Understanding
SUMMARY: After the events from "Two for the Road", Sawyer hasn't been the same. He's finally broken, and the only way to find peace is to have a friend that knows what you're going through. Sawyer and Sayid friendship. NOT slash! Sana, Shayid, Hubby. AU song fic-Character Deaths, thoughts of suicide.
Timeline: This happens after the episode 'Two For the Road'.
Disclaimer: I do not own Lost, Sawyer or Sayid, Ana or Shannon, or the whispers of the island. I also do not own the song, 'Best I Ever Had'. That is owned by Gary Allan and everyone associated with it. I just borrowed the lyrics, and yes, this is a song fic. But it's not that bad, I promise!
Dedication: Okay, I just wanted to shout out to Angie, who wanted a Sawyer/Sayid friendship. I hope you like it!
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Sayid wove his way through the dense trees, following his familiar path. He dodged over fallen twigs and ducked under low hanging branches, not making any sound in the silent night. He could walk this path blindfolded and in his sleep. He knew every obstacle, and knew every twist and turn on the path to the hill. He followed the tracks of days before, although he was really the only person who came this way.
He had the same routine for weeks now, ever since that fateful day when his world was taken away, and gave him a reason to go. He always went near sunrise, when the camps where still asleep, and there was nothing pressing for him to do. Late at night, there was always some disturbance in the trees, and during the day he was needed for odd jobs around the camps. Only now, when the sun just started to rise, could he have time to be alone with her.
He turned the last corner on the trail, and brushed aside the leaves hiding the hill from view. Sayid stopped dead as he took in the sight ahead of him.
"So you sailed away, into a gray sky morning."
The early morning fog was dense here, clinging to the small hill in the middle of a clearing. The stars could be seen overhead, twinkling through the small gap where the trees stopped for the clearing. On one side, the trees weren't so dense, and part of the beach could be seen, the sun reflecting over the cool, calm waters. Crickets still chirped here, a sad slow tune that fit the surroundings perfectly. At the top of the small rounded hill, four wooden crosses marked four graves.
Sayid was used to all of this, but it was the figure kneeling beside the 3rd grave that stopped Sayid. He slowly and silently started walking up the slant, keeping an eye on the back that was turned to him.
"Now I'm here to stay. Love can be so boring. And nothing's quite the same now. I just say your name now."
Sawyer sat on his knees at the end of the 3rd grave, staring at the cross, totally oblivious to the presence of anyone. Sayid saw Sawyer's shoulders shake from unshed tears and silent sobs. Sayid kneeled next to Sawyer on the left, and laid down small white flowers on the 2nd grave. Sawyer didn't even seem to notice Sayid was there.
It had been a day since Ana and Libby had been found dead, shot in the Hatch. Everyone had trampled down here onto this serene and solitary spot, and laid down Ana and Libby next to Boone and Shannon. If you looked down the row of graves, you could see the timeline of this island, and the deaths it took. Boone was 1st, Shannon was next to him on the right, and her killer laid next to her. Libby was at the end, which still had a few more spots for more of the island's victims. Sawyer was in front of Ana's grave, which had a beaded necklace wrapped around the cross, probably left by Eko.
Hurley had been devastated after Libby died. He was refusing to eat, he hardly talked, and everyone was trying to help him (except Michael, who surprisingly didn't want to be anywhere near him). But Sayid had noticed Sawyer had been acting strangely, too. He acted like everything was the same, but there were no more sarcastic comments or mean nicknames. The spark that used to be between Sawyer and Kate was gone, also. Kate had gone up to him at the funeral, maybe to comfort him or to be comforted, but he had been lost in thought or memories. It had been painful to watch.
No one really noticed, because most people avoided Sawyer after the stunt he pulled with the guns. If they did notice, they thought he was just concerned and sad like the rest of them. But it was the people who knew him best; Kate, Sayid, Michael, and Jack that actually noticed.
Sayid looked over at Sawyer in pain, his heart aching for the man he had once tortured. Sawyer was still wearing the same shirt he was wearing yesterday. He wasn't sobbing any longer, but tears streamed there way down his face. His eyes were open and glazed, staring at the cross, but not really seeing it. Sawyer took in a shuttering breath, then let out a sigh. He closed his eyes, and a whisper escaped his lips. "Ana..."
"But it's not so bad. You're only the best I ever had. You don't want me back. You're just the best I ever had."
Sawyer composed himself, then opened his eyes and turned to face Sayid. He didn't look surprised, like he knew all along that Sayid had been there. He looked so defeated, the defiant, rebel spark in his eyes was gone. Sawyer stared into Sayid's eyes, fearing the worst. But he didn't see the pity he thought he'd see. He didn't see the confusion, or disgust, or sadness he expected to find. All he saw was understanding. Someone who knew what he was going through.
The silence stretched on, shrouding them like a warm blanket. Sayid remembered how he felt when Shannon died. He hadn't wanted to hear any empty reassurances that everything was going to be fine. So Sayid just waited until Sawyer was ready to talk.
"She only did it for the gun." Sawyer's soft voice broke the silence. Sayid didn't interrupt, but just let him continue. He knew how it was to need to get it off his shoulders. Sawyer looked down, a bittersweet smile on his face.
"She wanted my gun to get back at Henry. She asked me for it, but I said no. She jumped me...all for a gun. So I don't know why I care so much." Sawyer glanced back down at the grave, trying to deny the feelings inside of him. Sayid had a feeling that Sawyer knew why he cared, that it had meant more than that, but he wasn't going to say anything.
"Shannon died thinking I didn't believe her. That I didn't believe in her." Sayid answered, staring down at the grave of his own girl. He felt the need to share his feelings, the feelings he had been keeping bottled up inside for weeks now. He needed someone to lean on, someone to understand. And looking up at Sawyer's faint smile, he knew that he had found a like spirit.
"I guess we're all just broken." Sawyer mumbled, looking back down at the grave.
"So you stole my world. Now I'm just a phony. Remembering the girl, leaves me down and lonely."
The day passed slowly, as life turned back to normal. People were running around, acting like nothing had happened. Sayid kept an eye out for Sawyer, watching as he sat outside of his tent, staring at the ocean. He watched as Sawyer made a wisecrack to Jack, but even from a distance it looked fake. Like an act. Sayid had to admit he was worried. He never thought Sawyer would attempt suicide, but he never thought Sawyer would be so broken either.
The sun began to set, spreading a fire of color across the water. Sayid felt a chill rise up his spine, as he saw Sawyer writing something. He never saw Sawyer keep a journal, and why would he write a letter? A cold dread settled upon Sayid, as he kept a closer watch on Sawyer. The next time he looked, Sawyer was gone. He felt panic rising up in his throat, as he made his way over to his tent. The inside was deserted, but a piece of paper o the plane seat caught Sayid's attention.
"Well, send it in a letter. Make yourself feel better. And it might take some time to patch me up inside. But I can't take it, so I...I run away and hide."
"I heard that writing down your thoughts help. Mommacita told me that once, I think. I guess I'll give it a shot. It's taking over. All I can feel is this loneliness, this emptiness inside of me. I'm numb, but the pain is still gripping me. And, God, I sound like a damn Shakespearean writer. It's weird. The only letter I've ever written is to the man I was going to kill. Maybe...This is stupid. Never mind."
Sayid read the letter, the sick dread climbing as the letter went on. As soon as he was finished, he made his way into the jungle, hoping it wasn't too late.
Sawyer was standing at the edge of a cliff, watching the river at the bottom curl around the rocks to make its way to the ocean. An old country song came to his mind, some of the lyrics making him smile at the irony. Without realizing it, he started mumbling out loud. " 'Cause when you're sittin' on the edge of a twenty-story ledge. Oh, don't try to save me. I'm probably lookin' at the sky, just tryin' to find a reason why."
Something rustling in the bushes made him stop dead.
"And I might find in time that, you were always right. You were always right."
Sayid burst through the bushes, to find Sawyer at the edge of a cliff. He had heard someone humming, and followed it to this place. But he didn't know that it was a special place. He didn't know that the river below their feet was the same one where Ana had jumped Sawyer. Where she had rolled around with someone, and hadn't known the affect of her passing would do to him.
"Don't do it!"
"Don't do what?" Sawyer asked, raising his eyebrows toward the winded Iraqi. Slowly he sat on the edge, dangling his feet over the brink. Sayid let out a slow breath, glad that he was wrong with his assumption. But he had a feeling that if he hadn't came by when he had, there would have been a body floating in the river below.
Sayid crouched down by Sawyer, and watched as Sawyer's stormy eyes cleared. "Come on, let's get back."
"So you sailed away, into a gray sky morning. Now I'm here to stay. Love can be so boring. Was it what you wanted? Could it be I'm haunted?"
The fire flickered across the solemn faces around the campfire, as they sat in a circle. Sayid sat next to Sawyer and Hurley, as they all warmed up before they went to sleep. Sawyer glanced over at the jungle, and saw a shadow among the trees. It didn't occur to him that it could be one of the Others. All he could see was the feminine shape of the body, and the long, dark brown hair flowing down her shoulders. He could have sworn it looked like Ana. But in a second, she was gone. Sawyer blinked, then looked away.
"But it's not so bad. You're only the best I ever had. You don't want me back. You're just the best I ever had."
His eyes caught Sayid's, and even though they weren't best friends, he could hear the question, 'Are you okay?' A cold wind picked up, and a whisper carried over to them. "You're just the best I ever had." Sawyer and Sayid's eyes went wide, but Hurley hadn't seemed to have heard anything. Sayid looked over at Sawyer, and was surprised that Sawyer was smiling a real, true smile. And he understood.
"You're just the best I ever had."
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Not sure if I'm happy with it. Didn't come out like I planned it in my head. That's why I kept putting it off. I know people were looking forward to it, though, so I kept going through my writer's block to get it out there for you. I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense or doesn't sound good, but I tried really hard, and you all know what it's like with Writer's Block. I loved the idea, but I've been working on it so hard, that right now I hate it! I know more secondary characters died, but I only mentioned the main characters.
Oh, and I have a problem and any help/advice would be great. I have to go to the library to get onto the internet, and the internet has blocked You know, the "Stop! This is under the category of Pornography or Sexual Materials." I can't post any new stuff, or read any fan fics over there. HELP! Any ideas?