Bleach © Tite Kubo. Bleach: Cross characters and elements, including the "past life backstory" © Eugena.

A/N: Rated M for implied themes. This is a spoof of The Bachelorette, Bleach style. You have been warned.

Timeline: Occurs after the "After DiamondDust" story, sometime shortly after Momo Hinamori wakes up from her coma.

Opening Theme: Momoiro no Hana (Hinamori Character Song)

Ending Theme: Every Heart by BoA

Fifth Division in the Red

A Bleach: Cross Story

By Eugena

Rated: M

Chapter One: Present for Taicho

SOUL SOCIETY – SQUAD FIVE BARRACKS - THORNE TAICHO'S QUARTERS

Momo Hinamori, Fukutaicho of the Fifth Division looked over the numbers again. And again. Grimacing, she crumpled an edge of the paper, ready to toss the paper away.

"Taicho's going to be upset," she grumbled.

Behind her, Daichi Thorne Takeya, Third Seat of the Fifth Division, stopped shelving the books he had been archiving. He turned to her. "What's the matter, Fukutaicho?"

Hinamori stood, a defeated look on her face, "I'm such a failure."

"Oh, come on," he said, "Thorne Taicho will solve it."

"Look at it for yourself," she said.

Takeya walked over to the taicho's desk and stared at the paper. His reading skills still were not up to par.

"Of course," Hinamori said," "I don't have to tell her. Maybe we could solve this ourselves."

Takeya continued to stare at the paper. Finally, he began to understand. "We're this far in debt?"

"If only I had woken up sooner," said Hinamori. "If only I had been here when Taicho first—." She could not bring herself to say "died."

"She won't know," Takeya said, "but you should tell her."

oOo

SOUL SOCIETY – SQUAD TWELVE - RESEARCH SECTION

Rin brought Thorne Taicho a cup of tea. She took it and held it, looking suspiciously at it. She didn't trust Kurotsuchi Taicho. He'd do anything for his research.

Rin went back to fool with the controls of a modified television. "This is from one of your country's shows," he said proudly. It was not every day one could give a taicho a unique gift.

Thorne turned as she sensed Nemu Kurotsuchi's reiatsu.

Nemu smiled at her. "Please enjoy your tea, Shinnouhi, Mayuri-sama would not harm you."

Thorne could never tell Nemu to call her Taicho. Thorne's title as Shinnouhi (Imperial Princess) was much higher than her rank as a taicho. Mayuri had taught Nemu to always be formal and address others by their title and name. Since there was no other Shinnouhi, Nemu thought there was no need to address her by name. Nemu never called her Taicho except in the company of those who did not know that Thorne was the Crown Prince's betrothed.

As for Mayuri himself, Thorne did not doubt he did not harm her because of royal mandate. If he harmed her, Squad Zero would kill him. She did not doubt Crown Prince's Shiroyuki's resolve to kill anyone that harmed her. Yet, even she knew that the portal between Soul Society and the House of the King worked less these days. Until Aizen and his troops were dead, she could not depend on the Royal Family's protection.

She lifted the tea to her lips and drank, knowing that she had laid her life in Mayuri Kurotsuchi's hands.

"Is it to your liking, Shinnouhi?" Mayuri asked.

Thorne kept calm, always wishing to freak out over his appearance. "Hai. Arigato, Kurotsuchi Taicho." Sometimes, she did not need Kurotsuchi's translator to speak their language.

"It's ready, Rin announced. It's from a program ABC."

"Maybe Dancing with the Stars," Thorne thought.

She took one look at the obnoxious announcer and knew she was wrong.

"Welcome Back to Season Sixteen of the Bachelorette."

"Anything but this," she muttered under her breath.

The Bachelorette, pressed her face into one of the bachelor's, smothering him with kisses. After only a few moments, the camera cut away.

"What happened?" Rin asked.

"Ask someone when you're older," Thorne answered.

Rin turned a few dials and the picture returned, perhaps from several episodes later. The Bachelorette's face streamed with tears. She bawled loudly.

"Taicho!" Hinamori called out, rushing in. "Taicho!"

"I'm okay, Momo. It's someone on the television," Thorne assured her.

Hinamori came in and watched the rest of the scene with the others.

The Bachelorette turned square to the camera, what an actor would otherwise call an aside. Yet this was reality television, so what was she thinking?

Between disgustingly obvious fake tears, she lamented to the audience: "My one true love! Out of everyone I would pick him! And he has to go home to take care of his dying sister—aunt—someone—oh who the (bleep) cares? What about me? He has some (bleep) (bleep) priorities!"

Another camera picks up on the leaving bachelor. "It's not like I had a chance anyway. After all, she was always (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) the other men. She should take care of herself. I think you execs need to pay for an HIV test for everyone."

Rin and Hinamori looked dumbfounded at the screen. Mayuri turned the show off. He was going to say something, then Thorne interrupted: "Sensitive ears."

"Thank you, Rin," Thorne said. "This was very thoughtful of you."

"You didn't like it," he said.

"This was a bad season for it. This year's contestant was out to do anything to get an Emmy. There are better seasons." Yet, feel free to skip all of them.

Rin fell at the taicho's feet. "Forgive me, Taicho. I didn't mean to offend you."

"Nonsense," she said, helping him up. "All you need is a few more adjustments and you'll get a good one: Dancing with the Stars."

"Taicho, what kind of show was that?" Hinamori asked. "And what's the Emmy?"

"An Emmy is an award given to actors. Most television shows are fiction, with actors playing characters. That one, however, was what is called reality television. It means a person is themselves on television."

"But she was—?"

"She was over-acting. She wanted to be famous. So do most of those guys on the show. But she is the only one who is guaranteed to get paid."

"Paid?" Hinamori asked.

"Yes, the studio gives her money."

"Money," thought Hinamori, "I wonder if?"

"How does it work?" Hinamori asked.

"She goes out on dates with all the guys and each week she kicks one of them off the show. Finally, she chooses one in the end. Supposedly, they are supposed to get married."

"Married?"

"That usually doesn't happen."

oOo

Preview of the Next Chapter:

Hinamori finally gets an idea on how to raise money for the squad, but what will this mean for Thorne?

Who is a candidate to be a bachelor? Vote now.