey said dismissively, taking another deep breath. He walked towards the window so he wouldn't have to see her face urge him further, because he was certain that was what would happen next.
"Harvey," Jessica began, her eyes following him across the room.
"Jessica, I don't want to talk about it. It doesn't matter. It's not important. I'm not going to waste my breath on it." Harvey maintained somewhat defiantly.
"But you'll waste pent up anger and frustration on it?" Jessica asked. "That's usually what happens with feelings that are not dealt with. Feelings that are fought or blocked out, they have a tendency to erupt without our permission, when we least expect it."
Jessica studied Harvey silently. Only part of his face was visible to her from where she sat leaning on her desk. She noted every ounce of his stance, of his breath, trying to figure out if he would break, if he would open up to her, if he would let it out. There was a double meaning in her asking him to tell her about his mother. She obviously didn't want him flying off the handle when he was questioned in court, but more so she wanted the allusiveness of his emotional shortcomings to make absolute sense. Jessica had always assumed Harvey was the way that he was because of something that happened in his past, something that was tied to his parents. When she had asked about them years ago, he gave her some weak and surface story and rarely mentioned them again. His pain obviously went deep with this.
She wanted to know, she wanted him to tell her.
Harvey thought about her words. They played in his head for a couple of minutes. He could feel her gaze as he looked out the window at the incredibly stunning view of the city. Part of him really wanted to open up to her, part of him knew that she was absolutely right. That was the last thing he had expected to come out of Tanner's mouth when he had sat down for the deposition. It had caught him by such a surprise that he hadn't have time to harness his anger. All of this was bringing up memories and feelings and he just couldn't handle it. He didn't want to. He felt he shouldn't have to. He turned around to look at her.
"It won't happen again," Harvey said with immaculate self-assuredness.
Jessica sat in silence as he gave her a knowing look before walking towards the door and leaving her office. She had known it would be a long shot to get him to open up but at least she had tried.
Jessica felt ill; nausea was rifling through her core. She knew that this would happen. Not that Harvey would settle, because she absolutely hadn't known that or even seen it coming. But she knew that Daniel wouldn't really play fair for any long period of time. She knew that he was still the same old snake. Just lying in the grass, biding his time. Waiting for the opportunity to raise his head and strike. But for this to be his opening, for Harvey to agree to settle, virtually out of nowhere. She couldn't even really fathom it.
Jessica could feel Harvey trying to make eye contact with her as they left the room. She could even hear him saying things. She heard certain words but she couldn't really distinguish them; her mind was a jumbled mess of her own panic and betrayal. She swallowed and told herself to reign in her emotions, as they walked. She prided herself on her enormous composure, even in the face of a catastrophe. She had to keep it together. She passed her office on purpose. If he was going to explain this to her, he would have to do so in a room without glass doors. Just in case she killed him.
Harvey was racking his brain on what to say. On how he was going to explain to her why he had just done that. But all explanations felt short and lame merely running through his mind. He hadn't thought that Daniel would try and use this. He didn't know why he hadn't thought of it. He was so busy thinking about what he was putting the entire firm through to even entertain the thought of Daniel being so malicious and underhanded. Hindsight was definitely 20/20 because now, walking alongside Jessica, who was trying to keep from strangling him right there in the hallway, he could see it all clear as day.
They reached the elevators and Jessica pushed the down button. She silently prayed that no one was in the elevator. God was on her side with that one because an empty elevator opened to the two of them in seconds. Once they were inside and the doors closed Harvey tried again.
"Jessic-," Harvey began, desperate to explain himself as soon as possible
"Do not talk," Jessica cut him off with distinct precision, her voice sharp.
They rode the rest of the elevator ride in complete silence. Harvey could feel the intensity of her anger and there was an underlining current of something else there that he couldn't place. Her body language did not, however, give her away. To those who did not know her, she looked to be the epitome of equanimity. But he knew her and he knew the situation. The fact that his split second decision had been the force behind what they were now facing, pained him to the point that he felt sick. He had been so sure after speaking with both Louis and Mike that the cost of going to trial would be significantly more than just settling. It would just be better. Better for her, better for everyone. How could he have misjudged the situation so severely?
How could this be their current reality?
The elevator started to open and she was out of the doors before they had fully extracted. Harvey took a deep breath and followed her, knowing what was coming. He both dreaded it and knew he fully and completely deserved it. Jessica walked into the file room and he followed, closing the door behind them. He watched her walk further into the room but stayed near the door. He knew he shouldn't infringe on her space, even though he wanted to. He didn't want to overwhelm her with his reasons and his apologies because he knew they wouldn't help much.
Jessica was trying to allow her brain to facilitate exactly what she needed to say. She felt jumbled and enraged and sad. A lethal combination and even though it was just the two of them she still wanted to maintain some sense of control over her emotions. He was going to feel her wrath but she didn't want to unleash it all. She still felt like she had to protect herself.
"I must be the world's biggest fool," Jessica began, her voice oddly even. "Because there is really no other explanation for me standing here in front of you after what just happened. There is no other possible reason for the fact that I can feel myself grasping and clawing to hold onto my position at this firm, other than you are even more self involved than I originally gave you credit for and I just couldn't see it."
"Jessic-" Harvey began quickly, it rocked him to his core that she was saying these things to him. That she was looking at him with such disbelief and hurt and downright animosity.
"Shut up!" Jessica exclaimed, her tone losing every even keel, her fists balling at her sides. She took a deep breath to try and regain her lost composure. Harvey's face fell as he bit the inside of his mouth. This was excruciating for the both of them.
"There is clearly something very, very wrong with me." Jessica began again, as she altered her stance, feeling her anger shifting inside of her. "That I continually put myself on the line for you and you just simply have no regard for me in the process. You just do whatever it is that you want. Whatever Harvey wants! Whatever Harvey thinks is best for Harvey. No regard, no concern, no thought. I almost want to sit here and list the number of sacrifices I have made on your behalf, but I'm already feeling pretty shitty about myself and my utter blindness when it comes to you. Your narcissism is astounding."
"Okay, stop." Harvey managed through the daggers she was throwing at him with compounding clarity.
"Stop? Oh, you don't feel as though you should have to listen to this? That you somehow shouldn't have to hear about how royally you've screwed up? How absolutely devastating it is to realize that after everything I have done for you that you don't care enough about me to have my back."
"No, I won't accept that." Harvey said with urgency. He still wanted to close the gap of space in between them but he maintained that he probably shouldn't. Her anger and frustration was still emanating off of her. "I screwed up, I did. But I will not accept you saying that I don't care about you."
"Well of course you do," Jessica laughed bitterly, throwing her arms up in frustration. "When I'm saving your ass. When I'm compromising myself for you. When I'm believing in you so ferociously that I can't see straight. When I'm this close to losing my standing at this firm because you had some sudden change of heart."
"Just let me explain," Harvey asked as he took a step towards her. Jessica, although still a few feet away didn't like that move.
"Let me ask you a question Harvey," Jessica stated, scanning his frame to see if he planned on moving any closer. "Do you think your explanation will be sufficient? Do you think that whatever reason you can conjure up will make this less of an annihilation?"
"No," Harvey stated sadly, as he took a deep breath of his own. This was so difficult for him; he had a hard time trying to even form words. The one person who had always believed in him, who had always stuck by him, who he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt would fight for him: hated him in that moment. Deep down he knew that she hated his decision and his mistake rather than actually hating him, but right then he couldn't differentiate the two. "No, I know that it won't. But I still need you to hear it."
"I just let it go on and on," Jessica started again, completely disregarding what he had just said. Feeling her anxiety and fear creep slowly up her spine at what this all really meant for her. "I didn't know when to put you in your place. I forgave all your missteps and hiccups. I made excuses for you and your behavior. I cleaned up every single mess. I even took on the biggest liability agreeing to let that kid stay. For you! God, I must be the most shortsighted person that ever lived."
"I voted to settle for you. I voted to settle for everyone." Harvey exclaimed, feeling her anger and the effects of her words start to make him lose his own footing. The look on her face was tormenting. She was wounding him deeply and he couldn't really deal with it anymore without making her hear him.
"Are you out of your mind?" Jessica asked, her face a mix of confusion and frustration. "I can't do this."
Jessica suddenly felt like whatever he was going to spin or try to charm his way into was something she was unable to witness. She walked quickly to the door but was cut off by him stepping in front of it to purposely block it. Jessica almost couldn't believe his boldness. Though it somehow wasn't unbelievable. She wondered how that could be, both shocked and not surprised by someone's actions. An oxymoron. Their eye contact held and Jessica summoned her courage and strength to shoot him a poignant look. He didn't budge.
"Move," Jessica demanded.
"No," Harvey said simply, lightly shaking his head. He was borderline frightened for his existence, but he conveyed a level of persistence that she didn't want to combat. Jessica for a split second didn't have a move, she had completely wrung herself dry with her overt show of emotions over the shock and reality of what she was now up against with Daniel. Harvey standing in front of her that way: unyielding, it almost took her breath away. She didn't know how to process it. She didn't know where to put it. Even though she couldn't stand him in that moment, she also wanted to hear him. She wanted to back up but she stayed where she was.
"I voted to settle because this whole thing was my fault," Harvey explained calmly. "Everyone, especially you, was bending over backwards to help me. To make sure that I wasn't disbarred. Going to trail would have been too much. It would have dragged the firm's name in the mud. It would have cost us clients. Even if we won."
"If," Jessica cut him off. The word seemed to escape her mouth against her own volition. She had been listening and that word stuck out. "You don't think we would have won? You don't think I would have fought for you?"
"No, I know that you would have. I know that as surely as I know that I'm standing here breathing," Harvey replied urgently. "But I didn't want you to have to."
"Harvey-"
"Listen to me," Harvey continued. "I thought that this was the best conceivable option. And believe it or not I didn't come to that decision lightly or on a whim. Louis, of all people, showed me how selfish I was being. How this whole thing was hurting people and he reminded me of how ruthless Tanner would be. Mike held a similar position. But Jessica, if I had known that Hardman would pull this, I would have never ever voted to settle. You have to believe that."
Jessica studied his face. She heard him, she really did and a part of her truly believed what he was saying. But she was frantic inside. She felt like she was drowning and there was no one there to propel her towards some oxygen.
"But, you couldn't have told me Harvey?" Jessica questioned. "You couldn't have pulled me aside, before we were in a room in front of all of the partners and you publicly vote against me?"
"I know," Harvey admitted ruefully. It hurt him that this was all still, essentially his doing, even if he was trying to right a wrong. "It really was a last minute decision. I didn't make it thinking it would hurt anyone, least of all you. Knowing that something that I did puts you in this position, it kills me."
Jessica didn't have words. She was suddenly void of syllables to string together in order to express any one of the dozens of emotions that were making their way through her body. She could tell by the look in his eyes that he completely meant every single word that he was saying. But regardless of that, she still knew that she was on the precipice of a cliff and Daniel Hardman was inching towards her preparing to shove her off. She finally took the step back from him that she wanted to earlier and broke their eye contact. Harvey let the silence sit as he watched her processing everything. He wanted to reach out and touch her but he couldn't bring himself to do it, especially since she had just stepped away from him to create more space between them. Harvey knew that he wasn't done. What he had just said didn't even begin to cover the magnitude of what had happened and thus, what they were now facing.
"Jessica, look at me." Harvey pleaded softly. Jessica closed her eyes for a moment, gathered herself and looked back at him. "I know that I probably don't deserve half of the things that you do for me. I can't fully grasp it all in it's totality, but I am more aware of it on a daily basis than you probably realize. I am forever indebted to you and your kind heart. That's probably why I have you on such a pedestal in my mind."
Jessica listened and felt a really odd sensation in her chest, it trickled up to her throat where she promptly forced it down with all of her might. She blinked as she tried to maintain eye contact with him but it was difficult.
"I am so sorry," Harvey continued. "There isn't much I can say, except to promise you that he will pay for this. Daniel Hardman is not going to take your position. I don't care what has to be done. He will not win. Not against you and I. He's no match for us. He thinks he is. He thinks he has the upper hand but he doesn't. He was waiting for a misstep. One that I unknowingly gave to him. But this isn't over, it's just beginning. That man will pay for this and you don't think for a second that I won't fight him tooth and nail for you."
"He has to burn for this." Jessica stated unapologetically, after a moment.
"He will. He absolutely will."
Amongst Jessica's indistinguishable emotions she knew Harvey was right. Daniel Hardman wouldn't get away with this. They would both fight him until the end. And they would fight him together.