Editor's note: Prior to my inspired lunacy, I have compulsively decided to spill out this oneshot. ) This story was inspired, of course, by the song Papercut by Linkin Park. I personally feel that the word papercut summarises all the pain that anyone can ever feel. Anyway, enough about me. Let's get on with the story.
Papercut
You know how it's like, a paper cut. You feel the searing pain right beneath your skin, yet you know not where the wound lies, because it is invisible to the naked eye. Paper cuts are nothing like deliberate slashes, because when people see wounds, they flinch in agony and can imagine the pain inflicted on you. But no, not paper cuts. Only you can feel the pain, because there is no bleeding scar for them to show concern for.
I can but stand and stare as he breezes down the hallway, his smile playing with mischief upon his lips, his eyes clouded with mystery. Perhaps that's why he's getting so much attention around him all the time. I clutch a heavy pile of books towards my chest. My flat, unflattering chest, much unlike their grotesquely protruding ones. I eye them enviously as they flutter like butterflies around him, melting at his touch, pining for his gaze.
I force the books harder against my chest, and, inhaling deeply, make my way past them. Step by agonising step. Homeroom is on the other side of the hallway. I have to get there on time.
Not long after I set an inferior foot past them, a cruel voice wafts from the crowd and into my reddened ears.
"Oh look, everybody, it's Little Miss Flatboard," the voice pierces my brain.
Dozens of jeering voices soar in for the attack, stabbing me in my ears, my mind, my heart. Little Miss Flatboard, done any washing lately? Hey, Kinomoto, how about a little boost?
I will myself to ignore them, but their incessant sneering and mockery are curdling my brain, and my mind screams at me.
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE BORN THIS WAY? WHY HAVE YOU EVEN BOTHERED LIVING? WHY WERE YOU EVEN BORN?
I toss my head desperately towards homeroom; it is still a thousand footsteps away. Is that Tomoyo beckoning to me? I run towards the safety of my class, my dishevelled hair whipping behind me, my footsteps echoing down the hall. When I turn back for a fleeting glance, he was already gone.
He is probably engulfed in the sea of gel.
"What was that about?" Tomoyo questions as I seat next to her in homeroom. Her brows are furrowed deeply and there is anger flashing in her eyes.
"No-nothing, you know, just... It's so crowded outside." I try to shun the embarrassing subject, busying myself with Maths. I twirl the pen awkwardly in my hands, feeling it play around my fingers, feeling Tomoyo's eyes drill into my soul.
"It was them, wasn't it, Sakura." I can hear it in her voice; concern, yet anger. "They should have known better and left you alone."
Sometimes I begin to wonder why Tomoyo even bothered to befriend me. She had approached me in kindergarten, and asked if she could borrow my yellow crayon. It has always been my favourite colour, and at that age everything I drew I coloured yellow: flowers, houses, ice cream; maybe that was why there was only about three centimetres of the crayon left.
Maybe it's just that incident that draws yellow lines of friendship between us. I can't fathom any other reason why such a glamorous girl like Daidouji Tomoyo would want anything to do with me. Flat, unflattering me.
The bell rings; it's time for Maths. I flash a meek smile at my best friend.
The sun is beating down on the soccer field as sensei talks about limits.
"If the limit doesn't approach the equation..."
Indistinct shouts and cheers float in from the field and through the open window. The smell of mud and grass swarms my senses.
"... Then the limit does not exist. Now, who can tell me the limit to question five?"
In the distance, I spot the bare outline of Syaoran. His class is having PE now, and obviously the captain of the soccer team would vote soccer for the day. And since the Lord has spoken, what can everybody else do but comply?
Syaoran is a great captain. And he plays well, much better than any other player in Tomoeda Middle School. I find myself doodling on my writing pad. I can still recall the way he looked when he stepped out of the showers, his shirt hung casually over his shoulder, his finely chiseled chest bare to all. I had stopped in my tracks to give him due attention he deserved, and I swear he cast me a glance. Maybe he was even going to smile my way, but I will never know, since every piece of him was soon smothered by a mass of girls.
"Kinomoto?"
I whip my head back into the lesson, and, in a desperate attempt to hide my doodles, my finger swiped across my writing pad for the answer to question five.
"The... The limit is negative one," I fluster, grabbing at an eraser, about to erase the silly pencil drawings.
Sensei looks at me for a second. "Good," he says, scribbling the rest of the working onto the board. "Very good, Kinomoto. Which reminds me, please stay back for a while after class. I have something to talk to you about."
I spot eyebrows around the room rise beyond biological reasoning, and the lesson returns.
"And...Li, how do you identify the limit of question six?"
Glancing down at the drawings on my paper, I decide not to rub them away. I take out a fresh piece of paper and start on the day's homework.
"The loser limit doesn't exist," the voice of Li Meilin slithers its way to my ears.
"No, that is wrong. The limit to question six is three. You have to pay more attention, Li, especially for limits. In this case, the limit does exist."
"Well, I don't care if it's three, or negative one, or negative three thousand. It doesn't exist,"she stabs. And stabs. And stabs, like there is no end to my misery. "Not in my eyes, anyway."
"There you are." She comes up beside me and takes her seat. "I was so worried when you didn't turn up for History!" A fry goes into her mouth, then another. "I overheard Nakashida sensei speaking to you. Something about... Doing too well in class?" Another fry disappears from the packet. "And you're really set on joining the volleyball team?"
I nod speechlessly, and take a sip of Coke.
"But why? I mean, you have to concentrate on your studies."
"That's what I told sensei, but he wouldn't have any of it." I take a bite out of my sandwich and look at Tomoyo. "He brought me to the office and suggested signing me up for the volleyball team."
"That's weird. Why would he want to deviate you from your studies?" Tomoyo fishes out her hamburger and unwraps it.
I shrug, taking another bite from my sandwich. "Hey, these salmon sandwiches are really good. I wish everyday was salmon sandwich day." The salmon slides its way down my throat. "He says it'll be a good way of channelling all my pent-up energy. Maybe build up some muscles so I won't be so skinny by sophomore year."
"That's weirder than weird!" Tomoyo exclaims, sinking her teeth into her burger. "Who doesn't want to be skinny?"
"And the best thing is, remember who's captain of the volleyball team."
"No way. You're not under her!"
"Unfortunately, yes, I am," I sigh hopelessly and finish the last of the sandwiches. "Li Meilin," I murmur her name to myself, and take another bite out of my sandwich.
The canteen plunges into silence, and all eyes dart to the cafeteria door as it swings open. We watch her every movement; her hips swaying, her legs sashaying, her mouth curled up in a frozen-in-concrete smile. It seems to her that she owns the school compound, just because she's betrothed, and only to the son of the richest tycoon around.
Bitching with her entourage, flirting with a flock of jocks who swarms around her, she parks her flattering butt onto the seat next to him. She pecks him on the cheek, and his lips curve up in a smile just like hers. A fake, unfeeling smile. The smile that many around him carry. The smile that speaks a thousand words, but feels nothing.
"Ouch!" I cry, rubbing my finger. There is a weird tingling sensation on my skin.
"What happened?"
"I don't know, I just tried to take a fry..."
"You tried to snitch one of my fries?!"
"Sorry," I look at Tomoyo apologetically. "Strange... It hurt when I touched your fry."
Tomoyo frowns. "That explains why..."
"Explains what?"
"I put extra salt on my fries today." Tomoyo reaches for my hand. "Is it a cut? 'Cos wounds hurt upon contact with salt."
"I know, but the strangest thing is there's no cut line," I mumble. "It hurts like hell, like a tingling sensation on my skin." I frown and run another finger over the invisible scar. "No... It's beneath my skin..."
Tomoyo examines my finger while she munches on her burger. "It's a papercut. It'll heal."
"Doesn't seem like it."
"Hello, ladies," a male voice plays its way into our ears, particularly into Tomoyo's. I notice her blush as Hiiragizawa Eriol settles down beside us, and rolls his eyes at the burlesque sight playing out before the whole cafeteria, like an everyday encore of a drama hit. "There he goes again. Flirting with the girls like he was spoilt for choice."
"If you didn't notice, Eriol, he is spoilt for choice." I roll my eyes and look away. The noise in the canteen has reverted to normal decibels.
"If I didn't know you better, I'd say you're jealous," teases Tomoyo. "So my theory of Hiiragizawa being gaily jealous of Li was right!"
"Me? Jealous of what? I already have..."
I kick him under the table. Hard. We wouldn't want her to know, would we. Not yet. Not now.
"OW!" Eriol hollers, clutching the nearest stress ball-like thing - Tomoyo's hand.
She glows a bright crimson.
"I'm just gonna scoot, and pretend like nothing going on here is my business." I grab my nearly empty tray and leave the table. "You lot enjoy," I tease before stranding the two red-in-the-face 'love-birds' together.
Just as I walk over to the tray bins, somebody bumps into me.
"Watch it," I growl below my voice. But it's not like her prickly sharp ears can escape detecting it.
"I beg your pardon?" she growls back, and shoves me near the tray bins. "I came here first. I'm sorry, but you seem to be lost. Tray bins are clean." She jabbed a long, pointy finger towards the rubbish bins. "Those are dirty. I think that's where you're headed?"
I hear people mumble. I cast a wistful glance toward his table, but he is engaged in some arm wrestling with another jock.
"Don't bother looking at him. You're not up to his standard." She shoves past me and dumps her tray into the bin. Milk carton and all.
"Hey, those belong there!" I frowned and jab my stubby finger in the direction of the rubbish bins. "These bins are strictly for trays only!"
"Oh, pardon me, Kinomoto! It's just that, well, there's not one sign there that says 'Rubbish goes here'. And there certainly aren't any here that say 'Trays only. No rubbish'." She grins sarcastically at me and pitches a sweet tone, "Of course, there's one big sign on the rubbish bins that says 'Filthy stuff here'! So you can scoot over there now!"
I clench my fists. That's it. I'm not filthy! Sheis!
"What is it, Kinomoto? Kitty caught your tongue?"
"No, not at all. In fact, I don't think I'm filthy. I mean, I'm still a virgin. No? You don't know what that is? Means I've never had sex. Oh, wait, sorry, you can't relate to that at all, 'cos you're one downright vile promiscuous slut!"
"Why you little bitch!" She lunges forward and pushes me onto the bin. Trays scatter all over, and some leftover milk spills onto the floor. Her hands cover my throat; she's choking me. I can scarcely breathe.
"H-h-al-pp..." I try to scream out, but obviously nobody could hear my croaking. Pink spots start to dot my eyes. No, wait. Those are yellow spots. Or green?
"Meilin, stop it!" I hear voices around me, but the lack of air clouds up my vision. There are so many voices, shrieking, yelling.
"Stop! Please, just stop it, Meilin!" I hear another plea from the crowd.
"No way," a voice threatens from directly above me. "This bitch insulted me. I'm gonna make sure I send her to her grave."
"Stop it! I SAID STOP IT, MEILIN!" I feel the weight of Li Meilin lifted slightly off me, but her hands were still pressing down on my throat. I'm feeling really giddy now. I might black out anytime soon. Oh my God, it's coming. My world is slowly fading away into a blanket of ink...
The last thing I hear is the shrill cry of a whistle, and then it's like my plug was completely pulled from the socket.
I open my eyes, and the first thing that hits me like a giant jackhammer is my throbbing head. I look around the sick bay. The walls are so white, they're blinding. I look out the window and a blast of sunlight explodes into my eyes. I shut them and turn away promptly.
As I open my eyes again, I see a figure sitting in the chair next to the bed.
"Sakura? You better?" It is Tomoyo. "Here, have a glass of water."
I seat myself up, trying not to let my aching head fall off my shoulders. Tomoyo places the glass carefully into my hands, and I smile at her.
"Thank you," I try to say, but all that comes out is a delightful croak.
"Don't talk, it'll only make it worse." I notice her eyes staring at my neck. "And don't worry. Your neck will recover in no time. Good as new."
I frown. My neck? Recover? I run my fingers around my neck, and have to cringe in pain.
"My, oh my, what long nails she has." Tomoyo rolls her eyes. "All the better to strangle, dig into, and still leave a mark or two on people's throats with."
The gashes are quite deep. Wonder what kind of trouble she got into.
"Oh, about that slut Li Meilin, she was expelled from school," she states bluntly and shrugs. "Hip-hip-hooray. Heard she was sent to a girls' home."
I catch myself grinning, despite the intolerable pain that sears across my neck.
"Sure she was," comes another voice from the entrance. I strain my neck to look up; it is Syaoran.
"Konnichiwa, Li-kun," Tomoyo greets him. She gets off her chair; I silently beg her not to leave. Tomoyo, please. Don't leave me alone with him.
"And a good day to you, Daidouji-san," Syaoran smiles.
"Oh, Tomoyo will do." She grabs her bag from another chair and prepares to leave.
"TOMOYO! DON'T LEAVE! YOU CAN SIT ON THIS CHAIR WHILE HE SITS ON THE OTHER CHAIR ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE ROOM! JUST DON'T LEAVE ME STRANDED ALONE HERE WITH HIM!"
... At least, that's what I tried to call out, but all I managed was a series of froggy tunes. Croak. Croak! Croaaaaaak!
I watch after her in utter dismal and dread as she walks out the door. I swear she turned a bit and winked at me! Oh, I am so gonna get her -
"Um, you feeling better?" He clears his throat, and manages to choke out.
Well, I can't answer, so I just nod in response. Slowly, agonisingly, I turn my head to the window and take a sudden interest in the trees outside.
"It's been some time, hasn't it."
I remain silent. Kind of seems like I'm ignoring him, but have it any way; I'm not speaking.
"My mother - and Meilin. The deadly combo."
The sun is glaring into my eyes, so I decide to turn back and face him like a... Girl.
"Speaking of which," he sighs and runs his hand through his messy chocolate hair. He's lost. "When was the last time we talked?"
A long time ago, I think bitterly to myself. So long you most probably forgot when.
"I can't remember when," he laughs, rather hollowly. "Probably too long ago for any of us to remember."
But I remember! I want to scream at him. And I will never forget!
He is gazing at me now, with those dark eyes of his, that can sometimes be so unendingly gentle and at others so hard and pitiless.
"I just want to say I'm sorry, and I've really missed you."
A lump makes itself comfy in my throat. He's just lying.
Just lying.
Lying.
A tear traces its way down the side of my face. And another.
His eyes are light with emotion now. He reaches out and pulls me in an embrace, and more tears race out of my eyes, onto his shirt, onto his skin.
"I'm really sorry I left you, I-I just... I really missed you, but Meilin... And mother... They just..." The hug gets tighter, and his breathing gets heavier.
It's gotten really warm, but in a comforting way.
"Sakura, I...
... I love you!" he exclaims, throwing his arms around my shoulders and pulling me into a teddy bear hug.
"Syao-kun!" I giggle. "Do you even know what that word means?"
"Which word, 'you'?" He pretends to think it over. "It means 'sweet cherry blossom'!"
"No, silly!" I know he's just kidding around, but I blush anyway. "Do you even know what 'love' means?"
"When you love someone, you want to spend your entire life with them. You want to marry that person, and have kids with them, and live together forever." He winks at me and takes my hand. "I learned that from Meilin. Today she told me she loves me, but she's totally kidding. I told her I love Kinomoto Sakura, and that she has no place in my life."
"That was mean, Syaoran!" I pout, even though I don't particularly like Li Meilin myself.
"But it's the truth, and the truth always hurts," Syaoran points out. "Oh look, there's Eriol and Tomoyo. Let's go say hi!"
..:x:..
The doorbell goes, and I burst out of my room.
"I GOT IT I GOT IT!" I holler as I take the stairs two by two.
"Kaijuu..." I hear Touya mutter from the kitchen.
He's just jealous it's my birthday, and that Syaoran's here to give me a surprise!
I throw the door open, but it's not Syaoran I see.
"Good afternoon, Kinomoto," she greets, in a low, dangerous voice. "You must be Sakura."
"Yes, I am..." I tilt my head to the side. "And you are?"
"You are in no position to ask questions, you inferior creature." She whips out a piece of paper and shoves it in my face. "Do you know the boy in the picture?"
I blush. "Yes, it's Syaoran..."
"And you're not talking to him anymore." Her cold, harsh voice soars into my ears and attacks my inner senses. No. It can't be.
She hands me another picture.
"See this girl? Her name is Li Meilin. They are now betrothed to each other. And you are in no position to interfere, nor to speak to any one of them. Do you understand, Kinomoto?"
"But... But Syaoran... He said that he loves..."
"That is no more. You are not to speak to him, for he is no longer of any relation to you. That is the truth, Kinomoto. And the truth always hurts."
..:x:..
It is swim week for PE, and we are all gathered in the girls' bathroom. Tomoyo, Chiharu, and I. I am afraid to take off my bathrobe, fearing that I will be the object of mockery, but Tomoyo says it's nonsense.
"You have a great body, Sakura, and we all know it. Now take off that shameless bathrobe."
I resist, but Tomoyo is stronger than me. She manages to grab my hands and swipes the bathrobe off me.
"Sakura-chan wa kawaii des!" Chiharu squeals.
Why did I have to wear my yellow swimsuit?
"Sakura there is nothing wrong with you or that swimsuit. Now let's go!" I am dragged out of the safety of the locker room and into the vast area of the indoor pool.
"Sakura-chan, there are many boys looking at you," Chiharu whispers to me.
I dare not look up at my schoolmates, hoping they will not recognise me. But no such luck.
"Well, well, well, isn't it Kinomoto Sakura."
I grimace at the sound of her voice.
"You have an average figure, it's just that, well, don't you think it's a little too... Flat?"
The girls around her laugh, and I feel like I'm being torn apart by ravenous hyenas.
We keep silent, and they strut away, laughing to themselves. For once since I stepped out the bathroom, I look up in shame, but guess what happens at that exact moment.
"Sakura, it's Li-kun," Chiharu whispers.
And so it is. He is stepping out of the boys' changing room, his masculine chest bare to all. It's like the whole arena is muffled by his magnificence. I can't help myself either, so I gaze at him. I wonder if he knows I'm here.
"He's hot," Tomoyo sighs.
I flash her a glare. "Ew, stick to Eriol, please!"
I whip my head back to the male God, and this time his eyes are on me. I am held stunned for a bit. He doesn't smile, but his eyes are caressing my body. His lips part, and I can almost hear his voice.
"Sa-"
"Syao-darling, what are you doing?" Li Meilin appears, and links her arm around his. "It's time to go for practice!"
Her cold, unfeeling eyes fall upon my hapless figure. I try to run to Tomoyo and Chiharu, but my legs refuse to move.
"Syaoran, you should keep away from filthy creatures like her. She's not in our league." She turns and glares at me. "Kinomoto, you do not touch Li Syaoran."
With that, they walk away, and melt into the crowd of preps and jocks.
It is another year of high school. I am a sophomore now, and in addition to that, a star player in the volleyball team.
"Ohayo Sakura!" A voice from somewhere in the crowd calls out to me cheerfully, and I toss my turn my head aorund and smile. I don't know who that was, so I don't know who I'm smiling to. It's been like that ever since I recovered and went back to school.
"Hello, Sakura, how was your day?" Eriol steps up beside me.
"Great, thanks! And yours?"
"I'm planning to drop this in Tomoyo's locker." He hands me a card. It has a huge heart on the front, and I can immediately tell it's hand-made.
"You should!" I beam at him. "She'll love you for it."
"Really?" He blushed. "'Cos I'm hoping for that."
"Well, good luck to you!" I wave to him and turn around the bend to my locker. I key in the combination, and the lock springs open.
The door flips out, and I find out that in the course of the day, my locker has been flooded with love letters.
"I've known you since kindergarten, Kinomoto. I really wish we can be together. Anonymous."
That has to be Akashi Kaoru. He's one of the only schoolmates in the same neighbourhood as I.
"Kinomoto, you're gorgeous. Will you be my Valentine's? Anonymous."
I wouldn't accept, even if I knew his name!
"Roses are red, violets are blue. The only occupant of my heart is you."
Right.
There are so many letters; I can't possibly read through all of them. Since... There aren't any from him. I figure I'll just bring them home and read through the pile slowly.
I recovered and returned to school a week after the ordeal. And I haven't seen him since then. I was told that he had some 'family business' to attend to, so he had to fly to Hong Kong to administer.
"He'll return," Eriol promises me. "He said so. He'll return for you."
"Roses are red, violets are blue. The only occupant of my heart is you."
This guy is psycho. He's sent more than five of these letters to my locker.
As I shake my head and return to the rest of the pile, the phone on the desk rings.
"Hello?"
"Sakura?"
"... Syaoran? Is that you?"
"No, it's Eriol."
"Eriol? What is it?"
"I... I have some bad news."
"Which is...?"
"He's not coming back, Sakura."
"... What?"
"Li Yelan sent him there not because of business. She... She knows about Meilin. So she flew Syaoran back to China so that... So that you can't contact him."
"..."
"I'm sorry, Sakura. He's not coming back."
Author's Note
Well, hope you enjoyed that. I could scarcely think of a nice ending... Hmm. Doing this oneshot reminded me of the person I was before, and it shames me to think of the person I used to be... I'm suffering from a papercut now too, although it's beneath the walls of my heart. If you get my drift. He will probably not think of me as any other type of person, just the arrogant freak that I was last time... Oops. Anyway reviews in please, so I know how I fared. I'll prolly do another oneshot soon, if I'm not so busy. Haha. Cheers. ;)