She's gone.
Haruka is gone and I'm left here to pick up the pieces. She's been gone for three years. I still can't believe it. It feels like only yesterday we lived in a different word, a happier place. It's been the longest three years of my life and I can promise you that.
It all happened so quickly. I barely even understood what was going on. There was a fight, I remember that much. I couldn't tell you what it was about, something petty I'm sure. She stormed out and that's the last I've seen her. It escalated so quickly. We've had our squabbles a million times before but nothing had ever come close enough to seriously damage our relationship. And then in the blink of an eye she was gone.
When she walked out, it may have been the last I saw of her, but certainly not the last time I've heard from her. She still calls me, sends me letters, and she even sends me a birthday gift every year. It is as if she doesn't understand what she is doing to me, the hurt she causes when she enters my life again. She calls me every month on the last Sunday to visit, to update me on her very perfect life. Yes, perfect. I'm not even exaggerating. She's seeing someone new, another woman. I'm sure she's gorgeous, intelligent, and funny too. Not only has she moved on, she has a baby. From what I understand, she's adopted her new love's child, and they have begun a life together. Haruka stays fairly quiet on the topic of her personal life; she's yet to even confirm they're dating.
Our conversations tend to hover on her child. Haruka refers to him as Rue. I never caught his real name. Haruka told me the first time she called me but I honestly didn't really hear anything after "Hey Michi-chan! Guess what? I'm Haruka-Papa again!"
I've recovered since, for the most part. I've poured my heart and soul into my music and have become an extremely revered violist. My professional dream came true; I toured far and wide, playing my music as I had always hoped to do. I'm currently on an extended hiatus and I toured for a straight year. I was trying to distract myself from Haruka, the lost love that haunts me to this day. Month after month it just gets harder rather than easier to forget. I had never realized that life would be so hard without her. Hell, I had never even thought to think about what life would be like without her. She was always supposed to be mine.
I struggle every day. Why can't things go back to the way they once were? Is that other woman prettier than me? Is she smarter than me? What does she have that I don't? My days are laced with worry, with wicked thoughts. I am bitter and I am jealous and I do not even recognize the woman I have become.
I simply cannot keep doing this to myself. Today is the day I face my demons head on. I am going to Haruka's home and I am going to pour my heart out. I have to.
My stomach has been in knots all morning. I have double and triple checked my reflection in the mirror. I looked good. I chose a white sundress that complimented my pale skin well. My wavy aqua hair was perfectly in place, styled into submission. After one last glance I slipped on a pair of simple sandals on my way out the door.
I climbed into my shiny silver convertible and drove off. I sighed as I fell into my thoughts. The hour long drive to Haruka's flew by. The thoughts that occupy my head always make time move quickly. Before I even realized it I was parked outside her home. I sat in the driver's seat for minutes, trying to calm my heartbeat enough to allow me to move. I slowly left the vehicle and made my way up the delicate stone pathway. My head was hung down, practically in shame. I cannot believe I'm here and I cannot believe I am actually doing this.
I made the grave mistake of looking up. Her home wasn't even a house. It was a manor, a large gorgeous brick manor. Large bay windows flanked the front of the home. A large white door with intricate glass work greeted me. It looked like every dream house I had ever circled in home and garden magazines. It was picture perfect like it had fallen from a dream. I stood in front of the door, pausing before knocking. It wasn't too late to turn around. I could slip away and no one would be any the wiser. Before my head and my heart could agree on a deal I found myself knocking lightly.
I heard a strong female voice yell that the door was open. I smiled. That voice could belong only to my Haruka. I slowly opened the door. I found myself gasping yet again. The entry opened up to a large room with a grand staircase to the left. My eyes followed the rail of the stairs up and up and finally to the top of the ceiling several floors up. This was a home to die for. I was once again falling into an ugly jealous place. This is exactly what I had always pictured our dream home together to look like.
I saw a flash of blonde hair down the hallway. I followed it. The hallway was long and bright, pained a soft citrus green color. My footsteps echoed off the walls, announcing my pending arrival. I finally reached the end and came across a set of doors. I managed to force them open and was welcomed to a colossal kitchen. "I'll be back in a bit." I smiled again. Haruka's voice, it was sweeter than I remembered.
I heard rustling coming from a corner. My heartbeat rapidly increased. I had been too distracted by Haruka's voice to realize what she had said. She had left, and that left one other person to create the noise. The blood was rushing to my head and the adrenaline was killing me. I was sure the entire city could hear my heart beat pounding. It was in this moment knew I was about to meet the other woman. "Oh just one second, I'm looking for some Lucky Charms quick!" A soft, feminine voice called out. Lucky Charms, Haruka's favorite.
I heard her say again aloud, to no one in particular, "Well there's none left. I bet that's why Ruka went to the store." The woman emerged from the pantry. I couldn't believe what I saw. I honestly could not believe what I saw. She was stunning. She was tall and curvy with wavy auburn hair flowing well past her shoulders. She moved gracefully and walked like she was on air. I caught her eyes, and they were the brightest green I've ever seen. She was perfect, and I was never one who was able to compete with perfection.
"Chiru, how are you? It's been too long!"
Oh my God.
This is not happening to me. I have fallen into a twilight zone, where the impossible is possible and I am victim to circumstance.
Kino Makoto is the only person who has ever called me Chiru. This cannot be happening to me. This cannot be happening to me.
"Mako?" I heard myself whisper.
"The one and only!" She laughed and gave me one of her megawatt smiles. I was sick to my stomach. "So, how do you like our place?"
How am I supposed to speak? My stomach is in my throat. "It's amazing. I take it your restaurant is doing well?" I hear myself ask clearly, as if I'm not slowly dying in front of her.
"Business is booming, thank you for asking! Serenity is the number one restaurant to eat in all of Tokyo. Can you believe it?"
No. I couldn't believe any of it.
"Anyways, don't just stand there! Come give me a hug!" No. This cannot be happening. I will be waking up any moment from this disgusting nightmare. It took all of me to force myself to wrap my arms around her for a quick hug.
"So where's Rue?" I asked. I was desperate to distract her from asking me any questions in fear that I would spill how miserable I truly was. Plus I would have to admit I was curious to meet the kid I had heard so much about.
"Oh, he's sleeping. I have a feeling he'll be down any moment though. He's always eager to meet our guests. I wish you could have seen Motokiru when he was a baby. He was the sweetest little thing."
So his name is Motokiru. Haven't I heard that name before? Wait, wasn't that the arcade guy? No, no that was Motoki. My mind was racing too fast to form any real thoughts. "Yeah, oh well, at least I can see him now."
"Speak of the devil, look who just woke up! How was your nap little guy?" I spun around to see a miniature version of Haruka. He was a cute little boy with a soft face, blonde hair and striking blue eyes.
"Mama, where's Daddy?" Rue said in that cute young voice somewhere in between that of a baby and of a youth.
"Papa went to the store. How about you go use the bathroom before your snack, okay?
"Yes, mama. Bye lady!" Rue spoke to Makoto and then to me. I couldn't help myself from grinning. He was as adorable as Haruka had said.
"So that is the mysterious Rue! He looks so much like Haruka!" I thought aloud.
She laughed. "Now that you say it, I suppose he does. Of course that would be because Motoki and Haruka are very similar in looks though."
"So Motoki is the father?"
"Yes, he's married now."
My face dropped. A baby with a married man? This was more than I could take.
She must have noticed my shocked face because she quickly finished, "Oh no, he wasn't married then. Oh heavens no." She giggled. "We were young; we weren't ready to be married. We mutually broke up. He still plays a part in Rue's life, but when it all comes down to it, Rue likes Haruka best."
"Oh, I see, I'm glad to see things have worked out so well for you." My voiced carried off; I was finding it hard to speak.
"Oh look at my manners!" Mako exclaimed. "Would you like anything to drink? We've got some amazing white wine just in from France. I'm looking at new brands to bring into the restaurant."
"That'd be great, thank you."
"You don't need to be so damn" The sentence was interrupted by a little cough from Mako and was then quickly continued "darn formal. Break out the beer for God's sake."
"Well good afternoon to you too, Mr. Smart Ass. Maybe I like to offer some nicer beverages to our guests."
Haruka looked over at me. I held her gaze. The tension was heavy in the air. The awkwardness was finally broken when Rue entered the room. "Hi daddy, can we go ride on the big bike like yesterday when Mama was gone?" Motokiru asked innocently.
"Riding on the big bike eh? Is that so? Well daddy and I are going to have a little talk in the garage sweetheart so why don't you and Ms. Michiru play a little." Makoto said and clasped on to Haruka's ear and exited the room through a door that must have led to the garage.
I turned to face Rue. I was not emotionally stable enough to babysit. "Hello, I'm Michiru. But you can call me Michi." I smiled. He was too cute not to be kind to.
"Okay! Guess what Miss Michi!"
"What?"
"Daddy's getting in trouble! This happened two days ago when I told mama I got to go really fast in the pink car!"
"Pink Car?" I raised my eyebrow at the small child. I seriously doubted Haruka would be caught dead in a pink car.
"Yep! Pink, you know, like that." He pointed to a yellow picture frame that held a picture of Minako. He grinned from ear to ear.
"Oh yes, pink. So what happened to your daddy when he got in trouble?"
"He got a big owie on his head and his hair was all funky like this." Rue said, lifting his hair in the air, as if he had been electrocuted. I giggled, yet again. "Wanna play trucks? My room is on the 18th floor!"
"You mean the third?"
"No! That's mama and daddy's floor mine is right in front of theirs!"
"Yes of course, the 18th floor!" I said heading to the second floor. I held his hand and we skipped up. Rue was a delight, and I can see how this child could mean more to Haruka than me. It pained me to say it, but I don't blame her anymore for staying.
"Haruka Tenou! What were you thinking?! Taking him on..." Makoto was silenced by Haruka putting a finger to her mouth.
"Calm down Koto-Chan, alright? He was in no danger." Haruka said and looked into Makoto eyes.
As if Haruka's gaze was fire, Mako melted and replied, "I know Haru-Chan, I know. You're a terrific driver."
Haruka smiled warmly. "The best in Japan!"
Mako smiled. "The very best in Asia!"
"The best in the world!" Haruka challenged.
"The best in the Milky Way!" Mako said.
"The best in the universe!" Haruka smiled largely, thinking she had won their battle of the words.
"The best," Mako smiled a sexy grin, "In the entire cosmos!"
Haruka remained smiling and replied, "You won this round but I will win the next."
"In your dreams mister."
"So Motokiru, should we go get your daddy out of trouble?" I asked as I gently put down a large blue truck.
"I suppose Miss Michi, daddy might be hurt! We have to go kiss the boo-boos!" He replied.
"Yes, we better go kiss the boo-boos." I said and I started to leave the boy's very large, toy-covered bedroom.
As we got downstairs I saw Makoto and Haruka burst into the house, Haruka dripping water onto the stone floor. Makoto coughed and blinked at me and Haruka was laughing at my expression. "Fall into a pool?" I asked them.
"No, we had a harmless squirt gun fight. That's all." Haruka told me.
"Yep, I totally won too!" Makoto said happily.
"You did not! I won, and you know it!" Ruka replied.
"Whatever...why don't you get changed and then you and Michiru can take Rue to the park to meet Mina-chan and Meko." Makoto said back to Haruka.
"Sure, let's go Rue!" Haruka said as she reached for Motokiru and carried him out of the room, tickling him as she walked. They quickly disappeared down the hall and I took a seat at the center island. "Who is Meko?" I suddenly asked.
"Oh, that's Minako's daughter. It's short for Kameko. Such a beautiful name yes?" Makoto replied.
"Yes. I didn't even know she had a daughter."
"Oh yes, Mina married one of Mamoru's collage friends from America."
"Oh really? What's his name?"
"Kaomagma Kenji, he's originally from Japan. He was born in the same town as Mina actually."
"How wonderful for her, I wish I could have been at the ceremony…"
"Me too." Makoto said with a laugh. "They eloped to Hawaii."
"Well, that doesn't surprise me. Minako always liked going for the dramatics."
"Indeed!" Mako smiled. She began to make some sushi dish as we were talking.
"May I ask you a personal question?"
"Sure Michi."
"Are you and Haruka together?"
Makoto seemed taken aback. She dropped the seaweed she was holding and her face became red. Her embarrassment didn't last long as it was soon replaced by a bittersweet look.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to impose or anything." I said, hoping I hadn't too rude.
"It's okay. I...we're...no. No, we are not a couple." Makoto said hesitantly. Her voice carried a twinge of melancholy. "She does not think of me in that way. I guess you could say that I wish that she did. But she doesn't. You know I can read people very well. We are just friends, which is more than I could have ever asked for. She has raised my son so well; that means more to me than anything. Sometimes I catch myself becoming angry, thinking it's not fair you know. I mean, she's the greatest father to Rue. We could be such a happy family. But, I'm satisfied with friends. I have more than I deserve and they always say it's better to have them in your life than not at all."
'You have no idea', I thought bitterly to myself.
"Koto, where are my socks?!" Haruka yelled from the top floor.
"Under the bed!" Makoto yelled back. She looked at me with such sadness and walked toward the stairs.
I sat there, dumbfounded. A wave of realization had just crashed upon me. I just realized why Makoto was sad. Haruka didn't love her, Haruka loved me. Just the thought of knowing Haruka still loved me was all I needed to be complete. I had waited so very long for such validation. The moment was short-lived as I was then instantly filled with grief. I'm the reason Makoto was miserable. She had almost everything she had ever wanted, a beautiful son, a popular restaurant, and a stunning home. She was missing someone to share it with, someone to complete her happiness. I knew what I had to do.
I jumped up from my seat and took a pen and paper out of my purse. I scribbled out a note to Makoto. I removed the rice from the stove and left. With a heavy heart I walked out and I never looked back. I knew I loved Haruka with every fiber of my being, but Makoto and her son needed her so much more than I did. I had passed the point of bitterness, of despair. I was able to move on, there was nothing holding me back from creating a happy life for myself. I would survive without Haruka, something I had never thought possible even in my wildest nightmares.
Makoto rushed down the stairs. "I'm sorry Michi, she's so impossible sometimes!" Her voice trailed off as she realized Michiru was gone. She saw the note placed on the counter and picked it up and read it aloud.
Mako-
I just received a call that I was booked for a concert in Beijing tomorrow evening! In order to make it in time my flight leaves in an hour. So sorry to dash out, I will stop by soon to visit.
Always,
Michiru
Makoto stared down at the note. She sighed heavily; she knew it was a lie. She could always read people so well.
"We're ready to go." Haruka announced, entering the kitchen holding Motokiru's hand in her own. "Where's Michi?"
Makoto handed Haruka the note. She scanned it quickly.
"So she's gone?"
Makoto grabbed Rue's hand and walked toward the garage door. Makoto called back over her shoulder, "Yes Haruka, she's gone." The door clicked behind them as they left the room.
Haruka just stood there, letting the words sink in. She knew the truth, just as well as Makoto did. She told herself there was truth behind Michiru's note. It was so much easier to pretend there really was a concert. And it was so very easy to pretend that Michiru was going to come back like she said. Haruka let out a long, slow sigh. She would pretend. She had to pretend. The past was too far away now to do anything but.