Oh god, oh god. What did I write? This is the alternate ending to the story Silver Whispers (the happy version) For people who might have read Silver Whispers first, most of the first half of the story is the same, but I'll put a little heading to show where the story starts to change. BUT ANYWAY! On to the story:)
Enjoy.
The Silver That Whispered
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"You…you have pretty eyes."
"Thanks." Rangiku intoned boredly, trying to suppress the urge to roll her eyes, playing with her fork. She had honestly tried to get into the date but there honestly just wasn't enough chemistry. Besides what kind of a comment was that? You have pretty eyes, really now. Because she was seriously falling head over heels for this guy. Not.
The blonde sitting opposite her, shifted in his seat uncomfortably. It was hard not to, the restaurant was loud and busy but the atmosphere around the table had descended into a hot, prickly muffled silence. Rangiku knew she was being rude now, but she didn't care she just wanted the date to end but the restaurant service just wasn't happening. They were still pushing their salads around their plates for the sake of something to do. It wasn't like the food here was bad, the restaurant had actually gotten a Michelin star but Rangiku wasn't in the mood for food. She hadn't been in the mood for food lately at all actually.
"So do you-"
"Are you-"
They both started and blushed. Rangiku let out a nervous laugh, the tension in the air somewhat dissipating with their failed social pleasantries.
"You first." She smiled, for the first time noticing the hue of her partner's eyes. They were actually a shade of blue and green, reminiscent of the ocean on a good day. The candlelight made his eyes flicker a little casting little shadows to jump and play within the iris. They were gorgeous eyes, but she preferred them to be a little lighter. The exact light blue of the sky on a winter's day, with the crisp air, bright sunshine and dry lips brushing over hers…She hadn't realised how intensely she was staring into his eyes when she noticed a blush creeping up his neck over the collar of his Fred Perry shirt.
"R-Rangiku san?" He stuttered a little, swallowing hard under the intensity of her gaze.
"I'm sorry, Kira san, you just have surprisingly nice eyes." She laughed, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, an act so familiar yet so foreign when she did it herself now.
"Surprisingly nice?" Kira asked shocked, mock-offended, hand over his heart as he peered over at her through the curtain of blonde hair.
The waitress appeared with their entrees saving Rangiku from trying to think of a witty comeback. As the plates were placed in front of them, she watched the steam rise from her fresh tomato sauce. She wasn't exactly hungry, but call it reflex, her mouth instantly filled with saliva at the sight of the melting snow like shreds of parmesan, the bright richness of the tomato sauce and the aromatic basil resting greenly on top of the artfully heaped pasta on her plate. Kira himself, had ordered a green bean risotto, dotted with snow peas and powdered with what she assumed was parmesan as well.
The conversation flowed a little easily now that the main objective was to eat, but Rangiku still felt a nagging sensation pull at her stomach. She quelled the feeling and smiled hard at her date as if hoping that if she looked like she was having a good time, her mind and body would believe it too. Her stomach wasn't having it; it gave a particularly aching twist before retreating to the depths from where it came from.
Kira wasn't bad looking, she mused, forking pasta into her mouth pretending to be interested in his description of work as an assistant to company interested in selling soap products. But she couldn't exactly say she liked long hair on men. It was long enough to tie into a ponytail at the back of his neck for goodness sake. She preferred their hair to be long enough to frame their face, but no longer than their earlobes.
Rangiku didn't really know how she ended up agreeing to this date at any rate. Her friend and colleague at work, Nanao had set her up saying that she needed to stop moping, that it was bringing her down and she had just the person to lighten her spirits. Before she knew it, Nanao had pressed a piece of paper with a number, address and time on it before picking up the ringing phone, immediately absorbed with her job.
The strawberry blonde had sat back down slowly at her desk looking at the paper. Nanao wasn't the kind of woman to set up dates, neither was she particularly sensitive to interpersonal relationships involving men. Had she really been that transparent? Rangiku thought she had handled herself well, attending just enough social events to throw suspicion off her back, calling people, texting people as they contacted her when all she really wanted to do was crawl into bed and pretend the outside world didn't exist. It had taken everything to not just sit inside stuffing herself with chocolate and wine, watching Breakfast at Tiffany's on repeat as she cried mascara off.
And so she decided against better judgement, against the throbbing reminder in her head, to text the number on the piece of paper and to set up this godforsaken date.
"I had a nice time, thank you." She smiled at Kira who had dutifully decided to walk her home. The walk back from the restaurant wasn't too bad. The pleasant exchange of banter from dinner had lasted them through dessert and continued through the obligatory, playful tussle of who was to pay for dinner. Kira, paid of course, claiming it was his duty as a gentleman and she just sighed and put her red leather Coach wallet back into her purse, grudgingly.
"You don't have to be nice, Rangiku san, you looked like you'd seen a rat run over your dinner plate before our entrees came." Kira chuckled as he turned to face her.
His face betrayed no hard feelings, just a crinkle next to his eyes and a sweet smile. An unwanted lump rose to her throat and tears threatened to spill. When was the last time any man been so kind and forgiving towards her? There had only been one man in her life like that, but where he was now, she didn't know. If only she'd met Kira before, maybe they would have had something going on. Maybe she would have felt something for him. Perhaps, he could have been the one she'd have fallen in love with…
The pavement was busy with pedestrians jostling to get home, but as it was in the restaurant, the cocoon of muffled silence had followed them. She shut her eyes, when she felt him brush the hair away from her eyes. He was doing it wrong, but she pushed that thought away as soon as it came, it only made the tears sting more.
"Rangiku san, no matter how you feel, I still had a great time tonight with you. I'm honoured that a woman as beautiful and as charming as you, decided to take a humble man like myself on his offer of a date," Kira said quietly, "I'll admit, I'm a little jealous of the man who got to be with you, to have him affect you this much. But, I know that I'll never be him- I'm not meant to be him." He added at the end, a little wistfully.
"Kira san…" Rangiku uttered softly, reaching for his hand. He stopped her and smiled.
"I do hope though, after everything, that tonight you were able to take your mind off of what's been eating away at you somewhat."
"I did." She admitted, a little shamefully. "Thank you."
"It was my pleasure, remember Rangiku san, you look your best when you're smiling and I feel privileged to have seen it." With that, he leaned in and gave her a small, chaste kiss on the swell of her cheek, far away from her mouth.
"Thank you, Kira san." She called out as he turned to walk away.
"No thank you, Rangiku san- and call me Izuru." He turned and waved once before flagging down a taxi.
"Thank you... Izuru." Rangiku whispered, watching the taxi pull away and head for it's final destination.
The ache in her stomach came back with full vengeance. She knew what it was. She knew what it meant and she squeezed her eyes shut. Oh, she was painfully familiar to this gnawing feeling in her gut, having felt it for the last ten months. No matter how much time had passed, it had only felt as strong as it did on the day she came to recognise what it meant.
Turning the key in the lock, she kicked off her high heels not bothering with the lights, making a beeline for the kitchen. Standing amidst the flood of yellow light, she enjoyed the cool tendrils of air that wrapped around her face and neck, bathing her as she surveyed who she was going to take to bed tonight. Would it be Merlot or Sauvignon? She decided on Merlot, favouring a deeper flavour at an hour like this. Drinking at a time like this, Ran-chan? Tut tut. She jumped, the delicate hairs on her neck stiffening, as if someone had been standing right next to her. Judging her. That voice, it was so familiar. So, gut-wrenchingly familiar. She could recognise that silky, teasing lilt anywhere. She half fought the instinct that rose within her to take a cursory glance around her. But that was ridiculous because she was single and alone and there was absolutely no one in her apartment. But that voice. The tears that had threatened to drip from under her eyelids in front of Izuru finally flooded forth, and she sank to her knees, clutching the bottle of red in one hand while the other leaned against the wall of the kitchen counter for support. It was late at night and no one would hear the screams and sobs of agony that poured from her raw throat. Her chest heaved with the ragged breaths that her mouth inhaled, while her head filled with an iron white heat. Hot, angry tears soon melted into cries of longing and sadness as she lay on the floor, cheek against the cold linoleum.
Why did you have to go? I miss you so much… Where are you?
"You spent the night on the kitchen floor, didn't you." He asked flatly, drumming his fingertips lightly across the desk.
"I did not, and shouldn't you be working." Rangiku sniffed pointedly as her boss leaned against her cubicle.
"I should be, but I came to tell you that." He agreed smoothly, taking in his rumpled subordinate's form, the slumped shoulders and the slight bitter smell of vomit that was skillfully hidden by expensive perfume. She said nothing, choosing to remain facing towards an empty computer screen.
"Rangiku, you need to try and move on." Toshiro insisted, white spikes bristling as he turned to spin her around to face him. She stared at her lap resolutely, feeling his stare burn into the top of her head.
"I'm telling you this as your friend and not your superior." His voice dropped a little bit, "Please Rangiku, I hate seeing you like this. I've known you for almost 10 years now and I've never known you to be so...so..." Toshiro struggled to find the right words, to describe his broken friend.
She finally looked up at him, dark circles under her tired eyes.
"Do you think I haven't tried? I try everyday, but it hurts. It hurts so much."
"I know." He muttered.
"No you don't-"
"I do!" Toshiro snapped angrily, "It pains me to see you like this, Matsumoto. You are a strong woman and I know you have it in you to overcome this! I know you can do it- and I know how painful it is, but I'm here- we're all here for you, just let us in and help you!" His face flushed with his outburst of emotion and admittance, and he quickly crossed his arms to brush off the feeling.
Rangiku was quiet. When she looked up at him, a small smile graced her face but it was a little forced. She leaned forward and gave a quick hug to her boss who jumped a little at the contact and awkwardly patted her back in response.
"Thank you, Toshiro." She said, voice muffled into his chest. He smelled like fresh baked biscuits today, Hinamori was probably baking at home. She felt a twinge of sadness at the thought of Toshiro and Hinamori living together as a happy couple, while she was greeted by a cold bed and kitchen if she forgot to turn the heater on before she left for work in the morning. Maybe once upon a time, she could have woken up to another body in her bed too...
"Look, I'll take you out tonight." He muttered, pushing a hand through his white hair. "Whether I'll regret this or not, I have no idea."
"But, you don't even drink." Rangiku looked up in surprise.
"I'm sure I'll manage to find at least one non-alcoholic beverage on the menu." Toshiro said drily, pushing her arms off his middle and looking at her with a softened expression in his teal eyes.
"I suppose. But we haven't gone out for ages!" She protested.
"Look, do you want a free run of my wallet tonight or what?" He barked, temple throbbing.
"Wait, you'll pay for everything?" Rangiku raised a doubtful eyebrow.
"Only if you finish work today." Toshiro added, watching her contemplate the idea. "If you don't you'll pay for all my drinks."
"I'm not wasting my money on something cheap like orange juice!"
"Good, then you better get to work Matsumoto, or you'll be paying for 30 dollars worth of virgin Tequila Sunrises." Toshiro left the office satisfied with the grumbling and the hum of the now working computer. But once he left her peripheral vision, he let his smile drop off. His brow furrowing deeply.
Rangiku fumbled with the buttons of her top before taking it off and casting it on her bed, the shirt joining fifteen other discarded tops. Her teeth bit at her lower lip as she stood clad in only underwear, looking at the now almost empty wardrobe. She had spent all afternoon calling Toshiro and then hanging up before the call actually connected, unsure whether she could physically muster the strength to go out tonight. It was getting dark quickly and the city roused itself, bright lights dotting the city skyline, illuminating the dark sky with a cheerful hue.
She surveyed herself in the mirror. She had always been rather slender for her body size in proportion to her large chest, but as she softly stroked her stomach, she noticed how the skin there had become loose and pale. She hadn't realised how much weight she had lost since...since… Rangiku shook her head. She wouldn't, she couldn't think of him right now. It was funny, she used to stand like this, in her underwear while he would place loving hands on her waist, tracing her stomach, fingers digging into her hips as they slid to cup her ass. A pair of good, strong hands and slender, elegant fingers. She could almost feel the cold whispered trails his fingers left across her skin. He always had such cold hands, even during summer. No matter how much she pressed her mouth to them, no matter how long he kept his hands under her shirt, they always retained a sort of cool quality to them. And how those cool fingers would make her shiver, seemingly heating her up rather than cooling her down when he touched her like that.
Rangiku's eyes snapped open, without realising her own fingers had trailed up her arms and had been stroking her neck in a familiar way that left her aching for the real thing. She slowly lowered her hands to her side, defeated. She couldn't win against him, she never did.
"I miss you, Gin. Why'd you have to go?" She said aloud, letting her eyes settle on a small frame that had been placed face-down deliberately. For the first time in awhile, she lifted the photograph.
Did this mean she was moving on? The fact that she was able to confront her fears and finally admit to the fact that she had a hole that no one could replace?
"Oh, Gin." She muttered, tracing his sharp jaw that she could almost feel resting on her shoulder the way he used to do as he hugged her from behind, peering at whatever she was working at. Then maybe he would nibble affectionately at her ear and whisper to her, telling her to leave the work and come back to bed, those fingers slipping dangerously under the hem of her skirt. The feeling of his lips between the junction of her shoulder and neck, making her shiver delightfully as he nosed his way behind her ear again, fingers moving to tickle her arms gently.
Rangiku's heart twisted as she remembered the day that picture was taken. It was Christmas, they were at a party at some friend's house, maybe it was Toshiro's and Momo's Christmas party, she couldn't remember. They had always attended numerous parties together. And she had been wearing that velvet turtleneck, with the chain necklace that Gin had bought for her on their first anniversary. Gin had wrapped his arm around her waist, trapping her against him whilst simultaneously placing a sweet, cinnamon dusted biscuit in her mouth. The surprised smile was caught on camera as the picture showed a happy couple smiling at each other, totally lost in each other, in a world of private glances and knowing smiles.
The harsh sound of a bell jolted her out of her trip down memory lane. Shit, that must be Toshiro, Rangiku thought as she hastily pulled on a bathrobe, fastening it as she ran for the door.
The open door revealed a disgruntled Toshiro, dressed in a nice, white collared shirt, simple black tie and black jacket slung over one shoulder.
"I've been waiting for ten minutes in the cold, before realising you'd probably lost track of time." Toshiro groused allowing himself into the house, making for the kitchen immediately.
"Yes, of course you're welcome to the cookie jar." Rangiku called out after him sarcastically.
"Thanks." The impudent reply came back, followed by the clatter of chairs and cupboards being opened in the kitchen.
"I'm going to get dressed, I'll be back soon." Rangiku shouted as she walked back into her messy room, strewn with clothes. After standing stock still in the middle of her room, sorting through her floordrobe, she decided on wearing that black velvet turtle neck she loved so much, pairing it with dark skinny jeans. She could always count on her favourite pumps from her vast shoe collection. She saw the picture from that she had dropped on the bed in her haste to answer the door, and propped it back affectionately against her dresser, face up this time. If she was really going to torture herself with the thoughts of him tonight, she might as well go all out. Fishing around her jewelry box, she grasped the long chain of a necklace. It was worn by looping one end of the chain through a ring in the middle. After having not worn it for a long time, the chain had tangled itself into impossible proportions and so she spent the next ten minutes sitting on her bed trying to detangle her anniversary present.
Toshiro walked into her room in the midst of this, raising an eyebrow at the familiar, now upright photo that he hadn't seen for a long time. He was munching on a chocolate chip cookie, watching Rangiku struggle with the chain.
"Need any help?"
"No. But maybe you could replenish my cookie stash. Next time I'll put raisin cookies in there, and you won't be able to tell the difference."
"I don't care, I like raisin cookies." Toshiro shrugged, licking the crumbs off his fingers. Rangiku let out an exclamation as she finally untangled the last of the knots and slid the necklace over her head neatly.
"You're twenty three already, Toshiro, you don't need cookies. How do I look?" Rangiku asked as she stood up checking herself out in the mirror.
"Yeah, says the twenty five year old who still has the cookie jar." He batted back, refusing to comment on her choice of attire. She hadn't worn that necklace for months and he certainly hadn't expected to see it on her neck anytime soon.
"Yes, but I'm a girl, I'm allowed to have cookies. It's a rule. Shall we?" Rangiku motioned, as she grabbed her jacket hanging on the door. Toshiro shrugged and followed her out, casting one last glance at the picture frame depicting a happy couple.
x alternate ending x
The pub that they were heading for was a familiar hang out that they both had been going to together and separately for several years now. Toshiro often came here to relax, despite rarely if ever drinking. The owners took it in good humour and jokingly liked to serve him salty peanuts with his non-alcoholic drinks. Both Rangiku and Toshiro were considered one of the familiar faces, but she hadn't gone for awhile, she wondered if the owners remembered her. Her clouded doubt instantly vanished when a loud enthusiastic cry sounded and she was pulled into a tight embrace.
"Rangiku san! It's been too long- I was beginning to think that you were dissatisfied with our humble place and found another regular place to drink the night away! We missed you here, who else is going to have shot competitions with Stark?" A shocking head of turquoise hair pulled back, followed by a curvy body that disentangled itself from Rangiku, to glance at the strawberry blonde.
"It's been a while hasn't it, Neliel? Have you dyed your hair again?" She asked picking up a lock and examining it with great interest. The dye job was really well done, especially for such a vibrant colour.
"I have, two months ago actually. Which you would have known if you had come visited sooner." Neliel said reproachfully. "But come in, it's getting cold outside. How have you been Toshiro?"
"Fine, work's been piling up though, thanks to somebody." He looked pointedly and Rangiku who waved his comment away dismissively.
"How's Hinamori san? Still baking?" Neliel asked as she led the way into the warm interior of the pub.
"As ever, you're welcome to some fresh baked bread. We have too much and I guess, Momo's not that bad at baking." He said gruffly.
"What are you talking about, Toshiro? Momo chan is amazing at baking! Don't listen to him, Nel." Rangiku exclaimed slapping his shoulder lightly in reprimand. "Are you still with Nnoitra?" She directed this question at Neliel.
"Will this seat do? And yes unfortunately. The idiot still has an awful habit of getting into fights, I'm getting rather tired of tending to the injuries. There's only so much I can do before I'm going to actually have to send him to A and E." Neliel said but no one could miss the huge loving smile that appeared on her face at the mention of Nnoitra's name. She passed them menus and chatted about her long time on and off boyfriend Nnoitra Gilga, a terrifyingly, aggressive lanky man. Rangiku had no idea what Neliel saw in him, but she supposed Nnoitra had a soft side that he only showed to Neliel otherwise she wouldn't be this dedicated to him.
"So what will you guys be having today?" She said smiling, taking out a notepad she barely even needed, she only brought it out from habit. She already knew what they were going to order. Toshiro would order his standard virgin Tequila Sunrise and Rangiku would order a bright, Cosmopo-
"I think I'll have Ballantine's today." Rangiku said without looking up from behind the drinks menu.
Neliel masked her surprise and turned professional, writing down the order in her little notebook carefully. Toshiro on the other hand arched his eyebrows not bothering to even disguise his surprise.
"Straight or on the rocks?" She asked Rangiku, still hiding behind the menu, face unreadable.
"Rocks please, thanks Nel."
"And Tequila Sunrise for you right, Toshiro?" Nel beamed at the white haired young adult, who nodded- eyebrows still raised. He waited for Neliel to float off to prepare their drinks before rounding on Rangiku.
"Why did you order that. You never order whiskey."
"I just wanted a change." Rangiku said defensively, clutching the menu tightly.
"Bullshit, you just ordered his favourite drink. You're even taking it the way he liked it." Toshiro said accusingly.
"I've always liked whiskey and there's only two ways to drink whiskey and I like ice?" Her weak argument against his accusatory glare made her voice turn up at the end, forming her rebuttal into a question.
"There are more than two ways to drink whiskey, you know that. You're the one who drinks more than I do." Toshiro said, but dropped the topic. He brought her to try and relax but she was going against his plans and deliberately bringing him with her. He was everywhere and she couldn't let go of him. She clung to his presence like a life jacket. The worst part was that he wasn't even here, but the way he still inhibited her everyday life, dictating her next movements was painful to watch. It was like she lived and breathed him.
The table had fallen silent. Rangiku was fiddling with the ends of her hair, looking for split ends. Toshiro sighed loudly.
"...Sorry, Matsumoto. You can order whatever you like. Forget I said anything."
She had stopped playing with her but was now looking at her nails with an intense fascination. He noticed that her polish had chipped. The old Matsumoto he knew would never let her nail polish chip, she would change the colour or she would immediately fix the chip. The Matsumoto he knew had flawless nails.
"Ballantine's for you and here's your Tequila Sunrise," A cheery voice brought life back to the figures sitting stiffly at the small booth. Rangiku looked up and smiled as their drinks were placed in front of them.
"Rangiku chan, this is from Dondochakka and Pesche," Nel said as she put down routine bowl of nuts next to Toshiro. She smiled briefly and handed her a small note with little heart stickers placed all over it with a hand drawn, smiling cat on it.
"We hope you feel better." She patted Rangiku's hand, giving her one last searching look before attending to other customers.
Rangiku fingered the note, smoothing down the some of the hearts that were beginning to curl from the paper. She let a small smile play about on her lips looking at the hastily drawn gray cat. Exhaling a bit, she carefully placed the note in her wallet to look at later before turning to Toshiro.
"Cheers." And they drank.
God. Rangiku didn't even like whiskey, it was her least favourite alcohol of choice by far. The strong alcohol burned her throat, the bitter flavour filling her mouth. She swallowed twice and pursed her lips, feeling the drink warm her stomach from the inside. She didn't even like whiskey, she pretended to herself like she didn't know why she'd ordered it. Toshiro was watching her over the rim of his glass and she made a face at him, refusing to let her pride show.
Toshiro started up light conversation, safe topics like work and the upcoming events of this month.
Rangiku listened while she sipped her drink. What did he like so much about whiskey? He used to grin at her, long fingers wrapped around the wide glass as he lovingly poured another glassful from the crystal decanter. He would kiss her and she would peer into his glass, taking a small sip like she always did when he drank, as if she were a child tasting beer from a parent's bottle for the first time. And every time, the bitter liquid would hit her throat and she would swallow hard, pulling a face at him. How do you even like the taste of this? She would ask. It's a taste that only adults know about. He would reply cheekily, kissing her cheek again repelling all arguments from her end. Then maybe he would place the glass down on the nearest surface as he would kiss her scowling mouth, fingers threading through her hair as he brought her face even closer to his…
Her lips were tingling. Or it could just be the alcohol. Before she knew it, the table surface was covered in glasses, bottles of all shapes and she noticed it was already midnight. Toshiro wasn't one to drink often, if at all, but the strongest alcohol he would drink was beer and here he was sipping from the bottle of a Corona.
He was of course, hardly drunk. Contrary to popular belief, Toshiro wasn't actually a lightweight. But he drank out of choice and not necessity, he didn't feel the obligation to drink like some people did and he liked it that way.
The bottle stopped midway to his lips when he thought he saw a tear slip down Matsumoto's cheek.
"...And he used to hold my hand and tell me how much I meant to him. We used to go walk along the boardwalk and on the weekends we'd sometimes go to this small cottage in the countryside to garden and tend to the persimmon orchard…" Rangiku was sobbing now, Toshiro alarmed got to his feet and tugged the glass of alcohol from her hands.
"Matsumoto… Matsumoto." He said shaking her, forcing her to look at him. She had been talking about him for the last hour or so, delving deep into their past. Some things he knew about, some other things he wished he hadn't heard. His cheeks were still heated and his the back of his neck flushed. By this point, she'd gone past coherence and cognitive reasoning to who she was talking to.
Her blue watery eyes had a glazed look to them and Toshiro motioned for the check.
"Wait here and don't drink anything else, I'm taking you home." He left her sitting while he went off to pay the enormous bill.
Rangiku raised her head blearily as Toshiro came back and helped her to her feet, pulling out his phone at the same time, talking into the receiver rapidly.
"Hello? Momo? I have Rangiku here… yes… I'm not sure she can stand on her own. I know I made a mistake. What? No, I didn't know. I just thought that… Argh, I'm sorry! What? ...She had about eight cocktails and a few beers I think...Listen, I have a favour to ask, can you come over...What? Yes now, I'm not sure I'm entirely sure that I should leave her alone... Because it would be weird if I stayed! Alright thanks, I owe you one Momo. I'll call you when I get to the apartment. Ok… ok… Love you too."
He hung up and tightened his grip on Matsumoto's waist and concentrated on walking, thankful that the bar was within walking distance from her apartment. She just exhaled deeply, vision swimming, limbs feeling free and disconnected. She felt light and as if time was slowing down, it took her a long time to focus in on Toshiro's concerned teal eyes.
"Toshiro...Have you ever been so in love that...that you'd do anything for a person?" She asked hazily. Without waiting for his answer, she continued.
"Because I would. I'm in love. Because I'm in love." She added in a slightly louder voice. Insisting that he listen to her.
"I love him so much, I feel like he's telling me...telling me he wants to see me again. I want to see him again. I love him." She whispered, more tears trickling down her cheeks without her realising. She could hear muffled whispers and then she felt a small, soft hand take hers. The ache in her stomach made itself present again, it had been hoping for a large, cool hand instead of this small petite one, that was leading her to the bathroom.
She vaguely registered Momo's concerned eyes before looking away. Her bathroom was the same as always, counter littered with makeup, a wide mirror and sink… two toothbrushes in a cup…
A cool washcloth gently wiped off traces of sweat, makeup and tears. If she tried hard enough she could imagine the soft traces on her face as those cool fingertips she knew so well. Before she knew it, she'd fallen asleep to the methodic strokes of the gentle washcloth.
She paced around the room anxiously. Gin was never late for dinner. I love your cooking Ran chan, how can I let any meal of yours go cold even for a second? At first she was angry because he should have called if he was going to be late, but as the hours passed the anger morphed into anxiousness that ate away at her gut. As much as she could, she tried to block the ominous thoughts as they were already fraying her shot nerves greatly.
She sat back down and tapped her foot on the kitchen floor, restless. She couldn't sit and immediately jumped up. I should put the food in the oven so he can come home and eat straight away. With an objective in mind somewhat numbing her swirling, raging thoughts she started bundling food into heat proof containers, managing to calm her beating heart to an extent.
The bell sounded and she jerked up, eyes wide. Who was it? It wasn't Gin. Gin never rang the bell, he never needed to. He had a key… what… Gin, what…
"Ma'am, I'm going to need you to confirm that this-"
"No!" Her hand leapt to her mouth and she turned to retch, dinner not quite making it to her throat. It was disgusting. The blood… stained mouth… She felt the bile rise again and she clamped her lips shut.
"I'm sorry, it's not a pleasant picture I know, but it's official routine." The policeman said apologetically.
She slumped against the door frame and gave a sharp bark of laughter. This was all a joke right. Just one sick joke. She was just dreaming because only things like this happened in dreams and… she was going to wake up. She'd just cuddle into Gin's side, feeling his arm wrap around her waist comfortingly blocking out anymore bad dreams. Gin…
"It's a bit early for April Fools don't you think, officers?" She said weakly. They just looked at her with pity in their eyes.
"Here are the things that were in Mr. Ichimaru's possession at the time." A small bundle was placed into her hands.
"These too." A third officer appeared holding something green in his hands. "I think they are daffodils." He said inspecting the crushed flowers. Her favourite flowers…
She hadn't even realised she was crying, it was just wetness flowing down her cheeks. She was going into autopilot… she took the mangled mess, a sudden image of what else was probably mangled appeared vividly in her head…
The rest was a blur. Hit and run accident. The bundle contained his briefcase… just coming home from work. Car unnamed… can visit the morgue tomorrow… the funeral… she cried harder as she picked up a small package with a note attached: for Ran chan.
It was a package of dried persimmons.
Gin.
Gin…
Rangiku's eyes flew open. She sat up suddenly. The last thing she remembered was sitting at the pub with Toshiro whilst talking about really personal things involving...him… she blushed. Just how much did the alcohol loosen her tongue? She'd gotten completely drunk, but she felt strangely fine considering how much she'd drunk last night. She supposed that over the course of the day, patches of memory would reinstall themselves in her brain. She had to thank her body again, as she always did when she went on a drinking spree. She had never experienced a proper hangover, no headaches, just a dull throb of the lack of sleep.
"Good morning, Rangiku chan." Hinamori knocked twice before opening her door, bringing a tray of three coffees into her room.
"Oh Momo chan, did you end up spending the night? I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to be a burden." Rangiku said guiltily. Hinamori quickly shook her head, giving Rangiku a warm look.
"You're not a burden, and this is what friends do." She said firmly, sitting down and handing her a cup of coffee from the tray. "I made some coffee, I hope you don't mind, I didn't know how you take your coffee so I just brought up black." Momo continued apologetically.
Rangiku took the cup gratefully, peering into it's murky contents. The aroma of freshly made coffee permeated her being, waking her up and chasing away the remnants of sleep from her mind.
"Thanks." She said, taking a sip. The sharp bitterness quickly put some strength into her body. She tried not to think about how he used to make her coffee in bed… two sugars and one milk… though she swore that sometimes he would put in an extra spoonful of sugar when he thought she wasn't looking.
Hinamori cleared her throat.
"...Are you…Are you feeling better?" She asked softly, watching Rangiku intently. Rangiku was older than Momo by two years but today, she looked like she had aged ten years. Momo had been seeing Rangiku so regularly that she didn't notice the deepening lines in her face, and the way her blonde hair had lost it's lustrous shine.
Rangiku didn't look at Hinamori as she contemplated her question. Lowering the cup of coffee, she turned her head to look out of the window.
It was a bright sunny day, no clouds. Just an endless light blue… a light blue that she could have recognised anywhere. It was like he was watching over her. She gave a faint smile at the thought.
"Am I...feeling better?" She asked, more to herself than in reply to Momo's question.
"I noticed you put the picture back up." Hinamori's voice held no accusation, no subtle meaning. It was just an observation. Rangiku said nothing, but her grip tightened around the coffee cup.
"You were also wearing...the necklace last night, I coiled it and it's on your dresser…" She continued hesitantly.
Rangiku disliked the direction in which this conversation was going. The atmosphere turned heavy, both of them ignoring the biggest observation in the room yet.
"Momo, why are there three cups?" She asked tightly.
"Morning, Rangiku san." Nanao entered the room, pulling her scarf off and quickly wiping her glasses clean.
"Hi, Ise san. Sorry to call you out so early in the morning." Hinamori said slightly apologetically.
Rangiku stiffened. What was going on. Why was Nanao here? Not that she minded Nanao, she loved her like a sister but they can't just have congregated in her room just to help her get back on to her feet after a night after drinking. She could do that herself without anyone's help. This… this felt like an intervention more than anything else.
"Rangiku san," Nanao sat at the foot of her bed, looking into Rangiku's eyes concernedly. Rangiku refused to meet her eyes and chose to stare into the rapidly cooling coffee cup.
"Are you feeling alright?"
That question again. She was sick of people asking if she was okay. What did people want to hear? It's not like they could understand what she was going through. How her heart ached everyday. She used to confide in her close friends, her deepest, rawest emotions. They used to listen attentively, hanging on to her every word. But as her feelings became repetitious so did their expressions and soon no one really listened to what she had to say. So, she just started saying she was fine, watching their expressions clear as if this was the answer they were indeed hoping for, quickly pushing Rangiku from their minds. Those were just empty words, you can tell me anything. I'm here for you. Well you certainly weren't there when I needed you the most, Rangiku thought bitterly. And I'm not just talking about my friends, I'm talking to you too...Gin.
"Rangiku chan, we're worried about you," Hinamori started and Nanao nodded in agreement.
"Yeah?" Rangiku sniffed, retreating into herself, unable to face the pressure of the gazes that were trained on her every move.
"...Rangiku, last night when I undressed you… I saw… I saw some marks." Hinamori said quietly. At this, she stiffened and turned to open her mouth,
"I-"
"Rangiku san, please! You've become so thin, don't think I don't notice that you haven't been eating lunch for the last couple of months."
"That's not true...I eat… I ate… yesterday." She said weakly.
"That's because Hitsugaya san forced you to eat something, he notices it too- your lack of appetite, but he doesn't say anything." Nanao said sharply, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose.
Rangiku started to feel the makings of a painful lump in her throat, and tears pricking her eyes. This wasn't...this…
"You're all being really unfair!" She cried out at last.
They both looked at her in surprise at that.
"Rangiku san-"
"Rangiku chan-"
They both started but she cut them off immediately.
"You can't just come into my room and start on me like this- this isn't- I can't-" And to her utter mortification, the tears and tiny hiccuping sobs escaped her mouth and she found herself unable to continue and make coherent sentences. Immediately, Momo and Nanao sat down on the bed beside her. She felt some pick her forgotten cup of coffee from her hands and place it on the table side and arms wrapping around her, as she heaved and cried freely.
"Rangiku, when was the last time you visited his grave?" Nanao asked quietly, as she stroked soothing circles into her back.
Rangiku, still crying didn't say anything.
"You still haven't visited the grave site yet?" Hinamori asked, surprised.
Matsumoto gave an almost imperceptible shake of her head.
Nanao and Momo exchanged glances.
"Rangiku-"
"No." It was a small, quivering "no" but very much audible in the quiet room.
Minutes ticked by and no one said anything, the only sounds were the soft snuffles and wet sounds that came from Rangiku herself.
It could have been minutes or hours, but after awhile she quietened down enough to speak a little bit.
"...I can't go." She admitted hoarsely. Nanao passed her a tissue which she accepted gratefully.
"We understand." She said not unkindly.
"It still hurts..." Rangiku said, lacing her fingers together tightly at her admission.
"No one's forcing you to do something you don't want to do. Whenever you decide to go, I promise we'll come with you, if you want. We're always going to be here to support you, Rangiku chan. Please understand that." Hinamori whispered, stroking her hand softly.
"Thank you."
The two women shuffled closer together on the small bed and hugged their heart broken, aching friend tightly, while she spilled tears once more but this time it was uninhibited tears of loss and longing.
It had been almost a year since the accident and two months since she'd gotten frightfully drunk with Toshiro. She couldn't exactly say she was feeling any better but she was learning to live with the pain. Since then she grew even closer to Nanao and Momo, who true to their word, really did stay around to support her. Now it was time for her to show them how much she trust and appreciated their support.
"I want to go." She declared one day, much to the surprise of her friends.
"Are you sure?" Hinamori asked.
"Positive. I've never been more sure of anything in my life." Rangiku said bravely. And it was true. She was scared but at the same time she was...she was looking forward to going in a way. It was time to stop living in the past. It would mean that she would finally start looking forward to the future.
Momo hugged her friend tightly.
"You are so brave, Rangiku chan."
And so, it was a quiet Sunday that she decided to set off to visit Gin. The family style Volvo was packed with people. Toshiro was driving with Momo in the front seat as navigator. Other people who were coming along, were Nanao and a close friend from college called Shuuhei.
The light banter in the car kept Rangiku from rethinking her decision to come. Nanao held her hand tightly and Shuuhei chatted to her about silly things that he'd been doing recently. She tuned out and smiled, a warm feeling reinforcing her will to get through the day. She was so glad they all agreed to come with her, no they all wanted to come with her.
Someone asked if anyone brought flowers and everyone gasped, Toshiro groused as he turned the car around asking why no one had remembered the damn flowers. The flowers were bought and Rangiku held a little something else in her bag. The graveyard was thirty minutes away located in a quiet suburban neighbourhood, surrounded by fields.
The car was parked and everyone bundled out. It was getting warmer but the atmosphere retained the crisp air.
Nanao cleared her throat.
"Rangiku san, we… we thought you might like to go to the actual grave yourself, if you wanted some privacy. We will wait here of course or come with you as you wish…"
Rangiku thought it over but soon agreed, she did want some privacy to face this.
They all walked her to the edge of the graveyard, where a sea of old, stones started rising, before they left her to make her way down herself.
Her heart fluttered nervously and she pressed a hand to her heart. I'm coming Gin.
She felt guilty for not having come sooner. The grave would probably be covered in weeds and vines. She clutched the modest bouquet of marigolds in her hand tightly.
She could see someone in the distance. So someone else was visiting their grave too. She smiled to herself, she felt her heart calm down slightly. She didn't want to do this totally alone, it was nice knowing there was someone else in the area despite them being a stranger.
But as she searched for Gin's name, she was brought closer to the stranger in the distance who she realised wasn't exactly a stranger.
"...Izuru...san?" She said tentatively. The man visibly jumped and turned to look at her.
"Ra-Rangiku san!" He replied, astonished to see her.
Her eyes flickered to the headstone and indeed, Gin's name was carved neatly into the stone. Another cursory glance told her that the grave was well tended for, with no weeds. A fresh bunch of cut flowers rested in front of the stone.
"Do you… do you come here often? I didn't know you knew Gin." Rangiku motioned to the stone.
"Ichimaru san was my senpai at college when I was on the football team. We were quite close… I looked up to him a lot at school. I lost contact with him after we graduated… I heard he got a girlfriend but I never imagined it was you…" He smiled. "Ichimaru san always had excellent taste in women."
Rangiku gave a small laugh at that and placed her marigolds next to Kira's flowers.
"I heard that he got into an accident and…but anyway I come from time to time just to weed out the grave once in awhile." Kira trailed off. "Is this your first time coming here? I haven't seen you around here."
She nodded, feeling slightly ashamed but at the same time grateful that someone had been coming to visit Gin.
"I'm sure Ichimaru is very happy that you're here now. Would you like me to leave?" Kira asked after a while.
"No, stay. Please stay." Rangiku said, looking up at Izuru who smiled in return and turned to contemplate the stone once more.
She reached into her bag and pulled out a small bag of dried persimmons.
She placed it in front of the grave. I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. I'm sorry I was such a coward. I hope you'll accept them as part of my apology. I promise to visit more often.
Rangiku straightened up and stood next to Kira, both looking down at the carved name in stone.
It was a beautiful day today. She associated Gin with coldness but now standing by him once more she felt nothing more than warmth and heat. Maybe this was what it meant to move on. She would come again.
She would definitely come again.
I'm home, Gin.