Disclaimer: None of this is mine.
Timeline: Set not long after TPM... maybe a few weeks.
Obi-Wan tried carefully to steady his breaths. Perhaps if he could calm his breathing, his heart would follow suit. Control. He had to regain control of himself. This was something he had not had to do since his early padawan days. However, he found it an all too common experience since his knighting.
'And what a fine knight you make, Kenobi,' he thought bitterly. 'How can you lecture your padawan about controlling his emotions when you can't get a handle on your own?'
He flinched at the thought. Padawan was something he had yet to call Anakin. Saying it made it all too real. It was hard enough every time Anakin called him Master. It wasn't that he didn't want to be Anakin's master, as difficult as it might be. When he'd promised Qui-Gon to train the boy, he'd put everything he had into fulfilling that promise. He would make sure that Anakin became a Jedi. He would. Unfortunately caring for Anakin had left no time to care for himself.
When Anakin reached the door to his shared quarters, he breathed a sigh of relief. He was out of his classes early because his saber practice class had been canceled. It was his favorite class and might have bothered him, but right now he didn't feel up to any of his classes. He was in classes with children much younger than him so that he could catch up on everything he'd missed in coming to the Temple so late. While acknowledging that he was behind, his teachers seemed to simultaneously expect more of him. He was the "Chosen One"- whatever that meant.
The young boy sighed and shuffled inside. He was about to announce his return when he noticed the state of their shared apartment. Their usually tidy living space looked like a tornado had ripped through. Meditation mats had been thrown haphazardly aside, furniture was shoved out of place, and even the kitchen cabinets looked like they'd been ransacked.
Anakin padded into the apartment silently. His nerves were all on edge. He suddenly wished he'd caught up with his agemates at the Temple so that he could sense what the problem was. There was something clearly wrong in the Force; it made his skin feel all tingly. The first thought that came to him was slave raiders. He quickly shook the thought out of his mind. This was the Jedi Temple, not Tatooine. Slave raiders would be insane to even put a foot on the front steps. Still, it wasn't a comforting thought because he had no other idea what could have happened here.
His master, in his opinion, was obsessively tidy. So if things had gotten to this state, Anakin was sure his master must have been killed. And if someone could kill his master, who had defeated even the Sith, Anakin knew he was no better than dead Bantha meat.
Anakin swallowed a lump in his throat and continued his anxious investigation. The door to his own room was still closed, but his master's door was open. So he had been killed. Anakin was going to look in the room and see a pack of gundarks feasting on his master. Or something worse. Although, what could be worse, he wasn't sure. He didn't think he wanted to know. With his overactive imagination on overdrive, Anakin flattened himself against the wall and peered slowly around the corner.
It was worse. Much worse. His master- his invincible, first Sith killer in a thousand years master- was crying.
Or , at least, that's what it looked like. Anakin couldn't see the man's face, but Obi-Wan's shoulders were shuddering terribly. Obi-Wan was slumped on the floor near his bed. One hand had a white knuckled grip on the bed and the other hand kept fidgeting compulsively with the hem of his robe.
Anakin swallowed another lump. What should he do? Should he do anything? Was it his place as a padawan? But he knew his master must have been injured terribly. It was the only explanation. Anakin hadn't once seen the man cry. Not even at Qui-Gon's funeral. He had to do something. He had to help his master, even if he was terrified about letting Obi-Wan know he'd seen him cry. Anakin would never forget his mother's lesson about helping others.
"Master?"
His voice was weak, barely audible, but it had an immediate effect. Obi-Wan froze completely.
"Anakin? I didn't hear you come home," Obi-Wan said. He still hadn't moved. His voice was calm and reserved as usual, but there was a hoarseness to it that gave him away. Anakin scurried out of the door frame.
"I just came back, Master," Anakin answered.
A moment later, Obi-Wan walked out of his room. If Anakin hadn't just seen him crying, he probably wouldn't have noticed the telltale signs now. Obi-Wan's face was impassive as usual, but there was a slight puffiness under his eyes. His eyes also seemed to glisten slightly and they were a stormy grey.
"So how did your classes go today?" Obi-Wan asked.
"Um, they were fine, Master," Anakin said. Should he ask Obi-Wan what was bothering him? Could he ask?
"Are you sure," Obi-Wan said, arching an eyebrow. "Something seems to be bothering you."
"Yes. Yeah. I'm fine. How- how about you master?"
"I- yes, I'm fine." Obi-Wan seemed to finally realize the state the apartment was in. A slight redness tinged his cheeks. "I had better finish cleaning up here."
Anakin nodded. "I'll help," he said hesitantly.
"Thank you," Obi-Wan replied. He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.
Master and padawan silently set to putting the apartment back in order. As he was gathering a strewn pile of datapads, Obi-Wan glanced sidelong at his apprentice.
"Anakin, have you seen my lightsaber?"
The question was asked casually but it was enough to set Anakin's heart racing. Suddenly, he didn't think he could meet those stormy eyes again.
"No," he said, gathering up some tea packets and returning them to their proper cabinets. "If you don't need any more help here, Master, I'd better practice some meditation for class."
Obi-Wan nodded and Anakin walked a little too fast back to his room. Had Obi-Wan known he was lying? As a slave he'd gotten quite good at lying. It wasn't something he was necessarily proud of, but it had been a fact of life- of survival- for so long, it had become second nature in some ways. It wasn't very Jedi of him, but it was preferable to Obi-Wan knowing the truth. At the very least, he would try to meditate. That way he wouldn't be lying completely. He did need to meditate. It was one of the things he was worst at.
However, as always, peace of mind was illusive for the young boy. Whenever he tried to clear his mind of thoughts, his traitorous brain kept going back to the image of his Master crying. The more he thought about that, the worse he felt. And the worse he felt, the more anger started to creep in.
So what if he knew where the lightsaber was? Anakin had taken it the night before when Obi-Wan was in the 'fresher. He wasn't entirely sure why he had done it. Part of him wanted to know how the weapon worked. He'd seen diagrams in his classes, of course, but nothing was better than actually putting something together to get a feel for how it worked. Another part of him and, if he'd admit to himself, the main reason he'd taken the weapon, was because he wanted a reminder of Qui-Gon.
Though he didn't have his own lightsaber yet, Obi-Wan had already told him how absolutely important a lightsaber was to a Jedi. It was the first thing he'd asked his new master about. Obi-Wan had told him that a lightsaber was a Jedi's life and that it wasn't merely a weapon, but as much a part of a Jedi as an arm or a leg.
So, when Anakin had seen his master's lightsaber just lying there, he just couldn't help himself. It was a part of Qui-Gon. It might be Obi-Wan's lightsaber now, but it was Qui-Gon's originally. Anakin remembered the first time he'd seen it on Tatooine. He had desperately wanted to take it apart even then. Now the desire was greater. If he took it apart, if he held the crystal inside, maybe he'd get to know Qui-Gon better. Maybe he'd feel more like a Jedi, more at home, and more wanted.
Obi-Wan would never understand any of those things. The fact that Anakin had been able to take the lightsaber at all just proved how little his master cared. He didn't care about Qui-Gon or Anakin. He didn't want to know what Anakin was doing, unless it was something he could scold him for.
The more Anakin thought about it, the angrier he got. It was easier to feel mad than to feel guilty. He was able to forget any evidence that Obi-Wan cared. Obi-Wan probably had just torn the apartment up so that Anakin wouldn't see how easily he'd lost the lightsaber. Instead of seeing how hurt Obi-Wan had been, Anakin thought about how Obi-Wan was going to punish him when he found out. He thought about how unfair it all was. His master was just like everyone else. Obi-Wan didn't see Anakin. He saw a child he'd been burdened with, a child of prophecy.
Outside of the room, Obi-Wan could feel Anakin slowly work himself into a fury. He wasn't very closely bonded with Anakin yet, but any Force sensitive would have easily picked up the turmoil swirling in that room now. When Anakin got himself worked up, his emotions swirled like a deadly storm in the Force.
What was Anakin even mad about, though? Obi-Wan was sure it was beyond him. He knew the boy had lied to him. That much had been obvious when Anakin had said he was going to meditate. Still, Obi-Wan couldn't fathom why his apprentice would lie. He himself had never lied to Qui-Gon. It was unthinkable. Yet, what was unthinkable to Obi-Wan, seemed second nature to Anakin.
When Obi-Wan had first realized that his lightsaber was missing, he'd been frantic. It was a sign of how far he'd let himself go, he knew. The day he'd returned to the Temple, he'd cleared out his master's old things, and shoved them to the back of a closet. Everything was hidden away except Qui-Gon's lightsaber. That had barely ever left Obi-Wan's side since he'd taken it up to slay the Sith. In using it, he felt connected to his former master. Qui-Gon's Force signature rang true inside the weapon. It was part of what had allowed Obi-Wan to overcome the tattooed Zabrak in the first place; he'd fought with his master at his side.
The realization that even that was now gone had been too much for Obi-Wan to handle. He hadn't really even been aware of tearing the apartment apart to look for it until Anakin had shown up. Cleaning up had allowed his feelings to settle more, but he still felt like a wreck. Obi-Wan had no real idea what to do now. At the very least, he needed to center himself. He couldn't possibly do anything about Anakin's raging emotions if he was little better himself. Maybe after a bit of meditation, he could sort things out with the boy.
In his room, Anakin paused in his fuming and started wondering what his master was doing. Was Obi-Wan plotting some sort of horrible punishment for him? Or was he crying again? Anakin's heart constricted slightly at the thought. He shook his head. No. He was angry. He wasn't entirely sure what about anymore, but it didn't matter. Still... it couldn't hurt to take a peek.
Anakin stood from his bed and padded over to his door. He pressed his ear up against it, but he didn't hear anything. He opened the door. Obi-Wan was kneeling in front of the windows on one of the meditation pads. By his side was a cup of tea which had a thin ribbon of steam winding up from it. No shuddering breaths or tensed shoulders. It was Obi-Wan as Anakin had come to think of him- the model Jedi.
Anakin hadn't really wanted to see that his master was crying again. Or did he? Whatever he'd wanted, he found it was not this. He let out the breath he'd been holding in an angry huff.
"Anakin?" Obi-Wan remained kneeling, but turned his head to face the child.
"Are you... are you a droid or something? What's wrong with you?" Anakin shouted.
"What? Anakin, I don't-"
"You don't care about anything!"
Obi-Wan sighed. He hadn't gotten very far in his meditation and he certainly wasn't ready for a raging nine-year-old right now. If the boy was this bad now, how would things be once hormones hit?
"Say something!" Anakin fumed.
Obi-Wan got to his feet and stood before his apprentice.
"What do you want me to say, Anakin?" he asked, pinching the bridge of his nose slightly.
Deep in his heart, Anakin knew immediately what he wanted Obi-Wan to say. He wanted his master to say he cared for him, that he would always be there for him, that he loved him. He was so lost. He wanted his mother. He wanted Qui-Gon. But all he had was Obi-Wan. That made him want to cry. Instead, he yelled.
"Why did you take me as your apprentice after Qui-Gon died? You didn't want me before. You said I was dangerous and that I shouldn't be trained. The Council said it and you said it too, even though I was right there. So why am I here now? No one wants me here. You still don't want me!"
Anakin paused in his tirade to gulp a few angry breaths. His tiny hands were balled into fists at his side. Still Obi-Wan just stared at him with that infuriatingly blank mask of a face.
"Anakin, do you not want to be here? Are you unhappy here?" Obi-Wan asked quietly.
"Yes. No... I mean- I dunno! You're changing the subject. You didn't answer my question. All I ever get here when I ask questions are more questions," Anakin fumed.
Obi-Wan knelt down so he was on a closer level to Anakin. He placed a hand on his apprentice's shoulder. "Why do you think I don't want you?"
Anakin quickly shrugged the hand off. "Ugh, more questions," he groaned.
"I'm sorry Anakin, I just don't know if I can answer your question if I don't know why you feel the way you do."
"You'll never know why I feel like this. You don't know what it's like." Anakin's eyes flashed and then dropped to the floor. "You never even call me your padawan."
Something dropped in the pit of Obi-Wan's stomach. He might not understand a lot of the things Anakin had gone through, but this was something he knew all too well. He knew what it felt like to feel rejected by the one man you wanted most to accept you. How could he have denied Anakin so long? He would always remember the first time Qui-Gon had called him Padawan. It had meant everything to him. Why couldn't he give Anakin the same thing?
Obi-Wan put his hands back on Anakin's shoulders, and this time they stayed there, though Anakin was still clearly simmering.
"I'm sorry Anakin. I truly am. I wasn't ready for any of this and I haven't been handling it very well. When I promised Qui-Gon that I would train you-"
"I knew it," Anakin cried, cutting Obi-Wan off. He tried to swat away Obi-Wan's hands, but the knight's grip was firm now. "No! Let go of me."
"Anakin..."
"No!" Anakin squirmed in the grip. Tears started to flow from his eyes and he quickly dashed them away. He couldn't cry right now, no matter how much he felt like it. "You really didn't want me. I'm just another stinkin' duty to you."
"No, Anakin," Obi-Wan said quietly. He didn't know what else to say. Somehow, when it came to Anakin, he never seemed to know what to do.
"I want my mom," Anakin said, finally giving in to the tears. It hurt too much to care what Obi-Wan thought about him crying. He sank down onto the ground and put his head on his knees. After a few hiccuping breaths, he said, "Jedi aren't supposed to die. I left mom cuz he was gonna train me. He wasn't s'posed to die."
Obi-Wan's grip on the boy's shoulders tightened. His voice was barely a whisper when he said, "No, he wasn't."
Anakin seemed so small then. Obi-Wan continued to hold his shoulders, steadying the child against shaking sobs. He wished there was something he could say, but he realized there probably weren't any words for this. The two people that might have been able to help were gone, and that was the real problem.
Then, as quickly as they'd come, the tears started to fade away. Anakin stilled completely. Cerulean eyes flashed up to Obi-Wan.
"Why'd you let him die! You should of done something."
What could he say to that? He'd asked himself the same thing countless times since Qui-Gon had died. How could he give an answer when he couldn't find one himself? Obi-Wan's hands tightened unconsciously around Anakin's shoulders. Anakin immediately tensed against the increased pressure.
"Lemme go," he said in a low whisper.
"Anakin..."
"Let me go!"
Anakin thrashed out and knocked Obi-Wan's hands off of his shoulders. He wanted to run out the door, so instead, he flew at his master. He punched out blindly. For the moment he was no longer a Jedi in training. He was a slave boy, lashing out against his powerlessness. He knew that he wasn't doing any real damage, that it wouldn't help anything, that he shouldn't be doing it. He didn't care.
Obi-Wan tensed, but did not fight back or try to stop the child. His expression remained impassive even when Anakin finally punched him straight in the face. A small trickle of blood crawled down from his nose. Anakin froze. He found he couldn't do anything under that gaze. Obi-Wan's eyes were a cold, unreadable grey, his face was completely blank, and then there was that trickle of blood. This was so much worse than if Obi-Wan had struck back. Anakin couldn't take his eyes off of that little line of red that was now pooling at Obi-Wan's lips.
"I have Master Qui-Gon's lightsaber," he blurted out.
Anakin panted out a few nervous breaths. He wasn't sure why he'd said that, but he was glad he did. He felt somehow... lighter. Without waiting to see what Obi-Wan's reaction might be, he ran back into his room. He threw scattered droid parts and tools out of the way, and then dove halfway under the bed. From there, he pulled out a box that contained the pieces of Qui-Gon's lightsaber. With the box firmly in hand, he went back out to the common area.
Obi-Wan was still kneeling on the floor where Anakin had left him. His expression was still the same, but the blood had been cleaned away. His eyes were closed so Anakin supposed his master was probably meditating.
Anakin could feel his heart pounding against his ribs. He bit his lower lip and stepped forward. After swallowing hard, he knelt down and placed the box in front of Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan opened his eyes and just stared. So, Anakin opened up the box and nudged it toward Obi-Wan. Without a word or any other sign of acknowledgment, Obi-Wan pulled the pieces out of the box and put them in order on the floor. When he was done, he went still again.
Anakin stared up at him for a moment. He couldn't look at his master without seeing that trickle of blood, even though it was gone now. Worse yet, he kept seeing Obi-Wan collapsed in his room, shaking with silent tears. Anakin thrust his gaze down to his hands, which were clenched tightly onto his pant legs.
"I'm sorry I took your lightsaber and that I lied about it and that I yelled and that I hit you," he mumbled and his words tumbled over each other like a spooked bantha herd.
"Padawan, would you like to help me reassemble the lightsaber?"
Anakin nearly felt like he was going to leap out of his skin when Obi-Wan finally spoke again. Then something clicked in his mind. His eyes shot up and locked with his master's. Obi-Wan's eyes were now a cool blue green that seemed to echo the gentle smile on his face.
"You called me Padawan," Anakin said in a breathless whisper.
"Yes, and I hope you'll forgive me for not doing it sooner. It's just..." Obi-Wan closed his eyes for a moment. Not for the first time, Anakin wished he could read his master's mind. When Obi-Wan opened his eyes again, he said simply, "Being a master is difficult, I suppose."
Anakin nodded. He was certain there was more to it than that but he suspected he shouldn't press his luck at the moment by asking. Instead he said, "I really am sorry, Master Obi-Wan. I just- I felt-" Anakin waved his small arms in the air, as if he could grab the right word for all the things he'd just been feeling. "And then sometimes I just get so angry and I don't know why and I don't know what to do. But then it didn't do any good and now I feel worse kinda."
Obi-Wan just nodded silently.
"When you are ready to construct your own lightsaber, you'll do things a bit differently. Construction of a lightsaber is, generally, considered a very personal and meaningful endeavor. Sometimes it takes days of careful meditation,"Obi-Wan said in what Anakin had already identified as his lecture voice.
Anakin tried to listen intently but quickly found his attention drifting. His mind raced ahead to the day he would fashion his own lightsaber. He wondered what it would look like and what color blade it would have. His excited daydream was cut short when Obi-Wan started speaking again.
"Of course, all of that hard work was already done for us in this case. So this time we'll take a slightly more... practical route. I would suppose you have probably already memorized your manual on lightsaber construction?" Obi-Wan asked with one eyebrow cocked.
"Yep," Anakin chirped brightly.
Obi-Wan gave a short laugh. "I thought as much. Well then, why don't you guide me?"
Anakin bobbed his head eagerly in agreement. Obi-Wan turned his hands palm up and levitated the lightsaber pieces into the air. Anakin blew out an impressed whistle at the sight.
"Wizard," Anakin breathed.
Obi-Wan smiled. Sometimes he forgot what it must be like for Anakin. His apprentice had not grown up surrounded by Force users. Simple things like levitation were still a marvel to the boy.
"Alright, now where should we start?" Obi-Wan asked, nudging Anakin back to reality.
Anakin snapped to attention again. His lips pursed into a frown of concentration. Fixing mechanical problems was second nature to the boy, but he'd never reconstructed a lightsaber. Compared to other mechanical devices, the lightsaber was an elegantly simple tool. Compared to building his pod or Threepio, putting one together should be a simple task. Still, Anakin wanted to make sure he didn't make a single mistake.
He made his first suggestion- attaching the primary crystal mount to the diatium power cell- and then waited with his breath held. He watched, still a little flabbergasted, as Obi-Wan moved the pieces together with the Force. Obi-Wan nodded when it was done. Anakin felt his confidence boost at his first small success. Despite everything that had happened this afternoon, Obi-Wan was giving him control. With that knowledge he was able to make each decision with confidence. As he guided the last piece into place, he noticed something else too.
The Force seemed to almost be singing. It was warm, and comforting, and it felt like-
"Qui-Gon," Anakin whispered.
He looked up at Obi-Wan and his smile faltered. The young Knight's expression was clouded. Obi-Wan levitated the lightsaber in the air for a moment longer, rotating it slightly, and then let it drop into his upturned hands. He wrapped callused fingers tightly around the hilt. He wasn't allowed to brood long, though. Anakin launched himself forward and wrapped his small arms around his master's neck. Obi-Wan immediately tensed.
"Don't worry, Master, I won't ever leave you," Anakin said.
"That's a comforting thought," Obi-Wan said, his voice a bit thick.
"You can't be too sad if you're joking."
"I'm fine. Now... get off of me."
"Nope. Cuz I'm sad. You'll just have to put up with it until I'm sure, um, I'm fine."
Obi-Wan sighed. He lifted one hand and patted Anakin's back clumsily. Anakin rolled his eyes.
"You're really bad at this, Master."
"This really isn't something Jedi do, my very young Padawan."
"Well, it's something I do, so you'll have to get used to it."
Obi-Wan pried the boy off of him. He held Anakin's arms and looked deep into his blue eyes. Anakin stood completely still under the inspection.
"You're a very odd boy, Anakin," Obi-Wan said at last.
"You're a very odd Master, so I guess we're really stuck together," Anakin replied with a wide smile.
"Yes we are," Obi-Wan said. He returned the smile with his own lopsided half smile.
"And next time I promise I'll ask before I take your lightsaber."
"Next time?"