It always kind of bugged me that I left poor Pitman out of the original Danger! Drunk Officers! so I came up with this version. As you can see, some events are the same, some are similar, some have been omitted and some are new. I hope you enjoy reading this :)
As always, sadly, I own nothing. These characters belong either to history or James Cameron.
WHAT IF?
As Sixth Officer Moody held up a glass of potent, and therefore very expensive, champagne, he announced with a wide smile, "Here's to Titanic!"
Around him, his fellow colleagues raised their glasses and chorused those same three words. Being the first night of Titanic's maiden voyage to New York, the men were determined to party hard and pay for it later. All seven of them had gathered in the Mess Hall, where one of the tables was laden with bottles of champagne, two of which were already sitting empty. The officers didn't believe in measurements, and simply poured as much as they wanted.
As Captain Smith wandered into the hall to check up on the men, Chief Officer Henry Wilde asked Moody, "Excellent champagne James! Where'd you get it?"
"Mr Hockley," Moody replied swiftly before taking another sip from his glass. "Of course, if it belonged to Caledon Hockley, then it must be excellent champagne!"
"Don't drink too much, mind."
A few of the officers laughed at Smith's warning. Perhaps a few of them were a little tipsy, but not one of them cared. It was their night to enjoy, and not even Smith could take it away from them. Besides, what's the worst that could happen?
Fourth Officer Joseph Boxhall fell out of his chair, to cheers from Third Officer Herbert Pitman. It seemed as though Boxhall had crossed the blurry lines of tipsy into the land of drunk. The same could be said for Wilde, who was practically wetting himself at the sight before him. But then again all the officers laughed - apart from Fifth Officer Harold Lowe. The Welshman seemed to be sporting a grim look on his face.
"Lighten up Harry!" Ha ha ha!" Moody laughed, tears of laughter forming at his shining brown eyes. He quickly downed the rest of his champagne and refilled the glass.
"Sorry Jimmy," Lowe said quietly, taking a huge gulp from his glass.
Pitman bounded over and slapped his back rather harshly, "Snap out of it and get happy with us!"
"Drunken pigs," Smith muttered as he walked out of the hall. He sadly realised that he would be in for a long night at the bridge, unless at least one of the officers sobered up pretty quickly. However, at the rate the champagne was disappearing at, it seemed increasingly unlikely.
Pitman grabbed the hands of Second Officer Charles Lightoller and spun him around the hall, much to Lightoller's amusement. However, he was sent tumbling into a side table laden with a couple of sandwich platters as Pitman loosened his grip and let go.
"Damn," Lightoller groaned, peeling a slce of cucumber off his cheek before shrugging and slipping it down the back of Moody's collar.
Moody let out a shriek as he shoved his hand down the back of his neck, successfully pulling out the cucumber slice. He turned to Lightoller, who had since resumed spinning around with Pitman, and now Wilde, who was singing happily at the top of his lungs.
Meanwhile, Murdoch, Boxhall and Lowe grew competitive over one of the full champagne bottles, with each of them snatching it from each other's grasp.
Sounding like a drunken Scottish teenager, Murdoch demanded, "Geez ma champagne back!"
"It's my champagne, you dogs!" Boxhall slurred as he grabbed it from Murdoch's clutches before it was almost immediately taken from him by Lowe.
"It's my champagne so fuck off!"
Just then, Lightoller ran out of the room, for no apparent reason. His sudden disappearance didn't seem to bother Pitman and Wilde, who were both chanting rhythmically. Randomly, all their words began with the letter 'C'.
"Champagne! Cake! Christmas! Charles! Conundrum! Crocodile!"
Ignoring their chants, Murdoch found a discarded stick from the side of the hall from an earlier stick fight between Boxhall and Quartermaster Robert Hichens. Carrying a full bottle of champagne in one hand, with the stick in the other, he followed Lightoller out of the room. No guesses as to where that stick was headed.
"Ow!" Screamed Murdoch, staggering back with the stick rather painfully rammed up his backside. Looks like Lightoller was too quick for him this time. Murdoch jumped around screaming, "Get it out ye bastards!", while the other officers had the rather difficult and unpleasant task of removing the stick.
"Son of a bitch!" Murdoch exclaimed as Boxhall held the stick out at arm's length and tossed it to the side.
Lightoller returned to the room with an empty champagne bottle in his hand. His laughter was rather hysterical,almost like a crazed scientist who had received a tremendous buzz. There was a menacing gleam in his blue eyes as he approached Murdoch.
"My arse hurts, you idiot!" Murdoch bellowed at Lightoller, which resulted in fits of laughter.
Lightoller rolled his eyes as he fetched one of the remaining bottles of champagne, "I had your mother in the back of my car!"
It was an obvious drunken lie, designed to get a rise out of Murdoch - which it most certainly did. He pushed Wilde out of the way as he rounded on Lightoller, who was drinking his champagne at incredible speed. He glared at the man, who simply smashed his now empty bottle over his head, rendering him unconscious.
"Brilliant!" Pitman cackled, helping himself to a bottle, leaving only one left, which everyone else eyed up greedily. "Uh oh ..."
Murdoch was easily forgotten about as Lightoller, Boxhall, Lowe and Moody stealthily approached the bottle, with Lowe tripping up over his own feet a couple of times. Pitman backed away, falling backwards onto the unconscious Murdoch, who didn't stir. With a slight chuckle, Pitman sat on his front row seat - in other words, Murdoch's stomach - as the men began to fight over the last bottle.
"I'm Chief Officer so it's mine!" Wilde insisted, reaching for the bottle.
Slapping Wilde's hand away, Boxhall slurred, "Shurrup! Mine!"
Lightoller lunged for the bottle, triumphantly holding it aloft. What he didn't reckon was Lowe grabbing one of the empty bottles and hitting Lightoller really hard in the crotch.
"Argh!" Lightoller screeched, dropping the bottle to the floor where it rolled over to Pitman, who scooped it up and drank it down in one go.
"Yummy!" Pitman declared, licking his lips and slowly getting to his feet. He shuffled over to Lightoller, who was still wincing in pain. With an evil chuckle, he swung his latest empty bottle where it connected with Lightoller's crotch.
Boxhall, Wilde and Moody followed suit, before Lightoller tried his best to run away, despite his limp. Poor Lightoller collapsed to the floor and crawled away on all fours, looking around every so often to see that the men were still drunkenly staggering behind him.
"Catch him!" Moody ordered, taking off his hat and tossing it at Lightoller where it skimmed past his ear.
Lightoller scrambled to his feet, desperate to get away from them. However, he didn't count on his knees buckling before he collapsed into the wall and crumpled to the ground. "Owww ..."
Pitman ran to Lightoller and poured a jug of ice cold water over his face to no reaction. Kicking Lightoller in the back several times, he announced, "He's passed out!"
"Oi! Herb ..." Boxhall began, dancing and twirling his way over to Pitman, who was still looking at Lightoller with amusement. "Howsabout we gets some lady-like clothes?"
Pitman jumped up and hugged Boxhall in an overly enthusiastic manner, "We need to get boobies too! Because ladies have boobies!"
The two of them pranced out of the hall, leaving Lowe, Moody and Wilde with the unconscious Murdoch and Lightoller. Wilde has whispering gibberish to Lowe, whereas Moody was attempting to build a fort with the tables and chairs. Moody didn't seem to notice as Lowe reached for his hat, before he walked away unsteadily and threw it into one of the toilets.
Moody slapped a hand to his head as he felt a slight chill through his hair, "My hat!"
"It's in the toilet!" Lowe informed him as he swaggered into the hall. "Go fetch doggie!"
Moody did so, which Lowe found hysterical. The two of them then proceeded to continue building the fort, whereas Wilde had passed out on one of the side tables, snoring loudly.
Meanwhile, after successfully creeping past Smith at the bridge, Boxhall and Pitman were dancing their way through the first class corridors in search of clothes. The passengers were looking at them strangely as they cut funny looking shapes through the corridor. They kept their distance, aside from Molly Brown, who approached them with slight caution.
"Excuse me Mish," Boxhall slurred, as he danced around like an extremely poor ballet dancer. "Can I get some dreshes? Or corshets?"
"What d'ya want a dress or corset for Officer?" Molly asked incredulously, watching the two of them in amusement.
"We're going to dress up Willie and Lights like girlies!" Pitman replied, bouncing over to Molly. "And we need boobies too!"
"Boobies?!" Molly gasped, as Pitman fell to the floor in a delirious fit of laughter, slamming his hand repeatedly on the corridor floor.
Molly watched Pitman doubled up on the floor as Boxhall danced around him. Deciding it would be hilarious, she agreed and said to them, "Wait a minute, I'll see if I can gather some clothes."
Molly walked away to Ruth DeWitt-Bukater's room as Pitman got to his feet, joining in with Boxhall's poor ballet dancing. They probably could have timed it better as Mr Andrews strode into the corridor, almost dropping his little black notebook in surprise. He was shocked that two officers were dancing around the first class corridor like a crap ballet act. In fact, when Molly reappeared carrying a bundle of gowns and corsets, the situation appeared to worsen.
At least the two of them weren't attacking each other, unlike Lowe and Moody who were running riot in the Mess Hall. Moody was aggressively attacking Lowe with an empty champagne bottle in retaliation to Lowe wrecking his fort. Lowe used an empty bottle to defend himself as they scuffled around the room, jumping over Murdoch and Lightoller, who were both still passed out. Only now Lowe had the humourous idea to lay Lightoller on top of Murdoch, which didn't look too good at all.
"Fuck you! Fuck you!" Lowe shouted every time his bottle connected with Moody's body.
Moody would reply with, "I'll stick this bottle right up your arse Harry!"
"Oooh I'm so scared Jimmy!" Lowe rolled his eyes and aimed the bottle for Moody's backside.
Seeing this, Moody tried to carry out his threat, but failed. Instead he stumbled onto the pile that was Murdoch and Lightoller, sprawled across the two of them. And while this was going on, Wilde was still snoring loudly on the side table, his right hand clutching a teapot.
"Wait 'til you see what we got!" Pitman sang as he skipped into the Hall, brandishing the dresses and corsets, but sadly for him, no boobies. He looked at the pile-up that was Moody, Lightoller and Murdoch and yelled, "Dog pile!"
"I fell on them!" Moody insisted, falling backwards onto his backside as he failed to get to his feet. "Aw, shit ..."
Pitman's eyes travelled from Moody, to Wilde on the table, to Lowe attempting to juggle champagne bottles, and finally to Lightoller, who was slowly rousing and groaning as he still lay on top of Murdoch. Taking a deep breath, Pitman declared at the top of his lungs, "HEY! LIGHTS IS TRYING TO SHAG WILLIE!"
Boxhall came running it at full speed, after having to lie to Smith about their reappearance with dresses. However, he tripped over Pitman's foot and crashed on top of Lightoller, who let out a loud squeak as he was pressed between two men. Getting up, Boxhall laughed uncontrollably with a sinister undertone.
Apparently, once Mr Andrews and Molly heard the whole, drunken rambling of Boxhall and Pitman, they agreed to let the men take the clothes. Mr Andrews was hoping that the men would learn a valuable lesson, whereas Molly just wanted a laugh. Poor Ruth had no idea what was going to happen to her clothes.
Lightoller got to his feet rather shakily, looking at the pile of clothes Pitman was holding. He pulled out a black and olive evening gown and held it up, slurring, "The fuck is this?!"
"Clothes!" Pitman replied simply before adding, "I wanted to find boobies as well, but none of the women would give me them!"
"Are we wearing dresses now?" Moody asked curiously, taking a corset and pulling it up over his uniform. "Oh someone needs to tie it up."
"I'll do it!" Boxhall announced as he rather sluggishly tied up the back of the corset, tightening it so that Moody could barely move.
Lightoller shrugged and pulled off his uniform, down to his underwear. He stepped into the dress and failed to zip it up, leaving the back hanging open. He looked to Wilde and Murdoch and asked, "What about them?"
"Strip them!" Pitman sang, tossing a corset at Wilde, and an aubergine gown at Murdoch. "Then we'll dress them up like laaaadies!"
Lowe grabbed Lightoller's uniform and stuffed it down the same toilet he threw Moody's hat into earlier. By the time he arrived, both Murdoch and Wilde were completely naked. Yelling, "I'm takin' their clothes!", Lowe ran out with their uniforms and dumped them into the same toilet. Lowe is a creature of habit, so God only knows what else will be thrown into that toilet, as long as he doesn't attempt to flush it.
Boxhall and Pitman struggled with lacing up Wilde's corset as Lightoller and Lowe stuffed Murdoch into the evening gown. It was a difficult task, what with them being really drunk. Moody was unable to help, instead teetering on his feet before toppling over on his side. After about an hour or so, Moody was sleeping peacefully in the corset, and the other officers were beginning to grow tired. Just one last prank before they go to bed to sleep off the champagne.
Between Lowe, Lightoller, Boxhall and Pitman, they dragged the unconscious bodies of Wilde, Murdoch and Moody through the crew passage, as far away from the bridge as possible. They reached the top of the grand staircase which was deserted at this time.
"How do we get them down?" Lowe wondered, gently kicking Moody towards the staircase.
Pitman shrugged as he pushed Wilde to the edge, as Boxhall dragged Murdoch over to them. Lightoller on the other hand, had passed out once more, face down beneath the clock, the back of his gown gaping open.
"Ride them!" Boxhall suddenly exclaimed, sitting on top of Murdoch and riding him down the stairs like a sled. He let out a "Yee haa!" as he slid down the staircase on the passed out first officer.
"That looks like fun!" Pitman declared, pushing Wilde down a step so he could hop on. Unfortunately, he pushed too far and sent Wilde crashing down the stairs. He sighed as he watched Wilde slump on the floor next to Murdoch.
Lowe chuckled as Boxhall crawled up the stairs, throwing biscuits at him that he had stuffed into his jacket pocket.
"Missed again!" Boxhall declared as he pulled Moody's hand and dragged him downstairs. After leaving Moody down there with Wilde and Murdoch, Boxhall clambered back up the stairs and the three of them hurriedly left, sniggering and laughing as they nearly fell over each other trying to get away.
Wilde woke up first the next day, to a crowd of first class passengers watching him, including Mr Andrews and Mr Ismay. He looked around in confusion, with a splitting sore head and a sore back. He could feel a tightness around his chest and stomach, which was growing increasingly uncomfortable. Looking down, he let out a scream as he realised that he was wearing nothing but a corset. He opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off by a horrified screech coming from above.
"He's wearing my good evening gown!" Ruth screeched in horror, pointing at Lightoller, who was still face down on the landing.
Cal Hockley bent down and prodded Lightoller's bare back in an attempt to wake him up. "Disgraceful!"
"Mother," Rose DeWitt Bukater began quietly, doing her best to stifle a giggle. "Those men down there are wearing your clothes too."
"What?!" Ruth shrieked as she stormed downstairs to be faced with Wilde in her best corset which was steadily tearing at the seams. "Oh my Lord!"
The silence was filled by a loud cackle as Molly Brown emerged, laughing hysterically at the sight before her. She walked down to the landing, looking at Lightoller before peering downstairs at Murdoch and Wilde.
Wilde looked around like a rabbit caught in headlights, as he looked around at the passengers. Trying to make sense of the situation, he asked, "What happened?"
"We were hoping you would be able to tell us Mr Wilde," Ismay stated rather indignantly, folding his arms crossly. "Mr Murdoch is on the floor next to you in a gown, and so is Mr Lightoller, who is sleeping below the clock! And for some reason, Mr Moody is wearing a corset over his uniform!"
"Oh lighten up Bruce!" Molly laughed as she ambled down the stairs, much to the dismay of Ruth, who was desperate for this embarrassing moment to end and be forgotten about. "Sure the officers were drinkin' last night! We met two of 'em last night dancing in the corridor wanting dresses and corsets to dress up in!"
"Drunken sailors are wearing my gowns?!" Ruth cried as Cal poked and prodded Lightoller until he slowly roused.
Cal hauled him to his feet as he gradually opened his eyes and took in his surroundings. Trying to look him in the eye, Cal hissed, "What on earth possessed you to wear my mother-in-law's good evening gown?"
Confused, Lightoller looked down and let out a yelp, before scrambling from Cal's clutches and fleeing back to the Officers Quarters amid some laughter. Before he left, he barked, "Don't laugh at me!"
"What happened ...?" Moody asked as he clutched his head, before clutching his sides in pain. "Oh my God! Why am I in a corset?! Get it off!"
Molly went to help him, holding back a laughing fit as she untied him and remarked, "Sonny who tied that for ya? Clearly don't know their way with a corset!"
Moody gasped for air as he climbed out of the corset and looked around before throwing up just inches away from Andrews and Ismay, who scowled at him. Looking pale and sweaty, Moody tried to look professional as he made his way up the stairs, intent of going back without further embarrassment. Sadly, it was not to be as he threw up again, much to the sheer disgust of the passengers. Wilde chose that same moment to slip away quietly, leaving Murdoch still passed out at the centre of the crowd. He breathed a sigh of relief as he escaped unnoticed, feeling slightly sorry for poor Murdoch who would no doubt wake up soon.
In fact, it was another half hour before Murdoch woke up from his alcohol-induced coma. He slowly sat up, wondering why people were looking at him. He took one look down at the gown before getting to his feet and running through the first class roaring like a savage as he aimed for the Officers Quarters. Clearly, neither he, Wilde, Lightoller or Moody were going to let the other officers get away with it. It was only a matter of time.